easy child always gets less attention

[Jena]

hi to everyone

so, i missed easy child's first track meet tonight, and i'm very upset over it. she worked so hard, for the past few mos. and she"s running the 300 tonight. and difficult child just wont' let me go. i gave her the option of coming, or staying home with everyone and having popcorn. she wont go and doesn't want to be home with-o me. Sounds silly to say a child won't let me go somewhere, yet we all know how handling difficult children can be. id' have an anxiety ridden kid on my hands if i walked out and went or a nasty horrible kid with me if i dragged her off. ugh

i feel very bad i can't be there to cheer my other daughter on. easy child often takes such a hit, due to difficult child's troubles, and much less attention.

i should be there.

anyone else go through this with their other kids, you miss their stuff due to difficult child's??

 

[Andy]

I am sorry! I do understand. You know that difficult child could not handle you leaving, so you stayed. I did that last year when my difficult child could not handle going to school without me. I stopped going into work. That was so hard for me, I was not fulfilling another commitment. I had to choose between the two and I choose the one that needed me the most.

What did easy child say about this? Is she upset?

 

[Nancy423]

I'm sorry. I think my easy child gets the shaft sometimes too. (HUGS)

 

[Jena]

thanks guys. Yea I know, i've given up alot for the better of difficult child, my job our lifestyle. that's all ok. yet easy child, she's the other love of my life. she was amazingly good about it, and i promised her that next time no matter what i'm soo there.

she came in 2nd by the way!!

 

[Critter Lover]

WOW 2nd place......WAY TO GO! Maybe someone can watch your difficult child for a little while and take your easy child somewhere special to celebrate time with just her. I did this many times my daugher to let her know that she is special to me as well. It might be just a mother daughter day to go shopping or have lunch out together. One time we did a special craft class at a craft store called Michaels. We decorated little wreaths in to napkin holders for Thanksgiving. When my kids were way younger....we had the Disney seasonal passes. My husband and I would trade off kids.....each of us having turns with each child. They got to pick the park they wanted to go to and they were elated to spend time a lone with each parent. I enjoyed it a lot. With the price of everything today....would not even know if I could afford such undertaking. Even if you do not find that you can leave the house....find a project that you and your easy child will enjoy.....whether it is baking or crafts....etc....or maybe renting her favorite movie from a movie rental place and watching it with her.

HUGS!
Critter Lover

 

[eekysign]

I grew up the easy child with two older difficult child stepbrothers (schizophrenia, drug addiction, ADHD, bipolar, you name it). Make time for your easy child children. It may make life worse for a while, but to put it bluntly, you're a bad parent to your easy child kids if you repeatedly deny them your time.

difficult child kids take up a lot of time and energy. My little sister is one, too, and because I'm so much older than she is, I've been there for the whole ride. It's hard to leave them behind/say no when you know it could set them off badly---but when you have multiple kids, you just can't kowtow to the troubled ones every time. You know that, you're just worried about how we PCs take it.

The happy thing I can tell you is that we easy child kids generally understand. If you explain clearly, repeatedly why exactly they are getting the poor deal in your family life, they really can handle it. It's better to have the whole family on your "team" in dealing with the difficult children anyway. If she's old enough to be running in a track meet, I'm sure she knows (at least deep down) what your difficult child is like, and although she may resent the situation, she understands what you have to do.

I didn't like that there was always screaming and yelling in my house. I didn't like them stealing from my piggy bank. I didn't like getting thrown across a room into the metal rails of my bed. I definitely didn't like the change in my parents as the difficult children went off the deep end for the 80 billionth time. I really hate that my stepdad never met his difficult child's daughter, his only grandchild, before he died, because the difficult child was in jail.

I think the only real advice I can give is just to keep an eye out. I survived my difficult child siblings by literally being the "perfect child". I never rebelled in my teen years, I never fought, got bad grades, complained....nothing. It wasn't to claim attention, or to be the "good daughter" so I'd be sure to be loved. My best friend had a difficult child older brother, and she says the same as I do, which is this: We were literal PCs because we could see how hard our parents had it, and we weren't willing to add to their burdens, even as a little kid.But don't let your kids go too far down that road. My friends and I have managed to get out of the "mustn't bother anyone with my problems" stage of life, but I know a lot of PCs that never do.

I don't want to say encourage your PCs to get mad, but.....well, encourage them to at least express their frustrations to you. And give them alone time with at LEAST one parent as much as possible. They'll need it. I don't know how else to say it.

 

[janebrain]

Eekysign,
thanks for giving us your perspective as a sibling. I think both my easy child's felt as you do--they didn't dare be any trouble, they could see how much trouble difficult child was for us. My younger dtr is learning in therapy how to speak up for herself and her needs. She definitely was feeling she mustn't bother anyone with her problems. She felt that her own needs were not important. My older son says he felt "all alone". I feel very bad that difficult child got so much attention by being such a squeaky wheel. If only I could go back now and do it differently with all I have learned!
Jane

 

[Jena]

Yea that was really really cute!! thank you for taking the time to share that. It's soo cute i wish we could post it somewhere for other ppl to see it and read it!

My easy child is nasty at times, and fails too!! LOL I"m thinking she is very healthy then!!!

as long as mom shows up at the next track meet!!!

 

[Jena]

critter hi yes that would be a good idea. she's actually going to a concert tmrw night with her friend and friends parents, it's a big one here in new york. she's very excited and i'm very jealous that the parents get to take her and not me!!!

I'll have a job soon and than i'll be able to do again. ok can i tell you something not to be pathetic but she won 2nd place with old sneakers on also. i was waiting till xmas and my parents and my ex were giving her gift cards to do her shopping which she loves. she's been so good this year with understanding that she's had to get by with alot less than she's used to. she's a strong strong resilient girl.

 

[compassion]

For me, I try to make sure I focus and give him special stuff. Yes, there are times but I focus really hard on giving my son the support he deserves. LIke he an I took a tripn to Iowa in Oct. so he could present a paper. He has LDs so takes lots of time also, even at 18. I intend to support him to go to a school out of state and be with him. I willnot allow difficult child to tootallt take over. Sometimes it is her preveting me from my hopes like her and I helping with her district vball tourney because of fits, her throwing fits so I did get to see Michelle Obama in Oct., our family vacation to Europe wasscrappped because she went kept running/stealing and ended up in hospital.
I make sure he gets his intersts and she will have thousands deducted from any car purchase. I try to listten and connect with him daily.
A good example was yesterday when I am chasing her down at Mall. he was at a freinds and I called and told him how he could contact me. Compassion