easy child is refusing to come home

[Jena]

soo yup easy child again today. she's really pushing the limits as is difficult child behaviorally right now.

so i told easy child last night unfortunately there is a price to pay you have to be grounded for a mos., take your medications, we'll get you into therapy in a week and a half once your a bit calmer. it'll all be ok. we'll take the pysch letter and treating therapist to court next mos.

yet i told her specifically you have to listen you can't break rules here too. that means adhering to the punishment of the grounding. ok np problem she told me after her earlier fit of teling me once again she wanted to off herself prior to pyschdoc appointment.

so long story short today she's texting me that she's having a horrible day, how her friend wont' even look at her i was trying to be supportive via text not slam her.

i say ok i'll get you after school. she says no i'll take the bus home.i said you hate bus wha'Tourette's Syndrome up tell me the truth.

no further text. so i show up at house a bit ago after 4 and no easy child. she was never here you could tell. so i got nervous pulling up to be honest. all the words of her saying she wanted to die, than last night at pyschdoc's appointment i was so embarrassed they said we mailed bill to your house and someone wrote deceased on it and mailed it back. easy child did that! it was her handwriting.

so i call my brother who spoke to her last night and said any clue where she may be? he said no.

called husband said text and call her please. cause as a mom you get nervous what if she decided to kill herself?

so long story short the kid finally answers my texts. she's like i'm so sorry yet i can't come home i need to be with-the one friend that i have. than she says well if i come home i'll kill myself. again the death threat.

so she than calls me hysterical crying how her life is horrible, she can't take it anymore she wants to go to her friends house why can't i just give her one night to be with-her friend etc. how she is now getting texts from her ex best friend and their family telling her what a loser she is, the choices she is making, etc. how she got her friend in trouble.

meanwhile i swear on my life this other kid is the one she does drugs, smokes, has been a really bad kid i knew it tried to tell mom years ago keep an eye on her etc. yet because she doesn't get in trouble in school mom's in denial.

question is what do i do. husband and i are texting and i'm like she's saying she wants to off herself she's out in the street somewhere stating just let me have one night. do i give it to her, and fold? than if i do will i than lose control of her. the deal was you have to obide by the rules here.

or do i call the cops? husband said call the cops. sooo confusing. so sorry coming here again for help from my friends.

 

[klmno]

OK, but SHE is choosing to hang out with this other kid- sounds like 2 peas in a pod.

Jen, I could be way off base but every bit of this sounds like her trying to manipulate you into letting her do whatever she wants and bailing her out. in my humble opinion, it's not sympathy and understanding she needs right now.

 

[DaisyFace]

Jena--

Calm - deep breaths.

#1 - You know where she is. That's good.

#2 - She is upset, off her medications and threatening suicide. This is NOT good.

You may want to call police, tell them she is suicidal, out without your permission, is at such-and-such address, and she needs to be picked up and taken to psychiatric hospital or ER for observation.

 

[Jena]

no klmno she's with-the good kid. not the one i said is the bad one. she's def. hurting and upset right now that's not manipulating it's real trust me. yet the friend sh'es been with thats' the good kid i cannot remember her addy at all i just went there the other night with-them directing me.

if i call cops it'll be adding more drama. sh'es not going to off herself. she's using it as a tool right now. that i do agree upon. yet i've dealt with-cops before over her. she wont' be found trust me. they also will put a missing person's report than she'll return tonight. just more paperwork on an almost 18 year old.

i hate all this. i need one kid to give me a break for just a few days.

 

[JJJ]

You may want to call police, tell them she is suicidal, out without your permission, is at such-and-such address, and she needs to be picked up and taken to psychiatric hospital or ER for observation.

Absolutely. She has forced your hand. She needs inpatient now. Let the psychiatrists work with her in a safe environment.

 

[JJJ]

if i call cops it'll be adding more drama. sh'es not going to off herself. she's using it as a tool right now. that i do agree upon. yet i've dealt with-cops before over her. she wont' be found trust me. they also will put a missing person's report than she'll return tonight. just more paperwork on an almost 18 year old.

Jena, I have to be blunt. While you may be right that she is bluffing on the suicidal ideation, do you really want to take that chance? And, if she is doing this for the drama and you don't take her seriously and respond, she may up the ante with a suicide attempt (typical teen thinking they'll only sort of do it but she could end up injured for life). Call her other friends, someone knows where the girl lives. Drive over there, confirm she is there and call for an ambulance. Show them the texts. Insist that they take her to ER for a crisis admit.

 

[Jena]

i don't know. that's all very dramatic. and if she is doing it for effect which she is than she got what she wanted. there is no other friends that's just it. it's this one girl now. i can call the cops tell them to find her. they wont' be able to. than i'll have difficult child upset here. throwing her into pysch ward isn't the way to go with-this kid i dont' think. more drama. she thrives off of it.

my one point in coming here is that i don't want to lose my parental hold so to speak. if she gets away with tonight and she wasnt' nasty at all on the phone and i have no texts by the way stating she wants to kill herself it was verbal than i'll lose my hold and me saying your grounded won't be worth ****.

oh i hate this. let's just remember she is not a difficult child at all. she is a nasty mixed up depressed easy child. so i'm not looking for a pysch evaluation on her. i'm just looking to get her in the house and start taking her medications.

 

[Jena]

i'm going to take a drive with-difficult child and see if i can find the house again. if i can i will call the cops tell them to get her. thing is here in ny if she refuses at this age they can't force her. we've been down this road before unfortunately. yet i get the message don't let her manipulate her way thru this one tongiht even if she's hurting and sad still can't fly this way.

thank you. off to see if i can find it. just hate revving up difficult child this way. last night she was up till 2 and screaming after the cop thing with-easy child. never ever a dull moment around here.

 

[klmno]

Do you plan on giving her any punishment for this stunt (last night) when she does come home? How are you going to enforce the grounding, etc?

 

[JJJ]

She's depressed enough that she has medications. She is refusing her medications. She needs help.

 

[Jena]

not only that but my god cps is still on me this is going to really add to their case. she's going to wind up getting me in trouble.

 

[Jena]

that's why she got 400 evaluation last night and that's why shes going to a therapist. again me jumping thru hoops for kids. i get she needs help. sorry dont mean to be blunt. but yea i get that. that's why she's getting it.

 

[klmno]

((HUGS)) It's not your fault- you're going to have to find a way to get some help that helps the whole family, I think- you can't keep trying to do this by yourself. It's too much for anyone.

 

[slsh]

Jena - I have to agree with- JJJ. She needs to be evaluated tonight by a psychiatrist. She may not be a difficult child, but a lot of pcs hurt themselves too. She has made a major mistake, she is having to deal with some very unpleasant consequences, she is *deeply* depressed, and she has told you she is going to hurt herself. She needs to be evaluated right now, emergently, period.

Has nothing to do with you or with CPS or anything else. She is making threats and that needs to be evaluated right this very minute.

 

[busywend]

I agree that one way to go about it is to let her stay there. But, there has to be a discussion about it when she returns - too bad if she does not like it. There has to be an additional week to the grounding. IF she keeps it up, she will ruin her summer, driving privileges, vacations, etc.

 

[Steely]

I am gonna take the opposite approach that most would - I guess because this approach is the only one that ever worked with Matt. I would let her stay at her friends until she can regain her composure. Really Jena this is not so much about you losing your power, as it is about everyone finding an equilibrium. She just got busted, and was probably ridiculed at school to no end. She needs her friend right now. I know you want to stand your ground, but you can't right now. Even if she was in phosph, it would still be a power struggle, between you and her. Perhaps, if you just let her work through this, and give her some time, she will feel less threatened and feel as if she can come home and not have to fight. At that point, you can reinstate the boundaries and punishments.

 

[Marguerite]

let's just remember she is not a difficult child at all. she is a nasty mixed up depressed easy child

She's a difficult child. Or maybe a easy child/difficult child like my younger daughter. But her behaviour - I am amazed you still classify her s a easy child. This is not typical teen behaviour.

As I see it - she did the wrong thing. Repeatedly. Over and over while you were away. Before you went away. Constantly. She hasn't planned ahead with her bad actions, she just reacts to the NOW and then has even more crud of her own making to deal with afterwards. When she is then in trouble, she yells, she cries, she threatens suicide. Not acceptable.

My view - a suicide threat means you get dragged off to hospital and an attempt is made to admit you. Or you get dragged off to a psychiatrist. No objections can be made, no "I've changed my mind! I didn't mean it!" Because if you said it and didn't mean it, then you are the absolute lowest of the low, manipulative pieces of crud... and need to be told so. So which is it, my dear child? Did you mean it when you said it and don't mean it now, perhaps? If so - psychiatrist. Are you just being manipulative to try to reduce your consequences in the minute? psychiatrist.

If she won't come home, she's under-age (just) and CPS are after you - sorry, you have to call the cops. It shows that you are not allowing her any wiggle room. Pain in the rear to have to do it, it won't achieve a darn thing (other than show CPS that you are not condoning her bad behaviour). But you need to cover your own rear.

CPS are after you because of HER bad behaviour. So you cannot condone it (I know you're not, but you need to be SEEN to not condone it).

Writing "deceased" on the bill and sending it back - very naughty. Total mischief. QAbsolutely no excuse. This, from someone who will soon, technically at least, be an adult? She wants to be allowed to live as an adult, be given adult responsibilities, be allowed to make her own choices? Sorry, she has shown that she not only cannot, but will not behave as anything other than a wilful brat.

I dod get that she's had a lot to deal with, living with the hassles caused by difficult child. Sorry - no excuse. In out household we've had a lot of problems from having a houseful of Aspies & autistics, easy child has at times not been very easy child, if you know what I mean. But she has NEVER come close to behaving so irresponsibly. Please, do not allow anyone to make allowances for her - she will just use that to the nth degree and keep upping the ante.

So she has lost friendships because of the shoplifting? Natural consequences. So you grounded her (quite right, too) and now she responds by refusing to come home? Brat. Bad behaviour, childish behaviour. And yes, very manipulative. She probably does mean it when she says, "I wish I was dead," I remember what it feels like to have done the wrong thing and be cared to face the consequences of my actions. I remember having to carry a letter home from my teacher, I knew I had to give it to my mother and I knew I would be in big trouble when she read it. But I knew that if I did not, there would be a worse consequences for failing to follow through. I was capable of thinking it through (I did consider all the possible ways to get out of trouble - but I knew trouble would magnify if I tried it). My entire walk home was spent turning over all the ways I could try to get out of trouble. Running away - I knew it wouldn't work. I would be found. There was nobody I could go to, who would shelter me from a righteously angry mother. I could have stopped off on the way home to confide in a neighbour, but it would only delay the inevitable.

She has to face her consequences. Depression - I get that. But it does not excuse the large problems she has been causing you for a long time. She wanted dogs, but won't look after them. While you were away she let them run loose and then threw hysterics when a neighbour tried to sort out the chaos. She behaved badly in your absence. Before you left, you were concerned at her feeling neglected. You were also concerned at who would keep her in line while you were away. You tried to get her to come with you - she refused. She said she would be better staying put, she would look after things, look after herself, after all she was nearly an adult, she could behave responsibly.

Only she didn't. She hasn't. I keep reading your posts waiting for her t finally get this out of her system and step up to the plate, and she has not.

Therefore - she is NOT a easy child any more. I don't think she has been one for a long time. It's just that compared to your difficult child, she seems a lot more stable. But she is not qualified to be labelled a easy child any more.

Whatever consequences you impose, they need to be enforceable. There is no point grounding a kid who simply won't come home. What are the added consequences for not coming home? Because by crikey, if one of my kids did this to me, their heads would be spinning. I'd be threatening to charge those harbouring her, with kidnap and harbouring a criminal. Whatever I could find, whatever I could think of. I would be polite to them but make it clear - she is only carrying on like this because SHE did the wrong thing, repeatedly, and now is trying to weasel out of the consequences. I would also point out to her - she has one friend left, and if she puts that friend in a difficult position (by going there instead of home, where she is supposed to be) then she will not be permitted to have anything more to do with that friend. I would get the parents of tat friend enlisted. I don't care about lack of social interaction, not if she abuses social interaction like this.

Then it's back to basics. Provide for her just the basics, nothing more. The dogs? Find another home for them. Even just a short-term home, until she can prove she can behave responsibly. Send them somewhere they can be house-trained, for a start. If she whines - well, they need to be trained. Someone has to do it. She refused. Heck, put them in a kennel if you have to, and make her work to pay the bill.

Find where you have leverage, and use it. And stick to it. Do not back down.

If this happened with one of my kids, I would be ropable. I am certain you are too. Use it constructively. I am a firm believer in using anger constructively. You can clear a bedroom fast and fill a skip fast, when you're fuelled by anger.

Marg

 

[Jena]

hi'

difficult child and i couldnt' find her new friends house, and i stopped to get difficult child some candy on way back. trying to smile thru it.

i did call my precint explained situation, long story short their sending cop out so i can fill out a report on her. its not so much about control. i have difficult child watching all of this and i can't have her eating me alive when she's a teen because she will. some very strong lines have to be drawn in the sand with easy child so that difficult child gets mom wont' take any *** if you know what i mean.

sooooo gotta lock up the crazy dog, get the picture of lauren i know the drill too well. than make pizza with difficult child whose being patient so far. meanwhile easy child's still texting me i told you i needed tonight. my response i told you my line in the sand, and you refused to give in so now this is what i'm doing.

she' run a muck way too long. anyway an evaluation is not necessary tonight, she literally just had one last night at 7 p.m. if she does infact return and threaten suicide i will put her in the truck with-difficult child in hand and i will bring her to cpap it's called here and have one of my old social worker freinds i worked with meet with-there to push us thru. reason she has to get threatening death isnts' a behavioral "can do" to get what i want at this point. not playing that game either.

ahhhh such is life. right? damn these kids are going to kill me. husband just keeps saying baby i'm so sorry via text he's getting slammed at work with bus. thx god right now

 

[JJJ]

If this happened with one of my kids, I would be ropable. I am certain you are too. Use it constructively. I am a firm believer in using anger constructively. You can clear a bedroom fast and fill a skip fast, when you're fuelled by anger.

Marg

Welcome to the Garden of Eden....best consequence ever for incorrigible children.

 

[klmno]

i did call my precint explained situation, long story short their sending cop out so i can fill out a report on her.

that's good- I know it's hard and painful and you feel like it's a waste of time and creating more havoc...I felt the same things when I had to do it about my kid...but Marg brings up a good point- when the system is watching, the last thing you need is to be a parent who has no idea where your kid is and not report it and lord forbid, if you didn't report it and she went out and broke the law and got arrested while on a "disappearing" act. That is cause for removal from home in this state. And of course, in the unlikely event that she did harm to herself or was harmed or was actually with someone dangerous, I always felt like I'd bnever forgive myself if I hadn't at least reported it to police and askked that they go look.