easy child is back

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Californiablonde, Sep 13, 2013.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I posted a few weeks ago that easy child's dad texted me telling me he can't live with him any longer. Apparently his wife is too stressed out to take him to school and then pick him up at the after school program. His dad can't take him to school and pick him up due to working long hours and living an hour and a half away from his job. I told him I can't take him in right now due to the fact that I only have a one bedroom apartment and simply don't have the money to move right now. Plus easy child absolutely loves his new school and has made lots of friends there, something not to easy for a kid with autism to do. easy child just moved in with him last April and I don't think it's fair to him to be bounced around.

    Well I get an email at work today from his dad telling me I have to take him back. I don't have a choice in the matter. His wife is refusing to take him to school any longer, plus he said his house isn't a very good environment for easy child to be in right now. Basically he couldn't handle having his own kid full time, at least his wife couldn't . Right now I am so broke due to not working in the summer and I had to ask a coworker at my job for help getting food. It is her job to help needy families, and since my daughter goes to school here, I had to humble myself and ask her for help. She is going down to a food bank and getting an emergency supply of food for me plus getting difficult child free breakfast and lunch from the school for the rest of the year. I don't get my first paycheck till the 24th, so till then I will be living off a small amount of food. I told my ex my situation, and he said he can give me a little money, but I have to take my son back this weekend.

    So what else am I supposed to say to that? I can't force him to take his son when he doesn't want him. He also had the nerve to tell me in the email that I am the one who wanted to have kids in the first place and he didn't! Which is a total lie. difficult child was planned from day one. He already had two children from another marriage, and I told him right up front in our relationship that it wouldn't work out between us unless he agreed to have another child with me. He said he would love to have another child, and when I found out I was pregnant he was so happy. He went to most of my doctor's appointments and was there for the birth. He took a zillion pics of difficult child when she was a baby. He totally wanted her and now he's saying it was all my idea about having kids. With easy child we weren't trying to get pregnant, but I ran out of birth control pills and my appointment wasn't until a couple weeks later. i asked him to use a condom and he refused, saying we could use the withdrawal method and it would work. Well it didn't, and we had easy child. Now he is blaming me for getting pregnant with him in the first place, which is total BS!

    Anyway, I am going to have to sneak in easy child to my apartment. We live in a one bedroom apartment and he is not on the lease. I am going to have to try and save up enough money for a two bedroom once I start getting regular child support again. I called the school where easy child will be attending and they said they have free after school care Monday through Thursday. No care on Fridays. So I think I will have to take a very late lunch break on Fridays and take him home after school. Otherwise he would be stuck at the school for two and half hours until I got off work. I will have to drop him off 45 minutes early before school. Hopefully that won't be a problem with the school. I am going to have to take the day off work on Monday to get him enrolled at the new school. I feel so bad for easy child. He loves the school he is at now, has made good friends there, and now he is going to be yanked into a completely different school environment. Something that is hard enough for a regular kid to handle, but him being an Aspie it only makes it so much harder for him. Please keep my son in your thoughts and prayers for the next few weeks. Hopefully he will adjust well.
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    OK, I've never been through a divorce or custody issues but... to me? This is a significant change of circumstances, and you need to take him back before the court and get SIGNIFICANTLY more child support... HE has to pay for breaking the lease, new 2-br apartment in a location that works for you and the kids, more $$ on a monthly basis because easy child is growing (and eating like a horse, or will be)...
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have no words to describe your Ex. Sorry. DDD
     
  4. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Im so sorry :( Dont get me wrong that is a long way for your ex to drive for work BUT its no excuse. He could of hired someone to take your son to and from school, sometimes Insc might pay maybe ? One of my friends is in Social Work and he specifically works with kids and adults with mental maybe physical disorders and one of his clients has him go every morning to help get her son ready for the day. Id have him help me but he lives in another state! Hmm, sounds like my ex a little who blames my pregnencies on me ( ya well, he was there!) and always puts his wives/girlfriends first.. yes, several. So I know it gets overwhelming, trust me my son is a handful and I have my daughter. Luckily I do have my dad and grandfathers help but they are both disabled so I have to care for them as well which I love to do, but its hard. Luckily, I have their help financially too. Plus a couple of my good friends. What about food stamps and Hud? Cash assistance( TANF) too but the cash assistance they do contact your ex to see if he will pay first. You just have to make under a certain amount even though your working. I do get child support but no HUD or cash asst.

    Well, since the decision is made, hopefully your son will be able to get comfortable quickly as he can. I will pray for him and you all. Same with your daughter, tell him one step at a time.

    I know the apartment issue is hard, I don't know what to say but they should understand he is your son and a minor. I wish you luck
     
  5. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Luckily we have a month to month lease so I don't have to worry about breaking a lease. I like where I'm at so I am hoping to stay there and just upgrade to a two bedroom. First I need the money for a brand new deposit. I won't be getting much back from the place we have now because one of our cats tore up the screen door and the carpet has stains on it. For now it will be crowded but we'll make do. If we could all survive in a motel room, which we had to do when my ex first left us for HER, then we can certainly survive in a one bedroom. He has been emailing me back and forth all morning and I'm trying not to get too stressed out while I'm working. Now he is saying they are going to divorce unless my son moves out. So he is choosing his wife over his own flesh and blood. So sad. Oh and on my lunch break the first thing I'm gonna do is contact child support and let them know he is with me full time now.
     
  6. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Your ex sounds more and more like mine! Im so sorry. Well, a month to month is great! And if you can convince your landlord when you have the money to upgrade, you can offer maybe to help clean around the grounds or apartments for her/him. Just let them know how much you want to stay etc? I don't know, you never know! Oh ya, cats love screen doors and mine loved the curtains! Hmm, the carpet stains ya thats hard. It sounds like you can apply for emergency housing help, but be prepared, I heard some uses a white glove to inspect your house( my friend was on it) But some Churches can help with rent to, maybe not much tho.


    Im sooo sorry, my daughter heard her dad say " I cant come over to see her, I have to save my marriage" My daughter just was in shock and so hurt. She was little so she doesnt rember it now. I told my ex u tell her your not coming yourself and put the phone to hear ear on speaker he said that :( He yelled at me because I shouldnt of put the phone to her ear, I always had to tell her he canceled or sorry he didnt show etc. He told his boys ( another mom) he had to work somewhere but was caught at another place BY his boys) Hang in there, your not alone and stick with us here! You were here longer than me so you know how wonderful they are here! I tried to leave several times blaming myself for my sons problems ( of course I am sure some is still my fault )and everytime they accepted me back here :) Lots of hugs!
     
  7. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I think it is for the best that easy child moved back in with me. His dad refused to give him his ADHD medications, even though he promised me he would last year. I got difficult child's current grades emailed to me. He has a couple of C's, D's and F's. He is missing a bunch of assignments. An email from one of teachers says he is missing so much work due to lack of being able to focus and no organization. I warned his dad about this, but he refused to listen. easy child was punished for his bad grades by having his phone taken away for a week. I feel bad for him. When he was living with me and taking his Focalin, he was getting straight A's and was on the honor roll. He was so proud of himself and loved all his classes. Now that he is coming back with me I need to make an appointment with psychiatrist to get him back on his medications. Having him go live with his dad wasn't a very good idea and now I know better.
     
  8. Confused

    Confused Guest

    I don't know if you had your battles with your son, as I am- and I even told my son to live with his dad if thats what he wants, which, like you my son wouldn't have the same type of rules, or concern. I feel guilty even saying that to him. After all these years yes, it has taken a toll on me and our family as well as my son. I want him with me as I know you want him with you. You did what you feel you had to do for him and you, your daughter. Im scared of medications if the Dr prescribes but If I have no choice I will, my son actually wants them! His father ( same as my daughter, I don't know how he would react) but he loves to drink and party.. I think your son now, will be able to see differences in him with you for the better. I agree to get him back to the psychiatrist.
     
  9. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    His dad wanted to take him to live with him because he said he wanted to be more active in his life. He has a wife from hell who does not like my kids so I was reluctant. He told me he was going to take him anyway, and use my bipolar against me to gain custody. He did not want difficult child because she has too many problems, but he really wanted to be a part of my son's life. I agreed to have him move there in April. Now he's going back on his word and saying he can't handle it. Not because easy child is a bad kid, because he truly is a very easy child to raise, but simply because his wife doesn't want him there. This summer he had to go to work with his dad every day because she didn't want to have to look after him. My son had to sit there at his dad's job for ten hours bored out of his mind because she couldn't be bothered with him. I don't get what her problem is. My son is the easiest kid on this planet. He is super quiet and barely says a word. He either has his nose buried in a book or he's on his cell phone playing computer games. He doesn't cause problems. When difficult child was a baby we had my ex's teenage son living with us. He was at home with me all the time while his dad was out working. I never had a problem with him. I actually grew to love him like my own son. I treated him better than his dad did. I never complained about having him there. As a matter of fact, I kind of liked having him with me to keep me company while my ex was working long hours. I don't get what this witch has against my son or what her problem is. I know one thing, easy child moving back in with me is going to be permanent. His dad says that he wants to take him later when things are more stable, but I am putting my foot down. I won't have my son being bounced around like a basketball. He already has a hard time with transitioning as it is. He is going to be here to stay.
     
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    More stable than what? He's an a**, plain and simple.

    You need to run, don't walk, and get that child support back in place. Any man who would allow his pampered not-working wife to be too lazy to take his son to school does not deserve custody. I would be happy he is coming back with me.

    Screens are so easy and cheap to fix. Go online to youtube or something and watch a video. I've repaired mine many times. It's a lot cheaper than the landlord charging for materials, mark up, and labor. In regards to the carpet, go to lowes and get a product called Capture. We use it a lot on our rental units. It's not the easy spray on kind, but for under $20 it does a great job on spot cleaning. Your only other options are renting a steam cleaner yourself or paying $100 for a professional cleaning.

    Check your lease, we include a price list of all the costs for move out repairs as an addendum. We clearly list the cost for carpet cleaning. See if it's worth it.

    If you can do the screen yourself, and again it's really easy, and clean your carpet the landlord might be willing to roll your security over to a larger unit.
     
  11. Confused

    Confused Guest

    It amazes me that like my ex -thinks he can do a better job or want to be in their lives and yet they cant , and /or the wife cant/ or they dont want to take one or both kids no matter the problems and blame me. Your ex sounds like mine Im sorry for that. I don't know if your ex ever blamed you for their issues tho. The Bi polar issue - uggh. First of all my thought is that wouldn't hold. Not only do seem like a good mom, your stable, had him doing well, and didnt turn him over to your ex because of a boyfriend or husband issue! Plus he was only willing to take your son who has less issues? Sorry If I were a judge, Id say no way sir. Stable yikes. And I am glad you took care of his older son and you loved him :)

    I agree hes better off with you and your daughter and I wish you all the best!

    Sorry If I sound harsh- he just reminds me of my kids dad which everytime I think about my ex blah!!!
     
  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I am so sorry your son is being rejected like this. It had to have been very difficult and sad for him knowing every day he is so unwanted. I am sure he heard the discussions about him. It's better that he is with you, where he is cherished, loved and cared for. Go back to court and let the judge get more money for you. Talk to the social worker in the school about any services available for financial or food help. You'd be surprised, explain your situation. hugs
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your idiot ex, but I do feel your son is better off with you even if you have to use the food pantry for now. You ain't the first one to use it and if his father's idiot wife can boss idiot ex around against his own child, no good can come to that. You love your child and you will make due. You always manage to come through for your kids.

    Sending you good wishes and good vibes and hoping the calendar moves extra fast for you. Keep us posted.
     
  14. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    You are right that it is best for easy child to get him out of there. So sad about the friends though.
     
  15. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Ugh I am so mad at my ex! He didn't even tell my son till the last possible moment, which was right before he dropped him off Saturday for our normal weekend visit. Basically he told him, "Oh by the way, you're living with your mom now and you're not coming back. See ya." Then he took a sack of clothes out of his car, put in my car, and drove off with HER. My son was speechless. He never even gave him a chance to say goodbye to his friends. easy child is very uspset. He loved that school and he wanted to stay in contact with his friends there. I saw my ex today to pick up his withdrawal papers from the school. I told him how upset easy child was at him. Now he's saying maybe one of his friends can come visit this Saturday when he has both kids for the weekend. All I can say is he better make good on his promise. He totally handled this the wrong way and I feel bad for my poor son. I enroll him at the new school tomorrow and I am really hoping and praying he grows to love it there.
     
  16. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    The selfishness of some people is astounding. He did what was easiest for him. This way you deal with the brunt of emotional fall out instead of him. No thought at all what would be the best time for easy child to hear it.
     
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Document, document, document... you need all this stuff with you when you take him to court for REAL child support. He's got it coming. (in my opinion)
     
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