easy child wants to leave

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    That's what he says when he's being manipulative. That he can't take it anymore and he wants to go live somewhere else. Tonight, I said "fine". Cause I couldn't take it anymore. I don't mean it, but I'm not letting him use that on me. I know there is a lot of stress in the house, especially with difficult child's almost nightly meltdowns, but compared to all of his friends, the kid has it pretty easy.

    Honestly, I'm sick of his attitude. We were snowed in today. I took the day off. Completely. I *needed* it. Since the elves didn't come to do the housework, he's on a tangent about the dishes not being done. If it bothers him that bad, then why not do it himself? Cause then he couldn't nag at me. Of course, he says it's cause he didn't use any of them. Well, I don't wear his clothes either, but I still wash them. Or I did. He can do them himself from now on. He's constantly telling me how he thinks I should be parenting and tells me all the time when he grows up his kids are going to be "in line". Yeah, right. Like he is? A couple of weeks ago he was in my room on a Sunday morning between 8am and 9am waking me by telling me how irresponsible, selfish and lazy I am. I told him if he was going to continue to beat me up, then he would have to wait til I got out of bed.

    I know he's frustrated and getting the short end of the stick all the time. I've been understanding, but he's not even attempting to be understanding. Maybe I'm expecting too much from a 15 year old kid, but he's always been more emotionally mature than those his age.

    I do not ever - never, ever - get any kind of respite from difficult child. I'm tired. I'm stressed. My entire body aches. I don't post often about difficult child cause I don't have the energy to rehash everything. I honestly do not know how much more I can take. I want to cry and I never cry. Makes your nose all stuffy.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Sweetie,
    It sounds like you need a break-is there any possibility? Many hugs and prayers for some relief.
  3. Janna

    Janna New Member


    I'm really sorry you're struggling with easy child/difficult child. I know how hard it is to get no respite. I had it, my DEX was taking the boys every other weekend, then he went to some drug rehab, and for the last 16 months, nothing. Not one day. Not one sleepover. Nothing

    My DEX had a mouth. Those types of words, to me, are verbally abusive. I'm really sorry that you have to go through that.

    I'm sure your easy child/difficult child is spouting off and saying he wants to go elsewhere, but knowing he's not going anywhere. Have you ever just ignored the words? Walked away from him, or locked yourself in another room? Just thoughts.

    Wish I had some advice, but really don't. Just sending gentle hugs and positive thoughts things get better soon.

  4. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Sounds a lot like my 15 yo. She does her own laundry now after giving me an attitude about it.

    I know that when Daughter is feeling very anxious she gets very, VERY, whiney, and critical, of me, our home, and her life in general. I do try to talk to her about whats going on, but when she's like that she always responds, "Nothing's going on! Why do you ALWAYS ask me that??" Many times she calms down, comes back later, and then tells me what has her in such a tizzy.

    Don't let it get to you. Unfortunately, this is much more about him, than you, and your parenting skills. Living with a difficult child and, heck, just being a teen, can be stressful and most teens do not have the maturity to express those feelings of frustration in a articulate, non-hurtful way. So, poor ole Mom gets the brunt.

    It can be really hard when you don't ever get a break. My difficult children are with me most of the time. When husband is not working, he does make an effort to give me a break and take them somewhere. I sometimes will miss a fun activity because I simply want a bit of peace and quiet.
  5. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I am so sorry easy child decides to be a jerk. I to find those words abusive. He should consider himself lucky you are his mom, I would have smacked him. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or I offend anyone, but really, with everything you go thru everyday, you don't need someone adding guilt to your plate. I am glad you are making him wash his clothes now, make sure you stick to your guns.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you for your support.

    Chances are not good I'll get a break anytime soon. My mother tends to see difficult child as just a brat and doesn't like to take her. She does very occassionally go to a friend's for the night, but she always calls me often, so it's not really a true break. I do try to get out to dinner with a girlfriend once a week - but again, she calls often. I quit taking my cellphone with me because she won't call my friend's cell as often as mine. But she still calls at least a couple of times wanting to know when I'll be home,etc.

    I've been easy child's punching bag for years and I'm sick of it. When he was depressed, he would come to me and very calmly and nonchalontly say to me, "You know how much you say you love me? Well, that's how much I hate you." I never showed him a reaction, but that really gets to you. He would leave notes all over my room that read, "I hate you". *I* was the one fighting for him and trying to help him. And I was the only one doing it. His father thought he just needed a good spanking and my mother thought I was just wanting to medicate him because I didn't like his behavior. Since she and easy child are so close, she was very good at undermining everything I and his psychologist were trying to accomplish. Then, when she finally saw it for what it was, she wanted him to come live with her. Yeah, right. Cause she would have done nothing for months - she had her head stuck in the sand. And besides, she raised me. I know what kind of parent she is. Wasn't going to happen. Before this I was his father's punching bag (literally and figuratively) and when easy child starts spouting off to me it reminds me so much of his father. Isn't that horrible of me?

    And I worry about whether I'm seeing signs of depression returning in him. I honestly don't know and he has said repeatedly that he won't talk to anyone - meaning therapist.

    Anyway, thanks for listening. I know I can count on you guys to listen and not judge and that means so much. I wish I had found this place when easy child was 10. I didn't sleep at all last night and I've decided to take a mental health day at work. I'll work Sunday to make up the hours. I just don't have the mental capacity today. I've been clenching so bad at night that I can feel every tooth in my head. I go to the dentist for a cleaning on the 28th and I'm going to talk to them about a bite plate or whatever it's called that is supposed to help with that.
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    WintersGrace, you need a break! Seriously, Just go out by yourself and do something nice! Forget about them for 20 minutes and concentrate on yourself. Do it EVERYDAY! Take a walk, go window shopping, go to the lbrary, just go. You are worth it and everyone can take 20 minutes out of their day for themselves.
    Can't keep giving without putting back. Think of yourself as a rechargeable battery. Energy out must equal energy in, otherwise the batteries wear out(((HUGS))) -RM
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    when I was a kid if i said I wanted to leave home, my folks would offer to pack my bags and a sandwich.
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    My mother did something with one of my brothers called kicking him of the team. The whole family ignored him for awhile until he sweetened up. He cooked his own meals, did his own laundry, had to find rides to school or where ever he wanted to go. It only lasted a few days. I'm not saying it'll work for your easy child/difficult child but its an idea. I'd have a very hard time with his mouth. Ex had a mouth like that. Just reading what he says I'm getting mad and want to punish. I understand about feeling guilty about thinking he is just like ex. Sometimes I think that about difficult child 1. My goal is for difficult child 1 to not end up like ex. I know if I don't intervene now he'll be just like him.

    Maybe you could have some fun time with difficult child every time he spouts garbage at you. He starts you and difficult child leave the house for some window shoping. You come back when he's ready to be nice. If he isn't ready go out to eat without him. This is the natural conseqence for being toxic. No one wants to be around you. Hopefully he'll get lonely enough that he'll be compliant to medications and therapy. If this wouldn't work just ignore it. I hope you find some relief. You shouldn't have to be a punching bag.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    15 is old enough to get over himself. He can do his own laundry, he can help out around the house, he can keep his parenting opinions to himself.

    Arent you the one who just got the CFS diagnosis? If so then of course you are exhausted! The kids are going to have to help out. My boys had to learn to pitch in or we didnt have anything. Didnt hurt them any. They can all cook and clean and run a washing machine.

    I also heard from Cory that HIS kids werent going to blah blah blah. Oddly enough that talk has stopped since he has had a child...lol. Actually it stopped when he started dating his girlfriend and her son was wide open and he couldnt control a 2 year old. Funny how that happened. Now he is trying to get a good grip on his daughter from the beginning...lol.

    My standard line to my kids back when they were that age and mouthy was that they were free to find another home if they could. The door opened quite easily and not to let the door hit them where the good lord split them. They knew they had no where to go.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your fifteen year old son is waking you up and calling you names and you are worried that you are expecting too much from him???

    I think you are expecting too little. You should expect to be treated respectfully by your son.

    I am with antsmom and Janet. I would politely tell him that you want him to be happy and if that means he has to move out, so be it. You might want to add that he might want to wash his clothes before he leaves because you doubt anyone else is going to be doing it.

    I have learned the hard way that people (especially kids) will treat you badly if you let them. Don't let him get away with it.

  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Kathy - When you put it that way.... :redface: Thanks for putting that into perspective for me. I feel kinda silly now. LOL

    Suz - thanks for the link. I'll be using those for sure!

    Janet - yes, I'm the one with the recent CFS diagnosis (haven't changed my signature yet). And you're absolutely right. He is old enough to get over himself.

    emilyislost - I like the idea of kicking him off the team. I do A LOT for easy child and have let the guilt of our current situation get the best of me. I'm over it now. I think. If I fake it long enough, it will come true.

    ant'smom - you're absolutely right. I'll tell him he can go. But all of his nice things (such as his HDTV) are staying here. I bought those. His dad, who lives 600 miles away and he only sees a couple times of year, doesn't let him bring stuff home. I can do that, too. See if he's so quick to be nasty, then.

    RM - I DO need time to myself. Uninterrupted time. 20 minutes a day doesn't sound so hard.

    I've been letting guilt over everything get the best of me. When honestly, the kid is spoiled rotten. My fault. And it's my fault that I've let him get away with too much. He seems to think he is the male head of the family. He's not. He's annoyed cause I didn't go to work all day. I told him that he would get over it.

    Some things have changed in my house because I simply could not do it all anymore. My house used to be spotless ALL the time. After working at least 8 hours everyday, cooking dinner and helping with homework, I cleaned EVERYDAY. I quit doing that. The kids are more than old enough to pick up after themselves. difficult child is a slob. Has always been since she was big enough to start making a mess. easy child is a neat freak. Same thing - since infancy. I remember when he was 10 months old and I was putting someting of his away and he started grunting and scooted over and put it in it's correct spot. (Lord, I'm so blessed.) So with mom on a strike of sorts, and the two of them being as different as night and day....well, you get the idea. But the bottom line is, it's MY house.

    easy child is like his father in that he doesn't give an inch. Doesn't think I should either. But, I've learned to pick my battles and with difficult child we are working on one thing at a time. And right now the most important thing we are working on is getting to school everyday. He's either going to have to come to terms with it or not. He doesn't rule the roost. I do.

    Thanks all. I really appreciate it.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    My mother just called and talked to my son. My son then comes downstairs and tells me that he thinks Nana is right.

    "What is Nana right about?"

    "That you're not setting a good example for difficult child."

    I called my mother and told her that until she could learn to keep her comments to herself, she could not call my house. She doesn't understand why I am so upset.

    This is the woman to whom my brother and I were disposable. She was perfectly willing to leave my brother and I behind with my alcoholic, drug addict, physically/verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive father when she ran off and remarried and moved out of state. Yet she always talks about how "selfless" she is.

    I'm going to scream. You know that expression about seeing red? It's true. You get angry enough and you really do see red.

    I just keep repeating to myself that I'm a better mother than she was. I'm a better mother than she was. I'm a better mother than she was. I'm better than this.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm thinking easy child's complaining should be telling you that he doesn't have enough to do around the house to help you. Seriously. He should be helping you. Maybe if he was given a good chunk of chores, he'd figure out all by himself why you're worn out.
    My easy child used to complain about the difficult children. I know they got to her. She found work and school activities as a positive way to get a break.
    As for your Mom I'd have, and would've, done the same.

    You need to find a way to get some time for yourself each day to destress. It's vital for you to take care of yourself. I used to take walks for about an hour every day. Not so much for the exercise, but just so I could get away from the house and the kids. It did wonders. From there I branched out into other things to vary the routine.