Don't Think there's a Solution...Just Need to Vent

[DaisyFace]

I am so angry with difficult child lately...

For the first time ever, she has a friend. A true-blue friend. Unfortunately, difficult child treats her like garbage. Constantly insulting her, mocking, making fun, criticizing...and above all, just plain USING her!

difficult child will disrespect L to other people. Will ditch L at the drop of a hat to go hang out with someone new...only to come crawling back. difficult child will get herself invited to L's house and then come home with a ton of L's stuff - clothes, jewelry, a radio, and recently a HUGE bag of Beanie Babies. (L told difficult child that she wanted a few of those Beanie Babies back and difficult child told her NO!)

If it had been me? I'd have told difficult child where to stick it a loooooong time ago...but, for whatever reason, L continues to be a friend.

In the last few days, difficult child has set her sights on a new guy (J). Naturally, this means she must ditch L at all costs. So difficult child has been telling J that L is just a pathetic acquaintence who tries to 'hang out' with difficult child all the time...but she's such a loser! And difficult child has been trying to make a plan to go to a horror movie with J on Friday. (How do I know? I overhear their telephone calls.)

Meanwhile, difficult child denies to us that J is anything more than some dude from class. (Yea, right!)

Yesterday, difficult child comes home with a story about how this girl, C, invited difficult child to the movies Friday night....and even though difficult child would NEVER bring L along when she was hanging out with C...L gave difficult child some money so now difficult child can buy herself a movie ticket. Who else is going to be there? Well, ya know, there's no way of knowing who all might show up to the movies on a Friday night so difficult child cannot tell me anything about anybody that she might be hanging out with at the theatre.

So I tell her - sorry, difficult child, that sounds like a NO.

So difficult child calls J to tell him that she asked, but she cannot go. I say (while she's on the phone), "Oh is that C? Maybe you can find out who else she invited?"

And my question basically gets me a dirty look and a withering explanation that she and C never call each other, it's J - and how would J know anything about who would be at the movies? Ugh!

So then difficult child spends the rest of the telephone call bragging to J how she's gonna beat up this person and that person, and she wants to kill so-and-so, and L is such a dork, and this other person is such an idiot...

I hate hearing this stuff. I hate all the lies and trickery and manipulation and the cruelty.

It makes me feel sick.

I know there's no solution - but sometimes I wish difficult child would get a little "payback" for all this **** she dishes out.

(And then, I remember I'm supposed to be safely inside my "Bubble o Happiness"...which doesn't seem to work so well....I'd rather be firing a volley or two off the ramparts - but I disgress. Ooooohhhhmmmmm - serenity now! - oooooohhhmmmmm)

Thanks for listening....

 

[tiredmommy]

Wow... I feel sorry for L. And I'll feel sorry for difficult child when L gets a backbone and ditches her for her mean girl ways.

 

[AnnieO]

SF... I read this... And I swear you're talking about Onyxx... I really do. And I don't have an answer, but I can commiserate at least!

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

DF,

I agree with TM. At some point, your difficult child will get what's coming to her... Natural consequences are the very best teachers! SFR

 

[ML]

Just **hugs**

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Hugs - I used to feel the same way listening to my difficult child's phone conversations....insert eyeroll....I honestly don't know how she has friends....

 

[shellyd67]

DF, that had to be so hard to hear... Karma is all I can say ...

 

[DaisyFace]

Thanks for understanding...

I just HATE, HATE, HATE all the lying and the back-stabbing to everyone.

And really, she makes up a story about going to the movies with C - and honestly expects me to believe that she is not either going with J or planning meeting him there? PUL-LEASE!

And isn't it convenient that L would give difficult child money to hang out with these folks that difficult child is bashing her to? I'll bet it's L's money....I'm just not so sure she *gave* it to difficult child.

That "goes around comes around" stuff is not coming around fast enough!!!

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry. This kind of thing can be so ugly. I used to hear gfgbro talk about people similarly.

Since difficult child has all this stuff from the ohter girl, and clearly refused to give some things back, have you considered talking with L and her parents about why difficult child keeps bringing L's stuff and money home? I know difficult child is too old for "playdates" and often it is better to let kids sort this stuff out, but it sounds like a fairly substantial pile of loot that could wind up being considered larceny if L got mad.

The parents may be worried about their daughter and may not know that she doesn't know how to protect herself from difficult child yet.

just a thought.

 

[DaisyFace]

I am sorry. This kind of thing can be so ugly. I used to hear gfgbro talk about people similarly.

Since difficult child has all this stuff from the ohter girl, and clearly refused to give some things back, have you considered talking with L and her parents about why difficult child keeps bringing L's stuff and money home? I know difficult child is too old for "playdates" and often it is better to let kids sort this stuff out, but it sounds like a fairly substantial pile of loot that could wind up being considered larceny if L got mad.

The parents may be worried about their daughter and may not know that she doesn't know how to protect herself from difficult child yet.

just a thought.

Yes, I've been thinking about maybe contacting the parents. L is actually older than difficult child by a few years....yet is in difficult child's English class in school. It makes me wonder if L is Learning Disability (LD) or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) ? She seems like a nice girl, but for her age is way too easily influenced and too tolerant of difficult child's baloney.

My hesitation is that I really don't know the parents very well at all....plus, I am sure they have been hearing from difficult child all the horror stories of how abusive we are.

Still on the fence with that one...

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh dear, that poor kid!
You may be right about her being Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) or something if she keeps putting up with-that, plus, she's older.

I know what you mean about the ph conversation, your question, and the withering look. been there done that!!!! Too many times, LOL!

 

[DaisyFace]

O and here's the latest--

difficult child just found out that L and her family will be traveling to the beach for Spring Break next week....so naturally, difficult child would like to go with them.

I told difficult child "No!"....among other things, I told her she had not 'earned' a trip to the beach.

Well, husband has been working some really long hours lately starting his new job - (clearly deserving of some R & R) so difficult child explained that the whole family should go with L's family, after all, she is sure that we are ALL invited.

 

[AnnieO]

...And is L's family going to PAY for all of you to go?!?!?!

Yup, had a similar convo with Onyxx yesterday... "But what if my friend's family would take me and pay for everything?" ... Um. "One, they wouldn't, and two, we'd have to KNOW THE PARENTS, not just a phone call like when you spend the night." "AWWWWW, but I'd get to..." "No."

Wow, just wow...

 

[DaisyFace]

...And is L's family going to PAY for all of you to go?!?!?!

Yup, had a similar convo with Onyxx yesterday... "But what if my friend's family would take me and pay for everything?" ... Um. "One, they wouldn't, and two, we'd have to KNOW THE PARENTS, not just a phone call like when you spend the night." "AWWWWW, but I'd get to..." "No."

Wow, just wow...

LOL! O you reminded me....there was more and I forgot!!!

Since husband and I will not be throwing the "MTV-Style Sweet Sixteen Birthday Bash" for difficult child - she told us yesterday that she was going to talk to L's parents about throwing a party for her.

I told her that was great - let me know what they say.

Too funny!

 

[dashcat]

Daisy,
I had ver similar issues with my difficult child when she was still in high school. She was not outwardly cruel, but she went through friends like crazy and she manipulated everyone for the sake of whatever boy she set her sights on. I really feel your pain. I do suggest you get to know L'sparents, though. I found it very helpful when my difficult child was working on schemes related to guys.

Hang in there. You're not alone.
Dash

 

[DDD]

Not understanding the meaning of friendship is common with difficult child's but it also happens with easy child's. When I review my life there are a few things I deeply regret from my youth. Interestingly enough two "friendships" I treated badly and over fifty years later I still feel a twinge of guilt. One girl was the only kid in my neighborhood and we spent alot of time together by default so to speak. Then...I began to form a best friend relationship with a girl from school and I excluded my neighbor friend far more than I should have. I even felt guilty at the time (maybe twelve or so) but I loved spending time alone with my new best friend. I'm sure it was heartbreaking for the neighbor. Later on when I started high school (in a new neighborhood) there was a girl who really needed a friend and was eager to be at my side alot. I never said anything rude to either girl but I left them behind as my social life began to flourish. Guilt lingers. I was a easy child.

As a parent and grandparent I totally understand your post. Obviously taking things and demeaning others is unacceptable.That age, however, is difficult for many. Learning about friendships is tricky. Everyone is trying to identify who they are and who they want to be...and who they want to hang out with during their transition. For difficult child's it can be extreme. Most of us eventually "see" who we are and try to learn from our mistakes. I guarantee you I never duplicated that behavior again. I do hope your difficult child will have an awakening too. The whole process is sad for everyone. Hugs. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

DDD, funny you should mention that. I, too, have things I deeply regret and to this day could never find the words to apologize for.

I had a friend I was completely jealous of. One day I skipped school with a friend and we went about town with chalk writing bad things about this friend. What a **** head I was.

I had a best friend that was date raped. She skipped school by herself and was drinking. Two older teenage boys went over there to drink with her and they ended up raping her. About a year later, I had the audacity to date one of them. I don't know what I was thinking. I was so desperate for love I was willing to take it whereever it came from, I guess. But I can only imagine how betrayed she must have felt. That was the end of our friendship, though we are friends now on Facebook, I really want to tell her how sorry I am and what a butt I feel like but I would hate to dredge up those memories for her. She married her high school sweetheart and they have a perfect life.

And as if that was not enough:

I have a best friend from high school that I completely dumped when I met my husband in my early twenties. I moved out without much notice and stuck her with a mess and bills to pay off. OMG. I could never, ever apologize enough for this.

Wow - I used to be such a crappy person!!!!!! I was a difficult child for sure. But, I would never do anything like that now. Never. And I wish from the bottom of my heart there was a way I could make it up to each one of them.

 

[DaisyFace]

There are some people I'd like to apologize to, too...

I've been a terrible friend. I think in some ways - I didn't know any better...but still. I feel badly about it.

Some of this friend stuff is typical teen. I think it's very common for a girl to ditch her girlfriends in pursuit of some guy.

With the difficult children, though, it is SO over-the-top. Blatantly lying to anyone and everyone - and then getting angry when you call her on it? Ugh!

And the fantasies! The belief that everyone's family is so much better than yours! THEY will throw me a big party. THEY will take me on a beach vacation. THEY would never expect me to do chores. THEY would never ask me to do homework. THEY would give me whatever I want whenever I want it. etc etc etc

 

[PatriotsGirl]

difficult child used to tell me the same. She used to tell me that she would be able to move in with all of these families, be homeschooled by them, etc. None of it ever came to fruition because after awhile I told her to go ahead and move in with these other families and she never did...lol.

Now, she has gone on vacation with her friends - I can only imagine that difficult child behaved much differently around other families. We thoroughly enjoyed the respite!

 

[Dandj425]

Yep, sounds familiar. My oldest would get things from neighbors and friends saying various things like our family couldn't afford this or that etc, and this was because we told her NO. The manipulation and embarressment that went with it were hard to deal. Now when she has money or an item I just can't trust her with where it actually came from. Your daughter's friend L may be getting quite an earful. My daughter's friends' parents were told some interesting whoppers to get what she wanted and liked to invite herself into the other family's activities. I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like she will have to wear out her welcome with her friend before it gets better. I would definitely talk to the parents though! This is how I found out the stories my daughter was telling to get what she wants. After talking to the parents, she lost credibility with them.