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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 405692" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Zeph. I love your avatar - it is beautiful.</p><p></p><p>You are definitely in the right place. Others here have been where you are, there is help. A lot of the people here are in the US, but not all of us. You would not be the only UK person.</p><p></p><p>A few questions - you say your ex's new wife is trying to erase difficult child from his life. How do you know this? Unless you hear it from her, I would not trust the information. </p><p>How old is your daughter? She sounds like she's being put through the wringer, as are you.</p><p></p><p>Some warning signs I see, that I think you haven't recognised - his behaviour starts when he wakes, he is wakeful at night and a restless sleeper, he is very demanding, he is aggressive and violent. All these could be because of his father but I'm not so sure, once you mentioned the final clue - he is very bright and doing well in school, especially in reading/writing. That set off my alarm bells big time, but hopefully in a good way for you. That described my difficult child 3 - and he is NOT the product of a broken home with a violent alcoholic father. Not in any way. But we had the same stuff from him.</p><p></p><p>What I want you to do - </p><p></p><p>1) Look up "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's already been suggested to you.</p><p></p><p>2) Look up Asperger's Syndrome, hyperlexia, ADHD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). If you go to <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a>, you can find a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire there. It can't be used to formally diagnose, but run the test, print it out regardless of the results, and take it to the GP. Keep a copy at home, you may want to refer to it in five years' time.</p><p></p><p>3) Get your son to a neuropsychologist assessment. You will need a referral from your GP, you might have to fight for it if the GP is too ready to blame childhood trauma and a violent father. But while that may be an aggravating factor, I think your son has something else underlying it all.</p><p></p><p>If an underlying condition similar to the ones I mentioned does get diagnosed, that will be very good news. it is manageable and in fact can work out in the long run to be good news. </p><p></p><p>I do feel that counselling of some sort is needed, for all of you. It can also help set the wheels in motion for more formal help.</p><p></p><p>I do wonder about the dad - some people become alcoholics because they self-medicate for something or other. Or they're trying to damp down extreme emotions such as panic, anxiety, anger, fear, self-loathing... </p><p></p><p>I remember the huge problems we had with difficult child 3 when he was tiny. He was too little to be able to deal with his own frustration and anger, and it would flare up big time and violence would break out. As he became more skilled at expressing himself, and we became more skilled at managing him, he was easier to manage. But we had problems at school with other kids who used to deliberately try to upset him in order to make him explode - it was fun for them to do this. It was abusive and set him up for some very bad experiences and taught him some bad behaviours.</p><p></p><p>I used to keep a communication book, it travelled between home and school. I would write in it anything relevant ("He didn't sleep well last night and was unsettled this morning. Be aware, he will probably have a shorter fuse today, you might need to send him to his quiet space more readily than usual") and the teacher would also write about his day, or respond.</p><p>Yesterday I caught difficult child 3 reading over an old communication book from when he was 8 years old. I asked him why - he said he was remembering. I asked if it was a good memory or a bad memory, he said, "Both." I haven't had the chance to double-check what specifically he was reading, but I suspect it was a bad period where he kept getting put on detention for behaviour caused by other kids. There were also incidents where difficult child 3 reported being bullied, but the teacher, after interviewing the bullies who all said, "We didn't do it, we weren't there - see, we can all vouch for one another being somewhere else," the teacher told difficult child 3 that because of his autism, he didn't always observe events accurately. This was so wrong on so many levels - a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid can often report MORE accurately. But it meant that difficult child 3 came home and said, "Mr S said I must have misunderstood or seen it wrong. But I could have sworn that I didn't just fall over while by myself; I was so sure I saw Jim stick his foot out to trip me over."</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 is now 17. In some ways he is a 10 yo. In other ways he is an adult. Intellectually he is a genius. Socially he is a little kid. But from what you describe of your son, IF your son has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), it would not be as severe as difficult child 3's. That is also good news for you.</p><p></p><p>Check it out. There could be a lot more you could do, to improve your life fairly quickly. Further improvement takes a bit longer, but two things can rapidly bring improvement:</p><p></p><p>1) medications (if appropriate). While medications are claimed to be over-rescribed, for some kids they are as vital as insulin to a diabetic.</p><p></p><p>2) Simply knowing there is a diagnosis, can help a kid, especially a bright kid, calm their behaviour. "It's not my fault after all."</p><p></p><p>We saw this with difficult child 1. Not with difficult child 3 (although the medications caused massive improvement fast). difficult child 3 was not able to be told his diagnosis until he was old enough to comprehend; he was diagnosed tentatively when he was 3, more formally when he was 4, and was still mostly non-verbal at the time. If I had written it down he would have understood better, but although he was reading fluently at 4, he did not have the understanding to go with it.</p><p></p><p>What is your son like as a mimic? Also, does he tell complex lies? By this I mean, does he, if challenged as to why he didn't do his homework, make up a complex story about a UFO flying down and the aliens getting out and wanting to take his homework back to their home planet as a sample of what Earth children can do? Or will he go for a simple lie, such as "I did do it? But I spilled something on it and had to throw it away!" Especially if it is a lie he has heard someone else tell.</p><p></p><p>Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids can lie, if they are simple lies. Over time as they mature, some can learn to tell complex lies. But they tend to be bad at lying, and over time most learn that truth is easier.</p><p></p><p>High IQ and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) sometimes go together. SImilarly, ADHD is also linked. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, welcome. Sorry you need us, I hope we've given you some help. Let us know how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 405692, member: 1991"] Welcome, Zeph. I love your avatar - it is beautiful. You are definitely in the right place. Others here have been where you are, there is help. A lot of the people here are in the US, but not all of us. You would not be the only UK person. A few questions - you say your ex's new wife is trying to erase difficult child from his life. How do you know this? Unless you hear it from her, I would not trust the information. How old is your daughter? She sounds like she's being put through the wringer, as are you. Some warning signs I see, that I think you haven't recognised - his behaviour starts when he wakes, he is wakeful at night and a restless sleeper, he is very demanding, he is aggressive and violent. All these could be because of his father but I'm not so sure, once you mentioned the final clue - he is very bright and doing well in school, especially in reading/writing. That set off my alarm bells big time, but hopefully in a good way for you. That described my difficult child 3 - and he is NOT the product of a broken home with a violent alcoholic father. Not in any way. But we had the same stuff from him. What I want you to do - 1) Look up "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's already been suggested to you. 2) Look up Asperger's Syndrome, hyperlexia, ADHD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). If you go to [url]www.childbrain.com[/url], you can find a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire there. It can't be used to formally diagnose, but run the test, print it out regardless of the results, and take it to the GP. Keep a copy at home, you may want to refer to it in five years' time. 3) Get your son to a neuropsychologist assessment. You will need a referral from your GP, you might have to fight for it if the GP is too ready to blame childhood trauma and a violent father. But while that may be an aggravating factor, I think your son has something else underlying it all. If an underlying condition similar to the ones I mentioned does get diagnosed, that will be very good news. it is manageable and in fact can work out in the long run to be good news. I do feel that counselling of some sort is needed, for all of you. It can also help set the wheels in motion for more formal help. I do wonder about the dad - some people become alcoholics because they self-medicate for something or other. Or they're trying to damp down extreme emotions such as panic, anxiety, anger, fear, self-loathing... I remember the huge problems we had with difficult child 3 when he was tiny. He was too little to be able to deal with his own frustration and anger, and it would flare up big time and violence would break out. As he became more skilled at expressing himself, and we became more skilled at managing him, he was easier to manage. But we had problems at school with other kids who used to deliberately try to upset him in order to make him explode - it was fun for them to do this. It was abusive and set him up for some very bad experiences and taught him some bad behaviours. I used to keep a communication book, it travelled between home and school. I would write in it anything relevant ("He didn't sleep well last night and was unsettled this morning. Be aware, he will probably have a shorter fuse today, you might need to send him to his quiet space more readily than usual") and the teacher would also write about his day, or respond. Yesterday I caught difficult child 3 reading over an old communication book from when he was 8 years old. I asked him why - he said he was remembering. I asked if it was a good memory or a bad memory, he said, "Both." I haven't had the chance to double-check what specifically he was reading, but I suspect it was a bad period where he kept getting put on detention for behaviour caused by other kids. There were also incidents where difficult child 3 reported being bullied, but the teacher, after interviewing the bullies who all said, "We didn't do it, we weren't there - see, we can all vouch for one another being somewhere else," the teacher told difficult child 3 that because of his autism, he didn't always observe events accurately. This was so wrong on so many levels - a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid can often report MORE accurately. But it meant that difficult child 3 came home and said, "Mr S said I must have misunderstood or seen it wrong. But I could have sworn that I didn't just fall over while by myself; I was so sure I saw Jim stick his foot out to trip me over." difficult child 3 is now 17. In some ways he is a 10 yo. In other ways he is an adult. Intellectually he is a genius. Socially he is a little kid. But from what you describe of your son, IF your son has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), it would not be as severe as difficult child 3's. That is also good news for you. Check it out. There could be a lot more you could do, to improve your life fairly quickly. Further improvement takes a bit longer, but two things can rapidly bring improvement: 1) medications (if appropriate). While medications are claimed to be over-rescribed, for some kids they are as vital as insulin to a diabetic. 2) Simply knowing there is a diagnosis, can help a kid, especially a bright kid, calm their behaviour. "It's not my fault after all." We saw this with difficult child 1. Not with difficult child 3 (although the medications caused massive improvement fast). difficult child 3 was not able to be told his diagnosis until he was old enough to comprehend; he was diagnosed tentatively when he was 3, more formally when he was 4, and was still mostly non-verbal at the time. If I had written it down he would have understood better, but although he was reading fluently at 4, he did not have the understanding to go with it. What is your son like as a mimic? Also, does he tell complex lies? By this I mean, does he, if challenged as to why he didn't do his homework, make up a complex story about a UFO flying down and the aliens getting out and wanting to take his homework back to their home planet as a sample of what Earth children can do? Or will he go for a simple lie, such as "I did do it? But I spilled something on it and had to throw it away!" Especially if it is a lie he has heard someone else tell. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids can lie, if they are simple lies. Over time as they mature, some can learn to tell complex lies. But they tend to be bad at lying, and over time most learn that truth is easier. High IQ and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) sometimes go together. SImilarly, ADHD is also linked. Anyway, welcome. Sorry you need us, I hope we've given you some help. Let us know how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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