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does my stepson really have CD?
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<blockquote data-quote="MrsJarheadSM" data-source="post: 502307" data-attributes="member: 12916"><p>Hi love,</p><p></p><p> OHHH my heart reaches for you! I am in a very similar situation, with different details. My stepdaughters are 15 and 11, soon to be 16 and 12, and they moved in with us a bit more than 2 years ago. We got custody because bioMom had checked the then 9 year old into a state facility for delinquent children, which we thought was totally ridiculous since we had visitation and she always seemed a bit unruly (this was credited to the ADHD) but otherwise fine. Even the staff at the facility she was placed in thought she was an angel and couldn't figure out for the life of them why she was there. </p><p></p><p> Fast forward, she moves in with us, I figure out VERY quickly that she is the most capable actress I've ever met (reminder: she was 10 at the time - terrifying). To this day, even after carefully explaining her behavior at home, my parents come in to town for a week or so and are enamoured with her - "Oh we think if you just were a little kinder and more loving towards her, she would come around". </p><p></p><p> When it's just she and I, she's kicking dashboards, punching walls, glaring at me in such a way that I truly believe she will try to attack me when the time is right. However, IMAGE is very important to her - she gets VERY upset when you say that you're going to explain her behavior to someone she thinks she's managed to con. Husband, unfortunately, is not able to differentiate as much as I wish he would, and she often can manipulate him back into trusting her and allowing her to do things she certainly shouldn't be able to do. By 10 1/2, she stolen from the mall, ran out of the house on numerous occasions (she's never run away, but we live in the country, so it would be pretty hard to do). This past weekend she flipped my husband off and FINALLY said, out loud (not that I needed her to tell me), that the only reason she cares what I say/do/feel AT ALL is because Daddy gets upset when I'm upset. Have I mentioned my husband is active duty military? Last time he was gone for training, she went to school and told her guidance counselor that I abuse her. Hmph - it's actually exactly the opposite! </p><p></p><p> You and hubs do need to be really careful, especially if he's pointing abuse fingers, however, if he's diagnosed with CD by a neuropsychologist, they may be willing to back you up if for some reason child services gets called. My stepdaughter was diagnosed with CD by a neuropsychologist at age 11 (they will diagnose before 18, but only in rare cases where the child REALLY doesn't seem to present symptoms of other disorders, and whose behavior truly is above and beyond) - when I told the neuropsychologist of her abuse accusations, she told me that in the event child services ever DID get called, to tell them to contact her first so she could inform them of the behavior that CD & ASP (Anti-social personality disorder) present. Unfortunately, while there seems to be some sort of assistance for parents of children with bipolar and other "real" mental/mood disorders, there seem to be very few options available for stepchildren like ours unless you can pay out of pocket for them. </p><p></p><p> I know the frustration of caring for a kid who doesn't care. My stepdaughter has no remorse for anything....she doesn't even really get upset or bothered when she gets punished, because it's like she's accepted that WE are crazy and just punish her "even though she didn't do anything wrong" (she's convinced herself that everybody else needs help and that there's nothing at all wrong with her behavior). It's infuriating when you punish a child who is destroying your home in the hopes of teaching them something and they have no emotion at all....then as soon as they're out of punishment, they go right back to doing whatever.</p><p></p><p> DO try to maintain a strong relationship with your hubs. Mine and I have been married for almost 5 years and it is a daily struggle to not let her issues in between us. Part of that, however, is his naivity to the situation a lot of times (also infuriates me) and his willingness to baby her to keep the peace. She LOVES attention and if she were at the center of the universe 24/7 it wouldn't be enough, so when he treats her like a 3 year old, she's like puddy. </p><p></p><p> ANyway, I'm here for you! I'm sorry I don't have any help to offer. She's on Adderal, Intuniv, Prozac, and Abilify. The Abilify HAS helped in that when you punish her, she doesn't curse you out and tell you you're wrong and you should believe her and you're mean and nasty because she didn't do anything, but instead blows a whole lot of smoke in saying "Yes. I understand. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have." even if it's the same rule that's been broken 5 time in a day. She's trying to convince us now that she DOES feel bad (though you can tell in her face and her continued behavior that she'd doesn't). She's learning all that language at the counselor who is TRYING to teach her how to feel remorse (not working, just learning how to fake it). ~SIGH~</p><p></p><p> Please email directly if you need me. I need to check in on here more often, but things are nuts around here. HUUGGSSSSS! Remember you don't have to be strong all the time....that's my biggest battle.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MrsJarheadSM, post: 502307, member: 12916"] Hi love, OHHH my heart reaches for you! I am in a very similar situation, with different details. My stepdaughters are 15 and 11, soon to be 16 and 12, and they moved in with us a bit more than 2 years ago. We got custody because bioMom had checked the then 9 year old into a state facility for delinquent children, which we thought was totally ridiculous since we had visitation and she always seemed a bit unruly (this was credited to the ADHD) but otherwise fine. Even the staff at the facility she was placed in thought she was an angel and couldn't figure out for the life of them why she was there. Fast forward, she moves in with us, I figure out VERY quickly that she is the most capable actress I've ever met (reminder: she was 10 at the time - terrifying). To this day, even after carefully explaining her behavior at home, my parents come in to town for a week or so and are enamoured with her - "Oh we think if you just were a little kinder and more loving towards her, she would come around". When it's just she and I, she's kicking dashboards, punching walls, glaring at me in such a way that I truly believe she will try to attack me when the time is right. However, IMAGE is very important to her - she gets VERY upset when you say that you're going to explain her behavior to someone she thinks she's managed to con. Husband, unfortunately, is not able to differentiate as much as I wish he would, and she often can manipulate him back into trusting her and allowing her to do things she certainly shouldn't be able to do. By 10 1/2, she stolen from the mall, ran out of the house on numerous occasions (she's never run away, but we live in the country, so it would be pretty hard to do). This past weekend she flipped my husband off and FINALLY said, out loud (not that I needed her to tell me), that the only reason she cares what I say/do/feel AT ALL is because Daddy gets upset when I'm upset. Have I mentioned my husband is active duty military? Last time he was gone for training, she went to school and told her guidance counselor that I abuse her. Hmph - it's actually exactly the opposite! You and hubs do need to be really careful, especially if he's pointing abuse fingers, however, if he's diagnosed with CD by a neuropsychologist, they may be willing to back you up if for some reason child services gets called. My stepdaughter was diagnosed with CD by a neuropsychologist at age 11 (they will diagnose before 18, but only in rare cases where the child REALLY doesn't seem to present symptoms of other disorders, and whose behavior truly is above and beyond) - when I told the neuropsychologist of her abuse accusations, she told me that in the event child services ever DID get called, to tell them to contact her first so she could inform them of the behavior that CD & ASP (Anti-social personality disorder) present. Unfortunately, while there seems to be some sort of assistance for parents of children with bipolar and other "real" mental/mood disorders, there seem to be very few options available for stepchildren like ours unless you can pay out of pocket for them. I know the frustration of caring for a kid who doesn't care. My stepdaughter has no remorse for anything....she doesn't even really get upset or bothered when she gets punished, because it's like she's accepted that WE are crazy and just punish her "even though she didn't do anything wrong" (she's convinced herself that everybody else needs help and that there's nothing at all wrong with her behavior). It's infuriating when you punish a child who is destroying your home in the hopes of teaching them something and they have no emotion at all....then as soon as they're out of punishment, they go right back to doing whatever. DO try to maintain a strong relationship with your hubs. Mine and I have been married for almost 5 years and it is a daily struggle to not let her issues in between us. Part of that, however, is his naivity to the situation a lot of times (also infuriates me) and his willingness to baby her to keep the peace. She LOVES attention and if she were at the center of the universe 24/7 it wouldn't be enough, so when he treats her like a 3 year old, she's like puddy. ANyway, I'm here for you! I'm sorry I don't have any help to offer. She's on Adderal, Intuniv, Prozac, and Abilify. The Abilify HAS helped in that when you punish her, she doesn't curse you out and tell you you're wrong and you should believe her and you're mean and nasty because she didn't do anything, but instead blows a whole lot of smoke in saying "Yes. I understand. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have." even if it's the same rule that's been broken 5 time in a day. She's trying to convince us now that she DOES feel bad (though you can tell in her face and her continued behavior that she'd doesn't). She's learning all that language at the counselor who is TRYING to teach her how to feel remorse (not working, just learning how to fake it). ~SIGH~ Please email directly if you need me. I need to check in on here more often, but things are nuts around here. HUUGGSSSSS! Remember you don't have to be strong all the time....that's my biggest battle. [/QUOTE]
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