Done with Parents. I tried one more time and it was awful.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jody, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    My mother and I didn't have a good relationship at all. I haven't seen her in 23 years. She lives in the same town and actually lives right down the street from my job. My father has Parkinson's disease and I heard he wasn't doing very well. I have seen him very few times in those years. I thought today I would try to call and see if he was receptive to talking. He wasn't actually this is what he said. I said Hi, how are you? He said Why? I said I thought I would just check in and see how you were. He said you haven't called in years, don't bother now. I said okay, and he began to laugh as though the whole conversation to him was funny.

    My father had never been a cruel person. In fact he was always very nice and just seemed to be weak as for as standing up to my mother. I am really shocked at his behavior. He didn't seem weak to me, like I was told. He seemed very prepared for my call and very much in control. My father and I had always been very close while I was growing up. I have a daughter that is part African American and they used that as an excuse to disown me. I found out that they had hidden my existence completely with my brother's kids and they never knew about me or their cousins. We now have a relationship with them and my sister in law. They are 17,16 9 and 7. As far as anyone knows they only had 2 children, My brother and my sister. Now that I am writing all of this, I can see things a little different, really how crazy everything has been. I am hurt, but I can put this behind me now. I won't go to his funeral, or hers, I won't try again. I have tried several times. It's over. I am amazed that I came from these people. Utterly amazed. I am not perfect in anyway, but I never deserved to be treated like this. I don't understand their type of cruelty. I had a totally different picture of my father, and he just ruined that today. I can hold him as accountable to all of the craziness as my mother. He allowed her to be abusive and didn't protect me then and now he is acting just as badly as she does. I am done with it.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    HUGS. And lots of them.

    Why is it that family can hurt us more than anyone else? Even when we think it will be okay?

    I started to wonder about the Parkinson's, but then I read the rest. And the whole thing just stinks.

    I will say this though - you have US!
  3. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thanks Step. When I read it myself the whole thing sounds really crazy. They hid me for 20 years. My oldest daughter contacted her cousin thru facebook. He did not even know about me, and my two daughters. His mom's family is a real close knit family and she never understood what they were doing, but she had to go along with it, she's sorry now, and we are all getting to know each other. My mother's sister's contacted me a couple of years ago and they told me that it was not my fault and that their sister really had mental issues. That they knew she was being mentally/emotionally abusive and approached her about it, she went nuts on them and didn't speak to one of them ever again. They just wanted me to know it wasn't my fault. That meant a lot to me. Someone else saying that they saw how she really was. My parents were wealthy and all looked right on the outside but it was so far from it. I am so glad that I have you guys, you are a terrific bunch of people.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911


    You have a kid that is 1/2 white? OMG! I never would have guessed that. Sheesh! Well good for you! I guess overall your parents are the ones that I pity. They've had 23 years to miss a wonderful woman, daughter, Mother to a wonderful Granddaughter, and how horrible is it that they've missed the blessing of a Granddaughter who I am sure is beautiful, sweet, lovely, talented, kind, and would have been and could have been the apple of anyone's eye. How sad, and lonely their lives must be living in their own private hell never going any further than the distance of their hate inside their own minds. Such a small space to dwell in. Not even really living - because when you have hate that deep? You don't live - you exist.

    As far as missing out on having parents? I can understand so well for you my friend how badly this must hurt, because I got lucky. I wasn't wanted at birth, and got adopted and had wonderful parents who gave me the world. Without them? I don't know if I would have been as kind, loving and nice as you are, and that's saying a lot because I haven't known you all that long - but you get a feel for people after you're so old, lived so long, lived so much, survived many things. Isn't it wild? You didn't have what I had and there you are - YOU - sweet, wonderful you. Even without all the things that you think you are lacking in the world, and even years later trying to see if you are still missing out on - yet you're not. You haven't missed a thing, because you became you not in spite of - but for the lack of. Amazing if you ask me. I wouldn't ever tell anyone you don't need em or anything like that, but look at you - Look at your family. Look at your daughter. Look what you have accomplished, and you did all that - on your own. Congratulations, you are quite a unique person. Not a survivor...and overcomer. And better yet? You've raised a daughter with those values as well. Bravo Mom.

    It's probably a better thing that you were not raised around all the negativity...and your baby too. Maybe not how YOU had it planned, but then again? Sometimes I wonder even with free will - and all that how much control do we really have. lol.

    Anyway - I'm very glad that we have you too. And I'm glad that you understand there is no fault in what happened. Some stuff just happens, and as humans we ALWAYS want to stick a human condition to it to make ourselves feel better or make sense of things - make it tangable. Your parents? You can't make any more sense of what happened there than they had mental illness - and leave it at that. You know you'll always have a family here. (some of us are a little funnier AND i DON'T MEAN HAHA.. than others and I won't mention any names _ but all in all - good people) Just watch out for and do not loan her your bicycle no matter HOW much she begs

    Hugs & Love
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jody...let it go.

    My mother never forgave me because (this is the short version) my grandmother left a whopping $5000 to my biological son only. I had three kids. I told her that I was going to split it up and she said "Grandma didn't want that." I told her then that I didn't want anything to do with it, that SHE would have to give the $5K to my biological son...I didn't believe in favoritism and thought it was cruel. There is more to it, but she NEVER forgave me. For years and years I tried to have a relationship with her by calling her maybe once a month. I offered to visit her. She didn't want me to. By the time she passed on, I hadn't seen her (her choice) for fifteen years. She never met my two youngest kids.

    I found out after she was gone and after I found out she had disinherited me that the entire reason for her dismissal of me from her life was because of this $5K. She had always listened to everything my grandmother wanted and she was horrified and angered that I wouldn't do it. If I had known that this was the reason I wouldn' thave tried, but, hey, she was my mother.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It



    I am sorry that they are so crazy. Racism just doesn't make any sense to me. I was in fifth grade when I finally figured out that my parents were not joking when they told me what racism is. Your parents are clearly nuts, in both a literal and figurative sense. They have squandered their lives and it truly will catch up to them. This is one of those things that the phrase "God will get you for that" was created for.

    You truly ARE a wonderful person and they have bankrupted their lives by cutting you out of it. Ignore them, but make sure you work with a therapist to process the feelings. In the meantime, enjoy your amazing and beautiful daughter and the other good things in your life. The egg and sperm donor don't deserve a millisecond of your time.

    I firmly believe that once you are not a child any more you can CHOOSE your family. Of course, like pets, sometimes they choose you, and WE CHOOSE YOU for our family.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I just can't wrap my head around the idea of people thinking like that. Sending lots of warm and loving hugs and thoughts your way. You have such a full life, including love and joy. Please don't spend another moment on this-it's their loss. I know it's easier said than done because, after all, these are your parents who are supposed to love Us and be there unconditionally. But dang it, they're not.

    It's times like these that we appreciate the people in our lives that do love us and make us feel needed and important.
  8. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    (((hugs))) that is horrible that your father would say that, and your mom too, and to hide the kids, wow. Family sure can hurt us, good for you putting an end to it, sometimes the best decision is to just walk away.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Racism...ah, yes. I forgot to tell you, in my story, that my biological son was my only caucasian child. The other two were adopted and asian. My grandmother made a big deal out of "blood is everything." I think there was a bit of "white" is everything.

    The sad part was, my grandmother loved me more than anyone, and yet she knew I didn't want her to do this and she did it anyway. And that caused a permanent split between my mother and me. I agree that your family is who loves you, not DNA (as an adoptive mom I REALLY believe this). I wonder if Grandma would have loved me so much if she had been alive to have seen my adoption of two black children...but, then again, I think I'd rather not know.
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm really sorry Jody. It was a very nice thing you did to call. Regardless of the outcome, you tried to do the right thing. It's just that you can't be the only one to do the right thing when everyone else is acting like poopoheads. It sounds as if their abusive cycle is still in full force. You are better off away from that dysfunction though I can only imagine how much it hurts.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Jody.
  12. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thank you so much for picking me up and helping me thru this. It stung yesterday, but after reading your replies and having a night to get over it. I am doing pretty good. SO thank you!!! Everyone of you for every hug and word of kindess and cheery outlook you sent my way. It was appreciated so much more than you'll ever know. You really are the greatest friends!!!! Thank you. Last night my car was breaking down on the highway, it over heated and I was sitting there with these semi's flying past me, I drive a malibu, so I felt like I was on a run way about ready to take off everytime one past me. It was scary and I am really not a panicking type person. I picked up my phone and called my friend Jean. She and her husband have really been my parents/family for 10 years. They love me and my children, and have a special relationship with them. They are great kind people. I love them, and after what my father said he really is no more than a donor. I can shut the door now and not open it back up. :)
  13. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I am sorry Jody. It is an awful hurt ... Your parents are the ones missing out on enjoying their lovely grandchildren ...
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Jody, I am so sorry. It's truly their loss.
    You are right to move on. They have made up their minds and that is that.
    No matter what you do, it will be seen as wrong.
    Many hugs. And kudos to you for finding a substitute family and friends.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Gotta love those cars that overheat......very similar to their hot women.