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environment can affect children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 119198" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Jen - </p><p></p><p>YOU said <quote> he's not abusive or anything,<quote> but then said just before that - HE yells a lot at me. </p><p></p><p>Honey - VERBAL ABUSE IS STILL ABUSE. Simply put - you ARE being abused, and your children are seeing HOW the man talks to the woman - and in years to come whether you want to accept it or not, whether you think you can beat the system or not - your girls will SEEK OUT men just like him ..BBBBBBBBBBBECAUSE - they saw you do it and it will be thought of as NORMAL behavior from a man. Thus perpetuation of the generational abuse cycle continues. </p><p></p><p>The cycle of abuse CAN CAN CAN STOP with you - but you can't remain there. Sorry to say that - wanted to tell you earlier, but I know you are dealing with so much already. </p><p></p><p>I would like to suggest to you, since you seem open to answers about environment affecting your girls - that you find a local domestic violence shelter and seek counseling through them in group or individual. They will be able to share with you through experiences WHAT abuse is = and this goes back to me telling you to figure out WHAT YOU WILL AND WILL NOT tolerate. </p><p></p><p>If you weigh the situation </p><p>- yes he provides a roof</p><p>-but she' providing a poor example of how a man should behave in a relationship</p><p></p><p>-yes you watch his kids and yours</p><p>-but you're being upset by his "extra cirricular" affairs is painted on your face and the children see it daily. </p><p></p><p>-yes you have credit card bills and payment </p><p>-so you think there is NO WHERE else to go but there - </p><p></p><p>and I gotta ask you - is it worth is? For you, for the example and turmoil it causes your girls? </p><p></p><p>My vote is no hon - plain and simple. </p><p></p><p>Is any house perfect? </p><p>Nope - but is the one your in a temporary situation? </p><p>If it is - then what are you doing to remedy that? Plans to move on your own? YOU CAN do it. </p><p></p><p>If you think that you can CHANGE HIM - you are very wrong. His house, his rules, he pays the bills and HE is going to and has a right to behave HOW EVER he wants in his own home. </p><p></p><p>Is it right? Not when little kids are involved - and now you know the difference, and KNOW that environment and stress CAN make your daughter react. So what can you do? When people say kids need stability - THEY MEAN IN A HOME, IN A PARENTS MENTAL HEALTH, IN A THERAPIST - IN A SCHOOL....everyone thinks kids are just SO resilient - and they aren't. They are kids - they have limited coping skills and when they feel cornered, trapped, anxiety, anxious, nervous, scared, traumatized - they ONLY HAVE how many ever years on this earth that they are (age 5,6,7) to draw on what they have seen adults react to in similar situations AND their own limited coping abilities. Thus when the overflow of stress attacks them - they withdraw and tend to teach themselves self-taught coping skills. </p><p></p><p>These are awful, habit forming behaviors that take years to correct if left unchecked. And a lot of times - the Mom or Dad are trying to recover from their OWN disasterous life - and aren't ABLE to see that their kids are struggling - because lets face it - when it's YOUR broken finger - it hurts worse than your friend calling and telling you about her broken hand! </p><p></p><p>Kids aren't mini-adults - they will mimic what they see, and they HEAR more than you will EVER give them credit for. They can look like they are engrossed in TV while you are arguing with this man - and they DO hear it - they're just trying to block it out. So - REGARDLESS of you saying "Don't behave like that!" because they see MOM and DAD accept those behaviors - and parrot them, sometimes to a t. And with your kiddo - she's already been through a divorce, a move - and these alone are stressful - so when people are saying these kids need stability and consistency - they are talking about what YOU are going to provide them for life. </p><p></p><p>I hope there is something in this post that makes what I'm trying to say logical - If I were your friend face to face - I would tell you to start finding ways DESPITE your credit card bills - to get a house/apartment/government subsidized home - and GET OUT. </p><p></p><p>I'm not living your life - true. But you aren't living it either. You are existing - and that is just not any fun. You HAVE to have fun in your life. Your KIDS have to have fun. They deserve to have the best Mom you can be!!!!! YOU deserve to BE the best person you can be, and know what you will and won't tolerate!!!! in the long run you'll be happier, have healthier respect for good solid relationships, and SOOOO will your girls. There are places out there that will help you get out of the abusive situation you are in - and on your way to a life where YOU are in charge and YOU aren't yelled at for no reason and YOU don't have to live in a home with a man like your S/O. You just have to be willing to take a breath, maybe lower your dreams to realities, and jump. - It's always easier to stay in the situation you're in knowing what to expect each day: arguing, upset, infidelity, lies then it is to strike out on your own and vow to have a life where you and your kiddos are living - it's easier to say only because it's predictable - </p><p></p><p>It's not easy - And sure - sometimes the road is so hard you'll wonder why in the world you ever left to begin with - but it IS worth it. Ask any NUMBER of women here who used to be in a similar situation - and you're going to get quite an earful. </p><p></p><p>An earful with the best of intentions - never demeaning or judgmental. I don't judge because I was judged - and I don't judge because I don't want to be judged either. </p><p></p><p>So take what you can from this reply - and do what is best for you. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 119198, member: 4964"] Jen - YOU said <quote> he's not abusive or anything,<quote> but then said just before that - HE yells a lot at me. Honey - VERBAL ABUSE IS STILL ABUSE. Simply put - you ARE being abused, and your children are seeing HOW the man talks to the woman - and in years to come whether you want to accept it or not, whether you think you can beat the system or not - your girls will SEEK OUT men just like him ..BBBBBBBBBBBECAUSE - they saw you do it and it will be thought of as NORMAL behavior from a man. Thus perpetuation of the generational abuse cycle continues. The cycle of abuse CAN CAN CAN STOP with you - but you can't remain there. Sorry to say that - wanted to tell you earlier, but I know you are dealing with so much already. I would like to suggest to you, since you seem open to answers about environment affecting your girls - that you find a local domestic violence shelter and seek counseling through them in group or individual. They will be able to share with you through experiences WHAT abuse is = and this goes back to me telling you to figure out WHAT YOU WILL AND WILL NOT tolerate. If you weigh the situation - yes he provides a roof -but she' providing a poor example of how a man should behave in a relationship -yes you watch his kids and yours -but you're being upset by his "extra cirricular" affairs is painted on your face and the children see it daily. -yes you have credit card bills and payment -so you think there is NO WHERE else to go but there - and I gotta ask you - is it worth is? For you, for the example and turmoil it causes your girls? My vote is no hon - plain and simple. Is any house perfect? Nope - but is the one your in a temporary situation? If it is - then what are you doing to remedy that? Plans to move on your own? YOU CAN do it. If you think that you can CHANGE HIM - you are very wrong. His house, his rules, he pays the bills and HE is going to and has a right to behave HOW EVER he wants in his own home. Is it right? Not when little kids are involved - and now you know the difference, and KNOW that environment and stress CAN make your daughter react. So what can you do? When people say kids need stability - THEY MEAN IN A HOME, IN A PARENTS MENTAL HEALTH, IN A THERAPIST - IN A SCHOOL....everyone thinks kids are just SO resilient - and they aren't. They are kids - they have limited coping skills and when they feel cornered, trapped, anxiety, anxious, nervous, scared, traumatized - they ONLY HAVE how many ever years on this earth that they are (age 5,6,7) to draw on what they have seen adults react to in similar situations AND their own limited coping abilities. Thus when the overflow of stress attacks them - they withdraw and tend to teach themselves self-taught coping skills. These are awful, habit forming behaviors that take years to correct if left unchecked. And a lot of times - the Mom or Dad are trying to recover from their OWN disasterous life - and aren't ABLE to see that their kids are struggling - because lets face it - when it's YOUR broken finger - it hurts worse than your friend calling and telling you about her broken hand! Kids aren't mini-adults - they will mimic what they see, and they HEAR more than you will EVER give them credit for. They can look like they are engrossed in TV while you are arguing with this man - and they DO hear it - they're just trying to block it out. So - REGARDLESS of you saying "Don't behave like that!" because they see MOM and DAD accept those behaviors - and parrot them, sometimes to a t. And with your kiddo - she's already been through a divorce, a move - and these alone are stressful - so when people are saying these kids need stability and consistency - they are talking about what YOU are going to provide them for life. I hope there is something in this post that makes what I'm trying to say logical - If I were your friend face to face - I would tell you to start finding ways DESPITE your credit card bills - to get a house/apartment/government subsidized home - and GET OUT. I'm not living your life - true. But you aren't living it either. You are existing - and that is just not any fun. You HAVE to have fun in your life. Your KIDS have to have fun. They deserve to have the best Mom you can be!!!!! YOU deserve to BE the best person you can be, and know what you will and won't tolerate!!!! in the long run you'll be happier, have healthier respect for good solid relationships, and SOOOO will your girls. There are places out there that will help you get out of the abusive situation you are in - and on your way to a life where YOU are in charge and YOU aren't yelled at for no reason and YOU don't have to live in a home with a man like your S/O. You just have to be willing to take a breath, maybe lower your dreams to realities, and jump. - It's always easier to stay in the situation you're in knowing what to expect each day: arguing, upset, infidelity, lies then it is to strike out on your own and vow to have a life where you and your kiddos are living - it's easier to say only because it's predictable - It's not easy - And sure - sometimes the road is so hard you'll wonder why in the world you ever left to begin with - but it IS worth it. Ask any NUMBER of women here who used to be in a similar situation - and you're going to get quite an earful. An earful with the best of intentions - never demeaning or judgmental. I don't judge because I was judged - and I don't judge because I don't want to be judged either. So take what you can from this reply - and do what is best for you. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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