embarrased of my kids.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ready2run, Nov 17, 2011.

  1. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    difficult child has had to be kept home twice this week because i could not get him ready for school and i have agreed not to bring him to school if he is acting out. yesterday when he did go he attacked a little girl because she had a bouncy ball and he didn't. he got a pink sheet for violent behaviour, this goes in his permanent record. he had to be taken out of class so the teacher could talk to the other students because he would not stop yelling/talking loudly. this happens on a regular basis for him. i pick him up at 1 because they can not handle a whole day of him. i have also noticed at home that he has been flapping non stop for two days now.

    my 5yo had to be removed from school today because he was being defiant, yelling at the teacher and calling her names. he hit her with a book and also got a pink sheet for violent behaviour. he smashed up his lunch and spread it all over. he kept yelling out 'poopie poopie pants' at the ea. he had to be removed again. earlier this week he attacked his only friend and the police were called.

    i wonder what these people must think of me. i know i work closely with them to try and manage this but i think if i were them i would think i must be some kind of aweful to have my kids behave this way all the time. it is embarrasing to me, and sad. it makes me want to give up and cry because there doesn't seem to be anything i can do about it. they are so out of control, these two. my other two are well behaved. they go to a different school and daycare. i hate how other parents look at me when they see my kids and ask why they are doing that or if they are showing off and i tell them no they are always like this. i feel like a complete and total failure here and i think all the effort i am putting into this is for nothing because they just don't care either way.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't they have any interventions at school for autistic kids? Do they not understand that they are different?

    Why would you be embarassed because your children are autistic? It's not their fault and it certainly isn't your parenting. Is there any way to get them help? I know somebody who printed up cards about autism and handed them out to nosy parents who made nasty comments.
     
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I get it. Between the embarressment, the grief at how bad it is and the terror for the future, there are days I want to get a pink slip for violent behavior!!

    It does get better as they get older. I promise...
     
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    From the mommy side of me, I do understand the embarassment and I want it to just stop so badly sometimes. The warrior mom side of me is really angry they are not doing more for your kids. If situations like this continue to happen it is a pattern of behavior and they should be doing FBA's and putting supports in to help them gain skills to be able to communicate their wants, desires, frustrations, etc. in a more productive way. The special educator side of me would be totally embarassed to tell you, the mom, that once again, I was not able to do my job as I should. The first time something happens, well ok...but over and over again?? That is a school failure. They have very specific special needs and they are missing out on their education because they are not receiving appropriate accomodations in their classrooms. Do you think an autism setting would work out better for at least the older one? Just a thought. He seems too overwhelmed by the environment. (and obviously that is just from the snippet you shared so I could be way way off)... I loved when my son was in an autism program. He did half day there and half day in mainstream. Really supportive and good. One of the few years I was happy with school
     
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Do the kids have IEP's at school? There is no way you should have to keep him home or pick him up early. If that is in the IEP, I would put up a stink until it was changed. If they don't have an IEP, I would request they be evaluated for one ASAP. They are denying them an education by sending them home for behaviors that should be addressed through an IEP. It is their jobs to figure out how to deal with the behaviors in school and still provide them with an education. The kids are going to learn to act out to get sent home or be kept home any time they don't want to go. Kids are not dumb. They will figure it out.

    ((((HUGS))))
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Are you aware that as soon as you ask, in writing, for an IEP then your child gets the protections of an IEP until he is evaluated? there is no way he wouldn't qualify for one. the Sp Ed archives will walk you through the letter to ask for the IEP. Once that is in place, each time they send him home can be seen as a suspension and after 10 day sof suspension (each day he comes home early counts as one usually - at least if it goes to court it will, even if they argue against that), then they have to do a hearing to see if a change in placement is warranted because his current one clearly isn't working.

    He is autistic and should be getting supports and accommodations, not half of an education. Being autistic doesn't mean he isn't entitled to FAPE in LRE (free and appropriate public education in the least restrictive environment). You have to stand up for his rights because you are his advocate. You can contact the state board of ed to get a parent advocate to help with IEP meetings, etc..... Plus there is a ton of help/support here, including tons of info on special education laws.
     
  7. Numb

    Numb New Member

    I have no experience with Autism so I have no advice in that department, but I do have experience with being embarrassed by my difficult child; I'd like to extend that advice to you, because I'm not using it.

    Do not worry about what other people think. As long as you know you are doing all that you can, let that comfort you. People will always judge, out of ignorance, and you can't do anything about that. Parents who have nothing but easy child have no idea what it's like to have a difficult child. I can't really blame them, because until mine started having problems I was the same way.

    Finding these forums and reading others stories has helped me tremendously. There is a lot of excellent advice in these forums, and for me at least, just reading I am not alone in how I feel, has helped a lot.

    I can only imagine the amount of tears that have been shed by those who post here. I would cry when you need to, but don't give up; you've been handed a heavy load for a reason. (Hugs to you.)
     
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ready, many of us here have been in your shoes - we really shouldn't feel responsible for our kid's behavior, but often we can't help it. It's hard to separate or detach when your young one is acting out so. You feel as if others are judging you - and many of them are; they don't know any better.

    You are a good mom who has children that have some distinctly special needs. I am not familiar with the Special Education education laws in Canada, but I can't help but thinking that keeping your son home when he has a bad morning and/or picking them up early is a really bad precedent. Are the boys receiving any services at school or accommodations in the classroom?

    Hang in there! We understand.

    Sharon
     
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Ready, do the kids have IEPs? Are they in a regular classroom, or an inclusion room with an aide, and a class room that has only a few kids in it? It sounds like your kids need more assistance that your school is giving them and I would demand that they start to be part of solution.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know how it feels to be embarrassed by the behavior of your kids, but they have issues that other kids don't have and they need to be treated differently. Not that they should be allowed to be violent with the teachers and other students, but they way those behaviors are handled needs to be different and it does not sound like they are doing that at all.
     
  10. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    my difficult child does have an iep. he is in a Special Education classroom and has his own ea. i volunteered to pick him up when he gets out of hand and to keep him home on bad days because he hurts himself and he likes being at school so staying home is punishment for him. i am trying to work on him knowing he has to contain himself at school as much as possible if he wants to go there. autism class is not an option, they said he was too smart to go there and he didn't meet the criteria somehow when they tested him. there is also a 'conduct class' that is where he belongs, in my opinion but he can't get in there because he has an autism diagnosis. i try to work with him at home when he is here. we have been researching star fish this week. he hates working with me because at school he can refuse to work and answer 'i don't know' to everything if he is in a mood. here i don't put up with that if i know he knows.

    my other little guy does not have an official diagnosis as of yet. he started out like a normal kid and then after he started jk i don't know what happened to him. he was such a good baby/toddler. then one day he fell to the ground screaming and screaming for an hour and i couldn't get through to him. he hasn't been the same since then. the same thing happened to my 12yo at that age. since then he has all kinds of signs of autism but it takes forever to get a diagnosis, it took us 6 months just to get in to see someone who could start the referal process to see a psychiatrist. difficult child's psychiatrist used the 'it wouldn't be fair to all the other kids waiting' card to get out of looking at him until he goes through the system.... his teacher is aware that he has these issues, it's pretty obvious he is differen from the other kids. i have talked to her about appropriate discipline but at the same time i'm not completely sure what is appropriate. i have asked her to stop taking away his recesses for the next day because that just drags the problem on to the next day, and i told her it wasn't appropriate to keep giving him time out for not knowing what to do during free time. basically the teacher has admitted that he should be in Special Education too but they can't put him in there because difficult child is in there and they attack each other when they are near each other and have a tendancy to go overboard with protecting each other from peers which leads to way too many other problems..

    i know i should not be embarrased but it is embarrasing because i know when they see the kids coming into the office they are thinking 'those kids' again type thing. i was just saying how much my 5yo was behaving better at home since i started giving him omega 3 and now he's snottier than ever. i feel like maybe i should have set a better example somehow because if i ever lose my temper they copy it and run with it, turning it into a regular thing they do all the time. like one day i called husband and idiot, which was more than well deserved. now idiot is my 5yo's favorite word. everything that doesn't work right is an idiot. everyone who is in his way is an idiot, ect.
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs, Ready. I feel for you. Sounds like he is falling through the cracks. I know others whose kids are in behavior classes with-dxes of bipolar or whatever, instead of autism classes. Some work, some don't. I would take a peek into those classes and see how they work.
    I am so sorry. I hope your weekend is calm.
     
  12. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I can relate. My autistic son used to scream at the top of his lungs in grocery stores, Church, school...ugh. I would be so embarrassed. However, I realized that my son is different and I cannot put the same behavior expectations on him as I do my easy child. It sounds like you need an IEP meeting to go over this stuff and come up with a better plan than him arriving late or leaving early.

    Like JJJ said, it does get better as they get older.
     
  13. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I do understand, ready. It's pretty normal to feel embarrassed, I think. Sorry you have to go through this... and sorry for your children too.
     
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I completely understand. My difficult child is always yelling out in public, saying something inappropriate, or doing something else that should be embarrassing to him but isn't. Sending gentle hugs your way.
     
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Ready, if the conduct class is an EBD class, in my humble opinion from both professional experience and my difficult child's experience, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and EBD do not mix well. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids are very imitative, they do not read situations (facial expression, tone of voice, irony, have trouble with back and forth of conversations etc...) and they end up either ticking off ebd kids or copying the intense behaviors EBD kids have. I know one teacher who could do a good job for both...but her "go to" methods are Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) methods not the EBD. The Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) methods work well for the EBD kids she has, but vice versa...not true. She lectures all around MN and she said in workshop, I will never forget her...That using visual methods works for different reasons for the populations but they usually work(of course individuals vary) and she uses a gentle very loving system of discipline. She has them all take regularly scheduled sensory breaks. She said to do the other, have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) have point sheets and learn from consequences means they miss out on learning the skill deficits they have. If this is not the kind of class it is, just ignore this. But my son got put into a mixed class and we are still paying for some of the behaviors he picked up there. You say he picked up on the idiot thing... that is a sign that it is a good thing he can't get in the conduct class...and maybe why they dont let kids with autism there. just mho
    Sorry
     
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