easy child's party Sunday and 1st time with-s2bx

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Dec 11, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I have to tell you, I'm not looking forward to my easy child daughters 18th birthday party this Sunday, so I need help gearing up for it. I'm excited for her, but it will be the first time I have spent any amount of time with s2bx and I'm not looking forward to it. I have had a few conversations with him over the past week in regards to who is bringing what. He is doing all the food as he always loved to cook and he will make his famous ribs that everybody loves, and I'm doing the cake, cupcakes, drinks, paper goods etc. Speaking to him on the phone about all of this has been awkward enough and I'm dreading spending the time around him on Sunday. My sister in-law was gracious enough to let us have the party at her house, as I refused to have it at his house (my old house) and my apartment is to small. The only savior for me will be that I have spent all my time with his family since our seperation and he hasn't spent any, so he will probably feel more uncomfortable then I will, but that is his problem.
    I know I have to get used to this as we have kids and there will always be times that we will have to be in the same place at the same time, but I think because this is the first it's making me very anxious. Hopefully once I get through this one, the rest will be much easier.

    I hope it's not too uncomfortable for everyone else, because this will be the first time anyone has been around the two of us together in months.
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    I've been separated and divorced from my dds father since 1991 and we had to go through birthdays, Sweet 16's, holidays, recent graduation ceremonies and celebrations, etc., and I can tell you - it does get easier, but you will always have the butterflies beforehand just a little bit.

    You learn ASAP to go in with your head up high, smile a lot (even if inside you're dying) and be gracious - no matter what he says or does. It will be your shining spirit and good nature that easy child will remember always. You love her and it will show in all that you say and do, as it always does.

    What stbx says or does is not your concern and don't be concerned with him at all. Will he bringing his new squeeze? If so, that may make it al ittle more difficult for you, but again, smile and be happy for easy child and try to ignore him as much as possible. If you do have to interact with him at all, be sure to take a break in the bathroom or outdoors if possible.

    You are strong, you can handle this. Sending lots of strength and support!
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    No, he will not be bringing his new squeeze :smile:
    His mother has not and is not ready to meet her yet and told him that he wasn't bringing her. She was totally against him introducing her to the kids this soon and has no desire to meet her until after we are divorced, so she made it clear to him that it was not appropriate for him to consider bringing her to the party, or to any part of this years holiday celebrations. My mother in law Rocks!!!!
    The next big event we will have to get together for after the holidays, will not be until June when easy child graduates highschool. I'm sure by that time, if they are still together, he will try and make her a part of that, but I will leave it up to easy child to let him know he that is acceptable to her or not, as it will be her graduation. I know she would have flipped if he tried to bring her to her birthday!!, but by graduation she may be a little more o.k. with it/or not!!
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    three weeks after bonehead moved out of the house, easy child had her birthday party at his new condo ('cause it was a really cool place to have party and she requested it). As much as I hated the way he behaved leading up to his moving out, and even though he is such a bonehead, we were able to come together to do this special thing for our daughter.

    There come times in your life when you have to bite the bullet and just go in there. It's important that we coparent our children and make the best of an uncomfortable situation. Fortunately your youngest is turning 18 so the times that you will be called to parent in the same space are going to be very few and far between - take comfort in that!!!!!!!

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I have no advice - just hugs. I did get your beautiful card - thank you!
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, there is comfort in knowing that millions of parents have gotten through this first event in the same room. I am sure you will, too. I do not know how difficult it will be.

    I would get there before him so that you are engaged in a task or conversation when he arrives. That way you can give a quick look up and a hello and go back to doing your thing.

    I think it is easier that you both want this divorce. If one was still trying to fix it, this would be much more difficult. The fact that there has been so much hurt is what makes it uncomfortable at all and that will just take time to ease that pain.

    I don't know. That is all I got. LOL! I wish for you that it is not as difficult as you are anticipating it is going to be. That you are pleasantly surprised.
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Boy, does that bring back a lot of not-so-good memories! But by worrying about my ex being there on different occasions and what might happen, I let him ruin a lot of things for me that should have been happy times! I worked myself up into a real snit before my sons' high school graduation, knowing that his father and the new wife would be there. I got there very early, sat in the front, and pretended that he and "The Bimbo" were invisible! Turned out, he was more interested in dodging me than I was in avoiding him! He still couldn't look me in the eye and didn't want a confrontation - not that I would have done anything like that at my boys' graduation!

    Then came the BIG test, my daughters wedding! By this time "The Bimbo" had fallen by the wayside (where she belonged!). But I made myself absolutely sick with worry over this wedding, starting about a month before the ceremony. Just knowing that I would have to interact with him kept me up nights. We had had virtually NO conversations since the day he left, several years before. Finally it dawned on me ... I was ALLOWING him to ruin my daughters wedding for me! He had ruined enough things for me in the last 20 years - he WASN'T going to rob me of all of the joy of my only daughters' wedding too! And I started getting this "attitude"! And when we went to the wedding, during all the rehearsals, dinners, and the actual ceremony, I held my head high and pretended he was invisible! I was civil but cool, I only spoke to him when I had too. I didn't do anything that would start tongues wagging or cause a scene - just avoided him as much as I could. And you know what happened? HE was the one who was obviously very uncomfortable and squirming! And I came off as gracious and dignified! And I had WONDERFUL time at the wedding!

    So just hold your head up high, be above it all - if HE'S uncomfortable in your presence, too bad! Tough noogies! He's the one who should be worrying, not you! And make a vow that you WILL NOT allow him to take the joy out of these family milestones for you! Don't let him do it! Just say, "Enough!" It's not easy but if I did it, you can too! Sending more hugs.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    been there done that and it's not a piece of cake. The two big things to remember are (1) you want your child to be happy and (2) you
    want everyone to leave the event commenting on how gracious and
    ladylike YOU were.......even when the new girlfriend pops into the picture. I killed myself being warm and welcoming to each of my
    Exs wives (fact is, lol, they were all kinder and better than he)
    and not only they but everyone (including my children who as adults commented) thought I was awesome.

    You may be too young to remember, Karen, but there was a great
    commercial decades ago with the theme "Never let them see you
    sweat!" That's a great motto to adhere to during these times!
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Karen: Just remember - if you bite the bullet too hard, your head can explode.

    Make sure you "flit" about so that he can't corner you, take frequent breathers, and be the "joyful", exciting you that you've become without him dragging you down.

    Nothing will give you more satisfaction than being the light in the room while he's asking himself "what have I done?!!".

    Gotta love it!!


    Tell easy child all of her aunties say "Happy Birthday!!!"

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I went to see Susan last night (my counselor) and she told me I should actually speak to him about this before hand and just say something like, Sunday will be the first time we will be together for the first of many upcoming events in our childrens lives and we both need to remember that this day is about her and not us and that how we deal with Sunday will set the stage for the many events in the future that we will need to be together for. She also told me I need to prepare myself for if I walk into a room and he's discussing with someone how wonderful his new relationship and new life is. I can control if he tries to talk to me about it, but I can't control if he chooses, which would be in very poor taste, to discuss this with others he hasn't seen in awhile at his daughters birthday party, to speak to others about it. I decided if this happens I will just ignore the conversation, walk away gracefully and turn my focus onto something else. This will be the first time he will see his mother since this new relationship started and I know if she hears him talking about it at the party she will put a quick end to the conversation.
    I feel much less anxious now having discussed this with her and I think I will handle it exactly as she said I should.