Dont Worry.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Mar 14, 2009.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I just need not to worry so much! I know I should give my burdens to God - instead of try to fix them on my own. My difficult child is still living with friends - I guess - he is supposed to start his community service today at Salvation Army thrift store. Who knows if he will go or not. He says he wants to go to rehab. He went to the PO and failed his drug test by a mile and they didnt violate him. He doesnt have a job except for working in peoples yards. I dont know if he is ok or not. This is so bizarre. It is peaceful at my house right now - my husband is not here this weekend. Pray that I can continue to do the right thing by myself and for my difficult child and easy child.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Enjoy the peace and quiet!!
  3. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Susan, not only do our difficult child's have to learn another way, but we too have to learn another way of thinking. I see that you do know that. I also see that it's a personal struggle to change yourself and what you chose to focus on. Can you grab your easy child and go for drive, to a movie, or shopping or something to occupy your time and mind? You're doing the right thing by not having your difficult child around you right now. Keep up the good work! We are here for you.
  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks - so much.
  5. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    I don't know your whole situation, but I send prayers and hugs to you.

  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Stands, Enjoy the peace a quiet and renew yourself so that you will have strength when you need it. I used to totally enjoy having the house to myself even for only an hour. It is so good to just sit in peaceful silence once in a while. -RM
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Enjoy yourself, Susan (I think that's your real'm getting forgetful as I age!). Obviously your son isn't ready to do anything about his addiction. Your easy child and you should learn how to live without chaos. People can get addicted to chaos. I read a great article about how some people who lived in a terrible part of town where there were many shootings and dangers were relocated to a quiet place in suburbia. Guess what? Most of them RETURNED to the chaos and danger of the city! It can become addictive and we can almost become bored and/or depressed if we are used to it and no longer have it, and we have to find other ways to fill our lives. I don't mean that this is you, I'm just bringing up something that I think was ME at one
    Once I got used to peace and quiet, hey, I like it!
    You have so earned peace as has your hub and other child. So take a bubblebath with candles and a good book and think about yourself for once :)
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks for the wonderful advice. Actually my difficult child just called saying he needs $10. and some food. He will have no place to sleep tonight. He didnt go to this community service today. When will they do something about it? He fails a drug test, doesnt go to meetings, etc. what gives? I believe he says he wants to go inpatient - or he could go to jail - actually I bealieve he needs treatment. How do I take him food - with no money - and watch him go down the road holding a bag - I dont have another bookbag - I might could find a small bag - this is just crazy - I was looking at old pictures today and I just cant believe it is the same family - all the children looked so happy and I was thinking everything was as happy as "normal" was supposed to be - now I have to tell my child - who I put before anything else - he cant live at home - he has to be homeless until something else happens - It is very hard for me. I have to really be strong.
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hugs. It's hard. But you know it must be done. He is finally hitting his bottom---I believe, because you are allowing him to. Take him something to eat. Do not give him cash. Tell him you love him. Then leave him there.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Put some food into a shopping bag, if you must. But whatever you do don't hand him cash. Tell him you love him and leave before the emotions get the better of you.

    Actually, I'd skip the taking him the food. An empty stomach might clear his head to think about some things. But that's just me. Took me a while for it to dawn on me that even taking my friend food wasn't let her spend what little cash she could beg borrow or steal for drugs. :(

    Try to enjoy your quiet weekend, Susan.

  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    What gives you reason to believe he wants treatment, but is not getting it? Who in authority can you call at inpatient for help? Anybody at the community service place who might have an influence over him? Is some sort of a social worker or mental health person in charge of his case? I would hesitate to give him food, especially if he missed treatment and/or community service. However, if he fixes this...I would reconsider (let him know this). Leftover food/ meals are always good. However, no money...that is a given. This is really sad/difficult. Pull in your resources for professional advice and assistance; those working with him and your private counselor if necessary. They know best. Remember, you can offer help, but that's about it. As best as you are able, try not to get overly traumatized by his poor choices. As horrendous as this stuff appears at the moment, it is his burden. You are doing the best you can to help when and where appropriate. He is an adult. Your choice is to help him help himself and that is absolutely fine, but at the same time move forward and live a happy life.
    Lasted edited by : Mar 15, 2009
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would try NOT to look at old family pictures, at least not on purpose. It really is only torturing yourself

    I agree on NOT giving him any cash. I'd think twice about the food as well.. it sounds like such a manipulative tactic on his part. He knows exactly which buttons to push to get your attention.
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Nomad - The only people I think I can call would be the PO or the person at the Phoenix Center that was his counselor. He hasnt been to voc rehab yet to wait for inpatient treatment. I thought the people at the center can refer him to inpatient. He did ask them that. I just dont know what I should do. I did take him food out of my fridge - gave him no money. He wanted a beer and I said no - i gave him mountain dew. I want to tell someone that is in charge of what they have asked him to do court wise. I want them to know he needs help now. Is it fixing to let them know? Sometimes it is so hard - with a mothers heart and all what to do and what not to do? My husband says he needs to suffer enough so he will want to go another path - how much more do we need to let him suffer - I am not sure he is suffering as much as we think - he is on probation and really is not supposed to change addresses but how could we continue to have him live here - people all over our neighborhood know he is here and they come out of the woodwork - he says he made a doctor appointment. for the 17th and I am sure it will be to get nerve pills - he will drive me crazy about taking him or he will call his brother to take him - sometimes I just get worn down and dont know what to do but then again - I know he cant handle a bottle of pills on his own - I cant do it - I cant do it again - sometimes I feel like we just need to go get him and put him somewhere - I told him I would take him to detox or a shelter - he said he didnt need to go - just keep praying for me and him.
  14. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Hi Stands -

    I would defer to your husband's leadership. Dad (for the most part) just make more objective decisions when it comes to our kids. I remember when my daughter was at her worst - my husband just did a better job in dealing with "what to do and what not to do". I just couldn't get past my "mothers heart".

    Your husband sounds really grounded. You know that he loves your son as much as you do. Let him be your "rock".
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Stands, I think you know my story so I will only go into it briefly. My son is out of jail for the third time. He has not been able to maintain his participation in court ordered programs while on parole so he has been violated twice. He could have been out of the system within 18 months of his first charge but has dragged it out for 3 years so far instead and he must maintain for another 8 months to be totally free of the judicial system.

    This is the first time he has been released and I have basically done nothing to help him. I have used certain opportunities to teach him that he must work for things, but other than that I have done nothing except love him. It is no longer hard for me to do this. And truth be told, this time he is doing the best he has done so far. I admit that I am often tempted to give him little gifts but I do not. I only give him encouragement and hugs.

    He has faltered but he gets back on track quickly. I refuse to lecture him even though there are time I really want to. I refuse to even listen to tales of his self induced stresses. I think for the first time I have totally removed myself from his chaos and only allow the good parts into my life. I have completely accepted who he is, what he is and what he can accomplish on his own. I admit that it is alot less than what I had hoped for him, but it is what he can achieve. I do now see him gaining some self pride and trying to become a better person.

    Best of all I have no guilt. I realize he could falter and fall at any time but I have learned that he needs to walk this path on his own. I will be his compass but not his crutch. -RM
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2009
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks Goldenguru! I have heard that said from more than one person.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Rejected Mom - Thanks and does your son live at home? I just wondered. Also what are socialization services? I have never delved into a group home for my son. I think now he needs to find it on his own. He has said that to me before. We made him to to rehabs he didnt want to go to - he wants to do it his way or the highway - so he is doing it - I guess.
  18. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My son is living at a group home through the county's mental health mental retardation. He goes to a program for socialization which takes them on field trips and does activities etc. He goes to group therapy and AA meetings is on Meedicare and gets a cash assistance which he uses to buy his personal hygene items and cigs and pay his rent and restitution. He has recently earned the right to overnights so we will be able to take him to the beach if we choose to this summer. Right now things are pretty good but I am still cautious because with my difficult child they can change at any minute. -RM
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Also, AA does have a list of group homes that your son could go on the wait list for while he lives at a shelter. Another option is if he is willing to go to the county MHMR they can get him set up with medical and food and counciling do an intake on him and an assessment for mental health and eventually get him into a Group Home. But it is all voluntary so your difficult child will have to be onboard and want help. You cannot force it on him.

    There is usually a wait for the Group homes AA is faster but MHMR is more comprehensive. My son was in county prison for 8 months waitng for a bed. I hated that but I let it be because I had gotten him out early in the past and he didn't last the program. I thought, "let him really remember how much he hats being locked up and maybe he will do better". Like I said it took my difficult child three times in the slammer before he realized that he had to work a program if he wanted to be free. (Yes, he is a slow learner but he is learning). What is amazing to me is that everytime I see him I am struck with how good he looks! He is clean well fed and reasonably healthy. AND he isnt under my roof and that is so good to see. -RM
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Really liked the thoughts/ideas mentioned.
    To rely on your husband for advice/support.
    The possibility of AA, MHMR knowing about housing/group homes.
    Not to look at old family photos.
    All goooood stuff. Hang in there!!!!