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Drove 4 hours to talk to difficult child yesterday, went well. He comes home Wed for TGiving...
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 484382"><p>Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement - and Janet - I would love your recipe for Oyster stew. Sounds delish - oysters are $$$ here (you wouldn't want to eat the kind that come out of Lake Michigan LOL)</p><p></p><p>Ds came home around 4pm on Wednesday and actually stayed home that night, ate dinner with us, watched tv with his youngest brother. easy child 2 went out for the evening and H and I actually went out to meet friends for late night drinks - a good friend was back in town after moving away. It was very nice to have an evening out -- I had responded "maybe" to the invitation because I was not sure how things would go with difficult child's homecoming- it was nice to be able to actually go. </p><p></p><p>My h and pcs ran a 5k the morning of Thanksgiving and then we headed to my sister in law's for "dinner" at NOON. (hate the early time) difficult child was well dressed and groomed, and very quiet, a little wan. My other sister in law-the recovering gambler in GA - cornered me (nicely) for details about difficult child and I told her about my appointment with the therapist and the trip to college to set the guidelines. About 15 minutes later, my brother corned difficult child for a talk. I'd love to know what he said but have not inquired. I am reasonably confident it was good advice. </p><p></p><p>difficult child worked 8-6 on Friday and Saturday (outside in the cold pouring rain) and 10-2 on Sunday. He went out both nights but returned home on time (1:30). Had his younger brother drive him to his destination on Saturday - never asked for the car -which was a switch!</p><p></p><p>So, it was pretty much a non event. And I know that's good...and I know you all have far greater worries and experience a lot more drama - so I am not trying to look for trouble or pity. That said, it and HE was far different from son we "had" last year. He was always the instigator of fun, was overflowing with charm, wanted to stay up late to talk, to cook, to CONNECT. </p><p></p><p>No connection of any kind. NADA. I wish I could explain it better. It goes far beyond a boy turning into an independent man... He was totally disconnected from us. Not really to the point of in your face rudeness - but like a houseguest we didn't know very well. He slipped that he was struggling in a few classes so I don't know what is up with that and I DIDN'T PROBE. Not my $, not my problem.</p><p></p><p>H who had been hardball since difficult child left was all soft and mushy and wanted to stock him up with paper goods and kleenex, cleaning products, etc. I said "sure" but LET HIM ASK first. If he wants help - LET HIM ASK, he has to want us to help before we offer it. And difficult child didn't ask for anything. I did offer him some food for the road back, he declined. H snuck the last of the homemade cookies into his pocket. H thinks he was quiet because he feels like our lives have gone on without him and he is therefore sheepish. I don't agree. I think he has just drawn a line - like we are the bad guys - and will be polite but will not engage. H and I have to remind ourselves that difficult child is USING DRUGS, lying, probably dealing and totally floundering because of it. I wouldn't be surprised if decides to quit school and move out completely in the next year or so.</p><p> </p><p>I AM SO GLAD I SAW THE THERAPIST AND WE TOOK THE ADVICE TO GO UP EARLY. We were all on our best but guarded behavior, including difficult child. I think if we hadn't gone to see him, we would've been looking for the "right moment" to talk to him and it never would have happened. Or days would've passed. The therapist actually said "if you don't talk to him before he comes home, you will all be "pass the potatoes" like everything is OK." (basically losing our opportunity to reclaim control)</p><p></p><p>Again, I thank you all because I know in my heart that he is on the wrong path with drugs and that while your difficult children may have traveled further down that horrible path - my kid will likely get there too. You've given me the opportunity to learn and practice my coping skills and drilled into my head the "stop enabling" protocol and that's what keeps me from sweeping it all under the rug and sending him checks and letting him walk all over us like he did over the summer.</p><p></p><p>Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 484382"] Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement - and Janet - I would love your recipe for Oyster stew. Sounds delish - oysters are $$$ here (you wouldn't want to eat the kind that come out of Lake Michigan LOL) Ds came home around 4pm on Wednesday and actually stayed home that night, ate dinner with us, watched tv with his youngest brother. easy child 2 went out for the evening and H and I actually went out to meet friends for late night drinks - a good friend was back in town after moving away. It was very nice to have an evening out -- I had responded "maybe" to the invitation because I was not sure how things would go with difficult child's homecoming- it was nice to be able to actually go. My h and pcs ran a 5k the morning of Thanksgiving and then we headed to my sister in law's for "dinner" at NOON. (hate the early time) difficult child was well dressed and groomed, and very quiet, a little wan. My other sister in law-the recovering gambler in GA - cornered me (nicely) for details about difficult child and I told her about my appointment with the therapist and the trip to college to set the guidelines. About 15 minutes later, my brother corned difficult child for a talk. I'd love to know what he said but have not inquired. I am reasonably confident it was good advice. difficult child worked 8-6 on Friday and Saturday (outside in the cold pouring rain) and 10-2 on Sunday. He went out both nights but returned home on time (1:30). Had his younger brother drive him to his destination on Saturday - never asked for the car -which was a switch! So, it was pretty much a non event. And I know that's good...and I know you all have far greater worries and experience a lot more drama - so I am not trying to look for trouble or pity. That said, it and HE was far different from son we "had" last year. He was always the instigator of fun, was overflowing with charm, wanted to stay up late to talk, to cook, to CONNECT. No connection of any kind. NADA. I wish I could explain it better. It goes far beyond a boy turning into an independent man... He was totally disconnected from us. Not really to the point of in your face rudeness - but like a houseguest we didn't know very well. He slipped that he was struggling in a few classes so I don't know what is up with that and I DIDN'T PROBE. Not my $, not my problem. H who had been hardball since difficult child left was all soft and mushy and wanted to stock him up with paper goods and kleenex, cleaning products, etc. I said "sure" but LET HIM ASK first. If he wants help - LET HIM ASK, he has to want us to help before we offer it. And difficult child didn't ask for anything. I did offer him some food for the road back, he declined. H snuck the last of the homemade cookies into his pocket. H thinks he was quiet because he feels like our lives have gone on without him and he is therefore sheepish. I don't agree. I think he has just drawn a line - like we are the bad guys - and will be polite but will not engage. H and I have to remind ourselves that difficult child is USING DRUGS, lying, probably dealing and totally floundering because of it. I wouldn't be surprised if decides to quit school and move out completely in the next year or so. I AM SO GLAD I SAW THE THERAPIST AND WE TOOK THE ADVICE TO GO UP EARLY. We were all on our best but guarded behavior, including difficult child. I think if we hadn't gone to see him, we would've been looking for the "right moment" to talk to him and it never would have happened. Or days would've passed. The therapist actually said "if you don't talk to him before he comes home, you will all be "pass the potatoes" like everything is OK." (basically losing our opportunity to reclaim control) Again, I thank you all because I know in my heart that he is on the wrong path with drugs and that while your difficult children may have traveled further down that horrible path - my kid will likely get there too. You've given me the opportunity to learn and practice my coping skills and drilled into my head the "stop enabling" protocol and that's what keeps me from sweeping it all under the rug and sending him checks and letting him walk all over us like he did over the summer. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart. [/QUOTE]
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Drove 4 hours to talk to difficult child yesterday, went well. He comes home Wed for TGiving...
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