Does this make me a bad mom?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, May 16, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    When easy child isn't here, I want him to be here. When he is here, I want him gone.

    The choices he is making are just so against everything I taught him. I can't make myself be ok with them. I know I don't have to like everything he does, but some things make me feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.

    He's become so arrogant and sometimes I can't stand to be around him. Then other times, he's the kid I knew.

    I don't know what to do. I just know I don't want to live like this.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Heather---We spend so much time parenting our difficult children and just expect our easy child's to do what they are supposed to do because, well, they've always done what we expected without any prompting. They are, after all, pcs. But, they are also human. He is beginning to experience growing pain---a need to become autonomous---the last step before adulthood. My oldest easy child really was perfect until age 17----he then made a big mistake, but quickly jumped back into easy child status. Then he went off to a military college. I sent them a sweet, sensitive caring young man and they sent me home an arrogant, angry, sarcastic a-hole. I did not like him at all. He will be 27 in a few months and he is finally, once again, the young man I raised---the change started a few years ago but every time I talk to him now I see exactly who I knew he was inside. That is why he is a easy child. He was able to see how his choices affected those around him and worked hard to self-correct---something my difficult child will not ever be able to do---at least I don't think he will---miracles can happen.
    Jana is now dating a man almost 10 years her senior. I am not happy with her choice. He has two children. He is not the type of man I pictured her with. But, I know that deep inside she is a easy child, and she will find her way no matter what.
    Give easy child some growing room. You will not like all of his choices. He will break up with the girls you love and bring home ones you can't stand. He will make mistakes and work to fix them.
    He is a easy child---you know that----right now he is acting like a bratty, self-absorbed jerk---but allow him to do that without it crossing too much into your life. Try to hold on to a civil relationship with him until he is through this stage. Believe me, it is a normal part of the process of becoming an adult.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    No, Heather, it sounds perfectly normal to me. Our kids (easy child's included, I'm sure) can really take away our parental clarity. It's so hard to love someone when you abhor your choices... but of course you still feel overwhelming love despite those choices.
  4. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I don't think it makes you a bad mom at all. It makes you human. I know that I don't like all of the decisions that either easy child or the difficult children make. Sometimes it eats me up. Others it doesn't. I don't know why some things are so much worse.

    This parenting thing gets tricky as they get close to adulthood. I can't say as I am fond of it much.

    Sending you a whole lot of strength to get through this trying time with easy child.

  5. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    That is my easy child now.

    It's not that he broke up with his girlfriend. Part of it is how he handled the relationship, but that's a sign of his furthering behavior. I can't even talk about it all. I'm too hurt and humiliated.

    6 months ago I never dreamed I would ever want him to move out. Now, I can barely stand to be around him. It's been this way for a couple of months and has gotten dramatically worse over the last 3 weeks.

    I just got off the phone with my mom. She's crying and says she doesn't want to know anything about him. She doesn't know where he is, what he's doing, who his friends are...

    Then she said something else. I had easy child 6 days after I turned 18. She watched him while I worked. She has always felt like he was hers. She had been wanting another baby not long before I had easy child. There were a lot of huge boundary issues between us with easy child until easy child was about 13 or so. And easy child played it to the hilt.

    Tonight she said, "I always felt like he was mine, but I didn't get to finish it."

    My emotions are so raw. I felt like I had been stabbed in the back. Like she was saying that I failed my child. That if she had raised him, things would be different.

    I just can't do this right now. I don't think I have the strength.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Totally normal, I think. I feel the same way about easy child. Before she left for Spain, I couldn't wait for her to leave. While she was gone, I was so worried she wouldn't come back. She came back and I wondered when she'd find her own apt...only to worry about how far away she will end up from me. I am the same way with difficult child, though I have to admit to a lesser extent. I think if I saw more signs of pure indepenence and self sufficiency, I would want to hold her closer to me while at the same time wanting her off and on her own.

    I hate when I feel that way, Heather. It totally stinks, but it doesn't make you a bad mom. Hugs~
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    This is somewhat typical behavior for a teen male. At least most teen males I've known. Travis excluded......cuz he still hasn't reached that point yet. Granted, each do it to varying degrees. Sort of like a "find yourself* type thing. Sounds like he's testing the limits of everything right now, girlfriend, you, school, ect.

    Girls also seem to go thru it, although I tend to think it hits them a bit earlier.

    Makes us parents want to pound them into the ground. But personally? I think it's how we manage to boot them from the nest and are able to let go. The powers that be make them so horrid to live with that we just want them to go! lol

    Nichole is not really doing anything out of normal range for her. But I'm gonna tell you that I am ready for her to be on her own.

    You've raised easy child well. Now you have to sit back while maturity takes hold and he finds his way. You may not like him for awhile during this process. But I think he'll make his way back to the fundamentals you taught him as maturity and life lessons set in.

    We know how they're behaving/ thinking is stupid. They haven't figured it out yet.

    And as for your time she says that tell her to focus her energy on Buster. :D

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Heather...I truly think this is normal. Like EW, Jamie was fairly normal typical teen there in his teens though there were times I could have happily tossed him in the nearest wood chipper. By 18 he ALWAYS had to have the last word...even if it was only "ok" at the end of a sentence. Drove me batty!

    When he went into the Marines...I sent them this nice, normal, sensitive, marshmellow of a boy. I got back a cussing, hard hearted, sarcastic, beer drinking, arrogant MAN. Not to say he wouldnt do anything in the world for you but he had a whole new attitude. He wasnt my Jamie anymore. He has mellowed now but he isnt that little boy and he never will be again. He has seen too much and he will continue to see too much.

    Boys grow up and it is this transformation...kind of like a butterfly goes through. There is all this turmoil while they go through the stages from boy to man and you just have to sit back and wait it out.
  9. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    He's lying to me, thinks he makes the rules and doesn't have to listen to me, he's never home, talks to me like I'm dirt, has gone from failing 3 classes to failing all of them and doesn't seem to care that he's not going to graduate. He's become very controlling and angry and taking it out on all of us. But, falls all over himself to do things for his friends - the ones that take advantage of him. Yet, has no trouble telling K that he thinks his (K's) girlfriend is a B and that he needs to get rid of her. K's girlfriend is pregnant.

    One of the things that bothered him about Ashlee is that she doesn't want to go to drinking parties because it makes her uncomfortable. I'm thinking he's out drinking because he certainly doesn't want to be home. Ashlee has mild CP and can't do much with her left hand, but he was making her do things with it. Cause I guess a dozen years of Occupational Therapist (OT) doesn't know as much as he does. Then making her feel bad when she couldn't do it.

    And that's just to start.

    He told me the other day that I was being a B. He said, that yeah, he said I was being a B, but that's not the same thing as saying I *am* a B. He hasn't apologized.

    He was shoving hard on the door this morning and then yelling because I went to bed before difficult child and she bolted the door. She's afraid when I go to bed before her. He came in yelling that he has to have a way to get in in the morning. I tried to call him last night to let him know, but he answered the phone, "What?" in a nasty tone and I said nevermind and hung up. He only came home to take a shower before going to work.

    I could go on and on.

    My home is my haven. My home growing up was never safe. My home when I was married was never safe. I am not having this in my home. I can't. I won't.

    I've walked around everyday for the last couple of months feeling sick over this.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    How long until he turns 18? If the attitude continues......set a move out date for him. If he can't be respectful and follow the rules there is no reason for him to be there once he is legally an adult. Let him learn his lessons the hard way if that's the way he chooses.

    Brat. The world will supply him with plenty of humble pie to chew on. I hate this stage with boys. Girls are awful to live with at 15, boys it's around this age you just want to strangle them. argh!!

    I hope he passes thru it quickly.

  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    He turns 18 in a little over a month.