easy child is refusing to come home

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
OK, but SHE is choosing to hang out with this other kid- sounds like 2 peas in a pod.

Jen, I could be way off base but every bit of this sounds like her trying to manipulate you into letting her do whatever she wants and bailing her out. in my humble opinion, it's not sympathy and understanding she needs right now.
Jena, she could be dabbling in drugs too. Kids hang out with like kids. My daughter who did drugs didn't have any clean friends. And my fourteen year old, who hates drugs, will not hang with anyone who even smokes cigarettes. You may want to check her room for signs.
I would also let her stay at friend's house, but I'd also take the suicide threat seriously. She is seventeen. You can't tell her what to do after this year anyway so trying to keep a strong hold on her won't work. She needs help more than anything in my opinion. Forget about CPS. If she tries to commit suicide, that would look worse.
Please take care.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I noticed something else in this post. I agree that she needs the consequences of her behavior.

But - this girl and her FAMILY are texting L and giving her koi? That's called HARASSMENT. Call, ask them to STOP - if you can, while police are at your house, explain and tell them you'd like them to listen in; if they don't? File a report. File charges if you have to. We had one girl doing this to Onyxx and after I blocked her # and her mom's #, they started texting/calling ME. OH, bad idea.

And if you do take her for evaluation again tonight? SHE WILL GET SOME KIND OF HELP. Two nights in a row is much more serious to the psychiatric hospital.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
Sorry, Jena. She's been like a volcano showing signs of eruption for awhile. Guess today is the day that the lava flows.

I'm not generally a "call the police" advocate. In this case I agree with the family for two reasons. Primarily there is a possibility that she is a danger to herself. Secondly...hate to say it...but you do not know her "new best friend" and, in fact, you don't know that she is where she says she is, nor do you know what environment the "new best friend" lives in or what goes on in that home. Very sadly many of us have had teens who have lied about where they were, the value of the friend there were with or allegedly with and very very sadly have discovered that regardless of what the house looks like on the outside the inside may be very dysfunctional and a danger. I have personally "met" (thanks to my easy child/difficult child) "wonderful Moms" who turned out to be jointly using drugs with their kids and friends. Yes, that is true. I did not allow him to stay at strangers homes when he was a teen so he circumvented the problem by introducting me to apparently great Moms. Years later I learned that the Mom's knew how to play the role. He even used to throw in info like "Boy, you'd love X's Mom...she's so much like you and is almost as good a cook as you are!"

It's too iffy, Jena. Better take the most cautious route. Truly I am sorry that you are facing yet another crisis but deep in your heart you've been expecting your former easy child to erupt. She has!
Hugs. DDD
 

pepperidge

New Member
Jena,

I wonder if in some perverted corner of her subconscious mind she is trying to show that she is as sick and needy as difficult child? If she is manipulating she is doing bigtime and if she isn't then she needs help fast.

If she is manipulating you are going to have to figure out how to set firm limits and stick to them. Doesn't mean you can force her to obey the limits, just means you have to be clear on what you will do if she doesn't.

I think she is going to keep testing you bigtime and manipulating you as a way to get attention of you off of difficult child and onto her.

She needs a major wake up call.
 

Jena

New Member
hi that was a wasted wasted 2 hours. bigtime. cop came, i called precint he said file a report. ok. we filled out all the reports, hes' going to look. he wont' be able to find her. she'll return when she's good and ready. he said if i do find her we'll take her to cpap for an evaluation. i said ok np. call me ill drive out and meet you. i'll be shocked if they find her. i just made the boil turn alot harder in my home by taking this stance with-her.

she's a real defiant girl. i have raised two defiant girls hands down. too bad they dont use their gift for good and not evil. now ontop of it the stupid cop called her ex beest friend and said we need addy of such and such that she's with, it's a police matter now she's stating she wants to kill herself. easy child will not be wanting to go to school due to this. it'll spread like wild fire in the nieghborhood.
 

klmno

Active Member
i just made the boil turn alot harder in my home

You might be surprised someday to learn that they know that and that is their ace in the hole, in their minds, and that's why they all keep taking the route they do. They are all convinced you will do ANYTHING to avoid that. Stick to your guns, in my humble opinion. You might think it was a complete waste right now but it will come up- either with cps or when she goes to court for the theft or for something she has yet to do.
 

pepperidge

New Member
Yeah, well that is the consequence of threatening what she is threatening. But it is tough to see them crash and burn. Maybe getting taken to the psychiatric hospital even just for an evaluation if they release her will have a sobering impact. You let her know you mean business.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
Jena, I'm on your team. If the police call her friends to find the address or they track down the cell phone number or house number she may have used to call you....her best interests are served. I have read too many sad obits for teens to think it's not worth the stress. As I've said before I also know that there is a good chance that she is not in a safe environment. I know it's a _ but she is the one who named the game and now you have to follow through. Hugs. DDD
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Jena, calling the police was never going to be a waste of time. Even if NOTHING is done as a result - there is now a paper trail. You notified the cops. If they don't bring her home, it is not your fault.

Taking her to the emergency room (or whatever it is called) - it is highly likely you would get there and she would say, "Mum made it all up, I'm fine," and they would have to discharge her. But time would have been wasted FOR HER. Other people's time wasted too (including yours) but right now, think in terms of inconvenience for her. It's time to make life darned inconvenient, and to hit her with natural consequences. And the natural consequences for making suicide threats - you get to be evaluated and that often means a lot of waiting around. Take your knitting.

It also is more documentation.

Go through her life. Look at the basics you MUST provide - shelter, food, clothing - and strip it back to basics. She has to earn back ANY privileges. You might not be able to physically stop her going AWOL, but until she toes the line, then under your roof she gets a mattress on the floor, steamed rice to eat and basic op-shop clothing to wear. Everything else - put it into storage somewhere. Hopefully it shouldn't take long.

I do agree that drugs need to be considered, but I don't think they're the main issue here. She's behaving badly all on her own, I suspect. I'm still flabbergasted by her writing "deceased" on that bill and sending it back. That's not drugs, that's pure mischief. Hang on - isn't that a Federal offence? Tampering with someone else's mail? If it is, check it out then read her the riot act. Tell her that you are within your rights to report it and ask for charges to be pressed. It was a blasted stupid thing to do - did she think it wouldn't ever come back to bite her? and certainly shows extreme immaturity. She does not at the moment deserve any adult pleasures or choices. She blew those options right out of the water.

You really could have done without all this. But since it is what has happened - use your anger. I've got some steel-capped Lotte Lenya boots you can borrow (they not only have steel caps, but when you click the heels together, poisoned blades pop out of the toes). Get kicking!

Marg
 

Jena

New Member
hi

no it's not a federal offense was addressed to her, pyschiatrist office is stupid. shocking...... :)

i've done this before, during the time frame my easy child (computer) broke and i was off board for an extended time frame we were handling easy child craziness than also. we did the cop reports, missing person's i know the drill all too well. it all began when she began to date that piece of ***** that recently dumped her. we brought in home services in to work with-her brought her to weekly therapy until she pulled the i'm done with this stuff. refused to go, refused the in home workers. and we had to shut it down due to fact she was 17 back than. than we handled it in home. she calmed for a period of time it looked as though she was doing well, and we skated by. looked into wilderness camps husband adn i couldnt' swing the loan amt. so she finally became managable out of the blue.

than this began again. she was awesome around time i got married really likes husband, and than difficult child got sick and she began to blow. and its been snowballing ever since. she's in alot of pain i get that i truly do. yet she can't fight the hand that feeds her. i'll do whatever i can to help her she gets that i adore her. yet at the end of the day 18 or not i can't have her telling me what she'll do and when she'll do it. and that's what she did today. she belonged home with-me and difficult child a quiet night making pizza crying if she needed to taking her medications and going to bed.

yet she had to act out and create more drama she loves it. she doesnt' realize it yet she's talking to a pro at it. my entire life has been drama filled majority of times not by my choice or liking situational (dad etc.) so i became accustomed to that functioning level of how well if fuction under fire. she has too i think. difficult child has created such turmoil in our world and i know she resents her greatly. we lack finances due to difficult child and doctor's, a better home, etc. it's all very true infact. yet at the end of the day i told her this if difficult child had a medical issue a physical handicap you could actually see you wouldnt' be angry you would be empathic, yet she doesn't we are in the grey matter all the time.

i've made my mistakes too i'm not one of those parents who say oh no i am all good all the time. no way. i get up each day and say today how can i do better be the best me to them and to myself. and most times i'm good with me in the mirror by the end of it. yet there are times i think i cushioned protected and favored difficult child not meaning to due to all her illnesses and that cup of tea at the dining room table just wasnt' enough for her with-me. than the dinner's out she stopped wanting. shes' very sad truly needs medicine and is going up against alot right now with-o the right person on her side. that person should be me, husband, difficult child her family. not her friends with whom will leave her in a heart beat.

i gotta release from this to stay sane and healthy for me. spoke to detective he said do you think she'll hurt herself. i said honestly in her right mind no. yet add alcohol into it and she's probably drinking tonight i can't say for sure she wouldnt' get herself into trouble somehow and harm herself. even if its' drinking in the woods (unsafe) or being around boys she doesn't know (unsafe) there too much of an eliminate of doubt when alcohol is added in the mix.

difficult child ofcourse is a wreck needless to say.
 

klmno

Active Member
[ yet at the end of the day i told her this if difficult child had a medical issue a physical handicap you could actually see you wouldnt' be angry you would be empathic, yet she doesn't we are in the grey matter all the time.

/I]


Jen, this doesn't mean I think the problems in the household are your fault but I do think that having everything come back to your young difficult child's issues and necessary care is a mistake, There is major dysfunction in your family, in my humble opinion, and while it isn't your fault, it isn't going to get better if you can't see it and start handling things differently.

Ok, I'll bite my tongue now since I'm not an expert or dr.
 
H

HaoZi

Guest
I have no advice to offer except if this is a good friend and letting her go to ER with easy child is an option, it might not be a bad idea. Other than that, just *hugs*.
 

Andy

Active Member
Jen, I know it is late where you are. My advise would have been to tell her that you MUST be able to speak with the friend's mom. It is scary not knowing where your child is even if you do feel it is a good friend.

My concern with her staying over there tonight is too much time spent with another kid trying to solve things on their own level. easy child needs help from adults, not the direction of a well meaning same aged friend.

Also, no matter how well meaning the friend's family is, they also can not be putting the plans into action that they think will solve this. They do not really know what is going on in easy child's life outside of her version of things.

So, if you do choose to allow her to stay, the 1st condition is that you get to talk to the friend's mom NOW!!!! You need the address and phone number. The mom NEEDS your phone number also!

The friend's mom does not need to know the entire details of easy child's life, just that "easy child is having a difficult time right now. Are you really o.k. with having an extra person in your house tonight? Here is my phone number in the event plans change and you need me to come get her."

Maybe compromising in this way will help the situation for tonight? Give you both time to breath and think about how to approach it tomorrow.
 

Jena

New Member
klmno - well that was kinda nasty to be honest and didn't expect that shot from you. it's an enlightening night. no kidding there is major dysfunction, if there wasn't i wouldnt' be here. and yea raising a difficult child as you know yourself hurts other family members. i'm not alone with-her i have other kids here and not just easy child and a husband i also have 2 step kids, who need from me. so it's far from easy. everything does not fall back on difficult child.it's just a fact difficult child has taken front and center since birth due to ALL her issues, it's simple fact easy child has alot of resentment towards difficult child. that's as per a an expert the last therapist easy child talked to for all of two sessions and than stopped going again. difficult child is who she is, and yes it's all grey and yes if it was a medical or a physical ailment she wouldnt' be so resentful i know her. yet she is and almost all of us are dealing in the grey matter here with-our kids. there are no tests to test for bipolar, or this or that. it is what it is. that statement is extremely true that you quoted. i'm sure for not only me yet for other members here and their families. easy child's always get hurt in the shuffle of our difficult child's. it just happens as good of parents we try to be it just happens. as does life.

anyway she's home. i text her that i loved her being out and upset isn't the answer she needs to be home with-me and to stop digging a larger hole and together we'd find a way and sh'ed get thru this. husband also text her. 5 min. later i got a text mom please come get me.

she cried a whole lot i just held her, than she got mad over her best friend her chose she made and she took her medication and i just said sleep tmrw's a new day. she's now passed out. she was a wreck when i got her. and yes her decisions are her own, yet fact remains difficult child has taken up too much of my time and i haven't been able to give to everyone else.my fault. tha'Tourette's Syndrome going to change.

thanks to everyone for all the responses, being there as always and the continued support that i've come to rely on. ((hugs))
 

Andy

Active Member
I am so relieved that she is home! :)

Now, write down that address and how to get there. You may need to know it in the future! :)

I hope you are able to get a good night's sleep tonight.


p.s. Not sure if I read that right but if you feel there was even a slight chance she drank tonight, be careful about the medications!
 

Jena

New Member
she wasn't there. i met her in the middle of nowhere literally. yet address of new friend will be gotten trust me lol. andy i was so grateful to see her i didnt' get mad, say a word just hugged her alot. i keep saying maybe this is all good, the arrest tonight even. things gotta get worse before they get better. sh'es been hurting a real long time now and didn't address it along the way. it's not just difficult child that's a huge brunt of it.
 

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
I don't think that is a nasty shot from Klmno, I think she cares about you. We all care about you.

I've been where you are because of my difficult child 2. We were all in an uproar because of his poor choices. I had to draw MY line in the sand. I refused to let his hysteria rule our home. My entire family deserved a much better life.

I think your older daughter is being strangled by her sister's neediness. I'm sorry, this really stinks.
 

Jena

New Member
so very true we all are and only i can put a stop to it. sorry you went down the same road. i'm heading to bed i'm shot. and yea it goes with-o saying and i think i did say it everyone here is amazing. be lost with-o it here. been hardest year we've ever had.
 

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
You are not alone, there has to be a way for you to find some relief, why are you the only one to take this on? God bless you, sweetie! My children have greatly improved. Yours have a good chance of making it. I can finally breath now, I wish for you the same. It does get better as they mature.
 
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