Doubting myself again...but not TOO much!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by CAmom, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Since we started the tough love, i.e., no visiting our son at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC), no gifts in the mail, etc., he's been calling about once a week, going through the same thing--his easy child didn't say we COULDN'T visit, just that it wasn't a good idea, why do we care more about what his easy child thinks than what our "child" wants (17 1/2 years old...), etc. I've stayed calm and neutral, answering the same way--"Your dad's and my top priority is supporting you in your program, and we fully intend to follow your easy child's advice as to what he and your PO feel is in your best interest which means no visits until you earn them.

    Really, this isn't about climbing Mt. Everest--all he has to do is watch his mouth, stop goofing in school, participate in group/individual counseling, and do a couple of chores.

    His latest request, after I turned him down last week about calling his PO to "negotioate" an earlier return home date, is now to call his easy child (whom he sees every day...) to ask him whether or not our son will be coming home for Easter. This is entirely dependent on the above, and we've explained over and over that HE is in control of his behavior which will influence the degree of privileges he is allowed including visits home.

    I again told him that I would NOT get in the middle of this and that it was up to him to discuss this with his easy child. He said that his easy child won't give him a clear answer. My guess is that his easy child is in no way going to do that as they have evaluations every two weeks, and he won't be CERTAIN whether or not he'll allow our son to visit home until later in the week when they do the evaluations.

    He got upset and told me that he felt it was wrong for me to not do this "little thing" for him because his visit home would be "to the benefit of the whole family." Now, I'm not buying into the that cr-p, really, but I have started to wonder if I'm detaching myself a bit TOO much. It's not that I don't care--I care VERY much and am DYING to call his easy child and ask. But, I don't want to because then I would be allowing myself to get emotionally "hooked" again in a situation I have no control over.

    Our son has known for at least a month that he stood the chance of a few-days-to-a week-long visit home over the Easter school break, IF he made his status. My feeling is that, if he really WANTED to earn that visit, he would have done it by now. If he hasn't done what he needs to do, then he won't be coming home--simple as that.

    Not my issue, not my problem. In fact, he has had the opportunity to visit home every other weekend for the entire five months he's been in the program and has only mangaged to earn his status to do so once.

    So, what do you all think???? Am I being too cold?
     
  2. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #3333FF"> too cold? not in the least!

    he knows if he's eligible to come home for easter. he knows if he's cooperated in the few things they are asking of him (which by the way is NOT all that much). what he really wants you to do is renegotiate the deal with-the easy child. he figures once he hooks you in again you will try & talk the easy child into letting him come home whether he's earned it or not.

    in my opinion you are doing the right thing. stay the h*ll out of this. on the one hand he insists he's an adult & deserves to be treated as such, but as soon as he wants something to go his way & it doesn't he's whining to his mom. arrrgh!

    here are the two pat phrases that come to mind....do to get & man up, kiddo. they both mean essentially the same thing.

    somehow i doubt you'd be seeing all that much of him if he came home for easter. early release is an earned privilege. he should be more worried about getting kicked back to a juvie facility since he is continues to try to get over.

    easy child has given him far more chances than i would have if i were in charge.

    i know you're frustrated & you have every right to be. he's smart enough to realize that he could fake his way through this with-very little effort. he refuses to do even that much. i'd so want to shake him till his teeth fell out.

    stay strong. it's the best shot he has.

    kris
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