Don't know what to expect next...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemysons, Jul 4, 2011.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    After not hearing from young difficult child for several days last week husband and I finally got a visit from him on Saturday afternoon. He was telling us that he had been in Rehab for a few days and that he had been attending AA meetings as well. What he "really" wanted was for husband and I to go pay the rent on the apt like we had agreed to "IF" he were to place himself in a Rehab or Sub Abuse Program.
    Of Course, Young difficult child had no documentation on him...said it was at his mother in law's. Ya right.
    He tried to get money out of husband and I and we did not give him any...He did snag a pack of cigs from me though.

    Meanwhile...I was trying to get ahold of his mother in law to find out if she knew anything about young difficult child supposibly admitting himself in a Sub Abuse Program. I finally got her on the phone...she told me that his wife, M, was finally through with young difficult child and that wife was "paying him off" him 30 dollars and ride anywhere he chose in order to get rid of him.

    Saturday night about 10pm I got a call from young difficult child...he said he was at a gas station not far from mother in law's. He wanted me to come pick him up and take him to he and wife's Apartment. I told him I would not do that and that it sounded like he needed to work things out for himself. He also said that he "found out wife had a personal ad on Craigslist soliciting men" and that this is why they are no longer together.

    Yesterday I spoke with his mother in law again. She told me that young difficult child was at her house at 3am banging and knocking and yelling for wife. She said she and my grandson were in the living room in the dark as this was going on (???)
    She said young difficult child also called her house many times in the middle of the night and that he was threatening to take the grandbabies away from her as "she is not the parent" etc etc. Young difficult child has always been very posessive and has difficulty with sharing Anything!

    mother in law told me that she would have called the police on young difficult child but was worrried that he might ACTUALLY be able to take the grandbabies as she has no legal authority to keep them. She also stated that wife was NOT at home at the time and that she didn't know where wife was.

    I have found out some disturbing news though...
    Young difficult child has court tomorrow along with wife. This is for a Domestic Abuse incident between wife and young difficult child that occured a few months ago when they were at their apt. Wife did not file charges but instead sent him to a psychiatric unit that night. He had "poked" her in the eye.
    Now, I did see her the day after this incident and she did not have any marks or bruising on her face but apparently the State has picked up this incident and young difficult child and wife are scheduled to appear in Court tomorrow re this incident.
    I will say that I DO believe young difficult child can be abusive...emotionally, verbally, and physically. He has Never harmed me but He did hit wife once when they lived with us last year and husband CLOCKED him!!!
    After that I thought young difficult child would never touch wife again in an abusive way but apparently I was wrong.

    I am reminded of the abuse my mother suffered at the hands of my bio dad ( who died last Nov). I was Not raised by bio dad did not even meet him til I was 17 but Young difficult child is the spitting image of him. Half sister (who I also met at 17) told me that she believed our dad to have had Bipolar Disorder too.
    The genetic similarities and now behavior are so closely related between Young difficult child and my bio dad, it's amazing...and TRULY unfortunate.

    I have not heard from young difficult child since Saturday night. No idea where he is. mother in law did tell me that she found sites for Mexico on her computer. Apparently she and wife think he may have run off.
    Personally I don't think he is too far away...I made sure all of our house doors were locked last night as I really suspect we're going to find him on our doorstep sometime soon.

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would think you may be right. As much as I sometimes think it would be a good thing for these young adults to "go forth young man, go forth", they seem to get stuck up under our butts. I know I dont think Cory will ever move more than 10 miles from He seems to have some kind of homing pigeon type sense. Or like Step2 said, that homing uterus except he doesnt have a uterus...lmao.

    I really doubt he went into any type of rehab. I cant see one that would take him for 2 or 3 days and let him go as all better now and send him on his way to an AA meeting. Not if he told them the truth. It takes longer than that to withdraw from pain pills.

    You have to be stronger than he is and maybe stronger than both of them. Let it play out.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    If wife is done with him she needs to seek a temporary custody order asap, like in tomorrow. She can go to any domestic violence shelter and do this for free. Actually a restraining order or order of protection may also be a good idea. As it doesn't appear difficult child is handling her breaking up with him very well. Last thing that needs to happen is for him to take possession of the grandbaby in a fit of selfishness or spite.

    Nichole and her husband split up last spring over my bff's death. Nichole had the good sense to leave Aubrey with her husband, since the person she chose to be with is a psychopath. Her husband did a good job keeping Aubrey out of the drama that took place over those few weeks of hades on earth. Mom had to really stick her nose into the fire and put my foot down when Nichole got a wild hair up her fanny to spite her husband and move Aubrey in where she was staying. I told her that Aubrey's daddy might not be able to stop her........they weren't married and he didn't have legal custody........but I MOST CERTAINLY would if I had to snatch Aubrey up myself and bring cps into it for child endangerment. THAT got her attention in a huge way. Actually I think that is what snapped her back to reality. Because I've always been her biggest supporter where Aubrey is concerned. That and she knew I wasn't kidding.

    I know it's really hard to watch. I had to watch it with Nichole and her husband. I had to listen to both sides too which was just peachy, ugh. FINALLY I managed to get them to actually talk to each other, instead of other people. But then there were no addictions involved either to make it more complicated.

    Give your daughter in law the above advice to keep grandbaby safe and let the rest play out with difficult child taking his lumps. It's hard to watch....but you never know......maybe this will be enough to motivate him into rehab for real.

  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You've gotten great advice from Warriors Janet and Hound. I know how hard it is to not know what's around the corner when it comes to our kids. I think you are absolutely right about his not being too far away ...they dream big but I don't think he'd leave the kids - especially with his control and possession issues.

    Hang in there.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just joining in to add my support for you, my friend. It does seem to be an unending nightmare. I'm sorry that finding the truth is so matter which version is correct. Hugs. DDD
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I agree that he is likly nearby. My difficult child never goes far even though he dreams of moving to another state far away. I know it isn't gonna happen because every time he gets into trouble he is at my door or ringing my phone. I am sorry for your troubles the grands are a big concern and I really feel for you and them. -RM
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    You are SO right about this difficult child of mine sticking close to home. I don't think he is very far from us at all. I talked to his mother in law today and she said that young difficult child called her house again last night...wanting to know if wife and kids were there (they were not). mother in law told him that "You seem to already have all the answers so figure it out for yourself." I thought this seemed a bit instigating to me as a response to young difficult child. I would have just told him No they aren't here right now can I leave a messege.

    Really sounds like you are familiar with the type of situation I am looking at re young difficult child right now. While talking to mother in law today I did mention that a friend (You, thank you) told me that wife could get temp custody of the grandbabies at a domestic abuse shelter as well as protection from abuse order in place. Also mentioned that she could look into this tomorrow when she, wife, goes to court. Thank you for the hugs.

    I don't know what's next. But, however, I DO believe young difficult child is nearing the end of his rope. He won't be able to stay with "friends" long if thats where he's at. He is a very antsy person, and his mood swings alone are enough to drive most alittle batty.

    It is an unending nightmare...though closing in I think.
    Today husband and I went to Hobby Lobby and bought some beautiful picture frames for 50% off. husband cooked for easy child, Matt, his girfriends and easy child's girlfriend this afternoon while I went through years and years of family photos: birthdays, trips, christmas, swimming parties, skating parties, baseball game pics, football pics...Just sweet memories of what "used to be". I found one of young difficult child sitting on the living room floor looking up at me taking the picure of him. He was playing with his Legos and had them all scattered around him. Makes me tear up to think about. That used to be a Very big part of young difficult child's and my "bonding time". He and I would sit together many many Saturdays and build and build and build. He loved that.

    Oh well...this is today.
    I'm trying to stay optomistic though..."Today is the first day of the rest of your life". Maybe it will mark a new beginning for young difficult child sometime soon. One can only hope.

    Hugs my friends, thank you for being there.
    ps...I just recently got internet hooked up to home this past week. Was using my Iphone before that. So my correspondence to you all should be much faster than in the past. Though this next weekend family and I will be headed to Las Vegas for easy child's national bowling tournament.
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi there rejectedmom,
    Yes, the grandbabies are a GREAT concern. I don't believe young difficult child would hurt his children but I don't think he is in his right mind right now either.

    Bothers me that both young difficult child and wife are such...I mean SUCH...L-A-z-Y people! It was at least 11am this morning when I talked to young difficult child's mother in law and wife was STILL asleep. She did this when they lived with us too. I used to get up and start cleaning up the kitchen straightening up the living room from night before and here would come lil Joey down the stairs. Mom and dad were fast asleep....which is the only thing they seem to be "fast" at, sigh. Anyway now it's in young difficult child's mother in law's hands. She's the one up in the mornings with the grandbabies and apparently was up at 3am the other morning with Joey....which really bothers me too.

    The stories I hear from young difficult child at times or wife at times are so confusing. I can only imagine how confusing life, everything, has been for lil Joey who is 3 1/2 now and Just the most precious lil boy on earth!

    Thank you all for caring,
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    lms...Iit is extremely hard to figure out the lives of some of these adult kids. I cannot figure out for the life of me how parents these days can manage to allow little kids to stay awake until 11pm and then everyone sleeps in until 10 or later! Unheard of when mine were little. Or sitting around all day letting kids run around in the house while mom plays on the computer. My boys would have taken my house apart.

    This is one of the reasons we said Cory and Mandy had to be out of our house before the new baby arrived. While Cory does wake up easily, Mandy sleeps like the dead and I dont think she is going to wake up no matter how much noise a baby makes when it cries. Seriously, she fell asleep on my bed one day and Tony tried to wake her up and she wouldnt wake up so he just picked her up and carried her out to the couch in the middle of the day and left her there. She woke up like two hours later and never even knew how she got there.

    I have no doubt that if they lived here we would be doing the majority of the baby care just like we did with Keyana. He wont admit it but we did with Keyana. Now he adores her and we know that. We wont deny it but with Keyana he has a hobby. With this new baby he is going to have it full time and I am not stepping in except when I want to and not when I dont.
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow Janet, sounds like Cory and Mandy could really be in for some struggles regarding who gets up and takes care of new baby. Won't that be fun to hear about...Not!

    I hear ya on the kids staying up late and everyone sleeping in. But young difficult child's wife is going to figure it out soon. I did tell her the other day that when Joey starts school next year that it will be like SHE is in school too. That she'll have to get up and get them dressed fed and out the door on time and pick up on time. No more sleeping til noon ya know.

    She'll find out.
    I just wish one of them had some survival instincts. husband and I talked about it not long ago...we had like 10 jobs between the 2 of us in the first 5 yrs of our marriage and we would do ANYTHING to make a buck: Deliver phone books, work at home for a reunion service, clean our parents homes on the weekends, deliver newspapers, courier jobs, Burger King, etc etc etc You get the idea. But these two...I don't know what they're waiting for but neither of them seems to really have woken up to the fact that they are adults now and morevoer that they are Parents! UHG!!!

  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LMS - Sounds like you are staying strong and clear and not being fooled by young difficult children stories. That is great, stay strong as hard and gut wrenching as it is! I am really glad you and mother in law are talking and are on the same page. It sounds like you know your son and she knows her daughter and hopefully between you, you will be able to help the grandbabies.
  12. Mrs.McNear51

    Mrs.McNear51 Member


    So sorry to hear of the latest. My heart goes out to you. I wish I had great advice, but all I can say is ride this out and leave it up to him. Make sure grands are safe and keep your doors locked. Maybe the police will pick him up and at least everyone will be safe for the time being.

    Hang in there my friend. I'll keep you in prayer as always. Call me anytime if you'd like to talk.

    Love you,

  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Toughlovin and Julie...
    It sure is difficult to stay strong at this moment.

    Just talked to daughter in law and she said that young difficult child has been calling her from a friends phone from their apartment. She said that young difficult child desperately wanted her to come see him and that he needs a ride from her to go to court today on the domestic abuse incident.

    She also told me that young difficult child's "friend" that is there at the apartment with young has called her several times as well and said that young difficult child is suicidal and for daughter in law to come over to see him. daughter in law said she would not and that he is making choices and that if he chose to end his life it would not be her fault.

    While I agree that it would not be "her fault" I do think she should have told the "friend" that he should call 911 and have young difficult child hospitallized if he felt it was that serious.

    Interestingly enough I have not heard from young difficult child since Sat night I believe.

    On a positive note I have not seen my grandbabies in 2 weeks and daughter in law will be bringing them over around 1:30 today for me to take care of while she goes (she and young difficult child go???) to court. They bring me so much joy and happiness.

    Love to you too Julie,
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS...You are making some iffy statements in these posts. mother in law "might" have been a bit provoking of him. daughter in law should have told the friend to call 911.

    Nope...dont think that way. Its your son's issues to deal with an no one else's not even his wifes.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LMS - good for you for being supportive of daughter in law.... it sounds to me like young difficult child is trying to be very manipulative of daughter in law by having the friend call her and threaten suicide, and beg her for a ride to court. It has got to be very hard on her to deal with that manipulation and to detach... and yet it sounds like she also is doing a good job detaching. She needs to continue to do that.I think it is great that you are in touch and get to take care of the grands while she goes to court. Keep supporting her so you can keep enjoying your grandchildren. They need you in thier life and sounds like she needs your support to. I know it is very hard to support her when you also love your son..... keep thinking of the grandchildren.This is very tough stuff to face. I worry about my son being abusive too.... I know he has at least been verbally abusive to girlfriends... don't know if he has ever been physical. It really worries me as it goes against so many of my principals and the way we raised him.
  16. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    You are right...I'm not holding young difficult child completely accountable, responsible for his behavior when I bring others into the scene like that. Thank you for the Heads Up.

    Smiles...I just had the best time with my grandbabies. My granddaugher loves to play peek a boo and LOVES to climb up and down the stairs too!!! lol Grandson and I drew pics, gave picky back rides (which don't last long for this Old grandma, smile) read Dr Suess Books ate twinkies and sonic grilled cheese sandwhiches, watched the Backyardigans, etc. It was Great to see them!!!

    daughter in law and I do get along well. She may not get up early in the mornings but she is a nurturing, caregiving, mom and person. She is more like me than my oldest difficult child's girlfriend.

    Young difficult child ended up going WITH daughter in law to Court. They apparently gave him "counseling". They did not consider a poke in the eye to be serious I guess. Young difficult child also got a ride from daughter in law to a friends house. daughter in law claims that young difficult child says he wants to get a job and as daughter in law put it, "step up". She asked if we would buy him a bus pass for him to get around...I'll have to run that past husband and husband will probibly not go for it, he'll probibly want young difficult child to go to Rehab, for real (assuming he hasn't already been because we don't believe he has).
    daughter in law also told me that she and young difficult child are seperated as far as she is concerned...but she did sound hopeful. Honestly, she loves young difficult child. I know she does. With all his faults, his lies, his emotional manipulations, laziness, health problems etc...she loves him.

    daughter in law said she will likely be over in the next couple of days to bring me some pics she recently had taken of the grandbabies. I will try and share them in WC when I get them.

    Thank you all for caring and also for helping set me straight when I vere off the path.
    Hugs and love,