Does Ms D need to chill out? Or difficult child step up?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, Jun 30, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Summer school has been much easier for difficult child. Today is the first day in 3 weeks that he cried when I dropped him off. No one had to hold him so I could leave, but he still cried, big, fat, real crocodile tears.
    When I asked him why he was upset today, he said because Miss D was there (the one teacher he doesn't like at private school - she is about the equivilant of a military drill instructor) and he's a bad boy. I asked him is Miss D told him that. He said no, but he knows he is a bad boys because she yells at him and puts him in time out all the time because he does bad things and he's a bad boy.
    Part of the time, I think his "bad boy" behaviors are things the other teachers let slide - for instance, sometimes he lays down for story time instead of sitting "criss cross apple sauce". I know she is much more strict than the other teachers, and this has always been her way, not just with difficult child.
    in my humble opinion, difficult child has enough to deal with without the extra issues of self esteem brought on my this sort of thinking. On the same note, this is just what Miss D thinks difficult child needs in order to change...its worked for all her other kids. This is the only issue we have with him at this school. In a year, he has only had one real meltdown (and it was a doozy, but still). All the other teachers (4 or 5) let things like lying down for story time slide except Miss D.
    Does Miss D need to lighten up, or does difficult child need to comply? And if I need to talk to Miss D about lightening up, how in the heck do you approach a 60 year old school marm about changing her ways?
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Arrgh. I am the worst at this. My first approach is always to talk to my kids and ask them just HOW hard it is, and whether they want me to talk to the teacher. Their answer often tells me the real truth ... if they say NO, I'd be too embarrassed! that's one answer. If they say Could you please? that's another. And if they say, "I don't know," I don't know either. I hate it when that happens.
    Does this teacher know anything about him? That he's a little different? If not, she needs to know. You can say he's under the care of a dr. and they say to approach things by doing XYZ. Maybe by inserting another authority, it would help avoid a confict between you and the teacher.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My strong opinion is that our difficult child's have enough trouble just dealing with school to also have to deal with drill sargent mentality. I wouldn't want my child to have this teacher if she is incapable of realizing that all kids are different and that our children have special challenges.
  4. Christy

    Christy New Member

    It's unlikely that you will change Miss D's ways by talking to her directly. Is there a school director who can ask Miss D to handle things the way other teachers do? This might be the better way to go.

    Good Luck
  5. BestICan

    BestICan This community rocks.

    I'd suggest asking if you can observe a class with Ms D. I've learned so much from hanging out in my difficult child's classroom and watching the teachers' approach. If you spend an hour or two watching, you may come away with a very good idea of a) how reasonable/unreasonable the teacher is, and b) how difficult your child's behavior is compared to the norm in the classroom.

    When difficult child was in 1st grade, I decided that - even though difficult child was disruptive - his teacher's expectations were not reasonable, except for the well-behaved, older girls in the class. When he was in 2nd, I decided that his teacher's expectations were reasonable. difficult child was still disruptive a *bit* but in her classroom it was handled better and she in general had a style that was easier to comply with.

    In both grades, I did set up a meeting with the teacher, but observing in the classroom made me more educated for the discussions. Ms D will probably not chill out. But if you give her a few specific pointers and act like you're on her side - "let me tell you what works at home for us - I know how difficult this can be in a classroom setting" - she may decide to try some alternate techniques.

    Good luck!
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I like Christy's idea. After ruining a few relationships with others at schools, day cares, etc., I think now it is preferable to play dumb and just express concern and question the situation (just like you have done here) to the director. Make sure to include that difficult child puts forth a lot of effort to get to the point he is at now- and that you can't expect perfection from him. If the director is any good at all, she will handle this appropriately and know how to communicate this to Miss D without making you look like a complaining parent.

    PS If that doesn't work, then the director shoul;dn't be shocked when you discuss things with Miss D yourself. I do agree that it needs to be addressed.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I vote for a little of both chilling and stepping. Having someone laying down during story time can be distracting for the others. I know I don't care for it when I'm subbing, and I ask them to sit up because "it's school time now, and your job is to be a good listener and sit up." It's so easy, when laying on the floor, to accidentally kick your neighbor, and then you have that issue to deal with, and then the kickee is unhappy, and the kicker is resented, even when it wasn't intended.

    That said...Ms D needs to be made aware of her method of delivery and difficult child's impression of himself around her. She may not realize how she comes across to him and how it makes him feel.