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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 383223" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I do think you need to let them handle things more. Or at least let difficult child see you letting the doctors have control. At the moment difficult child sees you intervening here and there, so she feels two things:</p><p></p><p>1) you are in control (when in reality, you are not) so all this is your fault</p><p></p><p>2) if difficult child believes she can manipulate you, then it follows that she believes she can manipulate you into manipulating the doctors.</p><p></p><p>Getting you and exH into family therapy - I wonder if this doctor has been misled by difficult child's comments about you getting back together as a family? Maybe the doctor doesn't realise just how impossible that is, and why. on the other hand, if it IS so very impossible, then maybe you all in therapy is going to be such an obvious failure that finally difficult child will realise, there is no hope there.</p><p></p><p>I think you are right, exH has had far too much input into this and it gives the impression to difficult child as well as the hospital staff, that his opinion has value and that your relationship is closer than you claim. You've been placating exH and along the way, placating difficult child. It's what you have learned to do, to keep the peace. So they keep behaving badly and you reward them with allowing it.</p><p></p><p>Time for you to clamp down. Also, I think, very much time for you to let the experts have a run at it, and for you to look after yourself. She HAS been getting a huge [aypff in terms of attention, so even if the problem was initially "I'm afraid I'll choke," it has now morphed into, "Hey, they really care about me! But if I begin to feel better and have less trouble swallowing, I'm scared that they will stop worrying about me, and I still might choke only nobody will be watching to keep me safe."</p><p>Both issues get mixed up together and cause trouble.</p><p></p><p>The original anxiety swallowing problem may be resolved, but now you wouldn't be able to be sure.</p><p></p><p>Let thme continue. As long as they realise the problem is multifactorial and they will work on multiple fronts, good.</p><p></p><p>Family therapy - you, H and difficult child. ExH can go fly a kite. Unless it's done with the understanding that you are trying to sort out boundaries with him and nail them in place, since he clearly doesn't understand boundaries at the moment. This could work in your favour, making it clear (to independent professional witnesses) that exH has been long-term ignoring boundaries.</p><p></p><p>Get some sleep. Rest and meditate, if you can't sleep. Write poetry. Anything. Often if I can't sleep, I get out of bed and go sit somewhere in the half-light, and write what is in my head and heart. Reading it later, or giving it to a therapist to read later, can be very helpful.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 383223, member: 1991"] I do think you need to let them handle things more. Or at least let difficult child see you letting the doctors have control. At the moment difficult child sees you intervening here and there, so she feels two things: 1) you are in control (when in reality, you are not) so all this is your fault 2) if difficult child believes she can manipulate you, then it follows that she believes she can manipulate you into manipulating the doctors. Getting you and exH into family therapy - I wonder if this doctor has been misled by difficult child's comments about you getting back together as a family? Maybe the doctor doesn't realise just how impossible that is, and why. on the other hand, if it IS so very impossible, then maybe you all in therapy is going to be such an obvious failure that finally difficult child will realise, there is no hope there. I think you are right, exH has had far too much input into this and it gives the impression to difficult child as well as the hospital staff, that his opinion has value and that your relationship is closer than you claim. You've been placating exH and along the way, placating difficult child. It's what you have learned to do, to keep the peace. So they keep behaving badly and you reward them with allowing it. Time for you to clamp down. Also, I think, very much time for you to let the experts have a run at it, and for you to look after yourself. She HAS been getting a huge [aypff in terms of attention, so even if the problem was initially "I'm afraid I'll choke," it has now morphed into, "Hey, they really care about me! But if I begin to feel better and have less trouble swallowing, I'm scared that they will stop worrying about me, and I still might choke only nobody will be watching to keep me safe." Both issues get mixed up together and cause trouble. The original anxiety swallowing problem may be resolved, but now you wouldn't be able to be sure. Let thme continue. As long as they realise the problem is multifactorial and they will work on multiple fronts, good. Family therapy - you, H and difficult child. ExH can go fly a kite. Unless it's done with the understanding that you are trying to sort out boundaries with him and nail them in place, since he clearly doesn't understand boundaries at the moment. This could work in your favour, making it clear (to independent professional witnesses) that exH has been long-term ignoring boundaries. Get some sleep. Rest and meditate, if you can't sleep. Write poetry. Anything. Often if I can't sleep, I get out of bed and go sit somewhere in the half-light, and write what is in my head and heart. Reading it later, or giving it to a therapist to read later, can be very helpful. Marg [/QUOTE]
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