easy child broke down....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jena, May 23, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi

    so my easy child gone difficult child broke down. my husband saw her in the supermarket and she just began to cry. asked about me, my symptoms how i was feeling.

    than came the email from her. it was long alot of apologizing, alot of i love you's, alot of junk. apologized for not making us proud, said that she made such a mess out of everything and now she has to work hard to undue all the mess she's made.

    on and on it went. we'll c where it goes..... it was nice to see the her again i know so well even if in an email.
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jena

    This can be an awesome thing. Support her, encourage her, but make her do the work to put things back together for herself. It will mean so much more to her if she fixes it.

    Time will tell if she means what she says. But it's awfully hard to admit you messed up in a huge way AND apologize for it, even if it's via email. Good for her.

    Hugs
     
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    YUP! Tough love. Just cause you're hurting don't mean she gets an ALL PASS. So what? Now NOW she wants to give you sympathy? PFT.........You sop that up with a crust of bread and they'll walk on you forever.
     
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lisa i agree...... Star english please?? what do you mean?? :)

    yes it's due to my diagnosis i'm sure of it. yet she's been floundering all week something weird. calling me, than emailing me, than yelling at me via email. clearly all over the board. she saw my husband in the store last night did i mention that? sorry memory tha'Tourette's Syndrome what triggered it. ok yes i did just scrolled up lol.

    than odd thing he went back out last night again to get me something and he saw her again. he just looked at her and said your following me so she laughed and said this is creepy. he said i love you. she said same than they parted ways.

    she is on the verge of returning i can feel it yet wants to live her summer out in the crazy house so she can do what she wants. my attitude we'll c with all of it.i just know any addtl stress on me won't fly. iv'e learned my body well.

    it states ms is caused if you have the genetic component for it by extreme stress. so my year has been extreme stress. each time id' hit hospital with difficult child id' cope super well than return home and my body would fall apart. so my life has caused me illness lol
     
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She's on the verge of returning? Only if you let her. She's an adult. I don't think her returning should be a goal or even a wish, but that's just my hard*** self talking. I'm more cynical and tend to agree with Star.. your illness doesn't give her a free pass to just take back everything that happened between you, especially the violence in your home. I'm sure your diagnosis has made her think twice about what she did, which is a good thing... and if she's truly sorry, that's fine.. but actions speak louder than words. Given that she's sent you "yelling" emails within the past week, I'd say not much has changed. Tread cautiously...
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im with Star and Crazy on this one. She can be sorry and feel bad from afar. She returns and she will revert back to a teenaged brat wanting her own way just giving you more stress. I know, Ive lived it.
     
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others. It should not be if she decides to come back home! It should be if you allow her to come back home! And in light of all the chaos, violence, heartache and disrespect she has brought to your home, I would be very, VERY reluctant to let her come back. After all that's happened, she should not be allowed to just say "I'm sorry", whip up a few tears, and then just waltz on back like nothing ever happened!

    At this stage of the game, she is at a crossroads. She finally has the independence that she wanted ... what has she done with it? While she's been on her own, has she taken even one little baby step towards getting her life back on track, one tiny step towards becoming a functioning adult? Has she made arrangements to go back to finish school or to get her GED? Could she still graduate if she went to summer school? Has she checked to see if she could? Does she have a job? Has she even looked for a job? If she wants to come back home just to become a spoiled child with all the goodies and no responsibilities again, within a week things would be back right where they were. This is her opportunity to move forward and become an adult. It won't be easy and she's managed to make it even harder than it needed to be. Of course, it's up to you, but if you do allow her to return to your home, I would be setting up strict guidelines and then stick to them! She MUST either return to school or get her GED. She needs to be out there looking for a summer job- her "job" now would be looking for a job. And absolutely NO violence in your home, not a breath of disrespect aimed at you or anyone else, and if your rules are broken even once, then she's out on her keister! She's an "adult" now and adults have to follow the rules.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, honestly, I have to add...............I would not let her return home.

    Why? Because of the total lack of respect and violence she's shown. I wouldn't let one of mine return after such behavior, regardless of the reason. Most likely even years down the road.

    She's an adult. She wanted freedom. She got what she wanted. At this point she can choose to enjoy that freedom the right way or the wrong way. If she's serious in her apology.......and she is willing, you could help guide her onto her feet in the right direction, without allowing her to come home. People make mistakes, some bigger than others, some life changing. What she has to learn now? Is that it's what you do once you've reached the point where you realize you've messed up in a big way that counts. Fixing life mess ups can be some major work.......but that work is necessary for the lesson to take hold and stick. It's part of growing up. It is being an adult.

    For me if circumstances came up and either easy child or Nichole needed to return home for a period of time.......I most likely wouldn't have much of an issue with it. Both left under good terms. Both were acting like responsible adults when they left home, and continue to do so now. I could let them come and know they would continue to act like adults, respect me and my home, and actively work to get back out on their own again asap. Katie, while she hasn't been violent or disrespectful, can't act like an adult outside the home........if I let her stay here she'd act like a 12 yr old like she did last time. I'd have a heck of a time ever getting her out again.

    Due to past behavior on your daughter's part? You have little if any guarantee she won't fall back into old patterns of behavior if she should move home, which is the last thing either of you need. In honestly, if you let her come home odds are high that she would return to the old groove once a honeymoon phase wore off. She hasn't learned anything yet from these mistakes. The learning comes with the fixing which she has yet to do. And until she learns.......she will most likely repeat them.

    In the meantime, you have your hands full just dealing with your own stuff and family that are still at home stuff. Life happens the way it does for a reason.

    Hugs
     
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    very true everything happens for a reason....... i keep telling myself that as of late lol.

    as far as her returning, i just stated where "she" is not where "we" are with it. to be very honest other than this post husband and i have not had any conversations about it, except for when he ran into her twice in one night.

    i actually said to him baby i get you love her (he's the stepdad yet they have this good connection), yet take it with a grain of salt it may just be a hiccup in her emotions of me finally getting an answer to my problems with that diagnosis.

    she knew it, easy child that is. she stated i have alot of wrong's to right. i said yes you do, get going little girl. :)

    i'm truly not sweating this on any level i really just not doing it. this thing has taught me very quickly to appreciate what i have, take time to slow down and look around a bit more, and just (besides my unhealthy anger that's found its way into my positive lesion filled brain) be.

    so, she can't even rock my boat anymore. was i touched, sure i was. did a shed a happy tear at the sight of the kid i once knew? def. yet that was it. than i detatched and went back to me lol.

    that's just it i hate that ms has engulfed my world. it's one thing to have some talks about it initially discuss options we're still processing it etc. the walk is yes getting it out there more. yet i dont' want to think about me each day, what will happen what won't happen. ya know?

    the anger will subside i was better today. yesterday was hard for me, i felt very negative cheated etc. i had been waiting so long for difficult child to return to school so she could live her life and me begin mine again after such a long haul now. than i feel like hey ms stole that. yet i know no one can steal anything. just emotions..........
     
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Jena, You need to take care of yourself now more than ever. MS is a difficult disease and you are correct in that stress can bring on attacks. If I were you I would take all your daughter's ajpologies with a grain of salt. difficult child's sometimes do this to get the attention back on them. Apologies are just words if not backed by actions. She needs to make big changes and even then I do not think you should allow her back in your home. To easy to slide back into old habits. _RM
     
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Jen, it sounds to me like whenever she changes moods, you are interpreting that as "seeing a different" or the "old" person in her. I think you are making way too much out of that- she might be 18 but she's still a moody teen who's all over the place in deciding how she wants to live her life. As far as her returning home- do you really want her to end up with a message or even thought that you would be grateful to have her home no matter how she gets mad at you because of your diagnosis? This could easily leave you two with completely different ideas about your relationship. You want to think she'd straighten up and treat you better due to the diagnosis. She's more apt to think you'd tolerate more just to have her with you due to the diagnosis. If you're facing major physical challenges, I'd think that would be all the more reason NOT to give this a chance- you simply aren't in a position to.
     
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm not doing anything right now at all. just wrote she finally had a breakdown. hopefully it'll be what she needs to clean up her act. as i said i won't tolerate anymore stress in my life than i can handle. which right now is zero LOL.

    i'm putting me first and everyon'es going Occupational Therapist (OT) have to adjust to that. actually putting me and husband first this round. he deserves it we need it and being with him is helping me cope alot better.
     
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok easy child gone bad update...... she got a JOB! yup.... she started working already. found out she had been cleaning houses opened up her own little let me clean your house business yet now she'll work where she got the job. nothing great a bagel store sat. and sunday's. yet after school it'll be 5 days a week.

    has a new boyfriend unfortunately she's never long with-o one. yet he seems like a nice kid we met him he goes to college in vermont and is home for the summer. soon i'll here how she's moving up there i'm sure :)

    also she worked out a plan with school and it looks like she'll graduate afterall.

    yesterday was my birthday and she joined us for dinner and cake. was nice yet you can see that add at work bigtime. she needs medications and some therapy to work on it. slightest things set her off and take her focus away. overall it was ok to be around her.
     
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    glad things are more calm. -RM
     
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    It's one day at a time with these kids. I'm glad you had a nice birthday and I'm very, very glad easy child is showing some progres.
    Dash
     
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds like some cautious optimism. Personally I hope she can make baby steps toward maturity and feel the pride that one can only feel when they have earned it. Also glad that you are feeling better. DDD
     
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Glad you had a nice birthday. Good that she is working on fixing things........hope it continues.
     
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    me 2 yet the beauty of it is i don't feel the same anymore. something's changed. i love her always will yet i don't feel that sick need anymore my hearts' grown a safety wall i guess you could say. i strongly know now it's her life she will do as she pleases. i'm ok with that. whatever it may be.

    being around her for that period i was glad to be, yet the add in her as i said is shining thru and it made me edgy. i was relieved when she left. i never thought id' feel that way.
     
  20. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday, fellow Gemini.

    I am SO glad that easy child will be able to graduate with her class. Hope this takes a little stress off of you.
     
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