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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 649590" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is what people do. It is shocking and sad that we do that, but we do.</p><p></p><p>It helps me to remember (both for myself, in the way I treat others and for myself, in the way they treat me) that making mistakes, saying just the wrong thing, falling down and falling apart and falling into things we don't have a clue how to handle ~ all that stuff is just what it is to be human, and it happens to all of us. </p><p></p><p>It is how we think about ourselves as we meet those challenges that teaches each of us who we are. </p><p></p><p>Change the self concept and the behaviors change and life opens in a new direction. </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The person who is "mad" may as easily have seen an opportunity for teaching, or for clear expression of a vulnerability or a well-defended hurt. The person who backbites and gossips and name calls knows exactly what they are doing and they set about their destructive patterns with determined intent.</p><p></p><p>We can know that if they are doing such things with us, they are doing such things to us. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing personal about any of it. </p><p></p><p>I was so surprised when I realized that. It <em>feels</em> personal to be the one judged and found wanting, or to be the one targeted or excluded or made an example of.</p><p></p><p>When we are vulnerable, when we are broken or ashamed or at the ends of our ropes...that is when they strike. </p><p></p><p>I don't know why they do that. It could be that we have been heartless, or have hurt them in the past.</p><p></p><p>In any event, since we cannot control what they do, what they do has nothing to do with us. Sometimes, we will be the ones having the bad day. Running around, shooting off our own mouths ~ which I sometimes definitely find myself doing, too.</p><p></p><p>Even though I know better. </p><p></p><p>But there are those days when I just let it rip.</p><p></p><p>Bad Cedar.</p><p></p><p>Just human, after all.</p><p></p><p>So then, because we have no other choice, we learn to forgive ourselves, too.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>As we went through family of origin issues here on the site, I realized that behaving badly unites us, somehow. </p><p></p><p>We can see the now excluded other person as less than. </p><p></p><p>I don't know why that should build us up, but it does.</p><p></p><p>Just look what goes on in political races or even, political discussions. It's heartbreaking and yet, there seems to be almost no other way to unite us than to have a common enemy.</p><p></p><p>I suppose it's an evolutionary thing.</p><p></p><p>That is why someone like Martin Luther King was so extraordinary, or the American Constitution. Not "Since the other guy is such a jerk," but "We hold these truths to be self-evident...."</p><p></p><p>Once we can see that, then we can interact with others without being destroyed...and, some of the time, without destroying anyone else.</p><p></p><p>Just like they say, it's a balancing act.</p><p></p><p>You are coming through all of it beautifully, Confused. I am sorry the struggle is such a hard one, but I do think you are doing so well; really, so well.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 649590, member: 17461"] This is what people do. It is shocking and sad that we do that, but we do. It helps me to remember (both for myself, in the way I treat others and for myself, in the way they treat me) that making mistakes, saying just the wrong thing, falling down and falling apart and falling into things we don't have a clue how to handle ~ all that stuff is just what it is to be human, and it happens to all of us. It is how we think about ourselves as we meet those challenges that teaches each of us who we are. Change the self concept and the behaviors change and life opens in a new direction. *** The person who is "mad" may as easily have seen an opportunity for teaching, or for clear expression of a vulnerability or a well-defended hurt. The person who backbites and gossips and name calls knows exactly what they are doing and they set about their destructive patterns with determined intent. We can know that if they are doing such things with us, they are doing such things to us. There is nothing personal about any of it. I was so surprised when I realized that. It [I]feels[/I] personal to be the one judged and found wanting, or to be the one targeted or excluded or made an example of. When we are vulnerable, when we are broken or ashamed or at the ends of our ropes...that is when they strike. I don't know why they do that. It could be that we have been heartless, or have hurt them in the past. In any event, since we cannot control what they do, what they do has nothing to do with us. Sometimes, we will be the ones having the bad day. Running around, shooting off our own mouths ~ which I sometimes definitely find myself doing, too. Even though I know better. But there are those days when I just let it rip. Bad Cedar. Just human, after all. So then, because we have no other choice, we learn to forgive ourselves, too. *** As we went through family of origin issues here on the site, I realized that behaving badly unites us, somehow. We can see the now excluded other person as less than. I don't know why that should build us up, but it does. Just look what goes on in political races or even, political discussions. It's heartbreaking and yet, there seems to be almost no other way to unite us than to have a common enemy. I suppose it's an evolutionary thing. That is why someone like Martin Luther King was so extraordinary, or the American Constitution. Not "Since the other guy is such a jerk," but "We hold these truths to be self-evident...." Once we can see that, then we can interact with others without being destroyed...and, some of the time, without destroying anyone else. Just like they say, it's a balancing act. You are coming through all of it beautifully, Confused. I am sorry the struggle is such a hard one, but I do think you are doing so well; really, so well. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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