Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Effort to speak positively and keep soft music on
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 390155" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Yes, we do this. At first you feel you're bending over backwards and only getting abuse in return, but it does pay off. Over time you can begin to move back a little more to the parental control, but never fully back. You already know it doesn't work. You also have to move back under your own control, and not reactively in exasperation. Never forget - as exasperated as you feel, it is not a patch on how frustrated your child has felt for years, for not being able to understand how to do it right. And telling them over and over does not help them understand. It might help other kids, but not these kids.</p><p></p><p>Keep your focus on natural consequences. Also try to treat him as if he is your old uncle come to stay for a few months. He's gone outside after dark? Unless it's a security or safety issue, focus on natural consequences - it's cold outside at that time. What can be so important that you would brave the cold?</p><p>Chances are, it's nothing to worry about. Grab the star chart and binoculars (and a spare parka) and go join him. Star-gaze together.</p><p></p><p>That't another tip - join him where he is, unconditionally and with acceptance. Just BE with him. In silence perhaps. Relax. Make your own purpose out of it perhaps. If he isn't interested in star-gazing, that's OK. You can still do it yourself. Maybe fumble - "I can't work out where the Big Dipper is" and let him show you.</p><p></p><p>Using these moments and following your instincts can open up surprising opportunities. The aim is to connect to your child as their facilitator and not their disciplinarian. Walking on eggshells is not good long-term, but if it's what you have to do, to break your own discipline habit, so be it. But the aim is to become his helper. Not his slave, not his jailer, not his keeper, but his helper. First you get into this pattern of behaviour and keep it up quietly, calmly, patiently. Then wait until he sees this and recognises it for what it is. That takes a little longer. But once he begins to meet you halfway, the job becomes a lot easier. For us, this process began within a week or two of my making the change. This time will vary for too many reasons.</p><p></p><p>But don't be a doormat. Not long-term. Stay positive (and mean it!). Catch him in the act of doing a good thing. </p><p></p><p>Keep in touch here as you go, and find ways to ease your own stress constantly. Avoid the "kettle boiling over" effect you can get, if yo don't constantly reduce your stress build-up in little ways. A hint - humour is a great way to ease your stress and also to stay feeling sufficiently positive. it also helps you avoid the doormat trap. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 390155, member: 1991"] Yes, we do this. At first you feel you're bending over backwards and only getting abuse in return, but it does pay off. Over time you can begin to move back a little more to the parental control, but never fully back. You already know it doesn't work. You also have to move back under your own control, and not reactively in exasperation. Never forget - as exasperated as you feel, it is not a patch on how frustrated your child has felt for years, for not being able to understand how to do it right. And telling them over and over does not help them understand. It might help other kids, but not these kids. Keep your focus on natural consequences. Also try to treat him as if he is your old uncle come to stay for a few months. He's gone outside after dark? Unless it's a security or safety issue, focus on natural consequences - it's cold outside at that time. What can be so important that you would brave the cold? Chances are, it's nothing to worry about. Grab the star chart and binoculars (and a spare parka) and go join him. Star-gaze together. That't another tip - join him where he is, unconditionally and with acceptance. Just BE with him. In silence perhaps. Relax. Make your own purpose out of it perhaps. If he isn't interested in star-gazing, that's OK. You can still do it yourself. Maybe fumble - "I can't work out where the Big Dipper is" and let him show you. Using these moments and following your instincts can open up surprising opportunities. The aim is to connect to your child as their facilitator and not their disciplinarian. Walking on eggshells is not good long-term, but if it's what you have to do, to break your own discipline habit, so be it. But the aim is to become his helper. Not his slave, not his jailer, not his keeper, but his helper. First you get into this pattern of behaviour and keep it up quietly, calmly, patiently. Then wait until he sees this and recognises it for what it is. That takes a little longer. But once he begins to meet you halfway, the job becomes a lot easier. For us, this process began within a week or two of my making the change. This time will vary for too many reasons. But don't be a doormat. Not long-term. Stay positive (and mean it!). Catch him in the act of doing a good thing. Keep in touch here as you go, and find ways to ease your own stress constantly. Avoid the "kettle boiling over" effect you can get, if yo don't constantly reduce your stress build-up in little ways. A hint - humour is a great way to ease your stress and also to stay feeling sufficiently positive. it also helps you avoid the doormat trap. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Effort to speak positively and keep soft music on
Top