Dude attacked in foster home....

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
OMG! I am so sorry!
I'm sure he will turn up. If I were Dude, I would be hiding, too.
You will hear from him. Trust him.

Do NOT trust the foster dad. What a jerk. He's ashamed of his kids but he puts the blame on the kids? WHO is the foster dad, eh? Who is the mentor?

I would file my own police rept and hire a lawyer. These people need their foster care lic yanked. Now.

I am sending lots of warm, soft, comforting, calming hugs to Dude. Poor guy.

And for you and husband, too.
 
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Jena

New Member
No, no one should EVER hurt your kid and it's total bs!

I hope you locate him soon, I hope this theraputic bs home gets the cover blown off them for doing what they did.

I hope you are ok, just take deep breaths if you can. Keep us updated to what's going on.

((((Hugs)))))
 
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Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Star,
I'm so sorry. I'm hoping you have found him by now. Prayers being said for Dude.

I do think the foster care family needs to be held responsible!!!
 

Mattsmom277

Active Member
I'm so sorry Star, for you to learn of this and for Dude to be subjected to it. You got a ton of great ideas/advice above. There are laws to prevent just this type of thing. This wasn't other foster kids, or the foster parents bio kids who are young. These are ALL adults. Physical abuse is abuse. Period. They are criminally liable. Period. How dare that caseworker suggest that Dude can be out of services! This is obviously because the worker does NOT want this to be reported any higher in the agency. They want to get rid of Dude to sweep this under the rug. But then, more kids will be placed there. And if nobody acted to stop the attack, that means ALL of the people present are capable of the same thing. Otherwise they'd have stepped in and afterwards stepped up. If my grown son attacks anyone in my home, especially a foster child placed in my care, they would be heading out in cuffs to face the legal consequences. I would then apologize to Dude and ensure that he can feel safe in our home, that nobody has a right to hurt Dude. I'd have been open and honest with you as parent, and with the caseworker. No covering up.
This entire series of events is just that, a cover up!
Whatever happens from here out Star, I hope Dude knows that there are wonderful people out there, and sadly he got stuck somewhere with those that dont' make the cut. I would hate to see him find another reason to not trust people.

The biggest thing right now, where is Dude? I so hope you've found him!!!
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Star,
So sorry this has happend...Good Grief!

I hope you find Dude soon...am concerned about him.
Hope the Fosters are held accountable for letting their kids abuse Dude.

So glad you have DF in your life, specially in times like this.

Please keep us updated.
with Love and Care,
Tammy
 

mstang67chic

Going Green
Well carp. WTH is going on with these people? Is Dude OK?

There's a lot of he said/she said going on but judging by the foster dad's reactions, I'd say there's definately something hinky going on and it's on HIS family's side. by the way....do his adult kids live there? I know it differs from state to state but if they do, normally they should have their foster license too. Do they?

I hope the neighbor had the presence of mind to take pictures of any marks on Dude or the cops did.

Let us know if you've found him yet. This is too weird and I really hope he's ok. Call if you want to vent. Hugs.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Dude called his Dad. He's okay. They talked for a while and Dad gives pretty sound advice.

They talked for a while and Dude decided that he was going back to the foster home and talk to everyone. He said he needed to stay there. That if they rehomed him somewhere else he could be 40 miles away from his job and family (this is true) and he said he had a plan.

He was going back to the foster home and letting them know that first he was sorry for the cursing and swearing. It is a house rule, a huge no no and he broke that rule. He told his Dad that he knows it's wrong to grab, choke or hit someone, but he needs a place to stay for now and didn't believe this was going to happen any time again soon.

He's also going to let them know that if the adult children in his home ever lay a hand on him he is pressing charges. Plain and simple. He said that if the adult boyfriend of their daughter continued to mark up his clothes, and do little immature things or even threaten him in any way - he was calling the DSS hotline and reporting him for harrassment and abuse. Apparenly the "crazy" neighbor lady gave better advice than they thought. :tongue:

IN the end - it made me sick to think that Dude chose to go back there and live with the possibility of anything happening again like it did. He said to his Dad that the sad reality of it all was that while he would'nt be abused again - he needed them as much as they needed him. Should they be reported for foster care violtaions it's going to open up a nasty can of worms because they run the only local day care and have about 50 kids. I see many violations and end of income for all in that house. :surprise:- Again - crazy or not - BiPolar (BP) neighbor gave true and accurate info.

I know this too because instead of sitting around being upset and stressed I made some calls like you suggested. I got educated on what is and isn't legal and had my information on a notebook ready to make calls if it went bad for Dude. I looked up the licensing board for foster care and day care. Printed out the regulations.

Found out that Dude is supposed to be getting a quarterly allowance for clothes - has lived there a year and not gotten ONE single outfit. THe stuff they got him at Christmas was all too small and was "given" away to other kids they knew (groan). So they can either buck up for the last year or start NOW.....since everyone seems to have fun poking fun at his second hand attire. I sent for the brochure that states - kids get a quarterly allowance so it can just be pointed out to the fosters that Dude is aware of it. Let's say he picked it up at the last foster review. ;)

When it was all said and done Dude was very quiet and melancholy. We drove out to see if he was okay -He met us at the car and hugged me and kissed my cheek and said "I'm okay Momma really I'll be fine." I told him we had NO desire to rehash anything with his foster family and have found them to largely be liars. He said YUP....but I'm not going to be here long. Maybe this is the "what" he needed to start to open a savings acct.?

We picked up Dudes puppy and took it home with us. Actually there are two -one he intended to keep and another he rescued. He finally agreed to allow us to find a home for them. He's 18 and works all day - he has no time for a dog. We were surprised that he agreed to our terms, but said he was trying to do the right thing. They won't have trouble getting homes. More importantly he liked the stroking he got from both of us for doing the right thing for a living being. (that was huge)

So that's about the jist of it all. Am I angry still? Yes. Did I interfere and solve it for my 18 year old kid? Nope. Am I proud of him for solving his problems on his own? Yes, but a little sad at the fact that it worked out the way it did. He's right because they would put him somewhere else possibly far far away - that's how they "get" parents here to keep their kids at home. It's a scam. But it's stupid - because the kids that get sent away are mostly from the same area and when they get out they all "hook up" after making GOOD friends. (GROAN OUT LOUD). Here a severely emotionally disturbed kid gets assistance until he's 21. In Dudes case we're trying to hang on until next Fall because he's still on probation and all the supports (as useless as they are) are STILL accountable in the end for helping him be successful.

Driving away from his house last night I felt somewhere between sick to my stomach to thinking he solved his OWN problems at 18 and proud. At least he had a plan going to them last night that worked for him. I'm just glad he knows no one EVER has the right to hit you, push you, choke you or abuse you. He said he was fully aware of that.

So for now - it's over. DF said that it's nice to know that these people will at least be watching their P's & Q's for a while to come. Then pulled in and bought a huge bag of Puppy Chow and took the "boys" home. We are officially part of the lollipop guild for furry critters. :redface:

THanks for all your suggestions (they worked) and concern and prayers (those worked too).

Hugs & Love
Star
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
It sounds like Dude made a very rational and well-thought-out decision. It may be a difficult one, especially for you, but he made it with some forethought, which is pretty darn great for a difficult child. Let's hope the foster parents are scared enough to stay on their toes for now.

by the way, here too, kids have the option to stay in foster care till they're 21, it's up to them once they turn 18. It seems like a smart thing to do, to get a few more years of help under your belt before being on your own. The ones that turn it down tend to get into more trouble, I think.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Star--

I am so sorry to hear that after all you have done for your son and all of the things you have fought for, he is STILL being victimized by a system that is not paying attention to the needs of these kids....

I wish there was something I could do!

Sending ((((hugs)))) and support.

--DaisyF
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
I hope this works out for Dude and that nothing like this ever happens again while he's living with these people.

When "crazy bipolar neighbor" called the police after what she saw/heard what did the police do/say???

I hope you and the neighbor lady can keep in touch, that she will call you again if she sees/hears anything going on with them again.

I know what you're saying about Dude solving his own problems...I just hope that it truly can get better where he's living. Sounds like alot of tension/anger in that house. Volatile ya know. But like you said maybe they'll be watching their Ps and q's now. I sure hope so.

Whata deal...

Thinking of you,
With love and care,
Tammy
 

mstang67chic

Going Green
Another thought on foster regulations Star. At least here, when you are a foster parent, not only do you have to buy clothing every so often, but you also need to provide an allowance to the child out of the money the state gives you. Obviously this is age appropriate....if you are fostering a 6 month old, no allowance but put the money in a bank account. And you can attach stipulations....when we got difficult child for example, he had to do chores. If he did them, he got his allowance, if not, the money went into an account.

As for the clothing thing, with us, generally we met the requirement when we did back to school shopping. We would also need to buy new things during the year which kept us "current". Normally, case workers won't demand receipts and make sure this is followed to the letter but if it's brought up that NOTHING has been purchased with the per diem money, someone SHOULD say something to the FP's.

Also, just curious about something and you may have told me this but I've forgotten. Is there any kind of group home system through a mental health care provider in your area? difficult child gets his counseling (before he stopped, but he's signed back up again) and they have some group homes for young adults like difficult child. I know Dude had a carpy experience with the one but is there ANYTHING else that would be appropriate and where he would still be in the area and keep working? These people sound like .... well, like nothing I can say here and our Dude needs something better.

Tell that boy to keep his chin up and he's got some chicken livers out for him!
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
Star, it may not be the same here as where you are. But here, kids in the foster care system not only get a stipend several times a year for clothing, they are also supposed to be given an amount of cash (weekly or monthly) as 'allowance' for spending money. This comes out of the money the foster family receives for caring for the child. And the foster family is also given a certain amount of money at Christmas to be spent on gifts for the child. This is separate from any other clothing allowance that they may receive.

These people may have been getting this all along and just keeping it!
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Well, Star, I am glad that Dude was able to take the time he needed and figure out his plan for himself. And I am glad that he shared this with you while also putting up some nice healthy boundaries between you (and DF) and himself. In situations like this where my own difficult child wanted to handle things all on her own, there was usually more to the story than originally told. That's just my suspicious gut talking here, but I am thinking there may be more to this story with Dude as well. I hope that he's safe and that those people are kept on their toes while Dude remains in their custody. Still, my tummy is queasy over him being there altogether. Once he is outta there, I hope someone reports them and shuts them down.

Hugs, Starmom.
 

DazedandConfused

Well-Known Member
I'm glad to know that Dude is okay. He also sounds like to gave thought to his decision and considered his options-dubious as they may be.

((((hugs))))
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Glad Dude's all right. What a tough decision for him, but it seems that he thought it through and made appropriate choices. Hugs to you both.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
WOw - you guys are really up on whats what.

Lemme see if I can answer some stuff -

Okay when Dude first moved in - the FP told him that he could earn $20 a month if he did chores. This equated for $5.00 a week and Dude said - Nah. I said - do it...he said NO. The chores were listed and well - I wouldn't do that much for $5.00 a week. I would bet that it's supposed to be $20 a week - and someone is pocketing cash.

Also when he first moved in - we were told he was given a new flat screen TV. Saw the box in the living room - assumed it was true. Not. THe FOSTER parents got the new widescreen flat tv - and Dude got their old one. IT worked for about 1 week, then quit and they never replaced it. Thats fine - Dude doesn't watch tv much at all. We never have. And they said they bought him a new PS2 - and that was not true either - they bought a new game system for daughter and live in boyfriend - and gave Dude one they got from the flea market.

I would suspect that the receipts got turned into foster care place (making notes) as part of his "He didn't need clothes - but we got this for him instead." and who would know?

As far as the clothes allowance - they have NEVER bought him clothes. Once they got him a pair of shoes at the flea market, and a hat when they took the family to the beach. They did get him clothes at CHristmas but we thought it was kinda rotten that they bought all this clothes too small and not anything he liked. WHen he didn't wear them - they asked if they could give the clothes to someone else. I suspect this was the plan all along. You don't buy dockers and polo shirts for a kid who has NEVER worn outfits like that since he was 4 years old. (I did dress him very nice) then he figured out his own way - and it's been like that since he was 8.

I think Dude needs to ask the foster care AGENCY what he is supposed to be getting don't you? This would cut out the middle man and crazy neighbor would probably be suspected. I don't care what they think anymore.

As far as group homes "stang" - see this is the problem that we've had in the past. I had the last one he was at shut down because of abuse. I swear I am starting to feel like a crusader. I think I could make a very lucrative living off of the state - driving around and making sure violations and such were addressed. Food, clothes allowance huh? Yeah - well I can tell you some stories about that.

When the system here puts a kid in group home - they place them as FAR away as they legally can. This is done so that the family has hardship about being apart. THe entire idea about group.foster/Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is reunification with family and getting away from poor peer influences locally. These idiots put these kids so far away and in the same places that they make life-long friends with POORER peer influences. Then they all come home, hook up and are buds. We have a friend of Dudes that was placed at the last group home that we shut down - in jail right now for CDV of a high and aggrivated nature, possession of meth, possession of crack - and he told his "babymomma" (hate that phrase) that when he gets out he's coming right to MY house, to MOMMA.....to have me cook him a meal like I used to. I got news for Babydadda.....ain't happening. I don't want him around. I don't want Dude near him either - but idiot Dude seeks out these people and belives the guy when he said CDV of high and aggrivated nature was charged because he was in a car with 3 other boys and they hit a parked car....and the OTHER guys had the dope on them....he ONLYhad marijuana. Funny - no charges for pot.

So while it's a roller coaster for Dude to see that NOT everyone is what they appear or says they are....I guess he's finding out the very hardest way. I know the relationship that Dude had with FP is forever changed. They used to be able to get him to do anything for them. I don't see that happening. And he may not ask for the money for clothes - but when I mention he can get SHOES.....Yeah I think someone is going to be asking for a little more than they had been getting. The gravy train is over.

And p's and q's should be managed......they have a day care with over 50 kids there.....and they are not up to code in the LEAST....but the entire family makes their living off of babysitting out of their home.

The police report was made with the information on my original post. I have not seen it. I have to get either the neighbor to give it to me - (which I don't think she has a problem with) but my problem is that she is a self-medicating with booze and dope BiPolar (BP) person that loves to talk and talk and talk, and I'm a .......hermit who likes her solitude and no drama. Sounds like she has drama at her home all the time. WHile I appreciate what she did - I'm not so eager to strike up any friendship. Know what I mean??

I think I'll send over a basket of something nice - or a flower in a pot....with a thank you note. I'm really not looking for any new buds...figuratively or literally.

Thanks all - if I didn't answer a question - PM me - I did my best.
 

mstang67chic

Going Green
The police report was made with the information on my original post. I have not seen it. I have to get either the neighbor to give it to me - (which I don't think she has a problem with) but my problem is that she is a self-medicating with booze and dope BiPolar (BP) person that loves to talk and talk and talk, and I'm a .......hermit who likes her solitude and no drama. Sounds like she has drama at her home all the time. WHile I appreciate what she did - I'm not so eager to strike up any friendship. Know what I mean??


Tee hee. Send Df to get it.
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
Star, do they not have any kind of case worker who does occasional home visits? They may be few and far between but here they have someone who does home visits and talks with the child to see how they're doing and if they have any concerns. These people are probably pocketing every dime that was supposed to go to Dude!

They're probably doing the same thing in the day care if there are people on assistance whose children are enrolled there. There's all kinds of ways to cut corners and skim off the top. They sound like a bunch of trolls and bottom-feeders!
 
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