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Don't know which way to go, could use some advice..............
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 513645" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you Janet, I appreciate your willingness to share your story. My difficult child is at my house right now trying to gather her things to remove her car and cats from my driveway. It's taken her 4 hours to do 2 things it would take another person 15 minutes to do. After attending the Mental Illness class on Tuesday, I am acutely aware of my difficult child's lack of competency. It is what it is. I think in accepting that, I am in a better place myself. I know what I am dealing with. </p><p></p><p>I read your story and it hurts my heart for the young woman you were who was out on her own with no family to help her. I am so sorry. Actually your story made an impression on me just as I was in the middle of this day with my difficult child. I realized I do not want to totally disconnect with her, I want to find a way to be present but not tied up in the chaos. I think I'm doing that today, and I'm not upset or angry nor do I have any negative feelings, I'm just doing what is in front of me and what feels right. Right now, that's as good as it gets!</p><p></p><p>I've learned a lot lately and today I am helping her in limited ways. I am paying for her license and the lapsed insurance so she can drive without concern for being picked up and sent back to jail. I am helping her stay on task and organize and prioritize. I am taking her to the chiropractor so she can have some relief from the constant pain she is in with sciatica and related issues. I can do all of this without resentment and knowing it is a tiny help in a huge chaotic mess called her life. But it is something. And, it's all I'm willing to do. She will not get rid of the cats and she will not get help for her mental issues. Nothing I can do about that.</p><p></p><p>What I know now, that I didn't know before was how to navigate my own boundaries to allow in what I can deal with and keep the rest out. I now know that I cannot be around her a lot. As everyone says, it's almost impossible to detach when they are right there. I have figured out, finally, what I can do willingly with loving kindness, and what I will/cannot do because it is enabling. So, I can move in and out a lot more easily, it is not an either/or thing where I have to completely throw her overboard <u>or</u> be enmeshed in her chaos, I can navigate in between to the degree that I am comfortable. I am doing this right now as I write this. </p><p></p><p>I asked her a bunch of questions and found out what is on her plate. I can't solve the homelessness, the cats, the job, etc. but I can give her a little peace of mind with some small stuff which is not a hardship for me. I've never known how to do that before, I used to vacillate between completely disengaging and being enmeshed. I think this is the closest I have come to detachment. I feel ok. I am not angry at her, I know her limitations and I can be patient with them. </p><p></p><p>Hopefully, once she drives off today, and that is her intention, to take the car with the cats and drive it to a friends, I will be ok, I will know that I did what I could and let the rest go. Hopefully. The jury is still out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 513645, member: 13542"] Thank you Janet, I appreciate your willingness to share your story. My difficult child is at my house right now trying to gather her things to remove her car and cats from my driveway. It's taken her 4 hours to do 2 things it would take another person 15 minutes to do. After attending the Mental Illness class on Tuesday, I am acutely aware of my difficult child's lack of competency. It is what it is. I think in accepting that, I am in a better place myself. I know what I am dealing with. I read your story and it hurts my heart for the young woman you were who was out on her own with no family to help her. I am so sorry. Actually your story made an impression on me just as I was in the middle of this day with my difficult child. I realized I do not want to totally disconnect with her, I want to find a way to be present but not tied up in the chaos. I think I'm doing that today, and I'm not upset or angry nor do I have any negative feelings, I'm just doing what is in front of me and what feels right. Right now, that's as good as it gets! I've learned a lot lately and today I am helping her in limited ways. I am paying for her license and the lapsed insurance so she can drive without concern for being picked up and sent back to jail. I am helping her stay on task and organize and prioritize. I am taking her to the chiropractor so she can have some relief from the constant pain she is in with sciatica and related issues. I can do all of this without resentment and knowing it is a tiny help in a huge chaotic mess called her life. But it is something. And, it's all I'm willing to do. She will not get rid of the cats and she will not get help for her mental issues. Nothing I can do about that. What I know now, that I didn't know before was how to navigate my own boundaries to allow in what I can deal with and keep the rest out. I now know that I cannot be around her a lot. As everyone says, it's almost impossible to detach when they are right there. I have figured out, finally, what I can do willingly with loving kindness, and what I will/cannot do because it is enabling. So, I can move in and out a lot more easily, it is not an either/or thing where I have to completely throw her overboard [U]or[/U] be enmeshed in her chaos, I can navigate in between to the degree that I am comfortable. I am doing this right now as I write this. I asked her a bunch of questions and found out what is on her plate. I can't solve the homelessness, the cats, the job, etc. but I can give her a little peace of mind with some small stuff which is not a hardship for me. I've never known how to do that before, I used to vacillate between completely disengaging and being enmeshed. I think this is the closest I have come to detachment. I feel ok. I am not angry at her, I know her limitations and I can be patient with them. Hopefully, once she drives off today, and that is her intention, to take the car with the cats and drive it to a friends, I will be ok, I will know that I did what I could and let the rest go. Hopefully. The jury is still out. [/QUOTE]
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