Don't know where difficult child is - would you search?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by judi, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. judi

    judi Active Member

    Okay, the last time we talked with difficult child was June 08. We did see him while he was driving in October. When I went over to his apartment in Nov to leave a XMas card and invite him to dinner, the apartment was empty. He has always let us know where he was. The things I do know:

    1. Per his landlord and post office, there is no forwarding address.
    2. From the manager of the building, he and his girlfriend (the mom of one of his friends, age 42) have split up and gone their separate ways.
    3. I know where the girlfriend works and called her but she wouldn't come to the phone.
    4. I know of one friend and I called his parents and left a message asking that they call me.

    So...husband and I are kinda at a loss. It might not occur to difficult child to contact us as we haven't really had a relationship in a long time and I know he blames me for his entire life's problems -lol. However, on the other hand, we love him very much and know that the lifestyle he has chosen could result in big problems. The one thing is that we have a very unusual last name and I think if something tragic happened, we could be located. We haven't moved or changed phone numbers so difficult child should be able to reach us if he wanted to.

    Any suggestions? Should we cont to search, leave things alone or what? Thanks.
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    What does you gut tell you? I think I would want to know if he was ok. If you do not want him in your life and don't want him to know that you were worried about him, you could quietly look without actually contacting him? On the other hand if his lifstyle is one that puts him at risk for violence then you may want to file a missing person's report. I'd hate to think that he could have bee seperated from his ID and be lying in a hospital somewhere as a John Doe. My son used to disappear but he was not discreet and eventually someone called to tellme what trouble he had been into or how he was sponginging off a poor family telling lies for sympathy. His whereabouts were never unknown to us for long but when he was missing we worried alot. Follow your heart and your gut. It is what worked best for me. -RM
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Judie}}} I'm sorry you're in the position of making such a difficult decision. You asked, so, yes, if it were me, I would at least want to know where he was and how he was doing. That's it. I wouldn't pry or force myself on him or even let him know I am looking for him since he obviously hasn't included you in his plans. But for my own peace of mind, I would want to at least know that he's okay as can be, for him.

    Best of luck - like RM said, go with your gut.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd go with your gut. If finding him will bring you peace of mind, then keep looking until you find him.

    When K up and left I knew I wasn't going to "chase after her". But that didn't stop me from doing internet searches from time to time to locate her. Actually, it's not very hard. Even before she reached out last summer, I'd had her MySpace addy for months. Found it during one of my internet searches. And I'd not even a reason to believe she owned a computer, let alone could afford one.

    While I might not have had an address, ect, I did have the peace of mind of 1. knowing she was alive, and 2. knowing where she was. Obviously I needed that in order to stay sane during those 6 yrs, because I kept checking. The rest I left up to her.

  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I think I would look but not let him know. I would want to know if he was alive---but it doesn't sound like much has changed and you need to keep yourself (and your heart) detached.
  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I wish I had a dime for every time I had to ask that very same question!!! My daughter was just missing for a month. I did not actually go out and comb the streets for her (this time) but I did file a missing persons report. Different situation, my daughter is only 17. But I soon will be in your situation as she will be 18 in one month. She, no doubt will take off and I will be in your shoes. I will be here on the boards asking the very same question!!!

    I agree with Dasiylover, go with your instincts. You have to do what will make you feel better. Whatever that means for you. Maybe you can file the report without searching yourself. Or if you would feel better by going out and looking yourself that would be fine too. Do whatever you need to so that you can sleep at night.

    Try to detach as much as possible.

    Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    If you really want to know where he is or what he is doing, I would "steel" yourself for the worst possible news.......then when and if you find out anything you are mentally prepared...... If he is no longer in contact I would imagine things are not going well for him...... We have always found when our difficult child is having a good period in his life he is happy to communicate, showing us he can "make it on his own"....... when times are not so good we won't hear a word from him....... in our case no news is usually bad news......

    If you really want to know ask around, maybe leaving a message with girlfriend that you just want to know if he is alive?
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2009
  8. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Awww Judi - I'm sorry your kid is so thoughtless. I don't know how/why they turn out that way, but... I'm expecting to be in your shoes shortly.

    I think you do have to follow your gut. If you need to know, then absolutely look.

    I can't say for sure, but I don't think in thank you's case I would. Heck, I don't even get real assertive in keeping tabs on him now. I know what he's doing (bad stuff), know what he isn't doing (good stuff) - most of the time, none of the adults in his life have a clue of where he is. But I don't actually need confirmation.

    I guess for me, and this is just my opinion, I don't want to know because there's not a doggone thing I can do about it other than make myself ill with worry, and then the entire family suffers because when I'm nuts they have to live with me.

    Of course, it would be nice if your kiddo is employed, housed, and getting his life straight. If my kid managed that then I might like to know - but... well, you know.
  9. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Search for him online. I would just hate not to know where my children are living. It will always be bothering me somewhere in my mind.

    Does he have a myspace, linked-in or a facebook address you can search for?

    What about his old friends? Do any of them have him on a social network?

    In 2009 you always leave a trace? You cannot stay hidden for months.
  10. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thank you everyone. You all pretty much confirmed what I thought: sometimes no news is good news.

    Out of the blue today, the mother of one his friends (also a difficult child) called me and said that her son was with my son now. She gave me her son's phone number but as of right now, I won't call. Also, she said that she saw our son about three months ago and he was working and doing okay - living with another roommate in the same city where he has been. So...I guess for now, we are back to status quo.

    I love him but on the other hand, when he comes around, it has always been so chaotic and stressful, I'm happy if he is happy living elsewhere. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. I do hope to someday have a relationship with him but who knows what the future will bring.

    Thanks again.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Maybe something simple - through his friend? Just a note or a gift card that says "We love you"?

    I dunno - I'm kinda with SLSH on this because I know at any minute Dude could be just gone/disappear and I'd never see him again. For a long time he also blamed me for everything wrong in his life. As he gets older for us and our relationship it is better or healing in parts. When he's here at our home for a visit it is also chaotic. No matter how short a time - chaos. That too has improved over the last year.

    I left him go hoping he'd come back, and he has --not to the degree that I would like to have, but I'll take anything I can get until I get tired of taking scraps and then when I'm done? I'm done.

    Hugs - I know how thoughtless they can be....I'd like to think it's more absentmindedness....(that heals the hurts)

  12. judi

    judi Active Member

    I agree - much of it is thoughtlessness. My son doesn't even think of anyone but himself. His friend's mom was very nice - she didn't even have to return my call - we've only ever spoken twice in the last 7 years. However, her son is also a difficult child to a certain extent and I know she has been thru some hard times with him too.

    It is what it least we know he is safe and that is the most important thing.
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Judi, I'm sorry to be coming in late. I'm so glad you found out he's okay. That's what would be important to me. There were many times when we didn't know where Rob was specifically but, thank God, we knew someone could contact him if need be through his girl friend.

    Those were very difficult years. Hugs.

  14. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks Suz. After talking with husband tonight, we have decided to just leave things as they are...we have a roundabout way to get in touch with him if we have to. So...back to square one.