easy child stopped talking to us around Christmas time

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by cubsgirl, Aug 15, 2014.

  1. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    easy child has always been an easy child but I put her through a lot with my alcohol addiction (I'm now in recovery and have been for years).

    Last October I took her on a trip to New Orleans. One night in the hotel room she let loose for two hours (and I allowed her to) about what my alcoholic ways had done to her. We made peace and enjoyed the rest of the trip.

    In December of 2013 we heard she was having financial difficulties so we sent her $350. She thanked us profusely. Five days later she found her biological father on Facebook (my husband raised her from 1 year old on - biological father left me when I was 3 months pregnant) and stopped speaking to us that day.

    God only knows what he has told her but my son, who is autistic and 18, talked to her via email a few days ago and she says I am a horrible person who did horrible things. I'm not sure what horrible things I did as she did not give specific examples but it is hurtful nonetheless.

    We love easy child and she has totally cut us off. She changed addresses (we think she lives only 15 minutes from us after living 3 hours from us for college), she changed phone numbers. We have no way of contacting her, except our son via email. She is still on my husband's insurance so we see her medical provider's information but we do not hear from her.

    Do we give her space? We cannot really reach out. We have no idea what we did to make her go so south on us.
     
  2. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I should add that she is 20 years old and moved out at 18 to live with boyfriend 3 hours away.
     
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{{hugs}}} dear friend

    I have no advice to offer but my heart would be breaking too.

    Just to throw out there - right now may appear to easy child that a) dad abandoned me at conception (which is a horrible thought) or b) mom drove dad away before I was born.

    A) means he abandoned her and b) means you drove him away. In black and white- A) looks a lot better.

    Just give her some space for now.
    Ime, leopards don't change their spots. He will show her his true self in time. I am so sorry you are hurting in the meanwhile xo
     
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    As a relative easy child with both mommy and daddy issues, I too vote for letting her have some space and time. When we grow up, there is a time we evaluate our childhood, several in fact, but the first one tends to be soon after we leave home. When there has been bigger issues, even older ones, they tend to come forefront again and need some working through before things can be truly forgiven and moved on from.

    Let's face it, when we are minors and our parents have total control over our life, we simply don't have much chance to look them critically or not to 'forgive' them anything and everything. It is about survival. It is only after we have bit distance and safe place of our own before we can look back and truly think through things that happened. And after that long of suppressing it all, things tend to seem very big, even bigger than they are. It takes some work to get through it, understand that our parents are just human and prone to humanly errors and forgive that and build a relationship a new.

    I know it took me couple years to work through and forgive my mom after leaving home, and I did go through it soon again when I got pregnant with difficult child, other typical time to go through your relationship with your mom, but after that turmoil I was able to see my mom in totally different light and we built a really good relationship again. Unfortunately my mom didn't live too many years after that, but those years were great for us, as hurtful, or at times even nonexistent as our relationship had been when I was in my early twenties.

    I haven't yet gone through this with my sons, easy child is still at home and difficult child is still way too immature and dependent of us to take this step in growing up and take a critical look to us, but I do know it will be coming. And considering everything it will likely not be pretty.

    I'm very sorry you are hurting. And sorry that your daughter is probably also hurting. But with all likelihood there will be time to reconcile soon again.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, my guess (which could be wrong) is that her bio. dad told her all about you and she bought it. My son, a child we adopted at age six who never really bonded with us, left us too without a word of explanation.

    Nothing is more cruel than to leave a loved one without giving that person a voice.

    I do not know if you can contact your ex to talk to him and maybe get him to tell you what is going on or to be sympathetic to you or not. In the end, it is really your daughter's life walk she is taking. I tried very hard to get my son to respond to letters I wrote, but he and his wife actually ridiculed them then archived them on his computer...not sure why he did that. I don't know if there is a path you can take or not. Every person is different. One thing I know, I consider a harsh cut off, with no explanation or hearing, a form of abusive behavior. It is too bad your daughter is choosing to express her (whatever is going on in her head) in this way. Maybe things have been festering inside of her, but it would be kind of her to at least share her reasons for this unexpected break from you.

    I suggest therapy. That's where I went when my son did this and it was very helpful. The psychologist was very good and we took this part of my life's walk together. He exposed it for what it was to me and then I was able to accept it and move on.

    But in your case, this may not last long. You can't guess. I still think therapy would help you so you have coping skills no matter what the next step is.
     
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi Cubsgirl,
    That has to hurt - I am so sorry, it must be so confusing and confounding for you right now.

    I don't think you have a choice but to leave her alone for now. She's young. Her biological father will reveal his true self to her in time. The other problem I foresee is that you'd have to use your 18 y/o as a conduit in any contact with her, and that would put him in an extremely awkward position. You can ask your son just once to let your daughter know you're here and you want to communicate with her whenever/if ever she's ready. Then that's it...the ball's in her court.

    Again, sorry for what you're going through.
     
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry cubsgirl. That's painful. It doesn't sound as if YOU did anything at all to 'make her go south'. It does appear as if she is being influenced by another. As others have noted, it may be best to leave her alone for the moment, let her know you love her and you're here for her and allow it to unfold in a natural way. She will likely figure out the truth on her own, after the glow of knowing her bio Dad wears off and she is able to see through the illusion it seems he has created for her.

    I know how hard this is on you. My granddaughter went to live with her other grandmother when she was in the 9th grade. She wanted to go and was very angry at me. It was so difficult, but I let her go. Her therapist at the time told me that she had to find her own way to know her Dad's family, that it was an important quest for her. In a few months she saw what everyone saw about her grandmother and began her own understanding. She asked to come back. It was an important time for her to find that piece of her background and to discover, without anyone else's input, what the truth was.

    I think for some kids, searching out their bio family and attempting to make a connection is extremely important. I also think sometimes, in order to make that connection, they have to distance themselves from those who love them so that they are not confused by being in the middle. Your daughter may need this space to discover all by herself, exactly what the truth is. It seems she has to make this journey without you.

    Sending you caring thoughts.............
     
  8. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Thanks for you thoughtful replies everyone. This does hurt my mommy heart so much. I agree with giving her some space (which we have been doing) and seeing what happens. I'm trying to take it a day at a time. I do have a therapist and she has been the focus of much conversation these last 8 months.
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would be on the other side of the coin of giving her anymore space. It's been 9 months, and it will only be easier for her to put more space between you as time goes by. Do you know any way to figure out where she is at? Is there anyone who could approach her on your behalf to suggest that just cutting you off may not be the right way to let this relationship end, even if that is what she wants. If she has some legitimate gripe (in her mind) even she must see that it would be better to let you know what that gripe is. She could write you a letter or phone you while blocking your number.

    But allow you to continue pay for her insurance while she has written you completely out of her life? That's not a easy child thing to do. She has to let you know what she wants (or doesn't) from you and allow you to choose your involvement with her, as well. It's what adults do.
     
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. How very sad. I'm very glad you are seeing a therapist. My first thought is that her bio father convinced her that it is all your fault that he left. Perhaps she feels that she lost her bio father because of you. True or not true, maybe he said you were drinking. Did it start way back then? When she let lose on the vacation, it might mean that she has a lot of pent up anger and it seems that she got it all out...but in reality, that was just the tip of the iceberg. AND your ex took advantage of that. Just thoughts....

    I see Witzend's point. I think it is good that you gave her space, but I wouldn't go too long with that.

    Although her anger might be very exaggerated or even totally unfounded, it might just fester as time goes by. Or she may be deeply conflicted and you not attempting to get in touch with her might be fuel for the fire. So, in other words, "see, my mom never really loved me, never really cared and she's probably drinking again because she's not even trying to get in touch with me"

    At some point, I would extend an olive branch and tell her that you love her and would like to address any questions she has. Maybe offer to go to family counseling together.

    However, I would take your time before I would mention the insurance.However, at some point in the future, this would need to be addressed as it is inappropriate to continue paying for it under the circumstances. But, I would hold off/take your time on this particular item.

    And finally, if you do extend an olive branch and tell her you love her, offer counseling, etc. ....and she still doesn't respond....I probably would just detach and wait and see if she comes around at some point. There is only so much you can do and life moves on.

    Wishing you well ... I know this has to hurt your mommy heart.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2014
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I agree about taking your time about mentioning the insurance. That comes after you have both had the opportunity to reexamine the relationship. I mentioned the insurance because it seems to be a tether, and because for her to continue to accept it without the benefit of having a relationship with you indicates to me that she may not be as much of a easy child as you thought. Then again, 20 year olds - what can you say?
     
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