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Email from difficult child-- do I (how) respond?
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<blockquote data-quote="BackintheSaddle" data-source="post: 619232" data-attributes="member: 17503"><p>Hello Everyone-- thought it was time to give you an update...your responses have helped so much so keep them coming...I've been doing a lot to take care of myself -- reading, yoga, taking time for myself...and it's really making a difference...I read and reread that message from difficult child and it really is a great illustration of what a mean brat he's grown into...he never takes responsibility for his own actions and then turns around the story of what happened so that his version sometimes doesn't even make sense but he states it as though there's no doubt his truth is THE truth...</p><p> </p><p>after the initial flurry of emails with my parents early last week, I and my husband set up our emails so that they are blocked!...that felt good...I even changed my main email so that the one I'm using all the time (and attached now to this web-site) is one they don't have...they have disinherited me twice now...after 3 years of not speaking for the 1st time, I tried to let the past go (and was put back in the will-- yippee) but now they are just so toxic and horrid, just mean people, that I hereby disinherit them!...;-)...I love the response that suggested that I tell my Dad (if I ever talk to him again) to use my inheritance to pay for difficult child's college...and I also really hadn't wanted to believe it but think it's quite likely that they have been slowly turning difficult child against me...the main thing in the last 2-3 years (since we tried to mend fences with them) that bugs my husband is how much our difficult child has begun to act like my father (yells at people, tells them what to do/controlling, manipulates when doesn't get his way, is always right, never ever ever apologizes)...and husband is right...it was probably better to not have them in our lives and never allow them back in but I knew it broke difficult child's heart when they cut him off with me and I wanted to allow him to have that back in his life...my father has always adored difficult child, difficult child can do no wrong...maybe that's all he needs now (plus, my dad is wealthy so difficult child will be set for life)</p><p> </p><p>So, I responded finally to difficult child today...short, telling him thanks for the message, that I'd thought about it alot and really believe that we need to have a mediator present to talk about what happened and begin to mend our relationship (lots of what you all advised)...I didn't offer to have breakfast yet because I wasn't sure I want to see him yet...it depended on his response...the first response was this (and yes, he did ask us to see a/his therapist before the big event but we had already decided we weren't going back to her-- she was great when he was little, but let him walk all over us and her during sessions nin the past year)...</p><p> </p><p><em>See all of what you said just sounds hypocritical to me. You said the guy specializes in family therapy. And therapy is general is about having a mediator. And I BEGGED and PLEADED with y'all for AT LEAST a month to go see one. But all I got was yelled at and told no. Then when I say I don't want to go, and I have legitimate reasons for it. I get a nasty email saying I have to save up to start paying for insurance and how I don't care about our relationship. It's not right. And it's not fair. I would like at least an apology. If not helping me out to afford stuff so I can put myself through school successfully and have time to meet you and go to the therapist. If neither, whatever. I just don't see why I'm trying to fix this relationship if that's the case.</em></p><p> </p><p>we emailed a bit more back and forth but ended basically like above....he's just going to let me know when he can make time for me...AND he said enough to make it clear that his interest in having breakfast was for the money...he felt like I had decided to stop paying for his insurance BECAUSE he refused to go to therapy but I clarified that no, that was directly related to how he'd been treating me, that he attacked me, verbally abused me, and so on and that I'd been thinking about it all along and had just decided...they had nothing to do with each other...but boy, that makes me feel like I'm nothing to him...</p><p> </p><p>Today, in many ways, confirmed that I need to keep working to detach and his emails back and forth feels like it helped me to let go, maybe just a little bit...I love the little boy he once was but it's really hard to even like this young man and he's just not willing/ready to change...I guess it will take more than separating from us for him to realize it's him that needs to do the bulk of changing...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BackintheSaddle, post: 619232, member: 17503"] Hello Everyone-- thought it was time to give you an update...your responses have helped so much so keep them coming...I've been doing a lot to take care of myself -- reading, yoga, taking time for myself...and it's really making a difference...I read and reread that message from difficult child and it really is a great illustration of what a mean brat he's grown into...he never takes responsibility for his own actions and then turns around the story of what happened so that his version sometimes doesn't even make sense but he states it as though there's no doubt his truth is THE truth... after the initial flurry of emails with my parents early last week, I and my husband set up our emails so that they are blocked!...that felt good...I even changed my main email so that the one I'm using all the time (and attached now to this web-site) is one they don't have...they have disinherited me twice now...after 3 years of not speaking for the 1st time, I tried to let the past go (and was put back in the will-- yippee) but now they are just so toxic and horrid, just mean people, that I hereby disinherit them!...;-)...I love the response that suggested that I tell my Dad (if I ever talk to him again) to use my inheritance to pay for difficult child's college...and I also really hadn't wanted to believe it but think it's quite likely that they have been slowly turning difficult child against me...the main thing in the last 2-3 years (since we tried to mend fences with them) that bugs my husband is how much our difficult child has begun to act like my father (yells at people, tells them what to do/controlling, manipulates when doesn't get his way, is always right, never ever ever apologizes)...and husband is right...it was probably better to not have them in our lives and never allow them back in but I knew it broke difficult child's heart when they cut him off with me and I wanted to allow him to have that back in his life...my father has always adored difficult child, difficult child can do no wrong...maybe that's all he needs now (plus, my dad is wealthy so difficult child will be set for life) So, I responded finally to difficult child today...short, telling him thanks for the message, that I'd thought about it alot and really believe that we need to have a mediator present to talk about what happened and begin to mend our relationship (lots of what you all advised)...I didn't offer to have breakfast yet because I wasn't sure I want to see him yet...it depended on his response...the first response was this (and yes, he did ask us to see a/his therapist before the big event but we had already decided we weren't going back to her-- she was great when he was little, but let him walk all over us and her during sessions nin the past year)... [I]See all of what you said just sounds hypocritical to me. You said the guy specializes in family therapy. And therapy is general is about having a mediator. And I BEGGED and PLEADED with y'all for AT LEAST a month to go see one. But all I got was yelled at and told no. Then when I say I don't want to go, and I have legitimate reasons for it. I get a nasty email saying I have to save up to start paying for insurance and how I don't care about our relationship. It's not right. And it's not fair. I would like at least an apology. If not helping me out to afford stuff so I can put myself through school successfully and have time to meet you and go to the therapist. If neither, whatever. I just don't see why I'm trying to fix this relationship if that's the case.[/I] we emailed a bit more back and forth but ended basically like above....he's just going to let me know when he can make time for me...AND he said enough to make it clear that his interest in having breakfast was for the money...he felt like I had decided to stop paying for his insurance BECAUSE he refused to go to therapy but I clarified that no, that was directly related to how he'd been treating me, that he attacked me, verbally abused me, and so on and that I'd been thinking about it all along and had just decided...they had nothing to do with each other...but boy, that makes me feel like I'm nothing to him... Today, in many ways, confirmed that I need to keep working to detach and his emails back and forth feels like it helped me to let go, maybe just a little bit...I love the little boy he once was but it's really hard to even like this young man and he's just not willing/ready to change...I guess it will take more than separating from us for him to realize it's him that needs to do the bulk of changing... [/QUOTE]
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Email from difficult child-- do I (how) respond?
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