My sister has a theory. She likes husband, most people do, but is incredulous about how he's behaving. husband always did give way too big benefit of the doubt and always did give second and third and fourth and fifth chances ad nauseaum, he always minimized, smoothed over, forgot/dropped grudges, etc... That was just how he was.
husband always was conflicted about difficult child and the problems. Excusing them, feeling guilty, getting angry, etc... He--and we--have never really known what to do about difficult child. There just isn't good advice out there. Nobody really knows what to do with a kid who behaves at such a young age the way difficult child does.
Last spring the problems with difficult child escalated with the knives and syrup and electronics and it' like husband gave up. He shut down and went into denial. Add in the problems with the school, the drugs, the constant onslaught of crappy, somewhat scary behavior, husband gave up. He found a solution that made it all go away: denial, fortified with drinking.
Sister points out that husband kept wanting to send difficult child away for the summer and didn't care that it would essentially ruin what was left of his birth family. That when he was about to return from 3-weeks away at camp he said he didn't want difficult child back. And he's said several times how he regretted he ever had kids.
So her theory is husband is struggling with himself. He wants difficult child to be turned over to the state and to be relieved of the responsibility of him, but he feels very guilty for wanting this...so he's making a big blustery show of fighting for difficult child to get his family and his own self off his back. And to salvage his relationship with difficult child who is also giving husband a massive constant guilt trip: you hate me, you never believe me, I hate living here, I wish I'd never been born, WSM says this and that about me, you lie to me, you favor daughter, I'm going to drop out of school at sixteen and leave home, I'd rather live with my mom even on the street, etc...
Sister says denial was the perfect solution. If he could get me to go along with it, all his problems were solved. Since I wouldn't, since I was sabotaging the easiest solution, I had to be the bad guy, and since I was the bad guy, he convinced himself that it was all right to lie to me and bully me.
When it made things worse, Sister says husband was in a funk especially since the therapist and some others seemed to line up with me. Denial didn't make things better, it divided people and made everything worse, people now lined up on two sides...and he was in the middle. She believes he really wants to be on my side, but that means losing his son and being what his family said he was, a bad father.
When the therapist said difficult child should go in the psychiatric hospital, husband protested and complained and denied the need--but on a small pretext, did put him in. difficult child had done a lot worse than break the fins off a ceiling fan, that was small potatoes in difficult child dysfunction. But husband put him in the hospital for it.
When the therapist said difficult child needed long term care, husband asked for it at the psychiatric hospital (they didn't do anything to help) and researched it. But he couldn't actually bring himself to file the commitment papers. However, when the CPS lady showed up, he admitted right off that difficult child was lying and agreed to testify against difficult child if he had to. He could have kept difficult child's lying to himself and could have made it clear he wouldn't testify against his son. But he didn't.
So she thinks husband is going to do the right thing in court but pretend all along he's not selling difficult child down the river. She thinks he'll be relieved if the state takes difficult child, but can't admit it to himself and wants to look like the hero who did everything possible to keep difficult child out of state custody. She thinks he's not only afraid of his family's reaction, but of the stigma of society when people learn he has a kid in punk jail, and that he's ashamed of his failure as a father. Especially when he fought so hard to get custody and was the hero. husband likes being the hero.
She also thinks he's upset with me because I don't see his dilemma and am reading too much into his blustery posturing. And that he's lying and trying to keep me in the dark and away from court, not because he wants to lie to save difficult child (because he really doesn't), but because he doesn't want me to have more ammunition against difficult child. He knows difficult child is going to accuse me in court and doesn't want me to know it, because he's hoping some day things will be better and that day is further off everytime difficult child makes an accusation. And she thinks he's afraid that this accusation might be the thing that pushes the marriage over the edge, and he wants to keep the marriage--so he has to keep difficult child's accusations and behavior in the dark and is inventing phony allies in police, PubDefs, and docs in the hopes to keep me appeased, soothed, reassured (see dear, you are overreacting, difficult child isn't so bad you need to divorce me over).
And he's going to have to account to his brother and mother about how it is he was such a bad father he lost his son. And they will never forgive him, and will blame him for marrying me and will align with difficult child against him and his birth family and difficult child will eventually all cut him off (which I think is very likely), and husband is trying to make a case: I did everything, I lied for the kid, I missed work for him, I spent $xx on lawyers, $xx on therapists...but it was out of my hands.
ANyways,
That's my sister's theory.
