Does the drama never end?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by so ready to live, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Our 28 y.o. son has been sofa surfing and homeless now again. This time for 4+ mo. after being told to leave our home again due to multiple issues. We have kept the title to his truck for 2 yr. at his request. He had "title loaned" it at that time and we bought it out of hock for him for $2600.00 when it was nearing being repo'd. Last night the former girlfriend (whom he lives with or travels with) texts us, as if she were him, to tell us he has someone to buy truck and could we leave title where they could pick it up. Because we wanted to make sure he is in on this deal, hubby took title with him to work texting them to say he'd meet them or they could pick up from him. I was initially angry/sad as I've always taken comfort in the at least he can live in his car thought. The girlfriend texts as if she were him often, he's dyslexic and it's easy for me to tell he didn't actually write us. I do believe he totally just tells her to do it for him. Although I feel like she uses him, he probably is ok with that as he will let anyone take care of him so he doesn't have to do it himself.

    The title is our last tie to him. Our tin foil box, as someone else recently posted. Although I think it's a bad decision (We believe they are simply title loaning it again for fast cash) it's not my car. He bought it initially, we bought it out of hock to get him on his feet. That didn't pan out so well, did it?
    So sad today-I'm trying to not let it ruin my weekend. It's just so ongoing, the mess of it all. We know it's his mess alone, but in my heart I want so much more for him.

    I read once "sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care, but because they don't". This is where we are at, yet I know it's not giving up-it's giving over-out of our hands-into his, into God's--just out of mine.
    It feels better to write this all down, to think it through, thank you all.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I guess I am missing the purpose of them getting the title and selling it...would they repay you? Or has he already repaid you?

    If it is just a fast fix top for them to get cash, his would they use the cash?

  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This is EXACTLY why we never actually signed our car over to our son. I admit, I wanted to...Jabber was against it and every time I thought of this possibility I knew he was right. But in the end:

    This was my thought. Ours was even an SUV so he literally could have slept in the back...but we never did because we knew he'd sell it or get a loan against it. It finally died and the repair costs were nearly more than the it's is his chance of earning or buying it from us.

    More drama is just what we parents don't need. I'm sorry. I understand how you take comfort in them having a car. I always did when he was at school...and when he was homeless, I would have loved for him to have that option for shelter. I hate today that, in our town with poor transportation, he has to take the bus or catch rides. Maybe it's character building, but in the become necessities.

    But it's his choice and I hope it all works out for the best.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    People sadly born with fetal alcohol affects have organic brain damage, often drink themselves, and lack cause and affect thinking skills due to their brain damage. it isnt intentional and it makes me mad that social workers never tell us the consequences of the problems our adopted children could suffer due to no fault of their own. Or ours. Funny how they never explain what diagnoses mean for the childs future.

    I did much research on fetal alcohol problems because we adopted a child who could have had alcohol affects. We were fortunate...he only had a high functioning form of autism, which is lightyears better, cognitively, than alcohol damage. But I did learn about Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE).

    it is likely your son cant do better thsn he is. Reasoning skills are impaired.

    With all that said, adult kids who sell big items usually do it for drug money.

    I hope things turn around or that at least YOUR life is good. I am learning how unhelpful and damaging it is to live thtough our kids. it helps noboby, not us or them.
  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I totally understand the whole "tinfoil box" and last tie idea, SRTL.

    I am guessing he did not repay you any of the $2600?

    I guess if it is his car and the title is in his name, there is really nothing you can do. How very sad. So you are in effect gifting him $2600 so he can cut off another option.

    I am so sorry.
  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Albie. NO-did not repay the $2600. Actually, we didn't even pretend to expect it-he had purchased this car himself to begin with 3yrs. ago, we bought it out of hock 2 yrs ago to save it/him. We simply hated to see him without a vehicle as we knew at least it would give him shelter when needed. One of our starting over type moves, not our finest hour as non-enablers. Should have just let them repo the car. We've never helped to that extent again-although he continues to ask, never tiring of begging. So...the title was always in his name and we long ago have written this one off to our "wanting to believe the best".
    KSM- I'm assuming they would use the cash for rent/deposit, but SWOT might be right and it's just 4th of July party time. What a mess.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So ready to live: so sorry for the anguish you are going through - and that we are all going through.

    I don't know what I would do either. We all just try to do our best. We love our kids no matter how much they don't love themselves.
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Ugh, Ready. I guess if it was considered "lost" money to begin with, that makes it a little less painful. I guess either way it's his car. Maybe the ARE using it to get a residence. That would be nice.