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Email from difficult child-- do I (how) respond?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 619026" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think your parents are using difficult child to trample all over you. In their secret hearts, they are holding celebrations around the fire. Who would have thought they would ever legitimately have you back in their power this way? And they do have you in their power, and they are pulling out all the stops, and they sound like terrible people.</p><p></p><p>A good father would be helping you understand your son and would be helping your son understand and love his mother, not threatening to disinherit you.</p><p></p><p>A good mother would be helping the father to see that restoring her daughter's relationship with her son was the right thing for the whole family.</p><p></p><p>Your parents have done just the opposite.</p><p></p><p>This hurt belongs to them. The pain they knowingly cause has nothing to do with your son. </p><p>Try to be so very careful to draw that line between who your difficult child is and how your parents are using him.</p><p></p><p>He is no more safe with them than you ever were.</p><p></p><p>Whether you tell us or not, can you consider the part your parents may have played in the development of this situation between you and your son? My family of origin is toxic, too. I don't know why or how, but they can reach right in and twist things into such ugliness. Please don't let them do that to the relationship between you and your child.</p><p></p><p>Life is challenging enough, relationship is challenging enough for all of us. Toxic family of origin issues will reach through the generations to destroy us and our children.</p><p></p><p>Your parents are behind this, somehow. Behind the emotions that resulted in the initial disrespect your son showed you, I mean.</p><p></p><p>Toxic is toxic.</p><p></p><p>Don't let it come between you and your son. </p><p></p><p>Don't let them win.</p><p></p><p>My advice, however you can do it, is to get your son away from them for his own safety. You are his mother. You and your son will never resolve this situation effectively with your parents in there holding their stupid toxicity convention. </p><p></p><p>This is <u>your</u> son.</p><p></p><p>He is reaching out to you.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you think of the tone of the letter, if you can respond honestly, with warmth and love, but honestly...you have a responsibility to him and to yourself to do that. </p><p></p><p>This is your son. </p><p></p><p>What would be the best possible outcome? Would it be that your son be home again and the problems between you resolved? Then go for that with all your heart. I love it that you welcomed his effort beautifully and told him you would need time to respond.</p><p></p><p>We all want to be respected. There was respect, welcome, and love for your son in your initial response. There was respect and cherishing for yourself there, too.</p><p></p><p>While his request is a little clumsy, a little one sided? He is reaching out to you. He loves you, and is telling you so as best he can. He is asking you to be honest. He is covering his hurt with over-intellectualization. I too see your parents' input. But who cares about them?</p><p></p><p>Who cares about your parents. They only have the power you give them. You are all grown up now and they are irrelevant.</p><p></p><p>They are irrelevant and they hate that.</p><p></p><p>Be honest with your son. </p><p></p><p>But be honest about the things that matter. Nothing to do with your parents matters. What matters is the relationship between you and your son, and that you do everything in your power to put it back together.</p><p></p><p>If you are considering therapy?</p><p></p><p>Go as a family. That means NOT YOUR PARENTS. You see who your parents are in the choices they are making. You need to be able to do that, BITS. You need to see them so clearly. They <u>are</u> toxic. I would be willing to bet they are behind this whole thing with your difficult child. Not the letter, the situation itself. Sly little comments, made to undermine the mother's authority, emotional state, whatever.</p><p></p><p>That is how my family of origin is, too. To this day. I will make a separate post. We can talk about family of origin issues. Your parents are at the heart of this, I would bet my boots.</p><p></p><p>Never indicate that you suspect this. Keep everything open and aboveboard between yourself, your son, and your husband. No mention of your parents to your son. No mention of your parents, at all. They are, from this second, irrelevant.</p><p></p><p>If anyone owes anyone an apology, it is your parents. That is who I hear speaking when I read your son's email. </p><p></p><p>Don't let them win, BITS.</p><p></p><p>My advice is to respond to your son out of love, out of a spirit of hope that everything can be figured out and put back together.</p><p></p><p>Part of honesty, part of loving, part of putting relationships back together is acknowledging our hurt, our anger and frustration.</p><p></p><p>But more than anything, it is loving ourselves and our people. </p><p></p><p>I am so happy and proud for you that your son is reaching out so beautifully. This is your opportunity to come together again as a family. Remember gratitude, remember what it is to be healthy and happy and oh, so fortunate, and try for that with all your heart. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 619026, member: 17461"] I think your parents are using difficult child to trample all over you. In their secret hearts, they are holding celebrations around the fire. Who would have thought they would ever legitimately have you back in their power this way? And they do have you in their power, and they are pulling out all the stops, and they sound like terrible people. A good father would be helping you understand your son and would be helping your son understand and love his mother, not threatening to disinherit you. A good mother would be helping the father to see that restoring her daughter's relationship with her son was the right thing for the whole family. Your parents have done just the opposite. This hurt belongs to them. The pain they knowingly cause has nothing to do with your son. Try to be so very careful to draw that line between who your difficult child is and how your parents are using him. He is no more safe with them than you ever were. Whether you tell us or not, can you consider the part your parents may have played in the development of this situation between you and your son? My family of origin is toxic, too. I don't know why or how, but they can reach right in and twist things into such ugliness. Please don't let them do that to the relationship between you and your child. Life is challenging enough, relationship is challenging enough for all of us. Toxic family of origin issues will reach through the generations to destroy us and our children. Your parents are behind this, somehow. Behind the emotions that resulted in the initial disrespect your son showed you, I mean. Toxic is toxic. Don't let it come between you and your son. Don't let them win. My advice, however you can do it, is to get your son away from them for his own safety. You are his mother. You and your son will never resolve this situation effectively with your parents in there holding their stupid toxicity convention. This is [U]your[/U] son. He is reaching out to you. Whatever you think of the tone of the letter, if you can respond honestly, with warmth and love, but honestly...you have a responsibility to him and to yourself to do that. This is your son. What would be the best possible outcome? Would it be that your son be home again and the problems between you resolved? Then go for that with all your heart. I love it that you welcomed his effort beautifully and told him you would need time to respond. We all want to be respected. There was respect, welcome, and love for your son in your initial response. There was respect and cherishing for yourself there, too. While his request is a little clumsy, a little one sided? He is reaching out to you. He loves you, and is telling you so as best he can. He is asking you to be honest. He is covering his hurt with over-intellectualization. I too see your parents' input. But who cares about them? Who cares about your parents. They only have the power you give them. You are all grown up now and they are irrelevant. They are irrelevant and they hate that. Be honest with your son. But be honest about the things that matter. Nothing to do with your parents matters. What matters is the relationship between you and your son, and that you do everything in your power to put it back together. If you are considering therapy? Go as a family. That means NOT YOUR PARENTS. You see who your parents are in the choices they are making. You need to be able to do that, BITS. You need to see them so clearly. They [U]are[/U] toxic. I would be willing to bet they are behind this whole thing with your difficult child. Not the letter, the situation itself. Sly little comments, made to undermine the mother's authority, emotional state, whatever. That is how my family of origin is, too. To this day. I will make a separate post. We can talk about family of origin issues. Your parents are at the heart of this, I would bet my boots. Never indicate that you suspect this. Keep everything open and aboveboard between yourself, your son, and your husband. No mention of your parents to your son. No mention of your parents, at all. They are, from this second, irrelevant. If anyone owes anyone an apology, it is your parents. That is who I hear speaking when I read your son's email. Don't let them win, BITS. My advice is to respond to your son out of love, out of a spirit of hope that everything can be figured out and put back together. Part of honesty, part of loving, part of putting relationships back together is acknowledging our hurt, our anger and frustration. But more than anything, it is loving ourselves and our people. I am so happy and proud for you that your son is reaching out so beautifully. This is your opportunity to come together again as a family. Remember gratitude, remember what it is to be healthy and happy and oh, so fortunate, and try for that with all your heart. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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