easy child update.........fun never ends :) cutting school

[Jena]

so, ms. thing is now cutting classes as well. got her progress report and also a cut sheet with mandatory pm. detention (by the way not the first cut) that she has today.

So, she lied said she'd be in track (also not the first time), and is in detention right now.

Her grades....hmmmm

let's see. cutting one class; excessive absence and failing. basically 3 fails and 3 passes. the ones in which she is failing are all due to absences and laziness in class and needing classroom supervision (behavioral).

so, right now i have no clue where she is. i have already pulled the cell, she lead me to believe as i stated that she was at track, yet detention who knows?? her friends won't answer their cells to me. I pulled easy child's cell days ago.

So, are we still thinking easy child, not difficult child??? she's def. a gift from somewhere. oh ugh!!!!!!! Now i have to leave with difficult child for play practice. easy child is going to make my life so much harder than it needs to be once i start work and juggling difficult child as well. At least with difficult child she can't run away or disappear on me like easy child does.

 

[BusynMember]

Are you positive she isn't dabbling in drug use? I hate the bring up a scary topic, but this is often what you see first when that is happening. I know. I've been there.
Also, did she start acting up when your boyfriend moved in with his kids? I have no idea how long ago that was, but that can be a major stressor for our kids. My ex-difficult child did not do well when my hub moved in with me, and he didn't have any kids. However, her behavior deteriorated slowly then quickly after his arrival on the scene.

 

[Jena]

hi

good question and pls. scary questions are necessary. at team mtg. they demanded that i drug test her last year and so i did and have once again since than. they all thought the same thing. i had 7 teachers in the room adn all the staff, horrible mtg. horrible. anyhow that's the 3rd team mtg. i've been to. she came back negative on drugs.

as far as boyfriend goes, no that was incredibly smooth believe it or not. she didn't change at all, she just kept on going how she was after we all got together almost 2 years ago now.they both get along well. this stuff with her started at 12 heading into 13. it's just been fun ever since lol.

good questions though, trust me i've done the same thing and thoguth of it all.

 

[meowbunny]

As I said before, I'm a mean mom. She'd be off the track team in about 30 seconds after she got in the door. No extra curricular activities of any type for one semester and then only if grades are back up to par. Hope she likes summer school.

Considering this all started at 12-13, I'd say no to her being a gift from anything but she is a very defiant, stubborn, self-serving, bratty teen! I do think random drug tests would be in order. Not because I think she's doing anything now but to possibly prevent it in the future, but be sure they are random and never when she might think they would be happening.

by the way, don't think your little one is too young to not cut or run or stay out. Mine started around 9. It was great fun! NOT!!!!!

 

[Rotsne]

I don't understand the concept of detention when skipping classes. Education is a gift - not a punishment.

I always ask the off-springs if sitting all day in a supermarket and being insulted because the barcodes dont work are something they will go for. If they want more of life they have to work for it.

Here we have come to a point where the town would try to cut any benefits the parents are depended off if they dont try to help getting the child in school. If the motivation by the parents exist and the child still wont go to school, then it must be so and the child has to drop out and get a job because he or her can get food and clothes home but nothing else. The most stubborn of them try this for a month or two before giving up and return to school.

 

[susiestar]

Jen, how many drugs are you testing for? There are tests that look for just a few drugs, and tests that look for a much larger number of drugs. I think you NEED to have the most comprehensive test you can find run.

also, she could be doing things that don't show up on drug tests. Dexing (dextromethorphan - the cough suppressant in any cough medication with DM on it) can give some kind of high if you take a whole LOT of it. And kids think it is "safe" because it is in over-the-counter sales and anyone can buy it.

She could also be huffing, or doing any number of things that would be tough to test for

This next suggestion may seem counter-intuitive, but I am throwing it out there anyway. My uncle used the beeper, and then the cell phone as an "electronic leash" for his daughter. There were a lot of other problems, but she started staying where she was supposed to be when she had to answer her phone when he called.

There were consequences like he went WITH her on her dates and outings if she didn't answer the phone. She had 10 mins to return a call if she couldn't get to it in time.

If he didn't believe her when she called back (say she was supposed to be at the library and there was loud music in the background) then my cousin had to find a MANAGER for the business or place she was at (or a parent if she was at a friend's house). It did take a while, and he actually DID follow her when she went on a date with her boyfriend on several occasions. He would sit behind them in movies ( and tell them LOUDLY to keep their hands to themselves), sit near them or even just sit down WITH them at restaurants.

and if he had to follow them he INSISTED that she &/or her boyfriend pay for HIS admission/meal/etc...

So she was allowed to do things, but she had to be where she was supposed to be or have a "Daddy Chaperone" that she had to PAY for.

It really really helped.

I don't know if it would work for you and Lauren. But it might.

And MeowBunny is totally right - Rin IS old enough to run, cut (Wiz started cutting/self mutilating at age 6 or 7), and do all sorthsof things.

Many hugs,
Susie

 

[compassion]

Your daughter sounds very much like my daughter, who is also 15. I realized that alchohol use wil not give a pistve for drug test. Her drinking (bottle of rum) , I would sduspect alcohol abuse.
I got a Sprint Family locator phone and it will track to pretty close. We do the chaperone thing too.
My daughter is very active, needs a lot of stimulaiton. I had to intercept tonight as she was resy to bolt as she was very bored. Freind's dad had promissed strip to Mall for two days and it never happend. She was ready to hop into a guy's car to do this. I had my husband take off form work, get over there imediately and they went to get a dinner, shhop and they will pick friend up for Mall. This is a kid that does not use and I want o support it -it would be nice if her dad was more dependable but he is not.
I have her doing volunteer work at Humane Soicety.
Compassion

 

[Jena]

wait the best is she comes home finally from track that she was at taking track pictures. she rescheduled her detention unbeknownst to me ( i just found out via mail today that she got detention to begin with) to take track pictures!! are you kidding me???

than i said ok well here's the deal your failing 3 classes and you got a cut and youve been absent from 1st period class 9 times, how is that possible? gets better she comes in the door announcing how she's getting so good at track their making her enter another part of it!! like is it me am i dillussional?? She says well i dont cut first period so i think the teacher's nuts and i have no clue what he's talking about, and i just forgot to go to tenth period is all, it was just a review for a test, no big deal.

So I did the extra cirriculur because she's never been a joiner and for the first time she wanted to jion and i thought ok this is good maybe it'll get her more focused on schoolwork, rules. etc. so she's in track and also dance class i shlep her to every wed her and her best friend.

the kid is insane. im trying to get a gyn visit with doctor to have him do bloodtest to make sure she isnt' pregnant and also exam.

personally years ago i was beat, boyfriend was also. we were afraid of our parents. yet these days it's viewed as wrong, oh we'll hurt them mentally blah blah blah. hmmm is all i can say.

 

[Jena]

i am totally fed up with her attitude. i keep posting and eating up boards and i am sorry but it's gotta go somewhere. we sat at dinner and i asked her a basic question i forget what it was and she answered me nasty adn boom came the explosion and infront of difficult child which i hate hate hate.

i am allowing her to affect the calm in my home now. believe it or not there actually is calm at times. lol.

i'm so so mad right now. her attitude like it's all good. so what i failed classes she tells me their only this this and that. by the way summer school we did that 2 YEARS IN A ROW already. i'm not saving her anymore i'm soo done.

she wants to have a life in which she wont' be able to support herself and make her own choices, she wants to wind up with this *** of a guy that she's currently with go right ahead. i'm done.

so ill start the rules and it'll go how it goes. i just hate more than anything to pull dance and track that she actually likes yet at thsi point im guessing i'd be stupid not to. i'm so disgusted with her. not the person i thought shed turn out to be not even close so far.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok, I'm a very Not Nice Mom sometimes, but have you gone through your daughter's room when she isn't home? I never dreamed I'd ever do that to one of my children, but I did it to my daughter when I suspected she may be using drugs. Not only did I find drug paraphernalia, but I found a letter to a boy in Colorado (I live in Wisconsin) all about her "trip" to visit him that I had no idea about. She had a phone number written on it so I got a chance to speak to his mother and she told me her son was in college and would not be hosting my daughter...lol. She was mad too. I kind of think it's appropriate to sneak in a kid's room if we suspect the child may be in danger. I basically told my daughter that she had lost the right to privacy until I could trust her. Yet she still was in such a fog that she was very careless. I still cringe thinking of her running off to Colorado at 17. She said she was planning on hitchhiking (shudder).

 

[compassion]

I think it is vital not to pull activities that are motivating. Is there Learning Disability (LD) going on? AA is helping here. I do get angry but try to support,encourage, and focus on stregths. I do find my expectations interfere. Plus impatience. I can be unrealistic. My daughter is very impulsive. Compassion

 

[Jena]

hi

well i totally lost it on her tonight. wow. yes i did. when the 700 went missing that's the first thing we did. we checked her room and had boyfriend's ex check his oldest daughter's room and spots as well. Just to double check it wasn't either of them.

I honestly have to say that she isnt' using. I think this is just who she is. She loves dance and track, school not at all and this boy and will do whatever for him.

 

[Rotsne]

Keep your enemies close. Be nice to the young man. Establish contact to his parents. Find out if they are concerned by something. Because of the negative drug tests and the result of your search, I would judge that she is not using. She is in love and as all other teenagers the part of her brain which are dealing with longterm consequences of her actions isn't there but will be finished in some 3-4 years.

Most teens should carry a sign on their forehead stating "Out of order" because there is a major re-construction going on in there.

Knowledge is power. You need to know more about your possible future family member and especially his background. It is a fine opportunity to have a couple of parents over for dinner. What if they have their concerns of their own? They don't know your daughter and could be as concerned about her as you are of this young boy. If you are the parent of a boy who runs around getting girls pregnant, you will be concerned. If they are willing to be in the game, then you also would know what is going on when she is out of the house.

 

[Wiped Out]

Aw Jen,
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I wish I had more advice but, as you know, I'm in the process too of deciding whether or not my easy child is a difficult child or not. Sending many understanding hugs your way.

 

[Jena]

Rotsne - Thanks for the advice, yet talking to the parents isn't an option at this point, there are HUGE issues there in his home with his alcoholic dad. I"m afraid to feed the fire over there and be responsible for his mother being abused at this point. Sounds odd I know, yet it's not good there.

As far as me establishing a history I did all of that, which is what upsets me more. We had an incident 2 weeks ago where easy child came home covered in hickies, i dealt with it this boy had the nerve to look into my face and say i'm so sorry, i'll never do that again it was disrespectful to send her home that way. He's a real manipulator as well. 2 weeks later he's asking my daughter to perform sexual acts in our home while we are at a xmas party.

The fault I believe strongly lies with MY DAUGHTER, with whom is making very bad choieces for some reason and doens't really have alot of respect for herself at this piont I think to lead her here.

I've tried my best, and will continue to do so. Its easy to say oh don't send her to boarding school, etc. yet i would do whatever was necessary to try and get her to redirect all this energy to a positive place, i'm nervous at this point she wont' even finish high school with the attitude she seems to have.

yet, I have to learn from what I see here and to some extent DETACH from this a little. She has gotten me so emotionally raw these past few days, i'm upset, christmas doesn'et feel the same. difficult child is feeling the tension, it's up to me to SET the tone in my home not easy child.

I spent the afternoon yesterday wrapping gifts and on the phone with her counselor at school getting referrals for teen group counseling places for easy child, looking into volunteer work, etc.

My easy child and I it's going to sounds strange, yet we are connected. In a much different way than difficult child and I. I had easy child alone many years ago, her biodad isn't in the picture (who knows if thats an issue here; therapist says no that met with her), and so i raised her alone for hte most part until i met my ex husband and married. She holds a very close place in my heart. I wanted her so badly from the time I knew I was pregnant with her, in a way in which is hard to verbalize. I love difficult child dearly, yet easy child well she's under my skin, she's so much like me, her way about her, her looks, it's often like looking into a mirror. I want so much for her, and I see her getting and achieving so little. I'm disheartened that she did what she did, than ontop of it the lies and manipulation of me.

It's sad, and so last night I lost it pretty bad on her. After she said i know i made bad choices, i know i did. Yet everyone's doing it,what's the big deal?? the usual teenage remark. I know alot of it is typical teen stuff, yet alot of it isn't. She is on downward spiral mode. The failing grades, the lies etc.

What type of life is she going to have? I moved her out here 3 years ago in hopes that this would give her the chance to get a better and less stressful education, have the opportunity to be around other children wtih whom were talking about college, etc.

Yet it didn't work.

 

[Rotsne]

Quick unfair advice. Ride to another town. Call DSS under a false name. Speak about the abuse going on in this home - the violence etc.

If it goes well the DSS will intervene and move this boy away from the abusive home, which would actually be good for him (I have known grown-up adults from such home. They would have wishes to be removed. They still suffer in their adult lives +20 years after).

If the boy are removed from the abusive home, your daughter would have to engage in a distance relationship which are not good for the relationship but also less dangerous regarding possible pregnancy.

 

[Rotsne]

I forgot:

The second reason for you to take my rather evil (for the poor mother) advice is that married people who hid their spouses often have seen violence between their parents in the home when they were children. So they are more likely to use violence in their relationships too.

I have seen a number of researches which shows that.

That means your daughter could be of risk being victim, if this boy tries to solve problems like they apparently do in his home. Placed in the same situation I would call DSS under a false name, so I could not be traced.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Jennifer,
I think maybe what I am seeing is that you are kind of enmeshed with dtr--you seem to identify strongly with her and you know what you want for her but she is going to have to discover for herself what she wants for herself and you will have to let her do that. It is hard to let go of our dreams for our kids but you really do have to separate yourself as a person from her. I know, I had to do the same with my difficult child 1 and it was so hard.

My difficult child 1 basically just quit going to school when she was 15 and in 9th grade. She ended up in her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at the end of 9th grade and I guess she had about a 10th grade education when she said she was done with school. This was never what I envisioned for my dtr--I had to come to the conclusion finally that her mental health was more important than school. She ended up court ordered to a rehab when she was 17 and it was there that she took an interest in getting her GED and worked really hard for it. This was something I didn't even mention to her--I was so relieved that she was off the streets and getting drug treatment that the school part was minor to me. She wanted it for herself and she worked for it and got it.

I guess my point really is that you can want all these things for your dtr but she has to want them for herself and she has to own her choices and her life. She is at the age where the more you push for what you want (which is of course what we all want for our kids) the more she will resist. She has to feel like these things are important to her, not just to you.

It sounds like you are so caught up in her life that she feels like it is your life she is having to live rather than her own. If your world is going to fall apart based on her failing school or having sex or lying or manipulating then that gives her great power over you. I think if you can stay very neutral with her, have strong boundaries and stay in control of your own emotions you might have more success.

I hope I don't sound preachy or like a know-it-all--I am just a parent who has made a million mistakes but now has some insight into what might have worked better. Sure wish I could go back to when difficult child 1 was a teen and do some things differently.

Hugs,
Jane

 

[meowbunny]

Here I go again. First, calm down! While having sex in your home was disrespectful, it wasn't that big of a deal in the big picture. Kids in love and in the throes of hormones do this. Parents don't like it and take appropriate action but they don't fret over it day after day. They get their daughters to the doctor. They ground the kids and prevent them from being alone as much as possible for a long, long time. They don't think it is the most reprehensible thing a child can do.

Jennifer, there really are far worse things she could be doing. You're pretty sure she's not doing drugs (a really good thing). She has good, acceptable friends. From what you've said in the past, she really has a pretty good boyfriend. He's not just using her to have sex. He truly cares about her. She's not being violent to anyone or anything or running away. She is being a snotty teenager who needs to be reined in before she does start doing some really stupid, dangerous things.

She deserves to be grounded for the disrespect to your beliefs and your home. Both kids deserve to not be permitted to see each other for a certain amount of time and then not be left alone for a much longer time (not that you'll be able to enforce this but at least the rule is in place) since they both knew he was not to be in the home that evening. I'm not convinced she manipulated you per se on this instance. I'm not convinced the boyfriend manipulated you. He promised no more hickeys. Has that happened since? They were being kids who didn't want to be caught, you were the one who thought she was texting you constantly because she missed you. She deserves to see exactly what sex at a young age can do to her later and now with the most graphic pictures and text you can find (so does he). She needs to see the doctor.

Your daughter deserves to have her life be miserable for awhile. She did lie, break a promise, disrespect house rules. She doesn't deserve to feel she is a tramp and I can't help but feel your anger here shows at home just as much with the same attitudes.

As to the boyfriend, I think you're coming down awfully hard on him. I doubt he forced her to have sex. It sounds like it was a pretty mutual decision. I know that I have never had intercourse with someone unless I had decided it was going to happen. That's pretty true of most women (even the ones who get drunk so they have an excuse for saying yes). He promised no more hickeys. Has he kept that promise? I'm sure he saw the marks on her as bragging rights -- she's my girl, look what I can do! He also saw that was not the true message and she deserved better. Having sex with her is a totally different issue in his mind. It is a private act with a girl he cares about deeply. I'm sure that he thinks they will marry and live happily ever after and, who knows, they may well do that. Kids at 15 don't really understand that what they feel today may be the exact opposite of what they feel tomorrow. Their feelings are incredibly intense at this age. From what you've said about him in the past, he really does sound like a pretty good kid whose family life is not the best. That means he needs adults to give him positive examples and help guide him, too. He is going to make mistakes but it really sounds like he is trying to do the right thing most of the time.

I'd honestly be much more furious about the school issues. I'd talk to the first-period teacher with her present since she says she was there. Her life would revolve around catching up in school for the rest of the school year. Summer school is not saving her. I doubt she'll be able to get enough credits to make up for failing 3 classes anyway, but it will certainly put a crimp on summer fun.

Do let your daughter know she has lost your trust and she's going to have to work hard to regain it. Sadly, for now, you're going to have to check up on everything she says. When she objects, simply explain that this is what happens when trust is destroyed. It really is a natural consequence. Trust can be regained but it takes time and effort.


As I said, I'd come down hard on her for the lying, the manipulating, the skipping school and bad grades. For the sex, I'd re-educate her to the point of embarassment. The more graphic pictures I could find of STDs, the better. The more vivid the information of what can grow in the throat, the more she'd be reading that. But don't go the route that these are rotten kids because they snuck into your home and had sex. Sadly, it is what kids do, especially kids who think they're in love and they'll do almost anything to do it, especially when they can do it in a bed.

But please try to put their acts last weekend into perspective. Don't put your personal experiences of oral sex into the equation. Educate them as necessary. Give appropriate consequences for the acts outside of the sexual equation.

 

[eekysign]

As far as me establishing a history I did all of that, which is what upsets me more. We had an incident 2 weeks ago where easy child came home covered in hickies, i dealt with it this boy had the nerve to look into my face and say i'm so sorry, i'll never do that again it was disrespectful to send her home that way. He's a real manipulator as well. 2 weeks later he's asking my daughter to perform sexual acts in our home while we are at a xmas party.

The fault I believe strongly lies with MY DAUGHTER, with whom is making very bad choieces for some reason and doens't really have alot of respect for herself at this piont I think to lead her here.

Jenn, hon, I can't reconcile these statements. You really sound as though you are blaming this boy as the reason all of this is happening, but then you say that you blame your daughter for making bad choices. You "dealt" with this boy over some hickies? She's your daughter, she's responsible for the shape she comes home in, not him! And that is most definitely a lesson she needs to understand----"YOU are responsible for your own body when it comes to boys and sex!!!"

It was pretty impressive that he actually owned up to it and apologized. But it's not shocking that they were at it again two weeks later....again, they're horny teens! He's "asking" your daughter to "perform sex acts"? Whether it's healthy or not for her to be sexually active at ALL, she's not a streetwalker, which is what you're kinda making her sound like. And you make him sound like her "john". She's not "performing sex acts", for goodness sake, she's messing around with her boyfriend. HE'S not asking, THEY'RE doing it.

Sigh. Teens are so frustrating. But despite what you've read, not every teen is out there giving head because they have no self-respect. At 15 or 16, that was a STANDARD part of the high school "sex learning curve", even a decade ago, when I was growing up. I don't know a SINGLE girl I have been friends with over the years that hadn't done that by 17. And not one of my friends had any "self-respect" issues. That's just my experience, but I've never met any adult women who regret any sexual activity from their youth, other than a few that regret how their "first time" happened.

For your daughter, combined with her other behaviors, it just sounds like you've got out-and-out rebellion on your hands. Reading through this thread, it sounds like this little issue over the weekend is REALLY the LEAST of your problems. I would be far more worried about the drinking, the failing, the skipping, etc----that's NOT normal 15 y/o behavior. Messing around with the boyfriend IS normal (still needs to be addressed, but it's certainly normal!!).

It seems like sexual behavior upsets you far more than substance abuse and the failure of her education....which seems a little odd. You've known about those other problems for a while, but she was still your "easy child" until the boyfriend issue happened. Why are you SO upset over this issue, but were not as concerned by the other serious problems on her plate, until now? You didn't try to strip her room when she started getting failing grades? You didn't try to get her into therapy to address why she's drinking massively? But you want to do all these things because she went a little too far with the boyfriend? I just don't understand, hon! Help me out here.

Again, not judging or anything, just playing Devil's Advocate. Like some of the other ladies have said, it seems like you identify very strongly with your easy child. Is that why the sex thing was the straw that broke the camel's back, not all the myriad other problems?