easy child is ballsy-WWYD?

[hearts and roses]

Listen to this and tell me what you think?

Next week, I have to go to FL for business and H is joining me. We will be staying over in FL from Thurs - Sun. While we're gone, exh is coming up to CT to take easy child and difficult child and their respective boyfriend's to a hockey game.

easy child extended an invitation for him to SLEEP AT MY HOUSE!!!!

OMG. I asked her where he would sleep. She said in her room. I then asked her where she and boyfriend will sleep. She said IN MY BED. She said, "I will change the sheets, I know you're weird about that". I said I didn't like that idea. If dad slept over, he could have the couch and she and boyfriend could stay in her room. I don't like anyone in my bedroom, let alone my bed!!! Ugh.

I was really peaved and told her so. Told her she had no business extending an invitation for her dad to sleep at our house while we're gone and that I thought it presumptuous of her to do so. She bawked and said that she thought it would be okay since we're not going to be there. She said she thought it was okay and that it would have been weirder if we were home. I said, "In fact, it makes me even more uncomfortable that I won't be here than if I was here", which she didn't get at all.

I have a cordial relationship with exh. Current H and exh were friends growing up, so there is a level of awkwardness, but we're all friendly enough and cordial. H and I can smell exh BS a mile a way so we have little patience when he's rattling on about something we know is untrue, but we can tolerate him in small doses. I have my own issues with him concerning lack of financial support over the years, lack of understanding and cooperation concerning both easy child and difficult child and all her issues. But overall, I'd say we're okay - fragile at times, but much better now that the girls are grown, but you know what I mean. We deal.

So, I was thinking of calling exh to discuss holiday wish lists and casually mention the game and his coming up here and then ask if he will be staying at his usual hotel. I figure if I throw it out there, he will either get the hint and stay at the hotel or he will assume that easy child never told me about his staying at our home. I think he would rather stay at the hotel anyway. It's only $50/night (it's a bit of a dump) and it's local. easy child said she thought it would be nice to save him some money!!! I figure he owes me way more than that in back support so he should be able to handle $50. Yeesh!!

So, what do you think? Am I overreacting?

 

[mstang67chic]

Nope. Not. At. All.

For me, it wouldn't matter if it was exh, boyfriend's cousin or the guy who runs the gas station down the street. easy child invited someone to stay overnight in YOUR house when you won't be home. Not cool. If it was HER house, that would be one thing. But she invited someone to stay in YOUR house. She may be old enough to extend invitations but she is also old enough to get that it's not her house.

Actually....that is a reason you can use if you don't want to tell her that you don't want your exh in the house when you aren't. It's YOUR house and you are not comfortable having someone YOU didn't invite, spending the night when you aren't home. Period. If she doesn't understand...well, that's her problem. If exh doesn't get it either, flat out tell him the same thing. It doesn't matter who it is. You aren't comfortable with it.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thank you - I feel the same way. No matter who it is, it's my home and I get to choose who stays over or not. I just need to find a way to undo it in a way that won't cause a major rift.

 

[gcvmom]

Absolutely, your house, your rules. I wouldn't want him there either.

 

[Star*]

I would, and DID put a lock on my bedroom door.

I don't have that problem, but if your x had an inclination to cheap out? I would set him straight in NO uncertain terms. I wouldn't just hint I would say "Can I have the number of the hotel you will be staying at in case I need to call you for some emergency?"

Yeah.....and as far as someones boyfriend sleeping in MY bed?

OMG ick......

I had a dream about Dude his little girl friend waking up in my bed and...pulled the cover back and she just laid there like "hello".....BLECH. Yick.....nope......nada.....no way......nah....nooooooo. There is NOT enough lysol in the world for.....mmm mmmm (shakes head). I don't think so. (Shakes icky)

Sorry - I wouldn't want him on my couch either. You're way nicer than me. The only way I'd want my x on my couch is if it was a fold up bed, he was IN it, and IT was in a compactor at the landfill.

 

[DammitJanet]

Star..tell us how you really feel? LOL.

I have to admit my kids have slept in my bed when I have left them home alone...yeah with friends. I had the king bed. I wasnt thrilled but oh well. Somehow I always had bigger fish to fry.

 

[Hound dog]

Jo, I can only say that if it were me I'd call up ex and say "sorry but easy child spoke out of turn. And what hotel do you have reservations for?"

Nope. No way. I'd have a cow! First, and above all else, it's YOUR house and to invited someone to stay without clearing it with you is a huge NO. My easy child tried that on me once....hmm, so did Nichole. Both found out quickly I had no trouble cancelling their "plans" without feeling guilty. True, it was with their friends, but still, same thing.

As for daughter and boyfriend in your bed.......Uh, not no but H*LL NO! Ewww ick ick *shudder*.

 

[hearts and roses]

Haha, Star - point taken!

I laid down the law last night with easy child. Told easy child that I was not comfortable with it and next time she should clear it with me first. She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Mom he's not staying at our house anyway and you're making too big a deal out of it".

I reminded her of how she gets skeeved if anyone even dares to share her hairbrush or makeup; how she once put a lock on her bedroom door to keep difficult child out because she borrowed clothes without asking; about how her boss laughs at her because she's such a germaphobe (and she works with snot-nosed, drooling little kids!). She just said, "yeah, well whatever, that's different". Okay, well, whatever is right.

I actually wouldn't care if easy child or difficult child slept in our bed - alone. But no one else (guests or friends) has ever been allowed in our room, and especially not in our bed, and especially a boyfriend. Just thinking about the skin flakes freaks me out. Ew.

Not to mention that he already makes himself at home when he's up. He sits at the table and reads our newspaper and craps in our bathroom, and has even sat at our computer!! I don't want him hanging around while I'm not there to supervise...imagine him on my computer. I don't think I should have to leave my house and feel nervous like that.

 

[Star*]

----I didn't mean I wouldn't have Dude sleep in my bed if I were gone. I don't care about that. But having his flav-a-flav come in and roll around under my 1000 thread count Egyptian sheets after I've waited 25 years, worked 100 hours and eaten maccaroni and cheese for months to save for that and the Country Store Comforter? Nah....whomever SHE is? She can find her own "comfort" spot and suffer just like I did-lol. I'm not sharing.

My O.C.D. would go OFF.THE.RAIL. - Used to be, after strangers woud visit; I'd rearrange the furniture. I know, weird huh? I can't imagine what I'd endure if I found Dude and a girl in my bed bumpin' uglies. (Janet..... Something would be frying but not fish.)

 

[Abbey]

LOL. Very interesting replies. I guess, as usual, I'll be the thorn. I've lived such a nomadic life in the past years that I'm quite comfortable staying wherever or having someone stay at my house even if I'm not there. (I don't have Egyptian sheets. They are more refined...Goodwill.)

I suppose you need to pick and choose your friends/family carefully. I trust them all and they trust me. I have a few friends that either just don't lock their doors or leave a hidden key for me when I get in that 'fleeing' mode. If there is not a bed available, I'll sleep on the couch, in a dog's bed (LOVE YOU ROCKSTAR!!!) or on the floor.

Many years ago my oldest son's dad came to visit in FL. We chatted a bit, then I said I was going to go away for a few days...enjoy your son. He asked about hotels and I said, absolutely not. Make yourself at home. I have no idea where he slept...never asked or really cared. He's an upstanding guy.

The last one was at my daughter's graduation and was invited to stay at ex's house. I'll admit it was a tad ackward, but within minutes I felt welcomed.

Sounds like you have a few issues going on here. You don't like people violating your personal space. Understand that. You don't like your daughter offering things without your permission. Tougher issue to deal with. You're concerned about the responsibility of ex in your house. Is it worth having a war with daughter and ex? That is for you to decide.

All I know is that you are going to Florida and it is SNOWING HEAVILY HERE, Jo. What's up with that?

Abbey

 

[hearts and roses]

Abbey, I have a split personality. Late last night as I was drifting off to sleep, I thought to myself, "Really, what's the big deal? It will probably be fine" (well, except for easy child's boyfriend sleeping in my bed anyway).

So, there is a wee part of me that isn't that unhinged about it...but the other part of me is just yelling louder! Hahaha.

It will probably end up being he stays at the local dump, er, I mean, motel, and all this worry is for naught. I will run it by H just to hear what he has to say about it though!

 

[Abbey]

Jo, you cannot deny that easy child's boyfriend and herself are not intimate. Whether that happens in your bed or on the couch or in a van doesn't make a difference. What you need to figure out is if you are going to allow this in your house...anywhere. If your personal space is precious, then get a lock on your door. Yeah, have your boyfriend over, but not in MY bed. Dad can find his own space on the floor.

To me this is one that would go in the waste basket with a few conditions. Yeah, have dad stay here. Yeah, you can have boyfriend, but I better come back and be able to lick the floors as they are so clean and sleep in sheets that smell so nice that you would raise your hands in praise. Can't do that? Well, deals off. Your choice.

You have two options. Either everything will go right, or it will smack you in the bootie. I'd rather take a small smack then having discord among my family. As you know, kids will hold on to things like this for years. All of a sudden you'll be 60+ and they'll all be apologizing. Some things are not worry of a drop of sweat.

Abbey

 

[Star*]

depends.....have you seen some of Dudes ......okay ..what if he brought the hookers home? I guess I'm this way about this ONE space in the world that is mine because I've HAD to share EVERYTHING with EVERYBODY and would share ANYTHING with ANYONE .....except that one thing. It's like the one special toy at Christmas that no one else can touch. Know what I mean?? I've never had one thing (Even my husband) that was just mine. Not my house, not my car, not my bed, not my home.....65 room mates+ in 13 years of marriage.....so
Yeah.....my bed. It's mine.....don't want to share it with my sons girlfriends.

(thinks about it)........nope...not sharing.

The rest of the house? Come on....doors are open.....but my bed? Nope. I think you have to have ONE thing in your life that is just for you that no one else can say "YOU MUST SHARE or I WILL TAKE FROM YOU."

---Not trying to come off prudish....I've shared everything all my life. Still will. Just not that. ANd I guess the other stuff in my house that I lock up is because no one ASKS for it....they just take. I hate that. I'll give you what I have...dont' take it.

Star - not an anti-share person.

 

[trinityroyal]

Jo, I would have flipped my ever-lovin' wig.

Abbey, I can completely understand the logic AND the compassion in your position. But I could never do it myself.

I am SOOOOOOO territorial. And I'm a total loner. And I have that fanatical Aspie need to have things in rigid order around me. I always know when someone else has been tidying or restocking things in the house, because something is an inch too far to the left or the right or whatever. I don't give them grief, but I have to put it back where it goes.

The thought of someone staying in my house when I'm not there would drive me right 'round the twist. Doesn't matter who it is or for what reason. Too much potential for stuff being moved, rearranged, lost or done wrong. I would worry and fret the whole time I was away and not have any fun.

Trinity

 

[Abbey]

We all have our territories. Mine is my computer. Touch it and you're dead. With my new laptop it is ultra password protected. Even H hasn't been able to hack into it and he's pretty good. Funny thing is, I have a software program that lets me know when someone has tried to log in. Trust me, he's tried daily while I'm at work.

That being said, I don't really care who crashes at my house wherever for whatever reason. Just don't touch my computer.

Abbey

 

[hearts and roses]

I am normally a very generous, gracious and hospitable person, really. No, really. I've been told that I'm very giving, etc. I think it's like everyone else - I just like to be in control of the situation and without me being here, that almost, sorta kinda leaves exh in control. Why? Because the girlies would never cross him. Oh, they cross me and H no problem, but for some reason, they feel bad for him and they will never cross him. So, it he's here, they will cater to him, etc. Nauseating.

I am curious how exh will feel about easy child's boyfriend sleeping over. We don't have a problem with it, but he likes to think he's the big bad dad and he plays the part well, let me tell you. It's comical, really, because he's never been there, ever, even for the important stuff, so for him to act like he's the big dad protecting his daughter's virtue - well, it's just a joke!

I'm not going to worry about it. I'm so stressed from work this week, that I'm just going to focus on getting away, even if there is work involved. At least it will be warm. Sorry Deb, duty calls...and it's in Tampa! Hahahaha~