Done with difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Jul 15, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am officially done and over it.

    This weekend we went camping with a bunch of friends. difficult child pretty much ignored me the whole weekend and hung out with my friend. Personally I didn't care. One night we got into a conversation about why kids dont need cell phones with all the bells and whistles. Basically we were all against the idea and I mentioned that difficult child sending a naked picture of herself was an example of why kids don't always make the best decisions with technology. It was a one line type of comment and no further discussion was made about it.

    PS: The trip was horrible. We had so many camping issues that it wasn't even funny.

    So yesterday life with difficult child is fine. This morning I get blasted.

    Here is the text convo:
    difficult child: Why did you leave without getting me up before? You know dad told me I had to go look for jobs today.

    difficult child: And we need to talk about the comment you made Friday night in front of X and Y concerning my middle school mistake (sent naked picture to boyfriend), I believe that was beyond inappropriate. You embarassed me, and thats not something that should EVER be brought up in front of others. I beyond believe I deserved an apology instead you acted like it was fine and it wasnt.

    ME: I didn't know you needed the car. Please talk to your father if you need a car from now on. As for the comment I made I dont feel I said anything wrong.

    difficult child: Why am I not allowed to use your car anymore? If you seriously think putting my personal business out in front of people like that is fine you are beyond wrong. That was fully inappropriate and you need to apologize. I don't just tell everyone your dirty secrets and everything you did wrong whenever something they say related. That hurt me. that was embarrassing you made me want to cry. If you think it is okay then you might as well just send me back to KY because we will never be okay and I won't forgive you. You don't just get to get away with comments like thatmom.

    ME: I dont think anything I say or do will ever be enough of a repentance for you. I apologize for saying what I said. I am at work please dont contact me again until 5pm unless it is an emergency.

    difficult child: No problem, dad doesn't care if I stay here anymore either so once again its time for me to leave. Thanks mom, I wont ever forgive you for turning everything against me again. Im not the problem here. I've done almost everything you ask. I dont understand your problem with me BYE.

    ME: Im sorry to hear that. Your dad and I love you and want the best for you wherever and however you chose it to be.

    difficult child: No you don't you never have. You turn everyone against me and would make them believe anything you said. I didn't do anything to you for you to be mad you cause problems that hurt me emotionally for no reason. You hate me and I get it, you dont want me around fine. I'll leave and go back to the thown I hate while you guys go on vacation and enjoy life without me around. Hope everything you did is worth never seeing me again.

    Seriously no one gave a crap about something she did 6 or 7 years ago. No one said a word about it after that. She just needs another way to manipulate the situation. It's to the point that I am not allowed to talk to anyone about her blow ups, including my own husband, because she thinks I am turning things against her.

    Because of this child I have no relationship with my mother and father, I rarely speak to my brother, and I am upset with my husband for playing along with her games. I am also somewhat afraid to connect with easy child for fear that she will use things against me later or leave me and rip my heart out as well. difficult child even threatens me when she thinks I am talking to my friends.

    I have no safe line of support except for here and I have to hide this from the world. difficult child has isolated me to the point it is painful. I have no one to talk things through with and I can't even rely on my family members for support.

    At this point I have told my father and husband I will not be handling anything with difficult child anymore. They should make the decisions and leave me out of it. I don't even want to discuss it because I will be held accountable for the decision if I know about it.

    I AM DONE!!!!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, ok, ok.


    It is not your child's fault you have no relationship with your family. Sorry, they betrayed you. They used your daughtger to do it, sure, but they do not seem worthwhile of your having a warm relationship with them anyhow. If you did not have this child, they'd have found another reason to criticize and abuse you. They probably always did. Ok, so I could be wrong, but you can't hang their bad behavior on her, although she is a part of how they choose to hurt you.

    Secondly, I personally would not have brought up that incident in front of my daughter. But if something slipped that my kid didn't like, I would not let that be a reason for her disrespect either. I do think an apology is in order, although not a long, smoozy one.

    Third, I think your daughter is acting like a spoiled girl. She is not doing everything you want. Where is the most important thing? Where is her job? Why is she still asking you for money? Why does she feel entitled to your car since she isn't working?

    This is just my opinion. Let her go back to KY. DO NOT PAY YOUR PARENTS ONE DIME TO CARE FOR HER. She is an adult and it's time that they treat her like one if they want her to live with them. Watch them suddenly want her to get a job.

    Then work on taking care of yourself first and your other loved ones who are good to you. Don't fret over your parents and brother who remind me of my motley crew that I have to claim as DNA connections. Hang around with people who appreciate your good heart and your fun traits. Maybe go to therapy to learn how to move on because it's not easy to do it alone, but it's freeing once it's done. You can build your own caring support system. I didn't have one either. It is not because of your difficult child. Maybe, like me, you are shy and feel awkward around new people, but you can learn to be more comfortable. Most people can relay on family, but you and I don't have that unconditonal love/caring from our families so we have to look elsewhere. I was sad about that for many years. Trust me, I get it and feel badly for the isolation you feel. That was me for so long... Hugs for your hurting heart.
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2014
  3. WOW, I've been through this scenario so many times... I have to agree that an apology was in order but you did that and apparently it wasn't enough for your entitled child. I have said things so many times to other people and had to apologize afterwards. Must engage brain before mouth! I would just let her go - she will be back and then you explain the rules again - respect for you and husband, get a job, buy your own car and by the way, get your own place and then MAYBE we can have a good mom/daughter relationship vs the princess/servant. Sorry, I have infused myself into the conversation -how old is she and how many times have the rules of respect been explained?
  4. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    dstc, the dialogue between you and difficult child could have been me and my difficult child a couple of years ago when she "knew everything" and blamed me for all of her self-induced miseries. Like your difficult child, mine was never going to speak to me again, never coming back here, accusing me of ridiculous things, and had that "thanks, Mom, for ruining my life" attitude. Also the martyr impersonation (as in "I'll leave and go back to the town I hate while you guys go on vacation and enjoy life without me around. Hope everything you did is worth never seeing me again"). difficult child was violent bc she wouldn't take her BiPolar (BP) medications.

    Well, I had enough, too. Just like you. Her dad and I told her "there's the door" and she went out it with her loser boyfriend. She went and lived with him at his trashy people's home many hours away for a year and a half.

    She tried to commit suicide in February and asked to move back to this area. How the "worm turned". She is better than she was, not perfect by any stretch, but improved over what she was like 2 years back. So let her go live with your parents in another state. You're due for some peace and quiet. The only way she'll ever see the flaws of her thinking will be for her to grow up some and fail at living somewhere else. YOU deserve a major break! You've done all you can! And I'm on your side.

    Read more: child.58277/#ixzz37aviBcOw
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    That is true. difficult child was just the final straw.

    That will be if they don't just keep stepping in to make her life easy. I've seen it with so many people here when they send their difficult child's away to family or family comes and takes them. The difficult child doesn't progress they generally just find ways to do the same things they were doing before. Eventually the family kicks them out but in the meantime the difficult child just gets to extend their period of GFGness.

    19~ and more times than I can count.

    husband informed her last night that if she went back we wouldn't be paying for the ticket.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Further update:
    As soon as I got home she wanted to talk. I had nothing to say. I had already apologized and made it clear I wasn't happy. She started in about me being in a bad mood for the last week. I wasn't I was in a normal mood. Of course I am supposed to just take whatever she hands out and then move on with life like nothing happened. She had already back peddled on moving out. I told her I didn't know what I could say, do, or feel anymore because if she decided she didn't like it I became her target.

    I decided to leave and get some time away. I was mentally exhausted and honestly I was mad at husband for letting her back peddle and her for making me feel like crap. I came home an hour later and went to bed and spent the night there. I didn't want to talk to any of them or deal with any of them.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry this is happening Dist, but you are doing the right thing.

    It helps me to remind myself that there is no situation involving a difficult child child that is ever going to feel alright or even normal. You are parenting correctly in my opinion. Your difficult child is being uber manipulative and she doesn't like anyone standing up to her.

    But that is what you have to do.

    It isn't pleasant, but you knew this was a possibility going in. Your daughter is worth every sacrifice you make for her...but she doesn't get to abuse or stifle or threaten you to get her way.

    Hold to your principles.

    You cannot control husband.

    You cannot control what your family will or won't do.

    You cannot control anyone but you.

    This is a very hard time, so be very sure to take special care of yourself through it. It is so important that we make extra efforts to protect and cherish ourselves when our difficult child kids are acting out.

    And, like we always least we have one another and this site.


  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My take on this is that if she gets more coddling by your parents, so what? You can't control it. She isn't around you to disrespect you. If your parents want to raise her, paying her ticket and getting not one nickle from you for her support, and they spoil's up to the three of them to work it out. Your difficult child has to decide to change. It isn't happening at your house. She is still throwing you around and acting like a lazy kid. Can't get much worse there.