Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by GwenM, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. GwenM

    GwenM New Member

    Hello everyone,
    I am new to this forum. Our 13 year old son has been out of control for about 3 years. We have him on medication, in therapy, and have sent him for inpatient treatment once. We are currently trying to have him placed in a residential treatment facility. Nothing seems to help. He is just getting worse. He is constantly stealing, and even when he is caught red handed, claims he didn't take anything. He is currently on probation for stealing a check from a teacher and putting it into his school lunch account. Anytime he is told to do something he doesn't want to do, doesn't get his way, or gets caught doing something wrong, he gets violently aggressive. Tomorrow he will be going to alternative school for the second time. This time for attacking a boy in the locker room. He acts as if adults don't have the right to tell him to do anything, and is constantly cussing and being disrespectful towards adults. Lately, he has started to act out sexually. He tries to watch his sisters, and me in the shower, and we have had to put up extra doors and locks to keep him out of the girls' rooms at night. It feels like anytime we try to get help for him, the whole thing gets twisted to make us look like horrible parents. He is so manipulative that he even has his therapist believing that we are making it all up. Luckily, his psychiatrist sees that he is the issue, and is working with us to get him placed in inpatient therapy. His therapist thinks that inpatient isn't needed, and that we just need to do an intervention. Everyone at his school seems to think that we are doing nothing to correct his issues, and seem shocked when they hear all the steps that we have taken. It feels like no matter how hard we try, we just aren't getting anywhere. It is so frustrating. Any ideas on what we can do next would be greatly appreciated.
  2. GwenM

    GwenM New Member

    Oh and he has been diagnosed with ADHD and Conduct Disorder.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome...
    As we say around here... glad you found us, sorry you needed to.

    Mind if we start from the second post?
    Who did the diagnosis (diagnosis... short forms around here...) and when?
    What medications is he on?
    When did the behavior start?
    What was he like as a baby/toddler/early school years?
    Family history - adopted/bio, mental health history in family, etc.

    Not because we're being nosy. We're just "other parents"... and this kind of info "pops out" at certain parents who have been down that particular road...
  4. GwenM

    GwenM New Member

    He was diagnosed by his current psychiatrist after personality testing was done. He is on Adderall, Intuniv, and Abilify, but he does not take them. He will pretend to take them, and then I will find them hidden in his room later. Sometimes he collects them to try and sell them. He had slight behavior problems for awhile, but they really started getting out of hand when he was ten. At that time we sought help and he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD by his pediatrician. His pyschiatrist changed his diagnosis to conduct disorder about two months ago. I am not his biological mother. She walked out and left their father to raise the children 10 years ago. I have been in the picture for 5 years now, and I have two children of my own. One I had before I met my husband and one that we have together. We also have a 16 year old and 12 year old in the house.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    HI Gwen, sorry you are having to go through so much. Loss of his mother at that young age could be of course a HUGE factor in all of this. It is really a trust buster and can shape how a child views the whole world. They can feel they need to take care of themselves no matter what people think because they will never let anyone hurt them that way again. (even though you have given him love and care.... as they say in these cases, LOVE is not enough!....), and one classic symptom of an attachment disorder????? they can be really charming and deceiving to other people to make the parents seem like total jerks. A therapist who is not specialized in working with attachment disordered kids can do more damage than good because they polarize the child and parents. they buy into the poor me stuff that the kids put out there.

    Not sure of this for you but here are some resources for you to investigate to see if this might be part of it (much of this is from adoption sites because that is a very common situation causing this issue but there are lots of known causes including chronic childhood pain that caregivers can't help, separations from parent (s) through no fault of anyone...just circumstances, of course situations like you mentioned when a parent leaves a child due to their own issues, etc... many ways this can happen so dont be put off by the origin of the sites, just see what you think. This is a spectrum issue so some sites only discuss the most severe/detached from humanity kinds of kids....but many of the sites look at the full range of insecure attachment and other kinds of attachment issues.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome. I'm sorry your difficult child is struggling so much right now. I'm glad the psychiatrist knows what is really going on. I'm guessing you watch him take his medications? We used to have a problem with difficult child wanting to take his medications (still do sometimes) but his world stops (no tv, video games, etc...) until we see that he has taken them.

    So glad you found our little corner of the world; you will find much support here. ((((hugs))))
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome!! Glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

    My gut feeling after reading your posts is that this child will never do well in a home environment. Sorry - I know that hurts to hear, but I also could be wrong. But, it is a gut feeling for me.
    He needs a residential facility at this point in his life. The best parenting move is to get that moving ASAP. Especially for the girls in the house.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Just wondering... what was he like for the first 10 years?
    What, in particular, happened in his life 3 years ago?

    Things like attachment disorders usually start when the child is very young, and the behaviours would have been obvious back then.
  9. GwenM

    GwenM New Member

    I don't know about the first 8 years, but from the time I was with him, he had obvious signs of ADHD. The aggression and other issues did not start until his biological mother started coming around again, and the more involved she gets, the worse his behavior seems to be. I am not saying that that is the only issue for him, but I truly feel that it is contributing to the problem.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    She said the bio mom walked out 10 years ago...then when she shows up from time to time there are worse issues....chances are her issues with him didn't suddenly start when she left so???????