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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 95724" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It IS hard. Now I have difficult child 3 at home with me all day, I feel sometimes as if I have no independent identity. All my own projects have all been put to one side, because if I don't put this effort into him, he will be taking up a lot more of my time for a lot longer. But yes, it is hard.</p><p></p><p>Something I think you need to do - don't compare him to your toddler. They are different kids and their minds work in different ways. I am glad your toddler doesn't seem to have the same problems. That must be a blessing for you.</p><p></p><p>If you keep thinking of difficult child that he CAN control his actions, you will get even more resentful and this won't make any difference to him, but it will make things even harder for you. These kids really do have major impulse control issues and it makes things seem so much worse. You just end up dealing with each problem as it arises, although if you can see problems looming you can try to prevent. For example, if he says he's going to the river with his friend (who you also feel is a difficult child) and they say no way will we jump off the rope over the river, uh uh, don't let him go. Impulse control - they're gonna jump off that rope over the river. In the same way, I never let my impulse-control kids hang out with their friends at the corner store - fast track to smoking and drinking and promiscuity, in our town. Of course they resented me (for a while) but as the 'friends' they would have been hanging with increasingly got police records, my kids are glad. I did make sure I replaced it with other fun stuff, so they weren't sitting at home being bored, we'd go for bushwalks or for a swim in the lagoon. And yes, they could bring a friend. But I would be there too, pretending not to be watching.</p><p></p><p>Think of your difficult child as a very smart, very big, walking-talking baby. Love him. The more secure and happy he feels, the less anxious he will feel and the more likely he will be able to control his actions and think clearly first. Congratulate him for every sensible choice but do not overdo the anger when he gets it wrong. Sorrowful works better than rage, every time.</p><p></p><p>Did you ever read "Anne of Green Gables"? There was a lovely story in one of the "Chronicles of Avonlea" books, "The Miracle at Carmody". The little boy in that, Lionel Hezekiah (what a name!), had impulse control issues, big time. Her lived with his two aunts, one was stern and the other was gentle; it was the gentle one who got through to the child more effectively. As the story said, he was not a bad child; he just didn't think first. Whenever I saw one of my boys doing something like I read in that story, I tried to remember the kind aunt (Salome) and not the one who was always cross (Judith).</p><p></p><p>I just had a look - due to expiration of copyright, this story is now freely available online. It's a short story, a single chapter.</p><p><a href="http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/montgomery/chronicles/chronicles-11.html" target="_blank">http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/montgomery/chronicles/chronicles-11.html</a></p><p></p><p>Have hope, have heart. In ten years' time with all the effort you're putting in, he will have had the best chance at being the best he can be. Hold on to that.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 95724, member: 1991"] It IS hard. Now I have difficult child 3 at home with me all day, I feel sometimes as if I have no independent identity. All my own projects have all been put to one side, because if I don't put this effort into him, he will be taking up a lot more of my time for a lot longer. But yes, it is hard. Something I think you need to do - don't compare him to your toddler. They are different kids and their minds work in different ways. I am glad your toddler doesn't seem to have the same problems. That must be a blessing for you. If you keep thinking of difficult child that he CAN control his actions, you will get even more resentful and this won't make any difference to him, but it will make things even harder for you. These kids really do have major impulse control issues and it makes things seem so much worse. You just end up dealing with each problem as it arises, although if you can see problems looming you can try to prevent. For example, if he says he's going to the river with his friend (who you also feel is a difficult child) and they say no way will we jump off the rope over the river, uh uh, don't let him go. Impulse control - they're gonna jump off that rope over the river. In the same way, I never let my impulse-control kids hang out with their friends at the corner store - fast track to smoking and drinking and promiscuity, in our town. Of course they resented me (for a while) but as the 'friends' they would have been hanging with increasingly got police records, my kids are glad. I did make sure I replaced it with other fun stuff, so they weren't sitting at home being bored, we'd go for bushwalks or for a swim in the lagoon. And yes, they could bring a friend. But I would be there too, pretending not to be watching. Think of your difficult child as a very smart, very big, walking-talking baby. Love him. The more secure and happy he feels, the less anxious he will feel and the more likely he will be able to control his actions and think clearly first. Congratulate him for every sensible choice but do not overdo the anger when he gets it wrong. Sorrowful works better than rage, every time. Did you ever read "Anne of Green Gables"? There was a lovely story in one of the "Chronicles of Avonlea" books, "The Miracle at Carmody". The little boy in that, Lionel Hezekiah (what a name!), had impulse control issues, big time. Her lived with his two aunts, one was stern and the other was gentle; it was the gentle one who got through to the child more effectively. As the story said, he was not a bad child; he just didn't think first. Whenever I saw one of my boys doing something like I read in that story, I tried to remember the kind aunt (Salome) and not the one who was always cross (Judith). I just had a look - due to expiration of copyright, this story is now freely available online. It's a short story, a single chapter. [url="http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/montgomery/chronicles/chronicles-11.html"]http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/montgomery/chronicles/chronicles-11.html[/url] Have hope, have heart. In ten years' time with all the effort you're putting in, he will have had the best chance at being the best he can be. Hold on to that. Marg [/QUOTE]
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