Drama, oh drama! And I have no clue what has really happened, if much anything at all

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, Dec 13, 2012.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    difficult child is, again, at crisis. :sigh: Seems to be bimonthly occurrence this fall. At least it has mostly been two steps forward, one step back till now. I’m sorry that this is not going to make much sense, but it is because I don’t really get it either. difficult child wasn’t being the most coherent.

    I was at Church Christmas concert and when I came out I noticed I had six unanswered calls from difficult child and one from his positional coach. I called back to difficult child and it was chaos. He sounded like he was in panic, his girlfriend was screaming and being hysteric on the background and their puppy was barking and sounding scared. So not good at all. difficult child’s team had a Christmas party for fans today and apparently difficult child has bolted from there middle of it because someone was being obnoxious and is afraid of consequences. He has also had some other disciplinary troubles earlier this week that involved him jumping up and down stairs for three hours over a tissue on the floor. Or it had something to do with pop corn. I really didn’t get that one.

    As I said, a girlfriend was hysterical (and maybe drunk, sounded like that), screaming and calling names and sounded like she was sure difficult child would be booted from the team over this and was worried what would happen then. She was also angry with either difficult child talking with me or difficult child using our first language to do so and quite offensive. During the call she was at times closer and farther away from difficult child but several times difficult child asked her not to push him or slap or scratch him. That is what I’m most worried right now. difficult child isn’t physically violent and tends to flight rather than fight. But if girlfriend corners him bad enough, he may push her to get away. girlfriend is petite, difficult child is anything but. That could turn ugly quickly.

    I tried to talk difficult child to leave the flat. I told him that the puppy was scared because of them fighting and that he should take a puppy and go to walk and cool down. I’m not sure if he did that. He sounded totally stuck. The way he at times ends up there he is not able to think rationally but just sticks to one thought or thing. Now it was how he had screwed up and how everything was going to Hades. To be honest I think he is exasperating and catastrophising. I’m already home and no one has called husband or tried to call me again. If he had really screwed up big time, we would likely have a call from his agent already. I doubt difficult child is answering the calls he may be getting, at least he isn’t answering mine.

    Times like this I really hate we live three hours away. Of course I don’t know if meddling would be for any help, but just now I would so much want to be able to go there and make sure difficult child and girlfriend stay away from each other till they have calmed down. I did call back to positional coach, but he didn’t answer. It is just nerve-wracking to get these pits and pieces and not to know what is happening.

    If difficult child gets himself kicked out (and if he hasn’t done something outrageous like hit a fan or something, he says he just run away, didn’t even say anything to obnoxious fan) it is a shame but not the end of the world. His agent has been receiving several ‘fresh start/clean slate’ early inquiries for him lately. Thing is that he is not on need of fresh start but the back wall that doesn’t give in and doesn’t have loopholes but forces him to change direction. And he does have that one there he is. And it is total deluxe model with just enough cushion and flexibility to cause headache and some lumps and have a real feel when you bang your head against it, but provides enough cushions to not cause any long term injuries. And also provides a great bounce when he finally decides to make a turn. But even if he falls from that, his talent will still buy him some more chances.

    I have a pit of my stomach and again nothing I can do. I hate how perfectly nice evening can turn to this with one phone call. :sigh:
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2015
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I feel frustrated when I read your posts because I SO much want to be of help and yet I don't really understand the life circumstances you are facing. One thing I know for sure is that you love your family from the depth of your heart and I keep hoping life will chill out soon for you. Keeping my fingers crossed that this crisis has passed. Hugs DDD
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You must've been so scared. I can't imagine that walking away from an abusive fan would drive his girlfriend into such a state, or that it would be something punishable by being kicked off the team. Poor puppy, too.
    I hope things have settled down and you get the real story. Take care.
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Some relief. He did leave the flat. Now his girlfriend called (definitely drunk, that likely explains her hysterics) and was still hysteric - over difficult child not putting jacket on puppy when he left. And not answering her calls. I told her that puppy is furry enough not to freeze in this weather and small enough that difficult child can carry it under his jacket if she gets cold. She hadn't been in the event, but in some student sled hill party (explains why she seems to be drunk), doesn't know what really happened and reason she is freaking out is apparently that some of her friends said team is trying to get rid of difficult child because of his hard times this fall. No idea why she thinks her friends would know anything and she should know it doesn't work that way. And no, they are not trying to get rid of difficult child (they may loan him to somewhere for a month or two but that is a different matter.)

    I also don't know why difficult child thinks he screwed up that badly. Of course with him you never know how much he told about the story, but if it is even close to objective truth, he will more likely pay some fines for ditching the event that is part of his work but not much more. My gut says that this is more the difficult child's anxieties talking than anything else. But of course I don't know what really has happened.

    I send difficult child a SMS and asked him to call when he has calmed down, no point trying to call him again and again and making him more anxious. Usually his brains start to work again after some peace and quiet and he can be more rational, but I think that right now he is totally stuck to this certain thought and can't really think much at all.

    I hope his coach calls me back and tells me what is really going on.
  5. SuZir - I'm glad difficult child left the house to calm down. It sounds like girlfriend was just making the situation worse - being drunk and all.

    I like that you sent difficult child a text to ask him to call when he was calmer - good idea.

    I hope you hear from the coach soon so you can find out what truly happened and what the consequences will be. Hugs to you and I hope that it is something very minor that just caused difficult child to overreact. If so this would be a great time to let difficult child see that his reaction was far beyond what was necessary and his stress was all for nothing. Hopefully you don't have too many of these before difficult child starts to learn that overreacting only makes the situation more difficult and he can find other ways to cope. Do his coaches use these situations as teaching tools and give him alternative ways to handle things in the future?
  6. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Much ado over nothing, or over very little at least. That it turned out to be once again. I probably never get used to what a drama queen extraordinaire my difficult child is. He doesn't do it on purpose, I think, I have to give him that. And he is the one who suffers a most, and for that moment it is very real to him, so not much use of getting angry with him. :sigh:

    I had a long chat with his coach. Reason he had given me a call was something mostly different than this day's escapades. It was good to hear more objective version about all that. difficult child had really bolted middle of the event, but it had been after he had done his assigned tasks, there was only fifteen minutes or less left and not much anyone even noticed he went missing. And there had really been this erratic and obnoxious guy who had harassed also some other players than difficult child before he was escorted out. In fact according the coach difficult child had done well. This kind of events tend to be little difficult and uncomfortable for many less experienced players who have not used to that kind of attention and especially for those with more introverted personality. So they had made sure difficult child was placed to a nice structured activity for smaller kids with several adult helpers to keep it organized. And apparently he did good, even made some new very devoted fans for himself in under four feet category (and among their moms.) That activity had ended and he was going around giving autographs when he bolted. Coach had talked with their sports director and they were planning to scold difficult child tomorrow, talk with him about why he bolted instead of choosing some better way of action (like going to security and asking them to escort the guy out or simply going to tell about a guy to some of other players or team management if he didn't know what to do) and punish him depending his attitude over it. Likely punishment is to 'make up' the skipped work by doing something else, likely helping team's service managers if they can come up with something for him to do for hour or two. Doesn't sound worth much dramatics, does it?

    Stair jumping-incident was more a reason for his call. difficult child has according to coach been antsy, irritative and all the way difficult whole week. Has been trying to pick fight especially with the coach but also with some others. Coach then give him that and coach really ended up making difficult child jump stairs for hours (or 'two and half hours, 2.45 at tops, he is exasperating' if you believe the coach) because he declined to pick up a trash he had thrown past the waste basket. And pop corns were involved, coach made a show about it and made himself some pop corns and explained to difficult child that if he demands to make display out of himself he will honour it with right accessories. And it really took difficult child that long before he decided he would rather go to pick a trash than continue jumping. So yeah, he certainly was giving some serious attitude to the coach. Okay, difficult child was probably stuck also during that, but he did bring it to himself. And one of his saving graces is a great sense of self irony, so when he calms down he will be able to laugh for that one. I personally think the coach has patience of the saint, because he just didn't crab the nearest bat and beat some sense to him with it. I mean, two and half hours over picking a trash he threw on the floor?!? He is nineteen for G** sake!:groan:

    Coach wanted to know if I know if difficult child have something new going on in his personal life or is this just his frustration over difficult fall and nothing going like difficult child would hope for. He also tried to pry if there is anything going on with the former coach and him maybe intervening, some rivalry going on between them I guess. Not getting involved with that.

    The thing he is worried with difficult child's behaviour is that his trust issues seem to be getting worse. He is doing better with many of the goals in his behavioural plan, but not with that. Instead he is not talking almost anything personal to the coach any more, is quiet among the team, doesn't seem to trust any of them. And newest one is that he isn't trusting their massage therapists. He doesn't ask to be massaged and when he is reminded about it, he is evasive and then skips an appointment. And if they get him to the table he doesn't relax. He doesn't actually decline from it, probably because he knows he needs it, but he does his best to not make it work. That is not totally new to him, apparently masseurs have always had to make it very calm and private around him to get him to relax and he has seemed to trust only other of their masseurs, but now even the things that used to work don't work any more.

    difficult child's mental coach is tied up with other client far away from home, but the coach tries to have at least a phone meeting with him to talk about these things before Christmas. He called me to give me heads up and to get my input.

    So difficult child definitely over reacted big time. He did calm up eventually and called me. not happy with himself, but at least calm. I think we will have a discussion about this when he comes home. Didn't feel having it over the phone.

    I also don't like about how his girlfriend behaved. Okay, her dramatics can be explained by her coming from the party and being tipsy. Some people get melodramatic when they are drunk and no one is their most logical then. And I'm sure most of us would get upset if we felt our SO is jeopardising their workplace by behaving irresponsible and stupid. I give her that. But I really don't like the things she was saying to difficult child while we were talking on the phone. Some were degrading. I certainly don't like that she was pushing, slapping and apparently scratching difficult child. Okay, difficult child is feet taller and 80 pounds heavier than her and not likely to get seriously hurt or even afraid if she only uses her hands. But still no one should be submitted to violence on their own home.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2015
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I spoke briefly with difficult child again. He ended up only getting a scolding and warning that his habit of fleeing is getting old very fast, no punishments other than having to come up with at least five better ways to handle situations like that. I guess he was also rebuked for worrying me, because he did apologised for that and sounded like he had given a lot of thought for how it feels for me to have those kind of phone calls. I doubt he would had come up with that on his own. He also apologised for her girlfriend over her being rude when she called me (she was, but again she was drunk and hysteric, so I guess it is understandable that she felt I was dismissive to her worries over puppy getting cold.) Anyway I told difficult child that while those calls didn't make my night better I would rather have a call from him when he is distressed than him not reaching out to anyone. I guess I'm not yet ready to detach to the degree where I wouldn't want to have those calls. He just feels so young still.

    WTW: difficult child's team and coaches are very supportive to him and do try to teach him. They got him very young, they knew they were taking in a troubled teen and they were ready for him to be a project both on the field and out of it. Because of the circumstances he is a bargain and they hope that with some work he could turn out to be a gem. That is why we are so happy that he is there. They did sign up for this and knew what they were getting and are ready to do a work to polish rough edges out of difficult child. They pay difficult child barely enough for him to have a roof over his head and food in his mouth (which is clearly under his market price) but the support, coaching etc. makes up for it.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2012
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    The coaching situation does sound ideal. The general lifestyle is something hard to wrap my head around ....he has such talent but the stress and scrutiny sounds like a big trigger for him. No easy answers because he likely would still have issues without this and at least he has support.
    I was wondering...he started medications right? Many of us have had experiences where as the medications build up our difficult child ends up having more issues. Anxiety or aggression or panic attacks or shutting down or, or, or..... just wondering if these changes--getting so stuck and panicked? Might be related???
  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Buddy, thanks, hadn't thought about medications in this. of course right now it is very difficult for anyone to say which could be about medications, which is environmental. difficult child's sport struggles have continued and he has had some big disappointments lately. This type of situation would be a huge stressor for any young athlete but of course difficult child is more prone than the most. His struggles are not the end of the world or even his sport career, but that is something that is very difficult for any 19-year-old athlete to believe. They say that tough times strengthen the character, but it is so darn hard when you are in the middle of them. Good news is that in some ways difficult child is soldiering on better than expected, he isn't about to give up, he isn't slacking on his practising, he is not talking about quitting, he isn't even bad mouthing his coach and blaming him (at least not that much) and all those could had been expected, they are kind of 'normal reaction' for this kind of situation (and yeah, the situation is common enough that coaches etc. do know how kids usually react when they hit this type of the wall.)

    difficult child really started BuSpar some time ago. After a month it seemed that some things they are monitoring (sleep, irritability, resting heart rate etc.) had gotten better, but difficult child wasn't feeling much difference. difficult child and team's medical staff record stuff like this (I think other than heart rate changes, which is also an information they need for training, difficult child's is keeping sleep diary and documenting anxiety attacks and giving every day a grade for his anxiety level for the day, staff is also marking daily how they see his anxiety level. They are very systematic and through on it and try to find if and how the medications influence these patterns. I think difficult child has his next psychiatrist appointment in early January and I'm sure they go through that data then. I have to tell difficult child to ask about possibility of a medication in fact escalating things instead of helping.

    There has been times this fall I have thought about how much easier some things would be if difficult child would quit sport. But I do know he doesn't want to do that and he would likely have huge regrets over that later if he did. And then again, while it would take a lot of pressure off, it wouldn't fix difficult child. And it would also take off a lot of excellent support he is getting and it would be giving up his strengths. Because of the sport he at least has to keep trying with other parts of his life, especially socially. If he would be your average college student, it would be so easy for him to exclude and isolate himself.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    SuZir, I missed this........I am sorry you also picked up the phone to high drama, it doesn't do our Mom hearts any good. It is what it is. It does sound as if there was a resolution and your difficult child saw the error of his ways and how it impacted you. Perhaps,for us, that's as good as it gets, I don't know. But I do know how weary it makes you to be so powerless so far away hearing the intensity in their voices, the hurt, the anger, yes, it is very hard. Many hugs to you.................I wish you peace.
  11. SuZir - It really sounds like your difficult child has a wonderful group of people surrounding him with his sports team and coaching. It is great for him to have such support.

    I'm glad that it wasn't anything major and he only got a scolding. It seems like he has recovered pretty quickly from it, has thought about it (like you said) and is moving forward with a positive (for the most part) attitude. That is definitely a positive outcome for this. I'm glad it turned out ok - sorry it happened at all.
  12. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I had a longer chat with him today, mostly about Christmas things but some also about this and how he is feeling. He is quite sheepish over his over reaction. I did tell him again that he can call me if he is distressed, I may not be able to help but I may be able to give him some motherly advises and at least listen. While those calls of course make me feel bad, I would feel worse if he was distressed and with no one to call. I have firmly desided not to get anyway involved with his relationship with his girlfriend, but I had to censor myself quite hard not to say anything about no one having to stand verbal or physical abuse in their own home.

    difficult child doesn't tell me much about his therapy but I asked if he planned to tell the therapist about what happened after their Holiday break is over and if he think they could work with therapist to develop some strategies to handle the situations where he starts to mull something in his mind and it starts to get bigger and bigger. He said they are working rather intensively with something else now but that he had promised to his coach he would talk about what happened with his mental coach when they meet next time. So at least he seems to recognize this a maladaptive pattern he does have. I think that is a lot considering how un-self-aware (that isn't a word I think, hope you get it anyway. And how I should say that one?) he was for example two years ago or even year and a half. He has come a long way.

    Part of it is certainly his personality. He has always been one intense, high-strung boy, he will likely always be like that. Some of it is a current situation, it is difficult to struggle with your job, especially when you have so high hopes and have done so much for it. But all that considered he still seems very vulnerable, fragile and emotional. Even when he seems to be doing well (and in many ways he is), it seems that he has to try so hard. I have read, and his psychiatrist did warn him, that trauma therapy can be very hard and can cause a lot of havoc to person's life during it. that things can get much worse before they start to get better, when old traumas are taken out in the open and worked over. I do wonder if part of this; anxiety, being highly emotional, trust issues getting worse, not wanting to be touched etc. are about that and not something that is currently wrong in his world. Maybe some of this is something nothing can be done in this point but just have to be ridden out?
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Those calls are hard to get, aren't they? I admire the way you are handling all of this. I doubt many of us could watch our kids (easy child or difficult child) be in this situation and not worry or not want to be there emotionally on the phone when our child was upset. That is part of the whole "Mom" title, in my opinion.

    It is great that he can see how those calls are hard for you, and that he is thinking about that. A true sign of maturity happening. One phrase that has often helped me through rough times with a kid is "Progress, not perfection." I think most of us can stand reminders of that, and it is esp true of the perfectionist difficult children among us!

    The trust issues are troubling. Would he perhaps be able to use a guided meditation tape or progressive relaxation technique to help with the massage therapy? Trust is a hard issue for many people, and with difficult child's anxiety it is an even bigger hurdle.

    When I went away to college I had severe migraines. I almost always called my parents when I had one. This was before imitrex existed and honestly? I often get to the point that I would prefer to be dead and it is a fear of mine that I will hurt or kill myself when I have one, thinking not of my life but of just making the pain stop. When I lived at home my mother would rub my head a certain way and that would help, but being hundreds of miles away at college, that was not an option. My folks began talking me through progressive relaxation exercises until I could fall asleep and it helped amazingly. I didn't have your difficult child's trust issues, but having you talk him through would likely allow him to learn the techniques or if maybe you could do this during a massage or two, it would help?

    Just a thought. I hope that he stays with this team as it seems like a truly wonderful, supportive, nurturing environment in spite of all the stress.

    As for the girlfriend? So many people think a large man cannot be abused, but society tells men to be careful, to never hit a woman, not to complain or 'whine', and this leaves them open to abuse, esp if the abuser is a female who is much smaller. I would likely give the head coach or mental coach or his psychiatrist the info that his girlfriend hits and scratches him when they argue. Drunk is no excuse for that.
  14. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Relaxation techniques could be something he could use to handle massage therapy. He is quite well versed to use them and his mental coach is working with him to use and benefit more from them. but of course first he would have to admit he is having a problem with massage. Now he is apparently just 'forgetting', that his masseur told him five minutes ago that he wants to see difficult child in his table fifteen minutes from now and somehow disappears. difficult child doesn't acknowledge that he is avoiding getting a massage and while I do see that as an sign of his worsening trust issues and I find that very worrying, especially then, to my knowledge, this people have not done anything to give difficult child a reason to trust them less than before, it is simply not something I want to get involved with. To be honest I don't want to use my Christmas to fight with him over his muscle care. I will leave that to be someone else's headache. I may however pry a little if something has happened that has left him him unable to trust these people. I doubt that though. Of course it can be some vicious cycle that started from something very small, like masseur being little impatient with him in a very bad moment, or something like that. Has happened before and with difficult child things that start from really small can end up big.

    With girlfriend violent behaviour i really don't know hoe to react. Talking to someone else about it could be easily considered breaking his trust by difficult child. And because they have such a size difference there is always a real risk people would just consider it funny and laugh at him. For some reason violent behaviour in girls is nowadays considered at times almost cute, feisty and almost admirable in our society. And it shows, studies show that nowadays teen boys are much more often victims of relationship violence than teen girls. That violence is not usually that serious, but with adults I think that it was almost half (40 or 45 %) of the serious domestic violence that was committed by women in my country (with serious they mean usually life threatening). Still the public assumption is something totally else. And then there is of course verbal ad emotional abuse. I really didn't like some comments from difficult child's girlfriend I heard during that first phone call. Degrading comments about things that aren't to change (like ethnic background etc.) are just not okay even during the fight. Of course I don't know if this was just a one time thing, I haven't witnessed anything like that between the two of them before. Still don't like it.
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2012
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    About the massage stuff... it doesn't have to be a trust issue. Could be sensory.
  16. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Good thought. This is new/getting worse problem, but still anxiety does heighten his sensory issues so they are probably worse right now than usually. His sensory issues haven't usually been that kind though. Firm touch hasn't been a problem for him, in fact he have liked it (deep pressure also works well with him.) But it is certainly something I may ask from him/tip his coach. They did sum it up as a trust issue because he is definitely showing those and if I understood it correctly they have also considered his earlier, milder, problems with this as trust thing and addressed them as that and it has helped before.