easy child, very worried,school refusal

[Wiped Out]

I'm besides myself right now-trying desperately not to break down in tears.

I posted about a week ago about all of the problems easy child was having with her friends, in particular this one boy.

The friendship part (minus the boy) had gotten better and she was in a much better mood. She seemed o.k. last night.

This morning she got up, ate and seemed ready to go to school. husband was supposed to drive both kids because of my back. We went up to check on her and she wasn't getting dressed (mind you didn't tell us just didn't come down). husband asked her what was wrong and she wouldn't say. He told her she needed to go to school regardless.

This is her first day of school refusal. I told her she really didn't have the choice about school and that if she wasn't going I would be calling school trying to find out what was going wrong. This upset her greatly.

She yelled and screamed at me how much she hated me and that's why she never told me anything (crying why she was yelling and screaming). She told me I would ruin everything by calling, that she was talking to someone. I told her I was very worried about her and she said she wishes I didn't like her and care about her so I would just leave her alone. I told her I was sorry she felt that way but I did care and I was calling.

She tried to take the laptop from me-closed it on me and tried to take the phone as well. I told her she needed to leave me alone and let me do this or I would call 911 I was that worried.

I did call school (locked myself in the basement) and got ahold of the psychologist she has been talking to. He said he thought she seemed to be getting much better. He said the one problem area was still the boy and that they discussed it and that she was going to send a facebook message last night saying it was o.k. if he was mad but to tell her why.

I don't know if she received a response or not-my guess is yes by her behavior this morning.

husband is on his way home to see if he can help (of course, it's his birthday and he is having to get a sub and doesn't have any sick time left which means he won't get paid for today which means even less money to pay bills).

I truly think right now she hates me which, of course, hurts a ton but right now I'm just worried about her, she can hate me if she wants. I don't know what more to do. Any ideas?

Thanks if you made it this far, I know it's a long post.

 

[hearts and roses]

Oh {{{Sharon}}}, I hated this stuff more than anything else at 15 and those HS years. Yuck.

There were times when I allowed either easy child or difficult child to have a 'mental health' day, but only if we [or they] did something constructive and uplifting.

Refusal to go to school did not qualify. They had to be in more of a communicative mindset for me to consider allowing them to stay home. Say of, for instance, your easy child came to you and said "Mom, I don't want to go to school. I can handle this stuff, but I just need a day to breath, etc" then I would consider the mental health day option. But throwing a hissy fit, screaming and yelling mean things cancels that option out.

I think that 15 year old girls are by far the worst with this kind of stuff. It's great that she's talking to the school counselor. It's great that she feels safe enough to tell you to butt out and leave her alone (and personally I didn't care so much when/if my girls said they hated me - it hurt, but I tried to let it roll off because I know it's not true). But the other stuff - getting in your way and closing the laptop, threatening...that doesn't fly well at all and that part of it should be addressed first and foremost.

Try to let the insults roll off - they are unimportant right now. She is feeling overwhelmed and, like a typical 15 year old girl, is lashing out at those closest to her (you). She may need to work this stuff out on her own with the help of her counselor alone. All you can do sometimes is just reiterate what the rules are at home about disrespect and intolerable behavior and skipping school. And remind her that if she wants to (or when she's ready to), you are there to listen.

Hugs - I know how much this hurts you.

 

[Wiped Out]

Thanks Jo for your support.

You're right about trying to let the insults roll off, I'm trying and luckily I remained very calm with her and just told her that it was o.k. how she felt but didn't change how I felt. I think I need some serious detachment lessons!

It's hard because she didn't tell us she wasn't going to school, just didn't get ready and refused (very passive aggressive). Not at all like her to slam the computer on me and try to block me but I let her know that was not going to deter me. Last night she was so upset with difficult child she said she felt like punching a hole in something or breaking something-again not like her-I think this boy thing has her really upset. Right now I hate teenage boys! (sorry moms of teenage boys.)

I too agree with mental health day but not today for a couple of reasons. One, you're right, she can't act the way she did and have one (we have let her have them in the past on occasion). Two, she is suppose to cheer in a playoff game tonight. There are only four cheerleaders-with her gone-there will be only three. She doesn't seem to care at all about anything right now.

I'm hoping husband can get her to school. I no longer can drive as now I've taken my vicoden and muscle relaxer for my back. Argh!

 

[nvts]

Sharon! If she hated you, she wouldn't bother telling you! They say what they say to say it and to allow you to hurt as much as they feel that they're hurting. They only strike out at you because they know that Mom's love unconditionally. If she SAYS she hates you, you know you're being a good Mom! (lol)

Stay calm, cool and collected. Don't bother to fight back. Very clearly look her in the eye the next time she tells you she hates you and say:

"It's unfortunate that you feel this way. Let me know when we can talk to one another with respect and I'll be happy to listen to you. If you want advise I'll give it, if you want an ear with no input, I'll gladly provide both, but only when we can sit in the same room respectfully."

Then - walk away.

She's 15, she knows the consequenses of skipping school (no cheering, etc.). Something is really, really weighing her down.

Big hugs, and remember: they are posessed from 13 until 22 or 23!

Keep venting, we're here!

Beth

 

[flutterbee]

Sharon -

I know 15 year old girls can be dramatic. But, I think I would be more than a little worried. For this to only be a friends issue - it's been going on too long. It makes me wonder if she's becoming the target of some rumors or being singled out among her friends. Something. Whatever it is, she's not handling it well - or doesn't know how to handle it other than to avoid and escape.

Her behavior lately sounds like more than just teenage drama/blues. She really needs someone she can trust to confide in. If she knows the school psychologist is going to divulge all to you, she may not be really opening up.

(((hugs)))

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Sharon,

My heart goes out to you. I think the others have already given you excellent advice. I can't think of much to add right now. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you... WFEN

 

[Hound dog]

Sharon

Her response is typical. And if it makes you feel better, I'd have done the same thing you did and tough cookies on her. That you love her and care about her, she'll just have to learn to deal with.

Nichole had a holy cow when I talked to both the school principal and counselor when she was in her downward spiral. I simply told her that that is what happens when you shut down on a parent. They will find out what is wrong. It's our job whether or not they like it.

If I hadn't done what I did, Lord only knows what shape Nichole would be in at this point in her life......or even if she'd still be here at all. (she was suicidal) By speaking with them it gave me the info I needed to seek out the appropriate treatment for her.

I dunno if the school counselor gave you the whole story.......but if they didn't they'd be getting another call, if it were me. This is slipping over the line into serious business. And in my experience school therapists just don't cut it with anything but the average mundane sort of junk.

First you need the whole story with this boy. You need to know how "serious" this actually is, or if it's teen angst blown out of porportion with teen drama. If she's is a easy child......I'd venture to guess it's probably something serious as it is affecting her behavior so profoundly.

Once armed with info you can take the appropriate actions.

(((hugs)))

 

[Jena]

Sharon

Hi, i'm sorry your back still hurts and that your daughter's words hurt as well. This is one area unfortunately i am well versed in and may actually be able to offer help.

I have been dealing with the same exact behavior from my almost 16 year old for the past mos. once again. She has gone so far as to tell me what a piece of work i am as a mother, that she can't stand me i sicken her, etc. etc.

Let it roll off your shoulders. Do not threaten with 911, i think that is what they want to escalate the situation, or at least mine does. Talking to the school to get an idea to what's going on was a great idea on your part.

I do not allow my daughter to take any days off from school unless she is sick, fever, vomitting, sick proof sick that I can see visibly. One day leads to two leads them to avoiding whatever situation it is that they are in. Which is never a good thing.

15 is a hard hard age. They are mixed with so many emotions regarding so many things, yet at the same time they are trying to assert their independence from us their mom's who love and adore them greatly.

The only thing that I have done, with the help of people at her school. Is I make strict rules, I punish when necessary being disrespectful and name calling and hurting you is disrespectful to you. She has to learn to voice her opinions and thoughts in a positive way towards you which will than bring about a conversation that will have the chance at resolving the issue at hand, whatever it may be. Don't engage. It's so hard not to, yet don't. I fight that everyday with mine, about 5 min. ago actually.

My daughter has stood and screamed at me in my face, told me horrible things as of late. She got grounded last weekend, didn't get to go to a halloween party.

I used to be too laxed, was so concerned about her feelings while she would yell and hurt me. Than my skin toughened and i learned that regardless of how she feels their approaching an age at which they need to learn conflict resolution and expressing their emotions in a healthy and non harming way.

ok sorry i rambled yet when i read your post saw how you felt i felt that pain before way too many times.

In closing I would say regarding school give her a strict punishment if she gives you a difficult time with going, as well as the school taking measures on their part that she has an official "cut".

It's taken me far too many attempts at getting this raising a teenager thing down pat so i wanted to share with you that i too experience this way too often and that it's only us with whom will be able to make them own up and speak to us with respect.

good luck, happy birthday to husband, hope tomorrow's better. and hope i didnt run on bad, i'm running out to get difficult child from school

 

[Jena]

In regards to the ongoing issue at school. My daughter has had issues at school as well with friends and avoided going, sometimes these issues have lasted quite sometime. Than as quickly as they start they are dropped and resolved suddenly. She knows she can come to you, yet it sounds as if she's doing the push/pull thing with you that my daugther does.

It's good she is utilizing the school staff psychiatric that is huge that she is doing that.

 

[Wiped Out]

Beth-Thanks-I do agree something is really weighing her down. Good advice on what to say to her. She does know the consequences and still doesn't seem to care. I guess it's a live and learn thing with her. Some days I truly do think she's possessed-lol. Not today though, just a very sad, angry girl.

Heather-I agree, I think it's more than typical teen stuff and she isn't dealing with it well at all. We're trying to help her through it but she won't let us in. She doesn't have another therapist appointment until the 12th and her psychiatrist appointment is on the 6th. You are right also about her avoiding and escaping. She has always been like this even though we've talked about other ways to deal with issues-she is a stubborn girl!

WFEN-Thank you for the good thoughts-your support means a lot!

Lisa-Thank you-it is good to hear that you have been there done that. I'm glad you feel I handled it well because at the time of it doesn't feel like it. I think the counselor is being open with us. He told us pretty much what husband already knew and added in some stuff we didn't know. I'm waiting for his call back right now for an update since he talked to her when husband dropped her off.

Jennifer-Thanks-I agree about not giving too many mental health days. We've told her she can have about one a year. Until this year there was nothing that could keep her out of school so I know this is bothering her because she genuinely likes school. The not engaging part I'm working on-it's hard but I am getting better at it. I agree that she needs to learn conflict resolution skills, it is something we continue to work on in therapy with her.

We did get her to agree to go to school. It was almost noon before she got there. I spoke to the psychologist and asked his advice on whether we should call her in excused or unexcused. He wanted to talk to her first before he told us what he thought. I'm waiting for his return call. Regardless of what we decide today, if this happens again she will be unexcused. We've told her that because she isn't in her home school if she has too many absences especially unexcused ones they could force her to go to her home school.

 

[Jena]

hi,

It is so frustrating when they won't just tell us what's going on and we have to play guessing games. It's like a riddle each and everytime. I think there's a part of them at least with my daughter that wants to come to me with stuff, yet the other part of her that's trying to gain independence stops her and draws the line in a way. They also worry about us i think embarrassing them and possibly getting invovled in a situation in which they want to handle on their own. I've made that mistake a few times....... yup pyscho mom on the lose. I've confronted teachers, kids. I'm learning also. It's not easy and there is no rule book. Fact that you love her so much is what you'll need to get you thru