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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 644761" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I wonder whether you have followed the abusive family of origin threads, Confused. Given the nature of the family history you have described, I think it is likely the guilt you feel has to do with verbally and emotionally abusive family patterns.</p><p></p><p>So, my thinking is that you need to see the grandpa's unavoidable nastiness as a gift, in a way. His behaviors are pushing you to that place where we really begin to look at how our families may be unhealthy, how that has affected who we believe ourselves to be...and how to go about changing our beliefs about ourselves.</p><p></p><p>It can be done, Confused. And every time you peel back a layer of wrong thinking learned in the withered black heart of a dysfunctional family, the freedom you revel in will strengthen you in ways unimaginable to you now.</p><p></p><p>So, that's the first thing.</p><p></p><p>My husband has an amazingly stable belief in how things should be. I suspect this is because he is the oldest son of an Italian mother, with all that implies. Nonetheless, husband' take on how to care for the mother who pretty much worships the ground he walks on is: She has had her life. I am living mine.</p><p></p><p>husband is kind to, but very honest with, his mom. </p><p></p><p>There is a strength he can access because he sees clearly, without emotion. What he needs, how he wants his own life to look determines how he will choose to move through the morass of elder care.</p><p></p><p>It has been an interesting facet of my husband for me to have become aware of.</p><p></p><p>husband does not do guilt.</p><p></p><p>He does: Determine the facts. Tell the truth. You cannot make anyone happy. If you have to do a garden party, so says husband, don't do it. (There is a Rick Nelson song about a walrus and a garden party and the futility of all things of that nature.)</p><p></p><p>Regarding your own search for work: husband would say there is nothing more important to our interpretation of self than independence. Work isn't about anything else. </p><p></p><p>Independence.</p><p></p><p>That is your primary goal.</p><p></p><p>You do not have time, and you are not and never were, obligated to lay yourself down for the convenience of family. Your job right now is to work yourself into a place of independence.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing more important than that.</p><p></p><p>Your grandfather and your family can believe whatever they want to about that.</p><p></p><p>That is what my husband would say.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 644761, member: 17461"] I wonder whether you have followed the abusive family of origin threads, Confused. Given the nature of the family history you have described, I think it is likely the guilt you feel has to do with verbally and emotionally abusive family patterns. So, my thinking is that you need to see the grandpa's unavoidable nastiness as a gift, in a way. His behaviors are pushing you to that place where we really begin to look at how our families may be unhealthy, how that has affected who we believe ourselves to be...and how to go about changing our beliefs about ourselves. It can be done, Confused. And every time you peel back a layer of wrong thinking learned in the withered black heart of a dysfunctional family, the freedom you revel in will strengthen you in ways unimaginable to you now. So, that's the first thing. My husband has an amazingly stable belief in how things should be. I suspect this is because he is the oldest son of an Italian mother, with all that implies. Nonetheless, husband' take on how to care for the mother who pretty much worships the ground he walks on is: She has had her life. I am living mine. husband is kind to, but very honest with, his mom. There is a strength he can access because he sees clearly, without emotion. What he needs, how he wants his own life to look determines how he will choose to move through the morass of elder care. It has been an interesting facet of my husband for me to have become aware of. husband does not do guilt. He does: Determine the facts. Tell the truth. You cannot make anyone happy. If you have to do a garden party, so says husband, don't do it. (There is a Rick Nelson song about a walrus and a garden party and the futility of all things of that nature.) Regarding your own search for work: husband would say there is nothing more important to our interpretation of self than independence. Work isn't about anything else. Independence. That is your primary goal. You do not have time, and you are not and never were, obligated to lay yourself down for the convenience of family. Your job right now is to work yourself into a place of independence. There is nothing more important than that. Your grandfather and your family can believe whatever they want to about that. That is what my husband would say. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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