easy child is refusing to come home
- Thread starter Jena
- Start date
DDD
Well-Known Member
Phew/Whew! What a relief to know that she is safely at home. I bet she's more relieved than any of you. Once you've put yourself into a scarey place there is nothing more curative than being home.
I assume eventually she will share more about her whereabouts and emotions with you. Chances are she wasn't where she said she was and perhaps she put herself in more danger than she imagined possible. Fingers crossed that today brings a little settling down for your whole family. Hugs DDD
I assume eventually she will share more about her whereabouts and emotions with you. Chances are she wasn't where she said she was and perhaps she put herself in more danger than she imagined possible. Fingers crossed that today brings a little settling down for your whole family. Hugs DDD
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
I, too, am glad she's home. I hope she got some good, QUALITY sleep.
Is there ANY WAY AT ALL you can get husband or someone to be with difficult child for a while? L needs respite, just as much as you do. I know it's cold. But - take her out for ice cream (JUST YOU TWO), tell her what you've told us - you love her, and you know you've been spending so much time with difficult child, you don't *mean* to ignore her... And what would she like for you to do, to help (within reason, but you know that)???
Just letting them know you're THERE seems to help. My Mom did this for me a while back - things with her were really strained last year after we told her we were going to try the IVF, she said some stuff, I never got over it - but she was THERE when I needed her, when it did not work and I was devastated - and I know I am an adult, but it works.
And - hugs, hon. You've been through a lot lately.
Is there ANY WAY AT ALL you can get husband or someone to be with difficult child for a while? L needs respite, just as much as you do. I know it's cold. But - take her out for ice cream (JUST YOU TWO), tell her what you've told us - you love her, and you know you've been spending so much time with difficult child, you don't *mean* to ignore her... And what would she like for you to do, to help (within reason, but you know that)???
Just letting them know you're THERE seems to help. My Mom did this for me a while back - things with her were really strained last year after we told her we were going to try the IVF, she said some stuff, I never got over it - but she was THERE when I needed her, when it did not work and I was devastated - and I know I am an adult, but it works.
And - hugs, hon. You've been through a lot lately.
hi
i told husband we have to find some money for easy child and i to join yoga together so he said we'll try to make it work. today difficult child has her first riding lesson and easy child and i are heading to gym's and yoga places after to price them.
i'm glad she's home too yet she's one angry girl. she already cursed difficult child out this morning. i had to do a whole therapy session half asleep before coffee stating ok say what your really feeling use those words i had to keep pushing easy child to get out the "right" words than let difficult child hear it and let them communicate with-o all the verbal aggression. yes this is a full time undertaking. easy child is really mad at difficult child bigtime. she feels like difficult child has stolen me away from her. so she's acting out all over the place.
yet she is verbalizing which is good. i contacted therapist today to line up an exact day for easy child to go. difficult child's just like what's going on. she doesn't get the impact she's had on our home nor should she get it she's 11 and well sick.
anyway i contacted my therapist friend last night who works for the in home crisis team i used to work for. she's going to go to the place monday adn tell them the havoc i'm in and i need back up right away and bodies in this house for my family and mainly me. so we'll see i'm hoping they cut the red tape and give me 5 ppl in here each week. i think that'll help me alot. it is way too much for one person.
husband feels bad because he cant' be here. i said it's all good you gotta keep making the money yet text the kids more let your presence be felt even though your constantly working let's try our best to make us a stronger unit. i said i know we can get thru this and to the other side and live a calm boring life lol. yet i need help. i really do with this. i can't run a therapy session each time easy child rages it's very time consuming. difficult child's been pushing it too lately with-the mouth. so last night 3rd night in a row she was punished and sent to her room where i physically had to escort her because she refused to move. she's 5'5' by the way. so she's almost my height.
i'm hoping the riding lessons give difficult child that feeling of having a life, than tmrw is church easy child won't go she said she doesn't believe in god. i slept so good last night literally passed out at 2:30 once husband and i finally stopped talking and woke up at 1130 all of us so late except husband he was out to work again by 8:30.
i told husband we have to find some money for easy child and i to join yoga together so he said we'll try to make it work. today difficult child has her first riding lesson and easy child and i are heading to gym's and yoga places after to price them.
i'm glad she's home too yet she's one angry girl. she already cursed difficult child out this morning. i had to do a whole therapy session half asleep before coffee stating ok say what your really feeling use those words i had to keep pushing easy child to get out the "right" words than let difficult child hear it and let them communicate with-o all the verbal aggression. yes this is a full time undertaking. easy child is really mad at difficult child bigtime. she feels like difficult child has stolen me away from her. so she's acting out all over the place.
yet she is verbalizing which is good. i contacted therapist today to line up an exact day for easy child to go. difficult child's just like what's going on. she doesn't get the impact she's had on our home nor should she get it she's 11 and well sick.
anyway i contacted my therapist friend last night who works for the in home crisis team i used to work for. she's going to go to the place monday adn tell them the havoc i'm in and i need back up right away and bodies in this house for my family and mainly me. so we'll see i'm hoping they cut the red tape and give me 5 ppl in here each week. i think that'll help me alot. it is way too much for one person.
husband feels bad because he cant' be here. i said it's all good you gotta keep making the money yet text the kids more let your presence be felt even though your constantly working let's try our best to make us a stronger unit. i said i know we can get thru this and to the other side and live a calm boring life lol. yet i need help. i really do with this. i can't run a therapy session each time easy child rages it's very time consuming. difficult child's been pushing it too lately with-the mouth. so last night 3rd night in a row she was punished and sent to her room where i physically had to escort her because she refused to move. she's 5'5' by the way. so she's almost my height.
i'm hoping the riding lessons give difficult child that feeling of having a life, than tmrw is church easy child won't go she said she doesn't believe in god. i slept so good last night literally passed out at 2:30 once husband and i finally stopped talking and woke up at 1130 all of us so late except husband he was out to work again by 8:30.
Steely
Active Member
You know Jena
When I was your PCs age, I went through a very similar situation. I was the perfect student and perfect kid, until one day, I just sorta snapped. Probably puberty, hanging out with the wrong crowd, wanting my independence, etc. I started smoking pot, and sleeping with guys, lying, all that jazz. The entire time, I pushed my parents, farther and farther away from me, which caused my parents to yell and punish me more and more. I felt so alone, and so scared. I did not know what was happening to me - all I knew was that I felt different.
Well, one day, in the middle of one of these show downs with my parents I told them I wanted to kill myself. The truth of the matter was that I did feel that, but I did not have a plan, or a true desire to do it - I just wanted out of the situation I was in.
Well, my parents freaked. They told me that I was going to go get a psychiatric exam, which was actually a lie. They tricked me into hospitalization. I was dropped at an office door, thinking it was just like a 2 day stay and hours later I was told that I would be there TWO YEARS. This was in 1983 where being in a hospital for that long was the norm. It was not an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and this hospital still exist today, only the are now practicing the standard 7-10 days. Anyway I flipped my lid when I was told two years......... I was not allowed any, ANY telephone contact. I could only write letters. And the level of illness of the girls I was with was horrific. Anyway, I could go on and on about how this scarred me - and how abusive that place was - but that is not the point.
The point is that had my parents done what you are doing with easy child my WHOLE life would have changed. If they had just connected with this lost scared kid, hugged her, gotten me therapy, reassured me it was all going to be OK - (and the huge thing that you are doing) TALK to me, not yelled, my entire life would have taken a different path.
I am SO glad that your easy child is talking to you, that she knows you and husband love her - that is the most important piece to this entire puzzle - kudos for making it so for your child.
.
When I was your PCs age, I went through a very similar situation. I was the perfect student and perfect kid, until one day, I just sorta snapped. Probably puberty, hanging out with the wrong crowd, wanting my independence, etc. I started smoking pot, and sleeping with guys, lying, all that jazz. The entire time, I pushed my parents, farther and farther away from me, which caused my parents to yell and punish me more and more. I felt so alone, and so scared. I did not know what was happening to me - all I knew was that I felt different.
Well, one day, in the middle of one of these show downs with my parents I told them I wanted to kill myself. The truth of the matter was that I did feel that, but I did not have a plan, or a true desire to do it - I just wanted out of the situation I was in.
Well, my parents freaked. They told me that I was going to go get a psychiatric exam, which was actually a lie. They tricked me into hospitalization. I was dropped at an office door, thinking it was just like a 2 day stay and hours later I was told that I would be there TWO YEARS. This was in 1983 where being in a hospital for that long was the norm. It was not an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and this hospital still exist today, only the are now practicing the standard 7-10 days. Anyway I flipped my lid when I was told two years......... I was not allowed any, ANY telephone contact. I could only write letters. And the level of illness of the girls I was with was horrific. Anyway, I could go on and on about how this scarred me - and how abusive that place was - but that is not the point.
The point is that had my parents done what you are doing with easy child my WHOLE life would have changed. If they had just connected with this lost scared kid, hugged her, gotten me therapy, reassured me it was all going to be OK - (and the huge thing that you are doing) TALK to me, not yelled, my entire life would have taken a different path.
I am SO glad that your easy child is talking to you, that she knows you and husband love her - that is the most important piece to this entire puzzle - kudos for making it so for your child.
.
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steely i so often have pondered what id' be, where i'd be if my parents had given me just that growing up. if my mom had listened at 13 when i flipped out had really listened instead of being so overly reactive. yet she didnt', instead she popped me in a residential home for 4 mos. where a counselor there tried to rape me. sheesh i know lol. p.s. i got him fired and me outta there.
point is i sit back so many times down and through my journey here and have had to look at my past the mistakes both my parents made and had to say the same. yet for me to become me again the most important piece i had to get ok with was that it didnt' matter what my dad did to me growing up, how my mom controlled me minimal hugs love support. what mattered was the person i am today the strength it has taught me the ability it has given me to love my children in a way my parents never could. in hindsight and this is sick i know lol they did me a favor in a sense. it if wasn't for their treatment of me i wouldn't be the person i am today.
the person i am today is someone who can as you can handle a difficult child, fight the fights the battles, regain your sanity when it's most needed, the person who can hug easy child when i saw her and not yell at her or punish her further yet just go back to the basics that we didnt' have enough of that simple hey your my kid and it doesnt' matter i love you no matter what you do and i'm here.
so that was the final peace for me. are there more things to muttle through? oh yea def. i hope i never stop growing and learning about me, yet accepting what my story is where i came from was a huge part of it. for years literally years i would get stuck on that picture in my mind of what should of been, that i got cheated i could of been the lawyer or doctor i wanted to be. yet life had something different for me and for you.
your a great person and i appreciate the vote of confidence at a time in which it is greatly appreciated. i've waivered back and forth these past few mos. husband and i though have luckily found humor as of late something we were lacking for a very long time.
funny story last night we sat and just talked for hours about easy child, difficult child, our life, what we deserve taking difficult child off front and center giving balance to our family somehow with him gone so often. than he said wow it's cold in here i said yea it is. he went to the basement and guess what? the oil tank was EMPTY. he also forgot to order an oil delivery when i was in portland.
we just sat there laughing and freezing cold. he went and checked the kids to make sure they were covered. unreal........
point is i sit back so many times down and through my journey here and have had to look at my past the mistakes both my parents made and had to say the same. yet for me to become me again the most important piece i had to get ok with was that it didnt' matter what my dad did to me growing up, how my mom controlled me minimal hugs love support. what mattered was the person i am today the strength it has taught me the ability it has given me to love my children in a way my parents never could. in hindsight and this is sick i know lol they did me a favor in a sense. it if wasn't for their treatment of me i wouldn't be the person i am today.
the person i am today is someone who can as you can handle a difficult child, fight the fights the battles, regain your sanity when it's most needed, the person who can hug easy child when i saw her and not yell at her or punish her further yet just go back to the basics that we didnt' have enough of that simple hey your my kid and it doesnt' matter i love you no matter what you do and i'm here.
so that was the final peace for me. are there more things to muttle through? oh yea def. i hope i never stop growing and learning about me, yet accepting what my story is where i came from was a huge part of it. for years literally years i would get stuck on that picture in my mind of what should of been, that i got cheated i could of been the lawyer or doctor i wanted to be. yet life had something different for me and for you.
your a great person and i appreciate the vote of confidence at a time in which it is greatly appreciated. i've waivered back and forth these past few mos. husband and i though have luckily found humor as of late something we were lacking for a very long time.
funny story last night we sat and just talked for hours about easy child, difficult child, our life, what we deserve taking difficult child off front and center giving balance to our family somehow with him gone so often. than he said wow it's cold in here i said yea it is. he went to the basement and guess what? the oil tank was EMPTY. he also forgot to order an oil delivery when i was in portland.
we just sat there laughing and freezing cold. he went and checked the kids to make sure they were covered. unreal........
