easy child moved out

[Star*]

Aw Terry -

This is so hard. I remember when I got your family picture at Christmas time and thought WHAT a lovely family - I mean it. You all look like you belong in a magazine or in a picture frame picture as advertisement. And your daughter? OMG what a stunner. She just looks like the sweetest thing and her eyes are just georgeous!

I think in the end this is probably going to be good experience for her - because in August, like you said she's gone for a lot longer than down the road because she's upset with her brother. As for him? I would find it very difficult to look at that sweet face of his and levy punishments. (must be hard being the Mom).

I wish I had some advice for you - but when my son got to the age of "exploring" womens things - my underpants were not so Victorias Secrets and no one wants to sneak a pair of underwear out to their buddy for show and tell that you could literally jump off the roof with and land softly with.

Hugs for your crummy day - and it NEVER hurts to ask that handyman to cut you a deal considering everyone is in a crunch. If I answer our phone one more time to someone saying "It's a buyers market -what's your best deal?" I could scream and be heard where you live.

 

[Fran]

Hugs.What a sad thing it is that every member of the family is impacted by difficult child's negative behaviors.

 

[luvmyottb]

So sorry Terry. Our difficult child's do impact our easy child's. I was always so hopeful my difficult child and easy child could be close, but easy child can't find it within himself to tolerate her GFGness. It's disappointing for all in the family.

My easy child is older and will be going off to school in 2 years and I am already so sad about it. I wish it could have been different for him growing up in our household. I so get it!

I'm glad it appears she maybe coming home. Enjoy your time with her. Can husband supervise difficult child while you spend extra time with easy child over the next few months?? We go into warrior mom so much with difficult child that sometimes easy child gets lost in the shuffle.

He needs to understand the boundaries with the panties thing. It does take a difficult child longer than most.

 

[Wiped Out]

Terry,
I'm so sorry. This is so hard and hits very close to home. Honestly, I think if my easy child had a good friend she felt comfortable enough with she would want to move out right now too. The siblings of difficult children deal with so much, maybe too much at times. I'm glad you are able to get the locks on the doors. We have them on ours and easy child's to help keep difficult child out.
Sending some hugs your way tonight.

 

[Nancy]

Terry, difficult child has gotten fired already from Panera Bread and she now works at Limited Too but they only gave her 4 days of work over Christmas and she has only worked 3 1/2 since then. Could it be because she goes to work in torn jeans, with holes in the most inappropriate places. She says they are allowed????

I don't think she will ever be able to hold a job for any length of time.

Nancy

 

[TerryJ2]

Aw, Nancy, I'm sorry.

Thank you, everyone.
Leave it to you, Star, to make me laugh.

Last night I was too wiped out to post.

easy child, difficult child, husband and I had a mtng after dinner. easy child did most of the talking, and made it clear to difficult child that he was the reason she had moved out. She told him that between urinating on the sink and on her makeup, wiping fecal matter on her towels, and wearing her panties, she was grossed out, violated and angry and was not coming back until he was able to show he could control himself, and that he had remorse.

He said he understood perfectly. He never said he was sorry, and he also defended himself, but we all said we've had this conversation b4 and he didn't have a leg to stand on. He knows that the locks were installed on PCs door because of him.

husband had easy child and difficult child shake hands on their deal that he would straighten up and she would move back then.

After he left the table, easy child told us that she had agreed with-the therapist that she would stay out of the house for a month!

I wasn't expecting it to be that long.

I spoke to the two moms where she will be staying. One is leaving town twice because her daughter is visiting colleges, so easy child will move to the other house. On Mon she will go back to the first house. I hope easy child gets tired of schlepping around and comes back early.

We sent breakfast cereal with-her, and a few frozen dinners, but both of the moms are willing to make dinners for her and treat her like a family member. (I told one that she should do the wash! )

Well, I suppose it's the best of a bad situation.

 

[Nancy]

Aw Terry I'm sorry. I must say that easy child is handling this very maturely and you must be so proud of her even though your heart is breaking.

Nancy

 

[Shari]

I know its not perfect, but given the situation, it sounds pretty darn good. And you and easy child have some good friends for her to have a place to stay like that. That is SOOOO important.
***
Kudos to you for organizing/planning/coordinating all this. I'm sure its so hard to watch your easy child be the one leaving, but it really sounds like this is best for everyone for now. You're doing a great job.

 

[Jena]

i'm so late to this but i wanted to say i'm so sorry. It really can rip a family to shreds and pressure the entire household. It sounds like easy child has got a good head on her shoulders, and the planning of all of it was great as well.

I'm wondering are all these behaviors recent like past mos or so now? I dont' remember them in the beginning.

I"m sending you lots of hugs and i'm so sorry i'm late to this.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all once again.

Yes, these behaviors have manifested in the past. It's just gotten to the point where easy child cannot deal with-it, or at least, chooses not to deal with-it.

I spoke with-both moms ... one was very friendly and talkative and the other very matter of fact and never talked about the "issue." It was embarrassing for me, but it is what it is. We are making the best of a bad situation.

difficult child hasn't talked about his sister all day and hasn't expressed any loneliness so far. I don't know how long it will take to sink in.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you have to go through this hurt. I think a month is probably a good length of time for her to maybe start to recover. It really is hard when you are violated this way. As a parent we have a bond with our kids, even the adopted ones. But sibs don't always have that bond, and sometimes they do things to each other that just go beyond what a sibling can live with.

I really do think you need some major interventions in place for difficult child, as I don't think the inappropriate urination and soiling problems or the underwear problems are going to go away soon. I think he may be dealing with urges he cannot or willnot face, and that the next few years will be incredibly hard.

I do think that the more you can make him do physical chores when he is in trouble the quicker you will get through to him. Rake the leaves, mow the grass, trim hedges, scrub bathtubs and toilets, etc.... All of these involve using more than just the brain to deal with a situation. adn the more senses you can involve the more impact you make on a person.

Sending gentle hugs to all of you. How is husband handling all of this?

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you, Susie.
husband is ... sad. He didn't sleep well the first two nights that easy child was gone.
He has problems understanding psychiatric issues. He want to think that people can just use positive affirmations and make things happen. He's getting there. It's been a huge paradigm shift for him.
Yes, it is a great idea to have difficult child to physical things instead of just mental things. I'm thinking that we have an awful lot of pinecones outside that need raking today ...

 

[susiestar]

The ONLY thing that got through to Wiz, and eventually got him to settle down and accept rules and responsibility was doing hours and hours of yardwork with my dad. My dad would work with him, make sure he had a mask on when cutting grass (major allergy for him), have him help trim the trees and hedges their yard is overgrown with.

it was adding the physical labor and all of the senses that are used in that that helped rewire his brain.

I hope you and husband can work something out like this for difficult child. Otherwise you may have to think about an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that can help with the sexual issues.

 

[TerryJ2]

Susie, you stole the idea right out of my head.

We had a horrendous night last night.
I was seriously thinking Residential Treatment Center (RTC) NOW!
I really like the physical labor idea. I have one more idea to put in place b4 I throw in the towel.

We met with-easy child today for lunch. She is very happy and well adjusted. She says she definitely made the right move. She loves that she doesn't have to worry about her personal belongings being sprayed with-urine or worn.
And of course, she doesn't have to deal with-the walking-on-eggshells biz, never knowing when difficult child will assert himself and try to take over the TV or something.

At church, we have a time when you can stand up in front of everyone and light a candle to express joys or concerns. I lit one today, and said, "This is for my family."