Dumb Ding Dong Rollecoaster

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Nov 6, 2009.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    What else is new...but not as bad as in the past...that is the silver lining. UGH.

    difficult child had a pt job...kinda sorta. What she didn't know...what we didn't know...was that she was being evaluated for a job. She was working three weeks along with- 15 other young people. The company had an opening for 7 slots. She was not chosen.

    They had three different positions. Two were rather simplistic and were for people with severe learning disabilities and the like. They deemed her as being 'over qualified,' and said that she would get bored too quickly and leave. In the other scenario, they didn't think she was a good fit...it required more finesse than what she had.

    We noted and the social worker working with- her noted that overall she did fairly well during the three weeks she worked AND she had soooo much pride and happiness. Everyone noticed the improvements she has personally made. She walked one mile to and from the bus to get to work. We only drove her once or twice....on days it was raining. She also worked hard. But during one break, she was heard to be cussing. One day, she forgot her uniform. The other trainees did better....I did notice most trainees were getting dropped off by parents, etc. But she is 21, we are pushing for independence...feel it is important, etc.

    The very next day, difficult child was out looking and applying for a job and the social worker feels he might have a lead on something. difficult child also completed a two day child care course the other day and signed up to take the test (not sure of date). If she passes this portion, she will have her certification.

    Yesterday, during family therapy (we go once a month) the therapist got very mad at husband saying that he is not truly enabling her, but overly concerned with her welfare and she would like him to stop this.

    This was in reference to difficult child again allowing friends into her apt., which is the constant antecedent to an eviction.

    Both the therapist and I told husband that if difficult child continues to make the same mistakes and loses her home for awhile, that it would be very very difficult, but that there is little we can do. We can offer advice...provide help if she asks, but little more.

    It is interesting, sad, frustrating...but husband is basically in the same mind set I was in several years ago and I'm not sure what to do about it.

    Big question: husband is angry that therapist gave him the enabling speech in front of daughter. He said that she should have done this privately. difficult child smiled when therapist spoke with- husband...like a child. We have often thought that she has developmental delays. OR it could be just immaturity, etc. She just doesn't 'really' get it. Safety has NEVER been a big concern for her...for example, she often leaves her door unlocked and we live in an UNSAFE city. That was something else we worked on in therapy. husband says a young girl who would do that, needs some extra care and although he tries not to enable (allowing difficult child to feel the sting of poor choices) and pushes difficult child toward independence, he feels he has to make some distinctions.

    Any thoughts, in particular, about the therapist talking with- husband, in front of difficult child?
     
    Lasted edited by : Nov 6, 2009
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Last night was the therapy apt.

    Within 24 hours of that apt....difficult child got an eviction notice....too weird...too strange....certainly got my attention.

    difficult child immediately, that night, had loud friends at her apt. and her lease was terminated.

    She has to leave at the end of the month.

    husband is confused...I am a little bit.

    He says the therapist should not have spoken to him in front of difficult child. That difficult child takes this as some sort of permission to behave inappropriately and when it comes to things like a roof over her head, he doesn't like it.

    I'm not sure...have mixed feelings. It is complicated....to be sure.

    I DO wish she had said something to difficult child afterward (while in family therapy) to see where her head was at.

    Bottom line, difficult child is 21 and I don't feel any need to overprotect her. I did somewhat between the ages of 18 and 21, due to some delays, but now....not so much. I might provide some extra assistance due to her disabilities, but I don't see the need to help a person who is not helping themselves.

    I feel stuck in the middle here....so weird.

    difficult child has a tiny bit of money and found yet another garage apt...there are plenty here, perhaps due to the economy...but it is in worse neighborhood and smaller. So, her life got tougher due to this bad choice. AND honestly, neither husband or I were willing to give her a cent for a move, so if she didn't have any money she would have had to stay in a homeless shelter or with a friend for a month....she just lucked out...by the skin of her teeth.

    Not sure what to do about the therapist reprimanding husband in front of difficult child.

    My only suggestion was for husband to call her and talk with- her when he calms down and to understand that even with this weird event, it is still difficult children responsibility to do the right thing (s) in life.

    I am tired and a bit confused....so again, should the therapist have been easier on husband or mentioned it privately?
     
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Nomad--

    To me, the scenario you describe sounds as if difficult child asked the therapist to "do the talking for her" Know what I mean?? To tell her dad what she didn't have the courage to say herself.

    Maybe husband now needs to say to difficult child--"Well, I'm not going to tell you what to do about this new situation, but if you need anything, I'm here to help."

    If you look at it another way, difficult child was able to help herself by getting a new apartment. She made a bad choice, got evicted, and then went and found a new place to live. That shows that she took responsibility for solving the problem she created. That's good, right?

    So perhaps the therapist talking in front of her should be treated as water under the bridge?

    JMO

    --DaisyFace
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nomad

    I think husband is making a valid point. Even more so if you're thinking it's possible that difficult child is delayed on an emotional/mental level. I know it was important for therapist to point out this behavior to husband.......but it should have been done without difficult child present. Just a couple of years ago, Travis would've taken the situation as he could do as he pleased ect.....with probably the same sort of result.

    But you're right. You can't over protect her forever. Somehow she's got to learn, even if it means being homeless for a short period of time. It's hard to let them learn that way for most parents. I think men even more so when it comes to daughters cuz they are geared from a young age to protect them. If husband is where you were not long ago......more time and he'll probably catch up to where you are now. It seems to take guys longer for this sort of thing.

    Sounds like the working was really bringing out the best in her overall. I know it does with Travis. When not working he rapidly falls backward into old behavior. But while working does very well on maturity level ect. I hope she's able to find a new job soon, and something that is a good fit.

    Hugs
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Nomad

    by the way Lisa, great advice. Nomad I'm not sure I have any better advice but I will tell you how I would have felt. I agree with your husband that the social worker should have talked to him in private instead of in front of difficult child. I know my difficult child would have taken that as permisssion. I also think that in theory the social worker is right, that she is 21 and can't be protected forever, but that he should have known how your daughter would take that coming in front of her father.

    I applaud your husband for his involvement with her in helping her become independant and wanting to protect her. She obviously needs help in this area and he is going above and beyond.

    I am not overly impressed with much of the advice any of the social workers have given us in the past, so perhaps that is reflected in my reply, but he didn't do much in helping your daughter get the job or modify her behavior to stay in the apartment. So if his only advice is to let her sink or swim by herself, why do you need him?

    I don't know if I helped or just proved that I am an enabler too. All I know is that with all the couselors and therapsist we have seen over the years, Not one has had much of an impact so I take their advice with a grain of salt.

    Nancy
     
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you so much for your replies. Honestly, I am in one of those personal mommy places where I just need to talk. Even getting the professional knowledge, doesn't totally help with- that...which I know you "get." And, I am a bit stumped, baffled. Sometimes, there really are no great answers.

    OH, and you guys should know difficult child is working with- TWO different therapists. One social worker who only helps her find employment. He is wonderful. I mean GREAT. That's all he does. Gives her employment advice and literally takes her and helps her fill out applications. On the positive side, difficult child has been ultra cooperative with him and has done things on her own to find employment.

    The other therapist is her personal therapist, although we have a family component. husband and I pay for this. She is a mental health counselor and from day one has approached difficult child a little tougher than her former therapist. She gives difficult child "homework" most apts. and by and large, difficult child tries to perform. One thing that has been impressive, is that this therapist seem to help make difficult child make the 'real" decision to get rid of the alcoholic boyfriend and difficult child did actually do this.

    I think the therapist probably should have had difficult child herself say that it was a personal goal of hers not to be evicted and then explore what she should do or not do to meet this goal.

    Instead, the therapist kinda focused on husband and that proved to be not the best move.

    If she was upset with husband,, perhaps she could have figured out a way to say what she wanted to say and then ask difficult child if it was okay if after the session she talk with her father some more about it privately. Instead, she tore into husband and difficult child took this as permission to do what she wanted....and behave inappropriately.

    Ironically, I don't have huge issues with that since ultimately difficult child is accountable for her actions....but it would have been better (hindsight is 20/20) had difficult child made a personal choice to protect her apt.

    I can't really say that I'm upset with- the therapist, but I do think she could have handled it better...it was not one of the better sessions and we've had several good ones.
     
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nomad, I've lost count of the number of places your difficult child has been evicted from over the years. It has to be terribly discouraging for you and your husband.

    I agree that if the therapist wanted so say anything the might have sounded even a teensy bit like he was being chastised, it should have been in private. In the old days, Rob would have taken the ball and run with it and made our lives miserable if he'd heard anything that could have been perceived as criticism.

    Do you have adult Independent Living Programs where you live? If you do, I'd suggest that you take a look at what they offer. The son of a neighbor in my last home was in one and it was working so well for him. He's in his 30's, has a severe case of paranoid schizophrenia and is taking medications to stabilize him. He has an apartment and is visited weekly by his caseworker. She supervises his living situation and intercedes with his landlord if necessary, medications, issues, etc. He has lived successfully like this for many years. It has taken a huge burden off of his parents (now Mom since Dad is now deceased) and because the caseworker has a different relationship with him, her advice and guidance seem to go further than hearing the same thing from his family.

    Anyway, I'm sorry this same thing- eviction- has reared it's ugly head again. :(

    Suz
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nomad

    I'm just curious......I've forgotten difficult child's diagnosis. You know me and my holey brain. lol But I'm wondering if difficult child has any diagnosis that would encompass the developmental/maturity issues? If not......this may be why the personal therapist is pushing her and assigning her tasks to do. Not saying that what therapist is doing is bad, actually if I could've found someone that creative for Travis he might have actually used a therapist. But if difficult child is significantly lagging behind her peers.....you might have to center her treatment around her delays and be cautious of pushing too hard. A fine line to walk, for sure. One I seem to always be on with Travis. I want to help him acheive independence but on the other hand I have to always be watchful I'm not pushing him too fast for things he's not quite ready for.

    I'm just tossing out an idea here.......but with all of difficult child's many evictions is it possible she is afraid to live away from home on her own? Sort of shooting herself in the foot, hoping enough times and you'll just give up and let her come home?

    I know the hardest thing for me with Travis is I'm never really postive where he is developmentally. In one area (like a job) he can be doing wonderfully but in another he can be acting with the maturity level of a 10 year old. This can be enormously frustrating.
     
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    We too have lost track of the number of times she has moved over the last two years. We think it might be nine times. husband is out of his mind about it all...I mean really forlorn/angry/anxious, etc. Almost all of the times, the landlords have commented that they like difficult child and are willing to put up with her idiosyncrasy's (messiness, peculiarities) but can not put up with her odd friends...mostly that they are VERY loud. I think most of it is that these kids are "strays" and take advantage of her place and either party or just hang out and do what they please. Sometimes, difficult child will leave them at her house and go to another house to get some sleep. Of course, that's when all hexx breaks lose and she'll get an eviction. Sometimes, she'll call husband for help and say things like "I have two people here at my house and can't get them to leave." Two or three weeks ago, she was manic and invited TWO strangers to her place. One had bipolar illness (unmedicated) and one was an alcoholic. Her intention was to convince them to go to AA meetings. They got into a fight and the Landlord was livid....he gave her a warning. She was told not to have ANYONE at her place anymore and for almost two weeks, she didn't. But then she got lonely and was sneeking two friends into her place. We don't know what happened exactly, but after the therapist said what she did to husband, perhaps she had even more friends over or they gave themselves permission to be loud and the landlord said "enough is enough" and told her to get out at the end of the month.

    Suz,
    difficult child is not open at all to moving into an independent living program. To make matters worse, our community seems limited with reference to them. Either they are for the severally retarded or there are facilities for those with heavy duty substance abuse problems. difficult child actually has a high IQ and is anti drugs. The next city has better facilities/more appropriate ones. We tried getting her in one there, but were turned down. I was sooo desperate, I tried to get husband to sell our house to establish residency there and he refused.

    Perhaps in time (a long long long time) either difficult child will improve OR she will go to one of those facilities. Something has to change.

    Daisy,
    difficult child has Bipolar I and ADHD. SHe also had a brain aneurysm that bled as a child...has never been the same since. She does seem to have developmental delays (to a certain extent), but has never been official diagnosis'd with this. difficult child has mentioned recently the idea of coming back home. Sadly, this is not to be...husband has told her he would put her in a homeless shelter first. At first she did not believe him, but I do believe she 'gets this' now. I think this is part of the reason husband is so upset...'cause he realizes how very dangerous this situation is and how we are running out of options.

    by the way, to give you an idea of how 'rough' our city is, it was voted the second worse place in the country to raise a child.

    difficult child should be terrified to invite strangers into her home, live out on the streets or in a homeless shelter....yet she continues to play with fire.
     
    Lasted edited by : Nov 7, 2009
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    The Independent Living Program here isn't made up of a bunch of group homes. The Program centers around the needs of the individual person, it is not a group home, facility, or special housing.

    The young man I referred to has his own lawn business and lives by himself in his own apartment. His caseworker goes to his apartment weekly and checks on him; how he's doing; medications, bills, etc.

    Susie
     
  11. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Nomad, I also take therapy input with a grain of salt because many therapists make little distinction between oppositional behavior and "stupid". I use that term lovingly. It's their inability to make safe or n/t decisions because their brains do not process information correctly. I consider this not self serving behavior but a result of a brain wrinkle. The information doesn't get deposited in the right file.

    As far as her safety goes, I think husband is right on. He has every right to be concerned for her safety. She is a vulnerable woman who should have a safety net that makes sure she has life skills understanding about locking doors and not having strangers in the house. Does she have a caseworker? Shouldn't that be something that is addressed.

    As far as conversations with therapist with or without daughter, I have 2 thoughts. If it is a family meeting about treating difficult child as an adult then therapist is off the mark to speak to husband as the child. If the conversation was discussion vs. reprimand than by all means difficult child should be part of the discussion. I would not tolerate being spoken to as a child since I try very hard to not talk to difficult child as a child and to not interfere in anything that is not a safety issue. If he takes the inititative to bring things up then I am part of the conversation.

    As far as being evaluated for developmental delays, it's a start and may get difficult child some further services. I know too well that a high IQ without function is just a number. It means with the right teaching she has the ability to learn what she needs to know for basic living. It does not mean she will learn it. It does not mean we know how to teach her so that she understands. difficult child has been fortunate in that she hasn't been physically hurt or assaulted. You do live in a very dangerous city. Does she know anyone who has been beaten bloody or raped brutally? I would make a point of showing her the consequences of not using basic safety skills to protect herself. I lived in your city. I'm hardly a shrinking violet and no way would I go out after dark to walk the dog alone let alone not lock the door.

    She would do well with an independent apartment with some supervision. Caseworker who keeps in touch and makes sure she is using her life skills. Being paired with someone who is less functional on one level may be balanced by this person having skills difficult child doesn't have. My difficult child has a lot of independent skills but he should be partnered with someone who may look as independent but can do some of the things difficult child can't. Ex0 my difficult child could drive to the super market but roommate can manage the budget and keeping track of who owes what and making the bills get paid on time. A living arrangement is like a marriage. Strengths and weaknesses should be balanced for both parties. They aren't ever going to live in a situation that is perfect. Their disability is too great. I believe your state is stretched pretty thin with services going to the worst cases.

    Even the county parks and recreation here has organizations that are geared to adults with some delays. Some are severe but not all. One difficult child attended was too severe. Non verbal and such but difficult child couldn't have a conversation or share so it didn't work. We try everything we can find or is offered in hopes that things will work. He almost got a roommate but after several attemps the young man and difficult child just couldn't click. Such is life. I know my difficult child is very friendly and out going but he has to get something back.

    Anyway, I think husband has reason to be annoyed with therapist and difficult child but he might not want to overfocus on his feelings. A conversation with the therapist about how he expects to be treated should suffice. The real focus is how to difficult child to make better decisions and live in a safer environment.

    She, like my difficult child, are just inches from functioning. It's actually more frustrating than when they were farther away from the goal.
     
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Fran and Suz...very good points.


    She would do well with an independent apartment with some supervision.


    This is largely the conclusion I am coming up with and called the therapist who said she was coming to the same conclusion herself.

    I will call the disability office Mon morning, but I c an tell you previously when I called, they were not a lot of help.

    AND difficult child balked big time about the idea of going when its been mentioned once before.

    Can we withhold paying for an apt. if she finds one, telling her she needs to go to a facility with supervision?

    What is the best way to go about finding an independent apt. with- supervision?

    The therapist is considering adding Aspergers to her diagnosis....says it is kinda atypical...she is processing it in her own mind.

    The therapist apologized and husband agreed to call her next week.

    I asked for a referral for a testing re: developmental delays.
     
  13. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Nomad, if you are going through the county public services, they will put her on the waiting list if she meets their criteria. I can tell you that it will be years.
    The other way is to ask her caseworker for suggestions. I mostly did searches of assisted living for dev. delays or AS. I did searches for programs for young adults. Just to get the list of places to call. Some church organizations have programs that will expose difficult child to decent young adults with social events. One locally has a coffee house that one evening a month is geared to the population of our young adults. It's very nice, safe. They play good music, do some karaoke, talk about whatever these guys talk about. It's a bit supervised to keep the adults safe but it basically an adult evening. No real interference.
    Some groups organize vacations and help clients save their money, help them set goals and they go as a group.
    You just have to do lots of searches. I ask everyone if they know of anything that would be appropriate for my son. Network so to speak. Just don't try to smooth over her rough spots. I almost shot difficult child's chances by minimizing his difficulties. In reality, they need to meet criteria that my difficult child has in order to get the services. If they don't have services, I ask if difficult child could get a job with them. :please:
     
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I remember the glee with which M used to insist that he would live on the streets. "I'm going to be a pirate." "I'm going to be a crack-h*" This from a 16 year old. Now at 23, he is finally sensing that it might be nice to have an ability to choose for himself where he would like to live and to stay there. After 6 years of wandering from sofa to sofa and hooverer to hooverer. We never handed him anything. Why do they think that they're always going to land on their feet even after they keep landing in the soup?
     
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    ditto, Ditto, DITTO Fran...and Witz too, since it took years for Rob to realize that he doesn't want to repeat past mistakes.

    Suz
     
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    difficult child doesn't like going to church socials or events.
    She hesitates to go to all social events, unless she is going with a good friend.
    husband and I go to a nice church, but they don't have anything for people her age. They have a big gap for young people in their twenties. True, she would probably do well with those younger than herself. They do have a nice size group of middle school aged children (plus elementary aged children and a small group of high school students) However, not only does difficult child hesitate to go to these types of things, husband has HUGE issues with- difficult child attending our church, with the exception of holidays.

    Years ago, I found one facility in my area that provided housing for the mentally ill and two in the next city. The ones in the next city, judging from my phone conversations, seemed better organized. They would not take her and difficult child balks big time at the idea of going to a place like this.

    The idea of going to a facility more for the developmentally disabled seems like a better fit in actuality.

    I am trying to piece it all in my mind. Fran, as you might recall, for years I have thought that your difficult child and mine sound eerily alike. She did get the diagnosis of Aspergers at one point, but both her therapist and psychiatrist did not agree. I purchased a book on the topic and was surprised at how close she fit the criteria. However, she also fits for bipolar. As she has gotten older and especially when she stays on her medication, her bipolar illness has improved. But there are still these other issues that are very difficult and confusing. We also have the added situation of abandonment issues...which is very common with all adopted children...even those who were adopted as infants. Her last therapist felt that difficult child was better than many children, but it is still there and in combination with all else she has going on Bipolar, ADHD, ASpergers, Brain Bleed...it is just a heck of a lot of baggage.

    husband is going around saying "I am done." He has been so grouchy. I think this has really been getting to me. Of course it is much easier for me when I have a partner in all of this.

    When I mention how he has been lately, he does better. He has a heart of gold. But then something comes over him and the grouchiness comes back.

    I have been trying to listen to him and be supportive. It seems to be helping ever so slightly. I suggested that he might see a therapist...went over like a led balloon. I do hope he feels better soon....I am drained.

    In the meantime, I have been looking up things...haven't even found the old places...but I am sure I will.

    I did find some sort of facility that provides education (in my city) and several others like it in the next city. It is amazing how little there is in my area...so much more in just one city over...but its not likely I can get access to it.

    ETA

    Important Question:

    How do you get a caseworker without directly paying for it? I did try to get one by calling the disability office and they said she wasn't entitled to one.
    She DID get a social worker (thru the disability office) who strictly helps provide employment services and since difficult children therapist said her disability is severe and she can only work part time, he is trying to find her a part time job. Additionally, I have paid with my own money for a private therapist for difficult child.
     
    Lasted edited by : Nov 8, 2009
  17. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Nomad getting a case worker is directly the result of my difficult child meeting the criteria for dev. delays.
    We have always known that difficult child had more AS symptoms with a mood component vs. true bipolar. His executive function issues are his biggest stumbling block since he is very social and verbal. This doesn't mean he is age appropriate or processes info well.
    Meeting criteria requires doctor's evaluations. from specialists over the years. The county will then have her see their own specialists. It's a lengthy process.

    Again, my difficult child does not attend a church, nor do I. It is not an issue to be part of the young adult groups benefitting the dev delays/AS group. Same with housing. My difficult child would prefer to socialize with young adults with similar interests regardless of different levels of functioning.

    At this point, services are provided for difficult child. I privately paid for social skills and young adults group for 2 semesters last year but between the autism society young adults group and difficult child inviting folks to do things, he has a few friends. As a whole they aren't interested in hanging out every day. They get together once a week or so. Even difficult child's girlfriend has classes, chores at home and her interests. They see each other 2 times a week for the most part.

    If you think she may fit the criteria you may have to get her evaluated so she has the diagnosis. With that designation, she should get job coaching, job searching, put on list for public housing(the list here is about 7 yrs long) but he is on the list of supported housing for adults with dev. delays. Private apts or paired, depends on the church organization. It isn't a local charity as such. It's like Catholic charities(the local one isn't for difficult child) Episopal church organization(can't remember the name) etc. Your difficult child doesn't have to be a church goer or particularly religious. This is about young adults who have a need and the organization stepping up to fill the need. At least that's how it is here.
    I don't think any of this will happen in the next month. It's a slow step by step process. We have been at it for 16 months in this state and with a horrid economy- not much work to apply for.
    Our goals are job, affordable living, appropriate social life, increasing independence.
     
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    When I spoke to the folks in the supported housing facility in the next city they said she met criteria, but would not take her since she wasn't a resident of their city.

    Her current doctor is on the verge of adding the Aspergers diagnosis.

    I did find some specialized housing in my city for those with developmental delays.

    I am going to call the disability office tomorrow to find out about housing, etc. and the local university to see if there are any groups for young adults. Ironically, I am almost certain that the university I attend, at the main campus, there is a facility with- groups, etc....but again, that is a great distance from where we and difficult child lives. I will call them too though to see what contacts they have.
     
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Nomad,

    After reading the above posts and going through much of the same, I can agree with much of that which had been said. As far as the therapist's comments? I would chalk it up to a frustrated person/human and accept the apology and go from there. in my humble opinion your husband had the right to be upset about her comments in front of your daughter. Whatever her reason was for saying what she did? What's done is done. Move on from here.

    I too was trying to think about how many moves she's had in the last couple of years. The messiness and the people /reasons she's allowed to live with her and the number of things you've done to help her (you being you and husband). What about the last suggestion I had of paying someone to come a few times a week to teach her life skills? Check up on her? And if she does good; reward her? If she does poorly the life skills teacher helps her? (while you're waiting for everything else to come to fruition?)

    I mean this keeps peace with HER in her current living situation -
    It would be as IF she had a caseworker - so really its almost like what husband whats, but ....not really butting in.
    IT's as close to a caseworker as you're going to get for now without the wait.
    It is someone that would be checking in with her/and the landlord so if things were going South? Nip it in the bud time.
    If she were to bring home strays? The "life skills person" would toss them out pronto.
    If the house is messy - Life skills person - says TODAY is house cleaning day.
    If there are jobs available - Life skills person says TODAY is job application day.
    If the job is available? Life skills person would take her to and from work 2-3 days a week?

    Kinda like an adult safety net/baby sitter that would send you and husband a report card/email once a week and let you LIVE YOUR LIFE...so that there is NO MORE I CAN NOT TAKE THIS....in YOUR house.

    Belive me if I could afford to put Dude in his own place? I would. If I coudl afford to have someone stand by him? I would. Someone who would be a good influence on him and make sure he clicked with that person and did the right thing. So that I would not worry.

    Think about how much you'd pay for peace.....

    I dunno - if you aren't ready to say - GET OUT ON THE STREETS...maybe for now this would do. Maybe it's a compromise that you can both live with and set a day/time and say if she blows THIS by XX day ////shes on her own and we have done EVERYTHING in our power ...and know that you really did do everything. Even hire a 21 year old a sitter. ???

    I have no other idea....other than setting her out on her own and saying - When you get tired of life biting your butt - maybe you'll change. Sometimes WE as parents aren't ready to let that happen for whatever reason. If not? You have to ask yourselves- Is THIS an acceptable compromise or is THIS putting of the invevitable until I can deal with the inevitable...and am I just delaying what I know is going to be the inevitable future for my child in hopes that this one more thing would change her?

    I'm eternally hopeful, but I pray every day I'm not a doormat and for me? I've already buried one child this year - so I wasn't quite able to put Dude in the park like I thought I'd be able to. I'm not so sure he wouldnt' have been happier there than here....but at least I have hot water. lol.

    I hope you find something that works. I think the gals who have children who are older and who have been through the worst of the worst have given you some really solid advice. I actually see THEIR faces when I think about doing something not so wise....it really helps. lol.

    Hang in there - you and husband - he's a saint you know. You too.

    Hugs & Love
    Star
     
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    The other day, husband was saying he wanted to do just that...hiring the "teaching" housekeeper and hire a caseworker instead of looking for a group home. However, last night the landlord called and filled us in on some details. Since this new information has come in, husband is on board that difficult child needs a lot of supervision.

    We might compromise (MIGHT) if getting into supervised housing just isn't possible. If that is the case...I think we MIGHT go to plan B...which is just what you said the "teaching" housekeeper and a caseworker coming to the home.

    difficult child spent the night at the house last night. She was calm last night and willing to talk and listen. This morning...she was anxious and uncooperative. It has been extraordinarily difficult. husband and I are both feeling a lot of pain at this time.
     
    Lasted edited by : Nov 9, 2009
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