Don't know if difficult child will have a birthday dinner
- Thread starter TerryJ2
- Start date
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Terry...Im sorry...I probably come off sounding very hardcore. It just chaps my hide to think of any of our kids hurting the parents here. Really does. Makes me want to smack em good...lol. Want a 300 pound woman to come knock some sense into difficult child? Or how bout I just send Cory to come glare at him if he even sneers at you...lol.
I really wonder if you need to go screen free for a period of time with difficult child. Maybe he needs to just play with old fashioned things like board games and cards and other things like that. He seems completely addicted to screens. To the point of violence. You will have to lock him out of the computer by passwording it completely so he cant even get in at all. Taking the keyboard or the mouse isnt going to work because he can get new ones somewhere. When I took phones away, Cory managed to talk neighbors into giving him a spare phone by telling them ours broke!
Im really worried for you. Really.
I really wonder if you need to go screen free for a period of time with difficult child. Maybe he needs to just play with old fashioned things like board games and cards and other things like that. He seems completely addicted to screens. To the point of violence. You will have to lock him out of the computer by passwording it completely so he cant even get in at all. Taking the keyboard or the mouse isnt going to work because he can get new ones somewhere. When I took phones away, Cory managed to talk neighbors into giving him a spare phone by telling them ours broke!
Im really worried for you. Really.
klmno
Active Member
Oh gosh- Terry, the computer I was referring to is my computer as well and the only one we had in the house except the one difficult child was issued during the school year. My feeling was that his issued computer should do him with some special exceptions when I'd let him use mine for a priviledge. My plan was to work some from home so he would be supervised in after school hours because he was too old for daycare and refused any program for after school. So, the office where I worked put software on my home computer to allow me to do this and I had made a home office out of the smallest bedroom. Mind you- all this was done because difficult child refused any after school program or day care once he turned 11 yo.
But, he wouldn't leave the computer alone- he bypassed the password, got on porn, which lead to the computer getting a virus, and took the hinges off the door after busting door trim to bypass the lock I'd put on the door. I was able to get around the password problem but it leaves the computer unable to have a password now. I had to take the computer to a specialist to completely "cleanse" it, causing me to lose all the software my office had put on it. I could use that software now to "sub" out some work from home if I had it. It would cost between $5000 and $6000 for me to buy it individually. The door and trim are ruined. He broke one monitor because he decided that if he couldn't have the computer, I couldn't either. I couldn't work at home at all after the jduge ordered the computer out of the house for about 2 months- costing me those hours from work in pay. This stuff transpired over the course of about 2 years. And in the end- I simply cannot keep difficult child off the computer when he is determined to "over-ride" the rules. I finally decided that dealing with his refusal to comply with the rules or defy them (as in why and what can we do about it) would have a better chance of being effective because until that was dealt with, outsmarting him was not getting us anywhere- it just made him more determined and kept moving things to a higher level of destruction.
But, he wouldn't leave the computer alone- he bypassed the password, got on porn, which lead to the computer getting a virus, and took the hinges off the door after busting door trim to bypass the lock I'd put on the door. I was able to get around the password problem but it leaves the computer unable to have a password now. I had to take the computer to a specialist to completely "cleanse" it, causing me to lose all the software my office had put on it. I could use that software now to "sub" out some work from home if I had it. It would cost between $5000 and $6000 for me to buy it individually. The door and trim are ruined. He broke one monitor because he decided that if he couldn't have the computer, I couldn't either. I couldn't work at home at all after the jduge ordered the computer out of the house for about 2 months- costing me those hours from work in pay. This stuff transpired over the course of about 2 years. And in the end- I simply cannot keep difficult child off the computer when he is determined to "over-ride" the rules. I finally decided that dealing with his refusal to comply with the rules or defy them (as in why and what can we do about it) would have a better chance of being effective because until that was dealt with, outsmarting him was not getting us anywhere- it just made him more determined and kept moving things to a higher level of destruction.
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trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
Terry, I agree that it would be useful for you to learn some self defense techniques, just so that you can protect yourself and get away from your difficult child if he's manhandling you.
I also want to make clear that I'm not advocating getting into a physical confrontation with your difficult child or trying to best him in a fight. I was lucky in that mine worked out my way, but it could have gone so very wrong so very quickly. I just saw the power dynamic starting to go askew and knew that I needed to do something, anything, to cement my position in the family wolf pack at a time when husband had left ALL discipline matters to me and was mollycoddling difficult child.
Terry, I think Janet's suggestion is a good one. My difficult child would get completely lost in TV shows and computer games, and then when he would come back to us, it was like he was coming down from a drug high--paranoia, anger, hostility, violence. We went completely screen free with him for 2 years, and then gradually reintroduced some very limited screen time. Right now the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) lets difficult child have 1 hr of tv per day, 1 hr of video gaming every other day, and 30 min of computer time every other day (on non video gaming days). All are fully supervised by staff, and if difficult child shows any signs of losing himself, they shut down right away and redirect him to another activity.
I also want to make clear that I'm not advocating getting into a physical confrontation with your difficult child or trying to best him in a fight. I was lucky in that mine worked out my way, but it could have gone so very wrong so very quickly. I just saw the power dynamic starting to go askew and knew that I needed to do something, anything, to cement my position in the family wolf pack at a time when husband had left ALL discipline matters to me and was mollycoddling difficult child.
Terry, I think Janet's suggestion is a good one. My difficult child would get completely lost in TV shows and computer games, and then when he would come back to us, it was like he was coming down from a drug high--paranoia, anger, hostility, violence. We went completely screen free with him for 2 years, and then gradually reintroduced some very limited screen time. Right now the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) lets difficult child have 1 hr of tv per day, 1 hr of video gaming every other day, and 30 min of computer time every other day (on non video gaming days). All are fully supervised by staff, and if difficult child shows any signs of losing himself, they shut down right away and redirect him to another activity.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Uh ... I thought he WAS screen-free. We took his computer away 2 mo's ago, when he was put on academic probation, told him he was grounded off of all electronic equipment, etc. His hard drive is still in the kitchen, but I removed the screen and mouse. (It's a little heavy for me.)
The TV cord disappeared when I last hid it. I honestly don't know where it is and don't care.
What am I missing?
The TV cord disappeared when I last hid it. I honestly don't know where it is and don't care.
What am I missing?
N
Nomad
Guest
I'm so sorry.
Is your son being supervised when you guys go out?
It sounds like he might need this.
husband and I have a great relationship.
What I"m about to say confuse
"some" folks...but should NOT confuse you or probably most
here...
We went to counseling a few times when we had it up to HERE with- difficult child years ago and we still go about once a year for advice.
Marriages these days struggle for far less...but having a difficult child in the house is really really difficult and really really confusing.
She gave us some good advice re: parenting difficult child and also ways to strengthen our marriage.
Is your son being supervised when you guys go out?
It sounds like he might need this.
husband and I have a great relationship.
What I"m about to say confuse
"some" folks...but should NOT confuse you or probably most
here...
We went to counseling a few times when we had it up to HERE with- difficult child years ago and we still go about once a year for advice.
Marriages these days struggle for far less...but having a difficult child in the house is really really difficult and really really confusing.
She gave us some good advice re: parenting difficult child and also ways to strengthen our marriage.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Thanks, Nomad.
I'm not in marriage counseling right now, but have been in the past. I just have to remember to use the tools we were given.
We have date nights once a wk, which I really look forward to.
I go by myself to a counselor and hadn't been going for a long time, but things came to a head so I decided to go back.
We have a child psychologist and psychiatrist for difficult child. We need new ideas ... plus, the child psychologist is funny and clever so I want to try him again b4 we switch out with-anything else.
Meanwhile, I am on 2 waiting lists with-psychiatrists to get a 2nd opinion on difficult child and his moods and whether he's got something we're missing. He is on medications but nothing for bipolar, just Imiprimene, clonidine, and Adderall.
When they wear off, we can really, really tell!
So I know they're working.
I am worried about the impulsivity and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) activity with-the computer (which we have also experienced with-food and lingerie, but those have passed, more or less), so that's one direction I want to move in.
I'm not in marriage counseling right now, but have been in the past. I just have to remember to use the tools we were given.
We have date nights once a wk, which I really look forward to.
I go by myself to a counselor and hadn't been going for a long time, but things came to a head so I decided to go back.
We have a child psychologist and psychiatrist for difficult child. We need new ideas ... plus, the child psychologist is funny and clever so I want to try him again b4 we switch out with-anything else.
Meanwhile, I am on 2 waiting lists with-psychiatrists to get a 2nd opinion on difficult child and his moods and whether he's got something we're missing. He is on medications but nothing for bipolar, just Imiprimene, clonidine, and Adderall.
When they wear off, we can really, really tell!
So I know they're working.
I am worried about the impulsivity and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) activity with-the computer (which we have also experienced with-food and lingerie, but those have passed, more or less), so that's one direction I want to move in.
K
Kjs
Guest
That sounds SO FAMILIAR. Happy Birthday to difficult child. My difficult child's birthday is wednesday. We always do the dinner thing too. but now that he has become a vegetarian...don't have any idea what to do.
Your day sounds exactly like my days.
Hope he had a good birthday.
Your day sounds exactly like my days.
Hope he had a good birthday.
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
When we went screen free with difficult child, we knew that he would break the rules at any opportunity. We did the following:
1) Any computer in the public spaces of the house had strong password protection, and no user account for difficult child.
2) Any room with a TV in it was locked and deadbolted. difficult child was not allowed in those rooms without escort.
It was a rough couple of years, and I had to be very careful not to leave my keys around...
