easy child has gone all difficult child on me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by cubsgirl, May 17, 2012.

  1. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    (sigh). easy child is the kid I never worried about. She did everything asked, made good grades in school and was very respectful of everyone.

    She turned 18 in March and things have drastically changed. She has had a boyfriend for about 10 months - he's totally spacey but husband and I figure - it's her boyfriend- she has to deal with him. However, since her 18th birthday all we hear out of her mouth is "I'm 18 and I can do what I want". I tell her all the time "It's our house - it's our rules - end of discussion".

    She is almost never at home, she always goes to boyfriend's house because we are "totally mean" to her. OMG - this kid has been allowed to do just about whatever she wants because she's always been so mature and responsible. She constantly brings up that I'm bipolar and therefore an unfit mother and she had a horrid childhood (her childhood was fine and she said so until she turned 18). My psychiatrist wants her in treatment and thinks its unfair she uses the bipolar against me.

    She refuses to see a therapist and I don't think I can make her.

    Everyone I talk to that has older kids said that her wanting to be out of the house is normal and she'll be back to human form by age 25. ARGH. That's a long way off. She also is going away (4 hours away) to the same college as boyfriend and they are moving in together this summer. Funny - neither has a job in the new area, they don't have an apartment in the new area, they don't have a car and she doesn't have her driver's license. It will be interesting to see how this "move" pans out.

    What do I do with her in the meantime?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm not sure how the Cubs are doing this year (I gave up baseball when the steroids era hit), but I remember those painful Cubbie fan days myself!!! I am from Illinois originally :)

    Look, I have a sixteen year old who is rarely home. I think it's pretty normal. Maybe her boyfriend is influencing her to be a bit snottier than normal. That's never fun. Well, she's about to find out how hard it is to take care of herself if she is moving out with boyfriend soon. Especially since they are not prepared. It will be a good learning experience for her. As for the human part...I find my kids became very human again around twenty-five. They actually can APPRECIATE us by then...lol. I can't promise anything, but I think there's a good chance she will appreciate that you were a good mother IN SPITE of having bipolar by then. It is an extra challenge yet you did it!

    In the meantime, while she is living at home, if she is disrespectful, I'd cut the money, the cellphone, the car etc. Bet she'll stop the disrespect fast when she realizes who is paying her bills (unless she is doing it). I've always found that very effective with my one difficult child daughter.

    Good luck with your daughter!
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I don't know many adults who get to do what they want - many would like to sleep till noon then watch cartoons till time to go to bed but NO doesn't work like that. PART OF BEING AN ADULT IS getting up when you could really use 5 more minutes (or hours) and you do what you need to do to support & take care of yourself.

    She has decided she is an adult ok treat her like an adult. Whether charging her rent or not I would write out a lease or living arrangement including what duties around the house she is responsible for and at what time the doors will be locked at night (you don't make curfew sleep somewhere else) I wouldn't dump in a bunch of money on fancy locks or alarms just jam a wedge in under the door at curfew time.

    My parents took a little different style with me a couple months before turned 18yo I ungrounded myself so when I got home the locks had been changed and my stuff was piled on the porch.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    helpangel, I like your answer better! :)
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    Nah, I still like MWM's answer. Same stuff I was gonna say.
  6. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    husband had enough and cut her cell phone off today (before I could even tell him what others suggested). I think a lease or living arrangement agreement might be helpful too. It's almost unbelievable the negative transformation that has occurred in her.
  7. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Are there things you guys liked to do together when she was more easy child? Like go to the movies and out to eat, or go to the mall, just the two of you? I was thinking that maybe you could both go to a neutral place together, that she associates with fun, and maybe have a talk with her. Ask her what's bothering her. Maybe she has some trepidation about going away to school next year, and it's coming out like anger directed at you. I don't know, but gentle prodding and loving kindness always worked with my easy child daughter. on the other hand, when my easy child-turned-difficult child son's behavior and attitude radically changed, he was on drugs! There was absolutely no reaching him, but it's worth a try, I guess. I hope it works out...it's not easy, and it can be very hurtful. Good luck.
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Man... Onyxx does this and husband might just go round the bend.

    I was the "good kid", in fact lived at home and pretty much behaved till I was 21. But... I had a few of "those" days. And I am completely amazed that my parents didn't shoot me more than a few times. Or throw me out on my rear. (And then I met Onyxx and, well, now I know why they didn't.)

    I think cutting off the cell, etc. is a good idea. If she can't give you respect, you can't give her stuff.
  9. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Make life as bearable for yourself as possible till she leaves for school this summer.
    Then, enjoy the peace and quiet with her living elsewhere :hapydancsmil:

  10. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Hello from another Chicagoland friend! When my difficult child turned 18 last August he started saying the exact same things that your daughter is telling you now. He was so proud that he was an adult at 18 years of age, and he felt that he did not have to tell us where he was going, who he was with, when he would be home, etc. Of course he also did not have a job and he did not have a problem asking us for money all the time. My h and I did the same thing that you are doing now, stopping his cell phone and car use when he was acting like a jerk just because he was now 18. You and your h are doing the right thing by cutting off her cell phone. Your home and your rules, and your difficult child has to understand that fact.

    Take care of yourself, because these difficult child's can cause a lot of stress for all of us. I hope that you will get a chance to do something fun this week-end, like watch the Crosstown Classic, Cubs vs Sox! HUGS...