Don't know what to call this feeling. Indifference maybe?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jody, May 9, 2011.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Okay, Mother's Day. My own Mother and I haven't talked in 25 years, she was abusive and just mean spirited, and very prejudice. Anyway, no problems there, don't feel any loss or anything after 25 years. I am a mother of two daughters. Since I am a Mother I believed, expected, thought that Mother's day should be somehow special. Oh my goodness, I am about to be a complainer. I was happier spendinging time with my dog. There I said it. I've been feeling guilty about feeling that but jeez, it's true.

    My difficult child tells me she's going to cook me scrambled eggs and toast. Well she gets up and discovers the pan that she wants needs washed. I had made her eggs the night before and the pan was soaking. She flipped out and told me your not getting your eggs because the pan's not clean. Mind you I have a complete set of cookware. 5 other pans would have been acceptable to use. So she says I'll make you some toast. I was okay with that until..... She comes to my room with two pieces of cold toasted bread, no butter or anything, no plate or napkin, nothing. Just hands me two pieces of cold toast. I guess my look of shock was enough, so she grabs the bread and says I can't do anything to please you and comes back now with the same cold toast, now smeered in butter, that is not melting. I couldn't and wouldn't eat it. Back to the can't please you. Really???? Then the name calling. Dumb B***** Raising her voice, knowing that the landlord was right next door. Told her to be quiet and then her famous line, It's a free country. I lock her out of my room, and go back to bed. Told her I would be taking her home as soon as her foster mom got back from her Mother's Day breakfast. Shortly I get a text from the brat in the next room, Sorry I called you that, and ruined your Mother's day. (Just like every other Holiday).

    Oldest daughter, calls me and ask if I am going to church. I said no, the disappointment is heard in her voice. She takes me to Sonic Drive thru and we go back to my apartment to eat it. She leaves very quickly and then I see that she has posted on fer FB, that it hurts her to see me living my life this way and hopes that I can give it up and let God take care of it. Since she has gone to college she has learned all the correct ways to parent, and what's wrong to do. I can't stand listening to it all. She's going to be a minister, but I don't want her practicing on me. I don't know where my daughter is. I would have loved to have a regular conversation with her yesterday. Watch and old tv program together. I don't think she wants any tv anymore. The relationship is tense. It's like having company over and I feel like I am walking on egg shells. When relationships get too hard I just shutdown. I don't want this too happen. I might end up old and lonely. She told me I need to have more energy. I have fibromyalga and chronic fatigue. I have always been active. It's harder now, but she doesn't believe these illnesses are valid. You know God will take it away thought process.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sorry. Had to LOL over easy child daughter. She has no children yet. She has no clue about parenting, no matter what she has learned. Skills are good and if she's learned some new ways of doing things, then good for her. But until she has that child to be responsible for, she has no clue.

    As for the God will fix it deal.........I have that with my mom to the extreme, seriously. It gets old fast. Now? I tell her God makes special people to teach others valuable lessons. If he instantly healed all those special people, no lessons would be learned. I haven't heard the If you just ask God thing for a while...........I will eventually, because she can't let that go.

    difficult child? I'd have told her that anything she wanted to make for mother's day would have been special. What made it not special was her deteriorating into nastiness the moment she came to a bump in her plans. As for the she can't do anything right? Sorry sweetie, world doesn't revolve around you. husband used to like to use that one, all the time. ugh He stopped once I made it clear it wasn't gonna work with me. Passive aggressive defensiveness. Lash out at you before you can lash out at her. So it's your fault.........Know what I mean??

    As for the relationship with easy're Mom. Tell her how you're feeling and clear the air to remove the tension. I've had a few times like this with easy child.......always turned out it was because she just didn't feel like she knew what to say with all the difficult child drama going on. She didn't know how to make me feel better and she certainly didn't want to say anything to make me feel worse. We worked through that we mostly don't discuss gfgdom.......we keep things pretty normal stuff. I need that to help keep me sane with difficult child drama is rampant.........and she needs that too keep close with her mom.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry Jody. Nasty difficult child's who cant seem to do anything right and then easy child's who seem to want to tell us how to do things. My kids seem to have come to the conclusion that I am inept in my old I think they are assuming that 50 is almost dead. Just wait until their kids do this to I am not senile yet.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Big {{{hugs}}}, you deserve better.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    First, big gentle hugs to you. And happy mothers day.

    As time moved along while my easy child was at college, it became apparent that she felt she knew everything and poor pitiful me knew nothing. In my moments of frustration with difficult child, easy child would give me one liners, i.e., 'maybe if you didn't...." fill in the blank. And it was all the time. Then it was my cooking, or how we eat, or what we do for entertainment. Seemed after 45+ years on this earth, H and I had gotten it all completely wrong! Oh my! What to do? Last year, just as we were all walking on eggshells and easy child couldn't bear to be with her ignorant, loud, parents anymore, she moved into her then boyfriend's home, which happened to house his two very quiet, reverent -extremely religious- parents. Before she moved in with them, she would tell H and I about how they were so kind to one another and how they never argued (because the wife was subservient to her H). Anyway, within two months, she just couldn't stand it anymore and came home, humble. She is still picky and sometimes critical, but not annoyingly so. We can speak up for ourselves and do.

    I agree with hound that you need to have a heart to heart with easy child. She is your easy child and you are the mom. She's at a phase outside of what she grew up with and it's normal for her to begin making personal choices about her life, with you and without you. You will need to toughen up your armor a bit to deal with this aspect of spending time with easy child. Not until she is on her own, possibly with her very own children will she realize. But in the meantime you can have a better relationship.

    In regards to the God thing, well, I am not one to talk about God so I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. Suffice it to say that she needs to respect your belief system and not shove hers down your throat.

    And the difficult child situation, well, it is what it is. Are you in any sort of counseling? You may need support JUST FOR YOU in learning how to cope being home alone and caring for yourself for the first time in a longtime, no?

    I'm sorry mothers day was such a disappointment. Like many of us do, next year plan something special for yourself and then get up and do it. Hugs.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Ya Jody!

    Sooooo I'm taking it you missed the "What I got myself for Mother's Day first annual day of forgetfulness post?" Okay - you can get with us next year. Hmmmm So you got no eggs, cold buttered toast and a colder daughter? I've had that same dish served except male. I'm not sure which is tastier excpet in my house since I didn't have a landlord? I threw the toast and said something ridiculous like "Shove it up your toaster." Except I didn't say toaster, but I said a bad word like glass, minus the gl. Then because the toast was cold buttered? It stuck to my wall next to the door and HOW that happend is a complete mystery, but two pieces of cold buttered toast landing side by side, stuck to the wall? Never happen twice. It did make Dude laugh though....then I think that made me more angry, which made him laugh harder - and that made me laugh - so he grabbed to toast off the wall and stuck them to each side of his butt and said "HERE? Is this where you really wanted them Mom?"

    I swear, even when I get angry I can't win, and I don't know what ever made me think I could have one normal holiday ever? Dreams ? I had em. lol. Funny how all those dreams I had are now the best funny stories now, but made me so sad then. For me, and I don't know where you are in the scheme of detachment but Dude went through the whole system and finally into foster care and then they sent him back after a year and a half and OH wasn't that fun - they even did it without us knowing it and gave us like a week or so to plan for THAT - and what sneaky little turds they were about it too. Anyway - somewhere in all of this - (and I had major health issues too while this was going on) I realised that I had to detach. Life just goes on and you think you won't make it, but you do. You sound like the little engine that could and you're running out of steam. been there done that and it's tiresome.

    Hearts and Roses had a great suggestion about the counseling. I LOVED my therapist time. I needed it, I didn't want it - but eventually I got to the point where I really liked going. It was like telling someone about all my junk - blowing out my piehole and then leaving feeling about 10 lbs lighter with a plan. A new plan every week. The best thing was - I didn't burden any family or friends. And mostly? By this time (teenage years) I didn't have any friends left anyway. Dudes behaviors had seen to that, and I really didn't mind. Serious loner here. What I did mind was not connecting in anyway to anything. I was just stuck in a rut. I like people as long as I can go home and be alone. Ilike my privacy - but I like to get out and do things. Kids kinda make that impossible especially when you have difficult children - but you have a window of opportunity right now and you are doing the right thing - she acts like a butt - you take her back. Period. Good for you.

    As far as the pontiff? Ehhhhhh. I have a lot of thoughts about religion too - but I will just say this much. What is in my heart, and in my prayers are between myself and the man upstairs - the rest? Interpretation as others see it, read it, feel it. I have always found that to live by example is the best way to get people to follow anything you belive in. Tell your daughter a little less talk and a lot more by example and to be the change she wants to see in the world.

    You know of course - it's only TUesday - You can still run out with your $5.00 and join us - I'll wait - go git yerself somethin' nice - and then you can say "I got XX for mothers day" - Go on - just dont get bread and butter. (bad choice)
  7. Jody

    Jody Active Member


    You are too funny. I am totally celebrating Mother's Day next year by myself. Going to make very specific plans to do so way in advance. I will let my kids celebrate with me but maybe the weekend before or weekend after, but not on Mother's Day. I am going to take that day and really celebrate. Even if you don't expect anything, it still sucks no matter what you expected. We work hard all year and the lack of regard for me on Mother's Day bites. They don't have to spend any money but they can do other things to make it nice and they chose to do the least possible and still say they did something. Not. Just not going to work, not going to pretend it doesn't bother me. Not letting them off the hook so easily. Mother's Day should be Celebrated. Just my view on things. I am gonna celebrate mine whether I have to do it myself.

    My oldest daughter and the religion thing. I have cooled off about that. She's just growing up and expressing herself, she will find out later in life, heck I didn't know everything at 18. Hearts and Roses was definately right about that. i need to toughen up a little in that area. She's a good kid and she'll figure it out.
  8. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Sorry you didn't have a good mother's day.

    I know all about the breakfast fiasco's, many times I've woken up to yelling from the kitchen, slamming of a pan that was in the sink or she could not find to save her life, shouted at the dog, told the dog she was so sorry, hit her knee on a corner...ask if she can calm down and like your's will tell me something along the lines of..don't tell me what to do..

    Sorry you went through all that.Hugs to you.. :flowers: