Hi Brandi. Welcome. I'm glad you found us. A couple of suggestions, if that is your real name, you may want to change it to something which will not identify you. And, if you want, please put a signature at the bottom of your posts, as you see we have, so we can easily recall who you are and what your story is, it's easier to support you that way.
I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter. It is very painful as a parent to not only watch your daughter act out in the way she is, but also to put up with abuse. Many of us here struggle with similar issues. You are not alone. You haven't mentioned if your daughter has any mental or emotional issues or if she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, all of which would make your daughter act out in the way she is. It's helpful for us to know that so we can better understand and try to offer you advice/support/empathy/suggestions.
Since your daughter has now reached that magic age of adulthood, you have more options. First of all, you do not have to put up with that kind of disrespectful, violent, abusive behavior from her. What many of us have done, is to put a time limit on when you want her to adhere to certain guidelines, for instance, get a job, attend therapy and take any necessary medication, contribute to the household finances, do chores, exhibit respectful behavior, offer courtesy in terms of comings and goings and knowledge of that........pretty much anything you want and think is important. It is your house and you pay the bills, you have all the power. You offer a specific eviction date and what your expectations are, then if she doesn't adhere to those expectations, she will need to leave. Of course, if she is violent or abusive before that date, then you definitely need to call the police. You should NEVER permit abusive behavior.
If she does not meet your criteria, then evict her. You will need to check in with what your state laws are about eviction, some states, like where I live require legal action even if it is your own child and this has been their home. Then there is a time limit given, perhaps 30-90 days, and then here in CA. a sheriff escorts the evicted party away from your property. If you believe she will not meet your expectations, then it may be prudent for you to begin the eviction process NOW, Let her know the date and if she doesn't leave, call the sheriff.
This may all sound dramatic and weird, but here on this board we all know how devastatingly painful our kids behavior can make our lives. We understand the resentments, the angers, the sorrow, the depletion, the financial and emotional drain, the disappointments, the death of our dreams for them, the sense of failure, the guilt.................all of it. We also understand the powerlessness and lack of control we have over their choices. However, what we can do is insist on being treated respectfully, demand certain guidelines be adhered to and if those rules aren't met, we have the right, the authority and hopefully, eventually, the self preservation and self respect, to insist they move out. No one has to walk on eggshells in their own home, or deal with someone who is abusive, rude, disrespectful, arrogant, manipulative and cruel.
In most towns there are shelters where your daughter can go. You can look online, call your local Social Services, do a little research. If she cannot meet your requirements for treating you in a decent way and be helpful and act respectfully, then you can hand her the options for housing, and let her know that by that end date, she will need a job or a room, or whatever, but that without behaving in a proper way, she will suffer the natural consequences. Let's face it, no one else would allow that behavior. She has to learn that life has consequences and we are all responsible for our actions. In the absence of that, stuff that you really don't want to happen, happens. She may learn from all of that, or she may not. I don't know if she has any diagnoses, but even if she does and refuses medication, you needn't be the whipping post for her bad behavior. She is holding you hostage in YOUR home with her bad behavior. Only YOU can stop it, she won't, it works for her. It doesn't work for you, so change it. We may be powerless to change or fix or control them, but we have the right to respond and react differently, so do that. Take your power back from this rude child and set strong unbreakable boundaries that take care of you and any others that may live in the household.............your house, your rules. She breaks them, she needs to know the consequence is that she loses the privilege of your generosity.
This is hard, I know, like many here, I've walked in your shoes..............I can empathize. Keep posting, venting, it helps. Get yourself support in some manner, 12 step groups, if that fits, therapy, parent groups, find places to get your needs met, take care of YOU. You've been dealing with this for 4 years now, she is escalating, stop it now. We can get entrenched in their drama and watch our own lives slip away as we attempt to control theirs and fix it. We can't.
Again, welcome and keep coming back, you're in the right place.
