Don't know which way to go, could use some advice..............

[Star*]

RA -

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not a writer. I'm really...I just don't even know at this point. I was a secretary, got bumped for someone 1/2 my age and 1/2 my weight (although he was SO kind and said it was due to TOUGH times and let go from my bookkeeping job) then got a CDL clas A trucker license - got all the endorsements, went to work for Goodwill - and because I was an honest, hard working employee and actually did my job? I peeved a certain manager off from her cushy, do-nothing lifestyle so she set me up, and again because I was honest? I got canned. I feel some days as though I just should be a dreg of humanity and perhaps change my luck. So for now? I'm an unemployed newbie 18 wheeler/25 year career secretary unemployed, stressed out Mother of 3, 2 alive - with a wonderful support board, and a fiance who was a biker, is now a disabled man, with a broken back, 1 bad knee, 1 recently replaced knee - going deaf, was going blind but recently had cataract surgery, and has a great sense of humor but is dirt poor, and worried that we're going to end up on skid row. (lemme think...) oh and I have 2 dogs, he has 1 dog.....I took in my sons dog when he moved, and then we took in the neighbors dog because they beat and starved it and I wish she would find a home because I'm poorer than dirt. But evertime I look at Ol' Einstein (probably the first dog to EVER have serious mental retardation and ADHD AND be somewhere on the spectrum) I just can't break my promise to get her a good home - mostly because she got demodectic mange - and well - we're treating that for the third time. My fun just never ends. (throws confetti) And if I were able to tell you about my son? Oh I'd probably be either what did you call it? Tweakin? - or smoking crack if I didn't have a will made of tungsten steel and the tenacity of a pit bull. Cute lil buggers.

On a bright note? I'm glad you got your porch back. I keep thinking of the Beatles song - Here comes the sun - Do da du da ....Here comes the sun and I fell ALRIGHT ------(musical interlude).......

You know the other day I had a similar discussion about stress with my Mom. I actually don't know that it wasn't more of a dump session than a conversation - but for posterity sake? I'll call it a conversation. Mostly because she gets upset when I do not call her and talk to her. I know she's lonely, and I miss her but sometimes? I hate myself after I do a dump call. I want to duct tape my mouth after super gluing it - and downing a bottle and 1/2 of allum. You know - just hi - yup.....good good good - should be allthat comes out of the pie hole. Then bye. But it didn't.....and I went on and on and on .......and ad nauseum. I believe if I would have had a web cam phone she probably would have pointed it at her calendar or something cheerful rather than her face so I couldn't see her making those Motherly faces I envisioned her making. Kinda like the ones I'm making right now - sitting in my office with my window open for fresh air while DF's cigarette smoke WAFTS through to my nose and gags me.....(shuts window). Exhales - HONESTLY - I'm so tired of everyones excuses for "stress". Especially when I come here, and I listen to how all the women (and men) handle things and keep on going. In the back of my mind - I think - OMG -----WHERE MERE MORTALS fear to tread - or picture one of those Jason and the Argonat movies where Zeus and the other Greek Gods are looking down from Mt. Olympus on their chess board and moving the players as if we're pieces in a game - and I'm the toughest survivor. I swear I want someone to stick me on that island game show - I'd LOVE IT - OMG I think I would PAY THEM - THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR THE FLIPPIN vacation. THIS is what you call hard? PSHAW....This is heaven.....no kids, no old man........no job, no witchey co workers......no bills to pay.....just a tropical beach, some bugs, and sun? HELL YEAH. BRing it boy. You call this tough? There should be a game show where THOSE people have to deal with a mentally ill daughter who lives on your back porch in a tent, brings around tweakers, and has a carfull of cats, andyou get tokens - for making right decisions with HER to be able to call the locksmith to open the car and feed and water the cats, and not get fined by the HOA for having an abandoned unlicensed vehicle in your yard. NOW THAT would be reality TV. Oh and when you leave on vacation - find someone to police your house. (slaps face -------that's life). And do it all while you hold down a job, make three meals, tend to a husband, keep a clean home, talk to your other children....shop for groceries, get to work,,,,hahahah.

My other point here was while I was dumping to my mom? I said - FINALLY - after how many years......I'm sorry but TODAY MY SORROW is greater than my sons and I am shutting my telephone off ---and for ONCE in my life I feel MORE SORRY FOR ME.......than I do for him. And my Mother said "FINALLY." One word....that was it. So when I did get off the phone with her? I did turn off my phone, I did have supper, I did unplug the house phone, I DID take a sleeping pill.....I did go to bed at 8:30.......and I slept like the dead. Just for once. And you know what? RA?????? The world did NOT fall apart....it kept revolving around my SON ----I'm sure..but I got one night to recharge my batteries.....and just not think. ABOUT ANYTHING. I even watched TV. I watched something stupid.....and laughed. I had a cookie.....and I thought of you....and everyone else like I do before I eat - I pray a lot for all of us here and our kids - always. It's nothing outrageous.....but just this one night? I did something without thinking about anyone else but me...afterwards...and nothing happened.

So when I say - GO on vacation - I mean - DO NOT worry about the house......because what ever is going to happen - WILL whether you are there or not......and you'll just have to fix it when you get home. IN THE MEAN TIME? ENJOY THE TIME AWAY AND MENTALLY STAY AWAY. ORDER YOURSELF to go.....order yourself to have a good time.

ORDER YOURSELF TO THINK OF NO ONE BUT YOURSELF AND S/O.....and REALLY STICK TO IT. NO thoughts of cats, or what am I going to do when I get back - because you know what? Same **** will be there when you get back - and you can deal with it then.

Get the police to drive by -------tell neighbors you're leaving and NO ONE but X is supposed to be there - description of car and LICENSE - and person -----ANYONE ELSE? CALL.THE POLICE - period.

GET YOUR MAIL STOPPED - go get the little card. DO IT NOW......and set the date.....

STOP THE PAPER -

GET TIMERS FOR THE LIGHTS.......and put them in different rooms...........

INSTALL MOTION DETECTOR LIGHTS NOW.........

IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT? HAVE a nanny cam installed that links to your Iphone - and you can watch your house from your phone - but that kinda defeats your leave home at home thing.

Just thoughts -------but mostly

TAKE CARE OF YOU.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Star, you brought tears to my eyes. Your words really hit home. I used to be quite resentful of "normal" people whining about their "stressful" lives, thinking, "you have no freaking idea what stress is." I'd have imaginary conversations with them in my head (ha) where I spewed my laundry list of problems (what? you're stressed and freaking out because your kid is getting tubes in his ears/fell down and scraped his knee/is sick with a cold and you're missing a day of work? How about visiting two kids who are on different floors of the same psychiatric hospital at the same time (one in adult unit, one in adolescent unit)? How about having your daughter overdose three times and having to leave work for *that* phone call? How about sitting through nine (count em nine) of your other daughter's abdominal surgeries, usually all by your dang self in the waiting room? How about going from your daughter's surgery at one hospital, to your mother's deathbed at the other (alone again, I might add)? And having to worry about losing your job for all the work you're missing and no other income to back you up because you're a single parent?" etc etc). I tend to let it go more than I used to, but this stirred up some memories. Whew

RE, I wish I had answers for you. I've struggled with the "but she's mentally ill" thing too, and where the line is between helping and enabling. Mostly, I've pushed away from helping, despite what I sometimes perceive as an "inability" for my Youngest in particular to live her life in a productive manner (complicated by the fact she has kids). She's not totally incapable, she just makes really poor decisions. I've stepped back from many situations where other parents probably would have jumped in, simply because despite whatever mental issues she's dealing with (and not getting treated for), she has to learn how to live without my help, somehow. I won't be here forever. I see small improvements, although some of it is just because she's found someone else to be dependent upon (her latest boyfriend, who I have a feeling will be her fiance any day now). But I couldn't take the stress of it any longer, and I deserve to live my life withOUT that stress. You do, too, and so does your granddaughter.

Hugs. ENJOY your vacation. You've earned it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Star, I am awed by your life story, I am amazed by your strength, I am humbled by your compassion for others and I am honored that you respond to me! It makes me think that with all your trials and tribulations, you have stayed intact, and used your experience to help me and others on this board. You consistently give good advice and support to us. You are a gift to us, as you are to your fiancee, your kids, your dogs, your sons's dog, your neighbors dog, and on it goes.

I can't imagine how difficult all that you've gone through has been. And, yet you've made it though with dignity, grace and humor. Wow.

I am so happy you got a good nights sleep. I hope you do that way more often, because OMG, if anyone deserve's that and so much more it would be you!! God bless you Star, I am sending your truckloads of hugs and love.

PS/ I will do everything you said, makes perfect sense to me. Thank you!

 

[InsaneCdn]

GET YOUR MAIL STOPPED - go get the little card. DO IT NOW......and set the date.....

STOP THE PAPER -

GET TIMERS FOR THE LIGHTS.......and put them in different rooms...........

Oh, and... get a timer for a RADIO. Not the TV - it looks strange to have the TV on and nobody watching it. But the radio... can easily be on in one room, and the person somewhere else. Don't leave it on all day (unless that would be your normal pattern)... but say, a breakfast program, something mid-morning, early afternoon, evening... off and on.

And those timers... it IS worth it to get the ones that have a "random" feature... you set the time as, say, 7m "plus random"... which means the light will come on some time between 6:45 and 7:15... no human on earth can put the light on at exactly 7PM. This mimics human behavior, in case the place is being watched.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Crazy, another remarkable story of courage, strength and resilience, I am sorry for all the pain you've endured and feel so bad that you had to do it alone. And, like Star you have compassion and caring left for me and for others here. Amazing.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I understand exactly how you feel and the choices you've made. I'm learning too.

 

[DammitJanet]

RE...I know I havent responded much to you because my life has been a bit well...over hectic in the past several months and I have let my duties here lag a bit. That really is not right of me. I have been reading your posts though and it has been just pretty hard for me to find the words that I thought were going to help you because your daughter is older than most of ours but really that shouldnt matter. Suddenly while reading this post it dawned on me why your posts have struck such a chord with me and why I have struggled with them. I see myself as your daughter.

Once I left home on July 15th 1983, I was never, ever allowed to go home again. I could have been dying and neither of my parents would have helped me. My dad did help with small things over the years after he figured out I was becoming more responsible but in my twenties and even early 30's, he never sent me a dime. He would send me clothes for the kids, he gave me a car he would only get $500 on a trade in, and then one time I borrowed money and paid it back and we started to trust each other again.

None of us knew I had mental illnesses as a child. None of us talked about the abuse that happened to me. In the last 20 years or so we got really close. Well my dad and I did even though we never talked about anything that ever happened to me. I know he wanted to divorce my mom when I was a toddler and take me away but the courts would have never allowed that back then. My life would have been so much better I think. My dad died a year ago but we never talked about anything that could have possibly been wrong in life. As far as I told him, my life was peachy keen.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thank you Janet, I appreciate your willingness to share your story. My difficult child is at my house right now trying to gather her things to remove her car and cats from my driveway. It's taken her 4 hours to do 2 things it would take another person 15 minutes to do. After attending the Mental Illness class on Tuesday, I am acutely aware of my difficult child's lack of competency. It is what it is. I think in accepting that, I am in a better place myself. I know what I am dealing with.

I read your story and it hurts my heart for the young woman you were who was out on her own with no family to help her. I am so sorry. Actually your story made an impression on me just as I was in the middle of this day with my difficult child. I realized I do not want to totally disconnect with her, I want to find a way to be present but not tied up in the chaos. I think I'm doing that today, and I'm not upset or angry nor do I have any negative feelings, I'm just doing what is in front of me and what feels right. Right now, that's as good as it gets!

I've learned a lot lately and today I am helping her in limited ways. I am paying for her license and the lapsed insurance so she can drive without concern for being picked up and sent back to jail. I am helping her stay on task and organize and prioritize. I am taking her to the chiropractor so she can have some relief from the constant pain she is in with sciatica and related issues. I can do all of this without resentment and knowing it is a tiny help in a huge chaotic mess called her life. But it is something. And, it's all I'm willing to do. She will not get rid of the cats and she will not get help for her mental issues. Nothing I can do about that.

What I know now, that I didn't know before was how to navigate my own boundaries to allow in what I can deal with and keep the rest out. I now know that I cannot be around her a lot. As everyone says, it's almost impossible to detach when they are right there. I have figured out, finally, what I can do willingly with loving kindness, and what I will/cannot do because it is enabling. So, I can move in and out a lot more easily, it is not an either/or thing where I have to completely throw her overboard or be enmeshed in her chaos, I can navigate in between to the degree that I am comfortable. I am doing this right now as I write this.

I asked her a bunch of questions and found out what is on her plate. I can't solve the homelessness, the cats, the job, etc. but I can give her a little peace of mind with some small stuff which is not a hardship for me. I've never known how to do that before, I used to vacillate between completely disengaging and being enmeshed. I think this is the closest I have come to detachment. I feel ok. I am not angry at her, I know her limitations and I can be patient with them.

Hopefully, once she drives off today, and that is her intention, to take the car with the cats and drive it to a friends, I will be ok, I will know that I did what I could and let the rest go. Hopefully. The jury is still out.

 

[DammitJanet]

That sounds really good. I got pretty lucky. I got away from my very abusive mom when I met Tony in 83. He helped me turn my life around and even though our life has been really hard with the boys and my own issues, we have been fairly happy overall. (well until this past three months!) Once I got dxd I really have been doing better. I wish I had known so much earlier but I guess that wasnt to be.