dont know which way to turn

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amy1129, Sep 26, 2011.

  1. amy1129

    amy1129 New Member

    Hi all...I have been away from the boards for awhile I was driving myself insane reading and reading and reading.

    I am back but I am going in circles. difficult child was evaluated in Aug and I waited for a few weeks for the written report. Finally got that and I read it maybe 5 times between the tears and the medical terminology, it took me a few times to comprehend it all.

    i am still not sure where I stand. In the recommendation section, it suggested telling the school, suggested getting another therapist, one that prescribes medications. It said alot of "he shows signs consistant with....." so does that mean he has X? I dont think this psychiatrist is technically diagnosing him with ADHD-combined type, but he has signs consistant with ADHD-combined type. He shows signs of being clinically depressed (on the signifiacant side), does that mean he is diagnosed as being depressed? ETC. He also shows signs of anxiety, his mood appeared dysthymic, weakness in visual closure skills and weak planning, poor expressive and receptive communication skills....and so on.

    There are 2 sentences that I struggle to accept..1-....findings indicate that difficult child is currently struggling with a mental illness as well as adhd and 2-....currently experiencing significant symptomology who is at considerable risk for further decline unless supports are increased to address difficulties.
    What mental illness do you think he has?

    I dont know why those 2 comments bother me so.

    My parents think this report is a crock of :censored2:, that he stops his antics when he "pulls" this with them. that he is not depressed, he wouldnt be acting out if he was depressed.

    husband wont even read the report, he so doesnt agree now, he thinks difficult child needs to be strongly disciplined and that we are wasting too much time on him and he knows it.

    I mentioned this to the school psychiatrist because my easy child is being tested through the school for a learning disability and they wanted to see the report to see if there is anything that may be affecting easy child. husband and my parents and upset with me for telling the school. UGH I am spinning and not sure I can stop.

    Meeting with social worker tomorrow so she can try and help me decide what and where I want to go next.

    thanks for letting me vent.
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    depression = mental illness
    anxiety = mental illness

    I realize it is hard to digest this when you haven't really thought about it that way, but yes, BOTH of these are indeed illnesses.

    . This one is simple, and the best one to bring to family and husband IF you decide to continue to try and "convince" them of these very real illnesses. This statement means that if he doesn't get help NOW he will only get worse. Analogy time: He was just diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. You can start insulin treatment now or you can "just wait and see". Put into those terms, it's a no brainer.

    I'm so sorry that your family is not more supportive of difficult child, but you need to stay focused on what difficult child needs, not what anyone else (unfortunately including his father) *thinks* Here's another analogy, albeit a pretty lame one. I *think* the sky is brown. I can *think* that all I want, but it doesn't make it true. in my opinion several professioanls are stating that something is amiss (you as mom being one of those professionals) That is the reality of things and family and husband can say otherwise all they want, but their sayings will not change anything.

    If husband *thinks* he is so right, have him take 2 weeks off of work and be the full time parent. You can pack your bags and take a much needed vacay, even if it's just at a friend's house. This may not change his thinking 100%, but he will have a greater respect for what you go through and be more "agreeable" to what you say goes as far as difficult child.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow, not a very parent friendly report. Saying "consistent with" simply borrows words from the test materials and makes it so no one is locked in to something if in future you find out it is something different. But still, those are the results for now on those days for this particular assessment. In my experience it has been common for families to be divided over these issues, including in my family so I do understand. You do have a choice to share the info with the school or not to. You can even decide to wait until they have completed all of their testing and worked with him for a while before you decide to share so they are not colored by the results if that feels right to you. You can share as much or as little as you like and if it was me, I would not sign any blanket releases of information to anyone until I was secure in my decision. If you did, you have the right to revoke it at any time.
    Please dont feel badly for any decisions you have made no matter what the others in your family are saying. Maybe they are at a different place in grieving/accepting what is going on but you are the leader it seems. Any issue will get worse if not treated even kids kids with typical developmental issues so that is a statement that is used often to get help for the person. Sometimes I have hated what I have seen in reports (one even said that he didn't think that my son could be raised in my home given the current situation--boy did I take that personally--in the end that is what got us top dollar support to have IN home service so I just let it ride. Now, no one who works with him would ever think of his going even to residential at present but we are glad the statement was made). In the end we need reports, testing etc. to get services but nothing anyone says ever changes who our child really is. They are not their illnesses, labels, diagnoses, they are our children. Those things are tools to get the best services and inteventions we can get for them, in my humble opinion. It is so very painful to have confirmed what we suspect when there is an issue and my heart breaks for you. You sound like you are doing all the right steps and please know there are people who get it.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Who exactly did the evaluation?
    If its a psychologist, for example, they can do all sorts of testing but not most the dxes... for that, they would expect a psychiatrist to pick up where they left of, confirm whatever needs to be confirmed, and deal with both dxes and medications.

    In which case, you need to be asking this doctor... where you need to go with this, next.
    Obviously, the recommendations are recognizing that "something" has to be done... so, precisely what are the next steps?
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm not a big fan of school evaluations. Or school psychologists. I prefer independent evalus. Any chance you can get one to see if there is agreement? My private evaluations were always much better and more intensive than school evaluations. I got a lot more out of them.
    I know the price of a school evaluation is nice, but ya get what ya pay for. I'd see a neuropsychologist who was private. JMO
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    First of all honey many big hugs to've been through the wringer and need them. Second, the evaluation is just that...testing, testing, testing.

    Third: call the evaluating professional and ask them to have a sit down with yourself and hopefully your husband, so that you're not walking away reeling. Ask a lot of questions...the easiest way to do that is to make a copy of the documentation and write all over it, highlight the stuff you don't understand, and question away. It would be ludacris to think that you could digest all of that!

    Slow and steady, hon. Slow and steady won the race. Don't cry over it (unless that proves to make you feel better) and if you do, allow yourself to release all of it.

    Signs of mental illness is a generic reality, if he's depressed - he's already got mental illness! Not just signs! And as far as the $2.00 analysis provided by family that says "he's not depressed because he's acting like this" - they're wrong. Depression manifests differently in children than adults (ordinarily - there are exceptions to EVERY rule!).

    Here's why you can't beat yourself up over this: you're doing everything you can to help him. Plain and simple - you've chosen not to bury your head in the sand and to be proactive. Warrior Mom!

    Since your easy child is being tested for learning disabilities, you might want to have your difficult child tested as well. It's not uncommon to have more than one child with issues. Who knows? He could turn out to have NonVerbal Learning Disorder - that can be worked with via a different way of teaching and cognitive behavioral therapy.

    Feel better...don't put the cart before the horse - question, question, question...and if you're not clear on the answer - ask again and again until you understand it!

    We're here for you hon!

  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Plus - depression manifests differently in males than in females (ordinarily...)
  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    You're not usually goes undiagnosed because everyone thinks it's pms! lol! All kidding aside, preteen depression is frequently ignored because so much more of it manifests as fear, anger and defiance rather than the stereotypical behaviors in a depressed teen/adult.

  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Wanted to send my welcome. My husband doesn't agree with difficult child 1's diagnosis either. I do agree with the diagnosis, but I tell husband "I don't care if they call him a pink elephant if it gets him the help he needs." I also insist on my way of parenting. Just today I asked all the kids to go clean the play room. I finish vacuuming and I hear husband down stairs yelling and difficult child 2 crying. I go downstairs. husband is sitting in front of his computer watching a movie and playing games while yelling at difficult child 2 to work. I tell him very calmly. This isn't working. Then the kids and I cleaned the play room. No yelling. I didn't tell husband what he was doing wrong (that wouldn't have gone over well). I just pointed out that what he was doing wasn't getting the desired results. Then I showed him how to get the desired results. We're not to the point yet where I can talk to him about how he can get the kids to work. But we're getting their. Good luck.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do YOU feel the diagnosis is right?

    If not, get another opinion.
  11. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Hugs to you. It's always hard reading those evaluations.

    What type of diagnostician did the report?

    My suggestion would be to go through the report and see what seems to be in the ball park. Does he have expressive and receptive communication skills? If so, then he needs a follow-up evaluation by an audiologist for hearing as well as a speech/language pathologist. Does he have mood issues? Does he show signs of anxiety? Is he hyperactive and/or inattentive? If so, these need to be monitored and addressed on the homefront and school whether or not it's called mood issues or depression, tendencies towards anxiety or anxiety disorder. Think of the labels as tools to take a trip. They can be both a ticket to school services and insurance coverage. They can also be a very road sign to point adults in his life in the right direction to help him. They are not a life sentence.

    If this evaluation seems that most of it is in the ball park, I'd go ahead with it and take it to the school if you're needing it to get services started. If there are glaring errors, I'd talk with the diagnostician to get them corrected. This first round of evaluations is usually a starting point to get the ball rolling. A year later revisit the diagnosis. See if it fits any better or any worse. See if the recommendations and interventions put in place helped. See if any more diagnostic work needs to be done. Consider it a place to start, and keep in mind that diagnoses often do change as more is learned about the child in various environments and based on how they respond to interventions.

    I know it's worrisome to have parents and dad not on board. They rarely are in the beginning...they usually don't have to deal with the worst of it like Mom does, plus they generally have a whopping case of Gene Pool Pride.