Dont Worry.....

[Rhonda]

Susan,
Wow - have been so wrapped up in my own little drama that I just got time to read this! I am so sorry.

I can't imagine what I would have done in your shoes. You did great. Do you know where he stayed?

I will say this, it really helped me when I knew my daughter was going to need shelter and I did not want her here, to have a number to call. I started with the Coalition for the Homeless and told them my story. I spent all day calling the numbers they gave me and understanding how each organization could or could not help my child. Now I am armed with numbers to give my daughter to call to find a place to stay, to get food, to get counseling, and even free clothing. There are good organizations that will come pick them up and help them if they ask. My daughter has the number to the YMCA and if she loses it I have it right here. They will take her. Community Human Services is another help line here. Salvation Army here offers free Breakfast and Lunch to anyone who comes. Some of them offer shelter or hotel vouchers in emergency situations for one night. He has to be willing to call them and ask though. I would even call for my daughter if she asked me to. Then I would give them her number!

Hope this gives you some amo in the future. I am going to look into group homes! That sounds like an alternative for mine if her friends dump her again.

Stay strong. Don't give up. I had to put up all the family picture's, I cried every time I looked at them. It really helped me not to see her face everytime I turned around. That child is not who she is anymore and until it is a fond memory instead of a knife through the heart, my pics are in a closed drawer. We can only do what we can! It is so hard to love a lying, manipulating, drug addict, thief... but I do. It is really easy to love that girl in that picture.. but she does not exist anymore.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks and is MHMR the mental health place here? We call it XXXX Mental Health - my son has been there before and he doesnt like it because they do not prescribe benzos. I told him if he would go and say he doesnt want any narcotics I would believe he wanted to change - however, he hasnt said that yet - he is just waiting for what I dont know - he is hanging out with friends for a place to stay beacause we cant let him stay here and use pot, alcohol and God knows what else - we have had enough - however I dont want something bad to happen to him - I havent heard from him tonight - I am fixing to go to bed and pray.

 

[standswithcourage]

Oh and Rhonda I know how you feel. That is the person in the pictures I remember. He is my oldest and it is so hard.

 

[Suz]

MHMR is your state's mental health agency.

I googled it for South Carolina and got:

http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=slv1&p=department+of+mental+health+South%20Carolina

http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/services.htm

Suz

 

[rejectedmom]

Thank you for following up with the links Suz! -RM

 

[Star*]

Susan,

I don't know how you help them on one hand and walk away from them on another. I konw when we were having to look at Dude being out on the streets (and it's still a possibility every day) I got a lump in my throat when I tried to look up services. Then it hit me - WHY AM I LOOKING UP SERVICES FOR HIM? And I didn't know which made me more angry - the fact that I was trying to help a child I felt isnt' able to totally help himself or the fact that if I help - am I really helping or just prolonging the inevitable and thus making it easier on myself.

I don't have all the answers to that question. But I do know that the less I have suggestions for Dude - the more he seems to surprise me in finding his own way. Here's what I mean -

We've helped Dude get to and from counseling for years - finally he quit. We quit asking. Enough was enough.
We've helped Dude find housing, and work, and food - we quit
We've helped Dude by bailing him out of his restitution and probation - we quit.

Once we backed off ?
He stopped going to counseling for about 5 months. -
On his own he made an appointment. with Mental Health, begged a ride and talked to a counselor. Counselor said his depression was very bad, to make an appointment with either a psychiatrist or an M.D. He made the appointment. with an M.D. and is now on Cymbalta. Whether he takes it is up to him. But the point is HE did it - it was HIS choice and he did the phone calls, and appointment. setting and making arrangements - so it was more plausible that HE would make the appointment, take the advice and fill the prescription. He did.

We stopped helping him with his appts, and I finally told him to set up his OWN appointment. for SSI, I didn't have time to run my life, my home and his.
He DID! - and He's currently trying out being a part=time room mate with someone. Imagine MY surprise when the boy who owns the house kicked everyone out - and then invited Dude back (just to get the other 2 kids out and seem fair) because Dude washes dishes, keeps his room clean, and cleans up after himself (I fainted on the floor) - Dude WHAT? C'mon. The room-mate confirmed he is a good fella to live with he just needs to get a job. He ALSO policed the thermostat to keep the bills down. (OMG can you believeit?)

He's figured out that it's a pain to earn money and then throw it at a PO, but going to jail is not fun.....so he's doing odd jobs and continues to look for a job. It's not easy - and he isn't really "into" raking yards and such - but it's something he can tell his PO to keep him off the go to jail list.
And he's called ON HIS OWN about his community service hours. I finally handed him the folder and said - HERE YA GO - figure it out.

I was so anxiety ridden when I did that - but he's actually doing things FOR HIMSELF and I'm doing less - and that's a good thing. I still worry - but there are consequences out there that will hit my son right in the kiester and it's quite a reality check - eventually enough hits? They get tired of doing things THEIR way and do it the way it needs to be done.

I know you love your son.....For years and years I have had to put away ALL baby pictures and such of mine. It's too hard to look back....someday sure - I'll be able to but until then don't torture yourself with the what if's. Take pictures of him now - and frame those.....it's better to see what is - that what could have been.

And yes - I know the heartache of the "knapsack" vs. "Paper bag" it can leave a lump in your throat because you want to do the best and have your kids have the best - not some vision of them standing in the dark, all alone with a paper bag full of junk - BUT if thats what it would take for him to turn his own corner? Going hungry - being alone and having to figure something out for himself? Then I'm all for it.

What I found out about Dude is that he isn't as helpless as I thought he was - and when he started to do things for himself? We both found a reason to be proud. I'm not sure about where you are but our Salvation Army offers drug rehab group every day -

Hugs for your strenght and prayers for your son.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Star. My son called me last night about 11. He asked me if I had called the police on him. He said one of his friends grandmother asked him if he was running from the police. I said no. Then he says he is paranoid about it. He didnt go to community service on Saturday. He has his paper from the PO. He said last night he was homeless. I said ok where are you and he said I am not going to tell you that. So I said ok. Then he said just leave me alone Mom and I said ok. He said I love you and I said I love you and hung up and turned off my phone and tried to sleep!
This is nuts! He will probably call today saying he made a doctor appointment. for tomorrow and he needs us to pay - wanting the drugs he is taking probably to look good for his PO - prescription and all - not going to happen. I hope he is ok. I just hope I can continue to go on this way. I will go to Alanon tonight.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Practice not asking him where he is, if you can. I think it only feeds into his manipulation of you .. .he wants you to think the worst. Just do the old smile and say, OK, honey. Love you... I know you'll do what you think is best.

I hope al-anon helps tonight. What about your sponsor? Do you call her/him when you get calls like this from difficult child? I'm sure they could help you with some specific lines to use.. not to mention the ones we have here in the archives...

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes - thanks Alanon helps so much. I would be crazy by now without those people! He called yesterday thinking I had the police looking for him. He says Mom I am homeless. I said ok. He said dont send the cops for me and leave me alone. I love you. bye. I said I love you too. bye and turned off my phone. that is a major progression for me. Tonight he calls and says he has a doctor appointment. tomorrow. I said I have no money to pay for that. He says ok I've got to go. So I can just see me taking him to the doctor, paying for that visit and him getting what pills he wants because he is good at it and or someone else paying for them and giving them to him. Makes no sense so I am not going to be a part of it. Some of my Alanon friends child is in the Pavilion where I cannot send my child beacause I cannot afford it - anyway - they are going to print off their co=dependency information that they got from their family program and give it to me! I do have a good relationship with my Alanon friends. Thanks for all of your input. It helps and I appreciate the time it takes for you to write it. I really do.

 

[Star*]

You know what? It was one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do (and still forget and ask) - but not asking "Where are you?" ugh- Mentally I think (THINK) I will feel better if I know where he is - but actually? I don't want to know. My luck the next time I forget he'll be getting a back sized tattoo of bugs bunny flipping someone off - and then I'll really wish I hadn't asked. lol

Susan - whatever you are doing - keep doing it.

Hugs
Star

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Susan,

I can't give you any advice because I have never been in your situation with my difficult child. But I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and how you are coping with your son. I hope that doesn't sound patronising because I sincerely don't mean it that way. It's just that when you first came here you felt so helpless and today you seem to have a sense of direction and you sound as if you are feeling a bit better with what you are doing and how you are coping. I'm so grateful to you for sharing with us the way you do.

Hugs.

Love, Esther

 

[standswithcourage]

Well thanks but I really cant say I am all that tough. I just know that what I have been doing hasnt worked. It is very hard and sometimes I really second guess myself. He called last night to say he had a doctor appointment. today - I am sure for Nerve medications - I told him I didnt have the money for the doctor appointment. - he said he had 30 seconds to talk and said ok and that was it. I havent heard from him today. I turned my phone off and went to bed. I really dont know what is going tohappen. We are supposed to go with my husband this weekend and spend the night out of town friday and saturday night - sometimes I wonder if I should go anywhere when his life is so unsettled? But how can I stay and stop my life when he is out of control. Not a good idea.

 

[Star*]

I dunno - I don't think it's stopping your life because he is out of control - I think maybe it's LIVING your life BECAUSE he is out of control. Eventually it will hit him that despite all his shenanigans and manipulation? Mom has a life and she's a living example to ALL of her children how to handle bad things by moving on. Very hard - yes. Impossible? No.

YOU GO AND HAVE FUN MISSY! And have some seasalt for me.....or taffy or something nice.

 

[everywoman]

Where are you going this time? You must go. Star is right. Whether you go or stay home, he will still be out of control. At least if you are not there, you will be able to forget about the drama of another weekend of "How the Stomach Churns when you are the mom of a SA difficult child."

 

[standswithcourage]

This weekend, bless my husband's heart, we are headed to Boone, NC. I hope it doesnt snow! He is umpiring softball. He has his own room! I can only go on the trips where he has his own room. It is fun for us because he loves it when I can go and it is a nice place. It has always been about difficult child and what situation he was in at the time. Me staying here is not good. I am the worst person to deal with him face to face. he has called me two times tonight - I wasnt near the phone but I recognized the number and didnt call back. Do you think that is being too detached? I am trying to put up a boundary which I didnt have before. It is hard beacause I know he probably wants money, food or to borrow our lawn mower to make money. The poeple he lived with before said he could come by there and eat if he got hungry. I just cant believe this is my son I am talking about.

 

[goldenguru]

YOU DID GREAT Susan!!

If you know that he wanted something that you should not give him, then not answering was the perfect action!!

Every time that he has to figure things out for himself, he is becoming stronger and more independent!! Isn't that what we all want for our children? To become strong and independent?

You go and have a wonderful weekend with your husband. You both deserve it!!

 

[CrazyinVA]

Yup you did great by not answering. GO this weekend, enjoy yourself. The more you do things like this, the easier it will get, believe me.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks friends! I believe you are right. Right now he is not doing community service like he is supposed to. I believe he is staying up all night and sleeping in the day. Nocturnal! Anyway, I just wonder how long this will last. He said he plans to go to Voc. Rehab next week. We will see. I just dont see how he can get his life together and be a participating part of society doing what he is doing now. Maybe he just needs to continue to tell me to leave him alone. It makes me feel like I should. I dont want to be part of the problem only part of the solution.

 

[maril]

stands: Hi. I have been following some of your posts; my heart goes out to you and your family. I really am at a loss to offer advice (my difficult child is a teen/of course, have yet to see what will happen when he becomes an adult) but I do send support and encourage you to keep hanging in there! Know that all these good folks are cheering you on, myself included!

I hope you go through with your trip as planned. You need a break! husband and I went away in January and it was very hard to leave difficult child because of the ongoing problems. However, we actually did relax a bit and were glad to get away.

I will be thinking of you and praying for strength and positive days ahead for you all. Take care.

 

[trinityroyal]

he has called me two times tonight - I wasnt near the phone but I recognized the number and didnt call back. Do you think that is being too detached? I am trying to put up a boundary which I didnt have before.

Susan,
I am so proud of you for the way you're handling things with your difficult child.

To answer your question, no, that is not too detached. That is exactly what you need to do. It's when you don't step in and rescue that your difficult child learns how to cope with his life.

You and your husband raised him right, and he chose instead to do wrong. Somewhere deep inside him lurk all of those lessons that you taught him when he was growing up. Now that he's a man, he needs to choose whether to use them or not.

What you're doing is so very hard, but it's the best gift that you can give your difficult child, yourself and your other children.

You're doing great!

Trinity