Dragon Lady

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Liahona, Oct 14, 2011.

  1. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    This is mostly a vent.

    Dragon Lady visited today. We talked on the front porch. She said she had noticed we hadn't been coming to church. (Gee, wonder why?) Asked how we were. I said "fine". Then she asked specifically how difficult child 1 was. I said "fine". She asked "So he's still allowed to go to school?" I had to process that one for 1/2 a sec. I told her "I think you think he is much worse than he is". She asked "Does he still have an aide?" I said "yes, the same one he has had since school started." She got flustered and left very soon after that.

    Hello, he tried to hit his little sister with the piano bench. Yes, the behavior was bad. No, he is not going to go on a killing spree any time soon. I'm guessing in her mind there is no middle ground when it comes to mental health. You are either a easy child or a horrible killer. There is no gray area.

    I can not handle her right now. I have to much going on with the school, visitations, lawyers, ect.... Someone was supposed to arrange a meeting of church people but she has been busy and hasn't set it up yet.

    For those of you wondering who Dragon Lady is its from this post http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/fight-i-really-didnt-expect-church-43235/
     
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Wow, she has got some nerve. How old is this woman? She sounds like one of those OLD people from the generation where anyone that wasn't "normal" got locked away in a closet somewhere to simply exist. I would have told her to get with the times. Wow!
     
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    She looks older 60's. So, yeah. I'm trying to be patient. Its a big leap from the attitude of institutionalize all of "them" to inclusion. There are some awesome older people around though. So not all older people think like this. I doubt she could pick out difficult child 1 from the rest of the kids around here.
     
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    yes TeDo, that is what I was thinking....And add to it sounds judgemental, like why would she go and say that to a mom if she really was concerned. Instead she is questioning like she knows better. Ug. Not at all living her faith if you ask me. I'd rather not go to church and live my life as God intended me to, honest and caring for other people.
    We have not been able to go to church for many years. He actuallysits in church pretty well because he likes visitor packs and things. But he wants to join the kids and we have found no where that though they may start out saying they are inclusive of kids with disabilities, they can't wrap their heads around this kind of cognitive challenge. Too bad. He has actually put me in my place by reminding me that this is how God made him and he can't help it.

    Why does she even come up to you? That seems kind of jr. high.
     
  5. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    She is exactly the kind of people I avoid!
    I think you reacted very well.
    Although it would be tempting to tell her to get lost, you're right to stay polite and not lower yourself to her level.
    Keep you head up and let those kind of people go. They don't need to cluster your life.
    If finding a church is hard, remember you can live your faith everywhere. Church would provide some socialization, but you definitely don't need that kind of socialization!
     
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hi Liahona. If it's of any comfort (not much, probably :)), I can tell you that Dragon Lady's twin sister is living in my village in France! And their tactics are so similar... My DL first saw J at the school carnaval when he was racing around rather wildly and (probably, though I can't remember) not listening to me when I asked him to calm down. Every time I have since her then, almost the first thing she says, very pointedly, is "and how IS your son at school?" Which translates, very transparently as, "Is your son as much of a complete hooligan inside school as he clearly is outside it?"
    Just know... these people exist the world over and your best response is to smile sweetly at her poison and, to the extent you can, let it go... :)
     
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, you are saint. I so would have said something not at all polite! Hugs to you!
     
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You adjusted your halo to just the right position. Somehow I was hoping that your Plan B had resolved the problem with your husband helping you at the earlier service. Sorry to know it is an ongoing issue. Hugs. DDD
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You have more patience and kindness than I do. I would probably take a close look at DragonLady and her life and start asking pointed questions or doing little things to upset her enough to leave me the heck alone. She seems like the kind of lady who probably feels she is dressed "just right" and that everyone else is a big slob.

    Next time you see her, take a mint out of your purse or have her stay on the porch (Wait right here just a moment, then LOCK the door/screen door so she clearly can't get it) and go get a mint) and oh-so-sweetly give it to her and tell her that you know she wouldn't want anyone else to notice her little problem and the mint will fix it.

    Or get the lint roller and proceed to get a few bits of lint off of her sweater or ask her to turn - of course say that you are SURE that she wouldn't want to walk around with "this" stuck on the back of her skirt/pants and of course you won't tell anyone how messy her clothes were - or what she was doing!

    NOTHING you are saying can be objected to when she is speaking to others. Not with-o making it sound like she is being ugly to someone who was trying to help her. Of course the implications of the mint could range from simple bad breath (and of course in her own mind DraagonLady's breath is made of everything great and is never bad smelling) to a secret swig from a bottle of liquor. YOU don't say anything about bad breath, liquor, etc.... Just say what I said very sweetly, maybe give her a wink at the end IF you can make it look natural and conspiratorial, just between us girls kind of thing.

    The lint could be on her shirt, pants (or skirt) or wherever. If you use on of those lint rollers that are made of sheets of tape then you will ALWAYS pick up something from a piece of cloth. So she can't say that there isn't anything because of course the roller will show something. If you mention something on the back of her skirt/pants, it could imply a LOT of things - all without you ever offering ANY opinion toher than that you are happy to help her so that "everyone" doesn't know what she had all over her pretty skirt/pants/shirt.

    She cannot even politely object because it makes her sound churlish and then YOU could go to the congregation and tell someoen that DL was at your house and had something stuck to the back of her clothes and you cannot imagine what she would have been on to have gotten it stuck to the back of her, but she sure got upset when you tried to help her get rid of it.

    Some people won't leave you alone until you are not fun to prey on any more. Esp bullies and that is what she is. That old advice that the bully will get tired of picking on you if you don't give him a reaction is bs, in my opinion. the bully has fun picking on you and getting reactions from others. Your reaction is just icing if you get upset, but the cake is how the other people react. Bullies WILL go away if you turn it around on them. they still won't like you, but if you turn the tables they find easier prey - and there is always easier prey.
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sigh...so sorry its still ongoing. Just know all older folks arent like that but some are. I was so afraid my step-mom and dad were going to be awful about my kids. Especially Cory. Actually they were really great about them. Now not to say they put up with any nonsense out of them but they backed us up no matter what we had to do. Medication? Absolutely 100% our decision and if we felt it was the right thing to do, then it must be the right answer. When we had to send Cory to his many out of home placements, they never once doubted me. In fact, they came to several of the parents days to see him and make him feel like his family supported him. I really appreciated that.

    The only time my father ever came down hard on Cory was when Cory attempted to change a check that my father sent him that was written for $25 to $125. The bank caught it before they cashed it and they notified my father. Cory was in a group home at the time and my dad had sent the check directly to him at the home. I was horribly embarrassed when my father sent me a letter telling me about it...as if I had something to do with it and could have stopped him. He was rather pissy with me too. Cory was 17 at that time. My dad didnt send Cory another check for his birthday or Xmas which is how my dad gave gifts, for the next 5 years. I think he started sending him a check maybe the year after Keyana was born. We were all shocked when he did. Cory had actually given up. Believe you me, Cory was thrilled and never took that man for granted again. He apologized so much. I think that was one of the reasons my dad's death hit him so hard. He still didnt think he had turned around enough for his Papa to be proud of him. His papa was.
     
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It does sound like an "old people" thing but it also sounds like a "easy child parent/grandparent" thing. There is a lonliness that goes with difficult child parenting that only difficult child parents can understand. If you haven't walked in our shoes you just can't really "get it". It's sad but it's true.

    on the other hand (not wanting to loose my halo on the Board) when we go out to dinner or a rare movie I make sure I am not near potentially crying babies or screaming children. Sometimes chaos is caused by lousy parents (as in Star's post about crying kids the other day) and other times it is caused by difficult child issues that are a real problem. But..from afar it's hard to tell. Although I have dedicated endless hours as a child advocate, on my rare times out I want to avoid potential disturbances.

    The visitor's intentions may have been curiosity, guilt or her way of trying to figure it out. Unless she is not known for following the tenets of your congregation I'd try to let it go and hope the future meeting finds an inclusive method of dealing with difficult child and the other family members. I can only imagine how hard it for you, Lithonia, feeling isolated from your church. Hugs. DDD
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I would let your pastor know about the visit. He needs to be kept in the loop. You could mention it when you ask how plans are coming along for the meeting...

    Marg
     
  13. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I think she visits because of a mixture of guilt and curiosity. I don't think she is doing it to be mean. If I were in a better emotional state it'd be a great teaching opportunity. I'm not being nice because I'm a saint. I just don't think well in new situations. I do well in IEPs because I've been to so many of them.

    Susie I'm glad your my friend. Wow, you have some good suggestions and you nailed her personality. I don't think I'll do them but I will be tempted.

    I e-mailed the lady from the county health that is supposed to be setting up the meeting again. She is really busy and I think a church mtg is falling threw the cracks. I'll e-mail her and ask for the contact info for the church rep. that is supposed to be at the mtg. Maybe the church rep can set it up.

    Marg, the preacher has a bad case of avoiditus. And my PTSD is acting up. Men and my PTSD don't mix well. I'll try the church rep first.

    I really don't need this now. Thank you for being here.
     
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