don't think i should be here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Feb 28, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am sorry to dump all my troubles on you all. I shouldn't be doing that. I just feel so overwhelmed, and helpless among many others. Maybe I should not bother you. sorry.
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    There is very little action here in the middle of the night, if that is what you are referring to. Most folks who post in the middle of the night have to wait until morning to see some replys.

    You have every right to come and express your frustration and helpliness. Understand too that there are a lot of people who read your posts and feel pain but feel helpless to help you. They may not know what to say.

    Please, please go and read my response to your other post "I lost it". It's time for you to make a change FOR YOU.

  3. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    My husband and I have not gone out since difficult child was born. 12 years. I cease to exist in his eyes, only his son exists, and I am just in the way. He has spent most of the past 12 years on the couch. I gave up asking why many years ago. I understand normal people are a sleep at night. The social worker at school suggested family counseling. I made an appointment and i thought it was for us, my husband believed it was for Alex. Just don't care to try to fix things after this long. Alex is his whole life, and can suck him into believing he does no wrong, everyone else does. He keeps things from me, and recently found out he straight out lied to me. I actually had friends once, but seemed to have lost touch with them. did not go to bed yesterday, dealing with school and other issues. School is not doing anything except placing him in the office or ISS most days. As they stated yesterday they are not going to "babysit" him. Teachers are not going to put up with any disruptions. I don't know what to tell the school. Actually wrote a long email to his teacher/case worker (she is only with him for 50 minutes at the end of the day to help with assignments) I vented about what is going on with school. Although I believe in everything I said, I realize I am exhausted and upset, so i did not send it. Don't know if I should. Don't know what today will bring, I am sure much of the same.
  4. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #660000">i'll say it again ~~~ deep breathes.

    trust me, almost every parent was feeling as overwhelmed & out of place when they first got here as you're feeling right now. i've been here seven years now. i was so scared when i first got here....but right now my son is one of the success stories. he's doing fine. so you see, it can & does get better.

    people have trown a lot of info at you as well as a lot of suggestions. it's a lot to digest. yesterday i suggested you make a list & prioritize that list. get a small notebook to keep the list in. it will truly help you track your progress.....AND THERE WILL BE PROGRESS!

    please make your first priority getting yourself to you primary care doctor. he will want to help you.

    always keep in mind that late nights/weekends/hols are always slow around here. it's just the nature of a message board.

    we're here to help & support you. we have broard shoulders & can take the weight.

    kris </span>
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I agree with Kris. There's a popular analogy I like to use when someone needs to reach out for themselves. When on a plane with your child the flight attendant always instructs you to place the oxygen over your face first in the event of a loss of cabin pressure. This is because you may pass out and be unable to help your child if you put the mask on him first. The best thing you can do for your family right now is get some crisis counselling then get some interventions in place. There is no shame in this. A good parent strives to keep everyone in the family healthy, even themselves. Go alone if your husband won't join you. Get strong. You can do this, but you have to reach out first.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Alot of us parents when we first find the board are at the ends of our rope and are desperate. We've tried all we know to try. We've struggled so long with our difficult children alone that we are emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. Many of us have unintentionally isolated ourselves while attempting to deal with life with a difficult child.

    I know when I found this board many yrs ago I was one of those desperate parents. I was in a very bad place and saw no real hope for the future.

    I've read thru some of your posts. And while difficult child seems very unstable, you also seem in need. It's not so uncommon. We get so wrapped up in trying to help our kids we simply put ourselves on the back burner. But it takes it's toll. been there done that

    While getting help for difficult child, one of the biggest things I've learned since coming to the board is how important a support system is for a parent of a difficult child. I've learned that taking time to take care of myself was a big factor in being able to care for my difficult children. The old, If Momma ain't doing good, no one is. Thing.

    I had to teach myself to take time for me, even if that just meant a walk around the block with no difficult child's, or a nice long hot shower. Many of us have needed therapy ourselves, or medications to help us cope better. No shame in it. I've finally gotten to where I don't feel guilty if I do a little something just for myself. And I sure do feel a whole lot better after I do.

    The board was my lifeline. It was the first time I'd come across parents who really understood living with a difficult child.

    You have every right to come and unload. That's what we're here for is to support each other. So many of us have been or are where you are now. Honestly, we don't mind a bit. :smile:

    Not sleeping is not helping your situation. been there done that Have you asked your fam doctor for something to help you sleep at nite? When you don't get adequate rest it's difficult to deal with even simple issues at times. Back when I was having a real problem sleeping I was living thru my own personal h#ll. I was so exhausted I didn't even recognize it. It was horrible.

    My husband didn't get the whole difficult child thing for many years. He thought our difficult child's were on a personal crusade to drive him crazy. And his attitude only made matters worse. It took alot of educating him, forcing him to go to doctor appoints, and such to finally turn him around. Now when I think back to how husband used to act, it makes me want to laugh. But it was anything but funny at the time.

    It's really tough when the other parent isn't quite on the same page.

  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>Good Morning kjs. I wanted to say hello and welcome. I have read through several of your posts. You do have your hands full. You have a full blown preadolescent difficult child(that's enough in itself) a husband that you don't feel is a partner and sounds like you are estranged from each other and a school that is screaming for help with your difficult child. All of this is sitting in your lap. You have every reason to feel overwhelmed and depressed.

    I'm not sure why you feel you shouldn't be here? You have had a multitude of suggestions and a lot of support. I can't imagine a better place to be. We can only make suggestions. It's up to you to read and think about how best to proceed. First, is getting yourself help. You need respite from everyone for 48hrs. Sleep and regroup. Let husband take care of everything for a few days. Go to a sisters or mother or friend and just sleep.

    2.Decide if husband is going to take the lead for difficult child or you. husband is a parent and has the ability to work with his difficult child just as you have. If difficult child responds better and does better with husband then go for it. It's not about who is the better parent. It's about helping difficult child. Personally, I would relinquish the behavior issues to husband. Disengage from it totally for a month or two. Get yourself recharged. Decide if you are divorcing or not. Don't threaten without follow through. It dilutes your personal strength as an adult.

    3. Use the school as a tool to help difficult child. Ask for an evaluation. Ask for suggestions, ask for help. Work with them to come up with a plan when difficult child is not cooperating. Losing it in school is no longer an option. It is degrading to difficult child and to you. Lack of sleep and incredible stress explode into that sort of behavior. So avoid both.

    You see most of us have been through something similar to what you are going through. None of us are here without our own baggage. Different version but difficult child based. We are telling you things that helped us. We can't cure difficult children but we can fix ourselves. Take that first step. Trust us that have been through the he** you describe and found a way to survive. I still want to walk away from difficult child and pretend his issues don't exist but I don't. I learned to take care of myself and do the best I can for me, my family and difficult child. Not just difficult child.So I think you belong here. I hope we can help you work through this chapter in your life. </span>
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    My husband and I have not gone out since difficult child was born. 12 years.

    OMG. How do you do it?
    Tiredmommy, great analogy. You GO!